How do you get past not feeling good enough?

[twinky06]

My husband cheated on me in the emotional sense. They didn't have sex but spent time together with the intention of a relationship, kissed etc.

He wants to give it another go but I'm just not sure I'll ever get past it.

I find myself looking her up, wondering why she was so special that he was willing to give up our marriage and very long term relationship.

He also did things for her, that he would moan at me about or refuse to do for me.

She's very cocky and full of herself - has shown to remorse what so ever. She did know I existent and seemly didn't care and use my husbands vulnerability to her advantage!

It's both parties fault I know, I'm not naive.

It's just left me feeling completely not good enough. Almost like the safe option you know you can go back to.

Has anyone else been through this, does it get better or will this always stick with me?

Sorry I posted in wrong category - was supposed to be relationships! Not sure how to move

I know how you feel I am very much the same after mental abuse from my parents, ex husband physical and mental and past relationships where men cheated on me.

I do not know they say we need therapy but I have had therapy and I can not shake that little voice in my head. It causes problems in my perfect relationship with a man who adores me and i am always worried i am not good enough for him or he is going to go and look somewhere else. And i also question whether I am a good mother.

I do not trust people, I question everything. i do not know if someone has a solution I would be very interested.

Hiya twinky06,
We've moved this thread across to relationships for you.

Kim
Mumsnet HQ

It's not you who should be feeling not good enough - it's both of them. Try and shift your mindset, do you think he's good enough to want to take him back? You aren't obligated to. Do what makes you happy!

I am not sure in all honesty, I have very mixed feelings.

Part of me loves him and the thought of not having him in my life anymore just seems unbearable after being together for so long.

At the same time I feel like I just want to be free of all the hurt and the horrible thoughts that keep popping up. I feel like I should just be living life and being happy in myself instead of questioning everything about myself and worrying all the time.

I have to make a decision soon but I'm scared of making the wrong one. I don't want to be locked down into trying again and feeling this way for years to come. But I also don't want these raw feelings to cloud my judgement... I haven't had that much time to get past everything.

Why do you not have much time? Who is rushing you? You need to take as much time as you need and fitting into other peoples agendas won't help you.

After an abusive relationship from my mother and sisters leading to a very abusive marriage I received two years of counselling and I am a fundamentally changed person and the way I think now has changed out of all recognition. I would never go back.

I can't go into specifics but we've basically come to a crossing and need to decide which way to go, alone or together.

I think the thing that's sticking in my mind is that for many years, he didn't bother or really make an effort with me. I told him how I felt and that I wanted to spend time with him etc but it fell on deaf ears.

Then when things started with the OW, he was spending loads of time with her, being really nice and taking her places... basically giving her what I wanted from him for years. It was such a kick in the teeth and a huge part of why I feel this way.

Well you won't get over feeling completely not good enough. Almost like the safe option you know you can go back to. if you go back to him now.

Going back to him means you are OK with being second best, OK with him being a shit to you, totally accepting that he's the best you can do because you are a bit shit.

I don't think you are shit. I think he is shit. I think when you tell him properly to fuck off then you will be able to start rebuilding your self confidence.

He does not deserve you. You can do so much better. You deserve someone who will cherish you, not treat you badly. He has done things for OW that he didn't do for you, that tells you all you need to know.
You will get over this, there is someone better out there who is worthy of you. Ditch him, and rebuild your life. Good luck

I hear you all and I know you're right. So bloody hard having to give up on someone you genuinely love... even if they forced your hand. Feelings don't just switch off

I say fuck him. If he's made you feel this way just the once then he is not worth your time and energy. You however are the only one who should be making the decision and it must be in your terms not his or anyone else's. If you decide to work on it, he is one very lucky man and his behaviour toward you should reflect that. There are men out there who would do anything for a woman like you. You don't have to settle.

Thanks for all the nice comments towards me ladies, I really appreciate it. Hopefully one day I'll find someone who has the same views on respect and loyalty in a relationship. In the meantime I'll just have to find a way to get over the loss of 12 years together.

Its going to be hard @twinky06 but you will get there. You shouldn't ever have to feel not good enough, that's bonkers. I hope that when you are ready, you find someone who appreciates you and treats you well as you deserve. PM me if you need a handhold or someone to rant at. X