Have turned into miserable cow: what can I do?

[GrotPot]

I don't know what's happened to me. I can't find joy in anything, I just feel pissed off and enraged and exhausted. I ruin things that should be nice for myself because I feel like this even as good things are happening. It's like I look for reasons to be angry and upset instead of emphasising what's good. This will sound crazy but I went through a phase where I coped pretty well with the stress of life (work full time, small kids, no help). But then I started to worry about the future and I feel everything is tainted by that. Like there are only bad things to come. I'm middle aged so at that stage in life where parents are getting older, the world is a mess etc. But the rage and tears and frustration feel overwhelming and take over everything. All the time! I feel a bit better when I get time to myself but it doesn't take long for me to reset into a snappy old cow again. I feel so cold. I am being a rubbish mum, a rubbish wife. I just feel like all the joy and niceness has poured out of me. I feel like I'm too young for meno (42?) Can everyday stress do this to you?

Little bump, meant to put this in chat

Yup. Sounds like perimeno to me.

Took me until I was 46 to realise that's what it was, but it started much earlier. I started patches "to save my marriage " as I stated to the doctor.

I'm still not perfect but I feel like I have room to breathe now. The other thing that helped was recognising that ;

1. I do need time to myself sometimes
2. talking calmly to DH about it so he now understands I'm not bonkers
3. understanding that booze and a crap diet makes me much worse, so remembering what I consumed when I'm feeling particularly rubbish.
4. running and swimming makes me feel better (see point 1).

This is still very much a work in progress, but my marriage and parenting is much much calmer now!!

Good luck 😉

I feel like I'm too young for HRT, but maybe I'm not. Tbh it would be a relief if it was. Im worried I'm just an old selfish bitch

Oh, I've been relying on booze to get me through the evenings! Something to change straight away

Yup I'm peri and go through phases feeling exactly like this - but it isn't all the time. If it's permanent I'd say it sounds more like depression.

Agree with the above list and would add sleep to the important things. I also take supplements which I think help: vitamin D, magnesium, starflower oil, glucosamine

Thank you, I have also wondered about depression. But it does sometimes life. In the last few weeks though it hasnt lifted much and that makes me nervous!

No booze, no sugar. I am not one of those people who thinks diet magics away all symptoms but drinking and toast with chocolate spread for example make me feel bloated and sluggish, and make periods worse. I'm 53 now and on hrt so I've had time to see what makes me feel good/bad. I only went on hrt at 52.

My capacity for food that isn't real (nutritious) food has plummeted. I know its a bore, I love cake and wine, but I feel younger now at 53 than I did at 49 when I was just trying to ignore the hormonal changes.

Honestly hadn't thought about my diet

Yes to HRT if an option, magnesium and Vit D for sure, and I know people find evening primrose or starflower oil helpful. Couldn't hurt to try!

Also try taking some probiotics, your gut really does influence your well-being.

Not going to lecture but if you can cut down on booze, caffeine and sugar, it will help a lot.

A walk outside everyday if you can.

Oh also try a meditation app like Balance or Headspace. Those few minutes a day can really help.

Why wouldn’t you be fed up if you have no help, feel unsupported and exhausted? Isn’t this a natural reaction to neglect? Start actually putting your needs first, what do you need to feel better?

Yes, the worst is I'm not enjoying my children because I feel like I'm on my last nerve. I do wonder if the gp will say "well your life sounds exhausting so that's why". But other people seem to manage, I think I'm just not very good at it all. My husband takes a good share of the load to try to keep me sane, and yet I spend so much time resenting him - completely unfairly! I just feel a mess

Can I also recommend 'hack your hormones' book by Davinia Taylor. She explains how they can affect everything that's going on with you. And how your diet can have a huge influence. I have cut down a lot on drinking and sugar consumption, reduced UPF and eat mostly low carb now (I do eat lots of veg, some fruit though ) and it's made a big difference to bloating, mood and general health.

I also had crippling anxiety (amongst other things) that I didn't even know I had until I started HRT and it massively reduced. I thought my levels of worry were normal and proportionate. Doctors are (ime) inclined to think about depression first but I would now always want to try HRT first - if you are the right age with no history of mental health issues then I think it's more likely to be perimenopause related than depression.
Have a look through the massive list of symptoms and you might see that you have had some already that you didn't know were symptoms. I never had a hot flush for example but did have bladder issues and vertigo and palpitations.

I just bought that book, how weird! Glad to have you recommend it thank you. Do you mind me asking how old you were when you started HRT. Do they start you low?

I always have good intentions with diet but when I feel like shit I hit the screw it button and go the other way, especially with booze

I felt like you at 42 but it took until 44 before the penny dropped about me being in peri meno.

Honestly I don't feel much better on HRT, but I can't deal very well with progesterone. GP has offered me anti depressants to help with the progesterone side effects but that doesn't seem to make any sense to me!

I would say however that when I was just in the oestrogen phase of HRT I felt amazing and so much more tolerant and less snappy.

I'm the same as you with booze and diet, but I least I know that it's causing me a problem and I'm not just a horrible person that can't cope with life!!

I started HRT when I was 46. I'm sure it's possible/normal to be peri from late 30s onwards though.

I had PMT at 38/9. We lost our second daughter when I was 42 so I was grieving. Then I started a really busy job which keeps me away a lot at 43. I thought it was 'just me'. It wasn't.

You can feel better 😊

So sorry to hear about your daughter @mellongoose 💐

I'm learning from this that I need to zoom out and see how the bigger picture is factoring in here instead of thinking it's just me. Thank you.

Perimeno. I’m your age and have given up sugar (sweets, choc, cake, ice cream, all gone) and do 16/8 most days. I actually feel okay and have dropped a stone (slowly).

I also think it sounds like perimeno.

I think I might have been 47 when I started HRT (49 now). Have terrible memory for dates tbh. I do know I had symptoms for a couple of years before that, things like heart palpitations and vertigo and low mood that my doctor investigated and treated as separate symptoms without putting them together.

I got HRT almost by accident - the doctor did a full blood test and saw my oestrogen levels were low so I think this may have been when the penny dropped.

@Moredarkchocolateplease are you on progesterone pills? These have me awful headaches for 11 days every month. I swapped to patches and no more problems. Maybe you could try a different form if you haven't already

@LadyBird1973 ive gone for a mirena. Not loving it but it isn't as bad as the utrogestan which made me drepressed and felt drugged I was so tired.

The mirena just makes me feel exhausted which means I still feel irritable. I sleep at least 8hrs a night and I'm napping twice a day!

I also thought it would override my periods but last week I had a full week of horrible PMT, crying, breasts throbbing, and then I started bleeding which was a relief, except as its not a proper bleed and very light it feels like I'm not empty of it all yet.

@Moredarkchocolateplease I hope things settle down for you. I think the mirena can take a while. If it doesn't work out then I would try the patches - progesterone was really awful for me in pill form but the patches I've had no issues at all.

I've felt like this as my 40s have progressed and definitely see it as perimenopause.
I feel quite flat and tired. I do have worries like aging parents, DD becoming a teenager and my own health hasn't been great in the past but generally life is good. However, I see life as a relentless series of chores and seem to have lost the excitement and joy I used to feel.
It's not all bad though because there are still moments of real happiness, contentment and excitement. I just take the rough with the smooth. Haven't yet started HRT. Am waiting to see if I need it.

Head to the Gp.

Ask them to give you a full once over.

I thought I was menopausal and went in for HRT, turns out my thyroid was under active leading to brain fog, weight gain blood pressure issues. Have been put on medication and feeling a lot better.

Another friend of a similar age thought her symptoms were the menopause and turned out she had become diabetic.

It absolutely could be the menopause but ask for a full blood work up and explain all your symptoms and see what comes back.

Good luck get your resolved.