Emotional Incest?

[Itsthelittlethingz]

I have been dating a guy for a little while, I can't help but feel he has what seems such a bizarre relationship with his mum.
I almost feel as though I am stealing her guy.

I am going to list some red flags let me know what you think?

He is 28, some of the below is fine on its own, but when I think - he lives with his mum and sees her everyday I find it a little weird.

We were texting about 11pm,
he took a long time to reply he eventually replied - he said he's been watching a film with his mum.

He goes to the pictures with his mum

He went for a meal last Valentine's Day with his mum.

He was supposed to come and meet me this Wednesday he has now said he can't now as he is now driving to wales with his mum and will be back on Friday

Him an his mum go on holiday just the two of them together.

In conversation he once said 'me and my mum have quite an intimate relationship'
(I understand this could have an emotional meaning but it really made me cringe taking in consideration all of the above)

He once said his mum jokingly asked him if he's gay and it 'hurt him' (he'd been single a while)

Be honest if you were dating someone 28 years who lived with their mum and did all of the above would you find it bizarre.

P.s I am quite an independent self sufficient girl

If you don’t want to be with a guy that lives with his mum then break up and move on. No need for the weird label though.

Tbh I'd be more concerned if I was him that your reaction to someone being close to their parent is that it's incestuous and it's like they're dating. By all means end the relationship but I'd seriously take a hard look at why this is your reaction.
All of the things you described, watching a film together, going away for a few days, going to the cinema, all things I did with my mum because she was my mum.

He once said his mum jokingly asked him if he's gay and it 'hurt him' (he'd been single a while)

It hurt him?

This would be a red flag to me, but I guess it depends upon your values.

I used to date a guy that was like this (we split up partly because of her)

It wasn’t so much emotional intimacy, it was emotional blackmail on her part. She was bored and didn’t want to lose her companion.

She would make it impossible for him not to spend time alone with her. She was a pain in the area but of course, she was his mum so he felt he had to.

She was a pain in the area.... and the arse!!

Seems ok to me. However, if it feels off to you, then you and him are probably poles apart in expectations of his relationship with his mum - too far apart for a comfortable compromise, which will lead to issues.

It is odd.
I moved out when I was 16 and visit my parents about once a month pre covid.
DP travelled the world and moved out when he was around 19, visits parents bdays, Christmas and Easter.
Both sets of parents have their own lives; holidays, friends, hobbies etc and we would be in the way if we visited more often.
Alternative sounds alien to me.

OP I have 2 adult sons living at home. We built loft conversion to give them large space. I often go out for meal with one or the other or both. We all have a takeaway might on Fridays. Sometimes one or the other will miss to go out with friends. I occasionally go to cinema with one or other of them. We have a holiday home and sometimes all go together. Sometimes one or other son go with friends/girlfriend. One son likes cooking and cooks family meal one evening a week. I don't see this as abnormal. I am happy my family likes each other enough to choose to spend time together. I will cocede they are probably Mummy's boys. They are both saving for deposit on houses and one son had already asked me to help him search only now with Covid it looks like 5-10 percent deposit won't be enough.

She does his laundry?! Regardless of his relationship with her in would not date a 28 year old man who didn't wash his own clothes. Run!

I don’t really get the incest link but yeah I wouldn’t really go for a mummy’s boy like this if he doesn’t even do his own washing! Fuming that you cooked him a meal is odd / what was the context.
But yeah all of that together I’d wonder if he had any friends and life outside of home with his mum.

Your thread title is dramatic at best.

Virtually date each other?? He sounds like a wonderful son who cares deeply for his mum; who by the sounds of it doesn't have her husband around anymore. Whereas you on the other hand likely have a more distant relationship with parents. Absolutely nothing wrong with him, but you're totally not suited; find someone who has time to devote to just you.

I think if I had a son and people were pointing at emotional incest because we had dinner and went on holiday then I'd be gutted. I hope my girls want to go on holiday and out with me. I don't see how this is different tbh.

I would find it weird and creepy yes.
I don't know why someone would choose the word "intimate" to describe a relationship with a parent. A better option is "close" maybe.

What's the deal with his dad?

Leave him. I once dated a guy exactly like this. He even took a phone call from his mum while we were being intimate with each other.

Everything either of them did was carefully manipulated into some strange game where one of them could feel upset and the other one was there to comfort the other one. He even called in sick to work once when his mum had to go to the doctors. He was sobbing down the phone so much that his boss called him back, thought she must be dying, and told him to take the rest of the week off! She had a routine appointment.

I can't let another woman go through something similar!

@frog22

Correct

He just sounds like he has a very close relationship with his mum. I think using the words emotional incest is OTT and a bit offensive tbh. If he still lives at home, he's probably a bit of a mummy's boy (lots of men are whether they live at home or not). If it's a sticking point for you, it's probably best to move on otherwise it will continue to irritate you.

Emotional incestt, also known as covert incest, is a dynamic that occurs in parentingg where the parent seeks emotional support through their child that should be sought through an adult relationship

Sorry if I offended anyone who is close to their children here, my brother is close with my mum they have a different bond than me and my sisters do with our mum. I totally get it. But I just get a weird vibe off these two maybe I have put it across the wrong way. When I say emotional incest I mean he plays the emotional role of her husband.

His mum bought a car, she let him choose it the make/model/colour and lets him drive it most of the time.

Clearly this relationship isn't for me.

Thanks for those who understand

@Itsthelittlethingz

I think you have hit the nail on the head.

Whether we think the dynamics are absolutely fine or not, you don't, and therefore it isn't for you.

I think you know that this relationship is not for you and are looking for confirmation here that you are right. None of those things would bother me but we all have different opinions about what we want from a relationship.

Would you feel the same way about a woman who lived with her mum still and did those activities together?

Watching a film
Going on a shirt break together
Driving her mum's car
Etc.

It isn't uncommon these days for adult children to live at home in their twenties. House prices, etc make moving out trickier.

This sounds a lot like my brother, except he is 48!

It is all kinds of fucked up. He’s like a replacement husband for my mum, since Dad died. He has a girlfriend whom he treats with disdain, and constantly moans about. He constantly moans about Mum too, and treats her house like it’s his own property. They are very enmeshed. I refuse to go there.

Trust your instincts here. Run the fuck far awaaay!

Oh and my mum thinks of his girlfriend as a nuisance/irrelevant.

Would you feel the same way about a woman who lived with her mum still and did those activities together?

Yes.

I have a close relationship with DS and we do some of the things you list - go to the cinema, go on road trips, go on holiday together, even go shopping together. He is 20 and lives at home. If he goes out on his own he always asks if there's anything I need while he's out, or will bring me little 'treats' like a Mcdonalds milkshake, magazine, pack of biscuits etc, just like his dad used to do. But we are close because his dad died last year and we are both still grieving, he is very protective of me and I suspect that when he has a partner he will transfer most of this attention and kindness to them. I like having him to go on holiday with but I encourage him to do stuff with his friends - I would rather he go to Magaluf with his mates than go away with me, if that is what he wants, but I suspect the attraction of holidaying with me is knowing he won't have to pay very much for it other than spending money. I suggested I might go away solo and he reacted like I had kicked a puppy

I don't want him living at home forever. He seems to think I do, but I moved out of home at 18 and I would hope he is similarly independent. I am keen for him to get a girlfriend too!