Would you do anything to intervene with an adult DD who is overweight?

[Ddddddora]

I’ve never mentioned weight to her before, why would I as it’s her life etc.
however, and I’m being honest here, her weight is increasing, I would say a size 18 and it feels like a tipping point.
do I say nothing and watch the struggle get harder to reverse? Do I gently explore it with her?
She has her own life away from me.

Again, being honest, I am truly uncomfortable that it bothers me. I genuinely don’t know what to do.

I haven’t posted before on this because I am fearful of getting roasted. This comes from a place of care, and interest to see if anyone can empathise and guide.

I don’t question your motives, you’re her mum and you want what is best for her. I don’t think you should intervene, though. I disagree with other posters that there are tactful ways to raise this. Weight and body image are just so emotionally loaded in our society, especially for women, that I don’t think there is a way for you to bring this up that won’t hurt her, put distance between you and ultimately achieve nothing. She is probably very aware of her own body and she will either do something about it or she won’t.

A strong, loving and trusting relationship with you is a FAR more important protective factor in her future health and happiness than a couple of dress sizes. Focus on that - and if she brings up her weight and wants to change it, you will be in pole position to support her, because she won’t be wary of you as someone who has made value judgements about her body already.

I don’t think you should say anything. No one who is overweight doesn’t realise that they’re overweight. If you lived closer I’d suggest you maybe try and encourage her to join you in an exercise class or new fitness regime but as that’s not possible other your concern is unlikely to change anything other than make her feel worse

You can't intervene. She's perfectly aware of how much she weighs. You'd damage your relationship.

@FloppyearedlabYes, there is it. Concern trolling. You go straight in with "You're fat, you might DIE!". People don't die from being fat. People have health problems that causes them to get fatter. People have health problems that are exacerbated by being fat. Being fat itself is not a hug problem until you are so fat you can't walk. What IS a huge problem is how people who aren't fat go on and on making you feel that your body is wrong.
You've been told now. Your concern for "health" will not help a fat person be less fat, it will only cause damage.

So the same applies if her daughter looks emaciated?

I think her age is significant here. If she’s a young adult who has left home relatively recently, letting her know you’re concerned is one thing. If she’s middle aged and used to living totally independently, that’s quite another. (My mother is in her 80s, my sister and I are in our 60s and she is on our case incessantly about our weight!)

Please don't say anything. I'm a size 18 woman and I'm sure my mum has had the same thoughts about me. I know I'm overweight and I would just get upset and defensive if someone mentioned it. Your DD will either a) not be in the headspace to lose the weight or b) not want to lose the weight because she's happy with her health/how she looks. There's so much information out there now on health and weight, that I'm sure she has the awareness to make a decision for herself. If she mentions wanting to lose weight then definitely be there to support her, but you have to assume that as an adult she can make her own decisions as long as she has the tools to do that. Hope that makes sense?

Please don’t say anything. She knows she’s overweight. Every single fat person is aware of their size.

Well I mentioned my partner’s weight to him an hour ago and got my head bitten off so I’d advise you to keep quiet.

Enjoy your lovely and loving relationship OP and I beg you, don’t go here.

Have you got any other children OP I find siblings are better at these things, as they have a different relationship. But your daughter will know her size

Yeah, please don't. She knows and will do it on her own terms. I've had a weight problem my whole life. Was pudgy from about age 7 and it spiraled from there. I knew it and everyone (especially my mother) knew it. If my weight was ever mentioned, I became even more destabilised and alone, and turned to food to comfort.

It took me until my 40s to really start to take control and address the issues around my eating habits. I'm still not thin, but I'm out of the obese category for the first time in 30 years and more comfortable in my own skin.

I’ve been overweight and obese, morbidly obese for the recent few years and nothing my parents would have said or done to “intervene” in my life would have helped. It would have made it worse. I was well aware that they worried about my weight, I already felt the weight of that concern but it didn’t help and just made me feel more pressured and stressed about my weight.

You mention that she’s struggling, do you mean just with her weight or are there challenges in her life at the moment? Probably the best thing you can do is listen to her, and offer any support with the issues that she herself raises as things she’d like support with.

I'm obese, I know it, I hate it, I've tried everything except WLI. Mine is hormone related but I'm not eligible for the medications to rectify the imbalance because it's only a very small imbalance. It just means my weight creeps up all the time.
I resent it sometimes when people comment, when it's clear they are judging or maybe they think I haven't realised and they offer the same old advice about eating less and moving more. Like I've not tried that already.
But it is an open topic of conversation between me and my family, and I don't resent talking about it with them as they know what the issue is and it's really just normal chit chat about what new thing I'm trying or when I want a quick whinge about how rubbish it is.
I think it's fine to ask if she's ok, if there's something going on with her health-wise. But I would not come at it from the weight gain angle.
There simply isn't anything you can actually do to help except to listen if she needs that.

Thats not true though is it? Being overweight significantly increases your risk of loads of cancers and of having a stroke. I say this as a fat person with breast cancer in the family. I am currently working very hard to bring my weight down because of exactly this reason. I also have had quite extreme hip pain which is miraculously lifting the more weight I lose (I was never so fat I couldn’t walk 🙄 fwiw).

I think it’s possible and reasonable to acknowledge the risks being fat pose to us without minimising how much harder it is for some people to lose weight than others.

OP I would absolutely not say anything because she will know herself she’s bigger than she used to be and she has all the same heath information that you have. I’d just remind her of how terrific she is at every opportunity and maybe her confidence will get to a point where she realises she can lose weight if she wants to.

No. She’s an adult who knows perfectly well what size she is. If she wants to do something about it she can, and maybe is already.

You say that like it is a gotcha. It just shows up your thinking.

Do you think there is any possibility that she has not noticed her own weight, OP?

Or does she have learning difficulties which would make her unaware of the risks of being overweight?

If the answer to those questions is "no", then I cannot see what benefit an "intervention" is likely to have. You will simply be telling her what she already knows and likely making her feel worse about it than she probably already does.

The only caveat to that is if the "intervention" involves funding weight loss injections or paying for gym memberships etc. But if it's just advice that you think she needs to lose weight, then I really can't imagine that your input will be welcomed.

A hard No. She will be well aware of her weight, society in general, will let her know. You can be the one place she feels like she’s loved despite it. If you bring it up now she’ll just sigh and think, FFS, not here too!.

I think it's fair to worry but do agree with other posters that it's a very difficult conversation to initiate. It's highly unlikely she hasn't noticed and the fact she hasn't mentioned it is either that she really isn't bothered and doesn't want any advice or help, or she is and is really upset and sensitive about it in which case although support and advice from a loving family member might be helpful it's very difficult to have a way in to that conversation that doesn't start negatively. I guess you could just put out a tiny bit of conversational bait, mention very casually a news item about weight loss drugs or nutrition or something and see if she seems to want to talk about it but absolutely don't push anything.

It is a little bit different if someone has fairly suddenly started gaining a lot of weight compared to if they've always been overweight but are relatively stable with it - I still don't think you should say anything about the weight gain per se but is there something else going on in her life that has changed to cause this - often weight gain does have some kind of lifestyle trigger or factor affecting it, things like mental health struggles, relationship difficulties, work stress, physical health problems, financial worries - I'm assuming if you're close to your DD you know what's going on for her (or if not can you very gently and gradually try and find out simply by being interested in her life, in a not prying way) and I wonder if the best thing you can do is try and ease any of the negatives for her, e.g. if she's struggling with depression/anxiety try and encourage her to seek help with that, a side effect of feeling better in yourself often is more physical activity, better diet etc. Or a lot of things do come down to money in the end, if you are able to help out that likely will improve things for her?

It’s a very difficult one. My DP commented on my weight increasing last summer, and at the time I was so hurt and angry, but it probably did give me the wake up call I needed. Now I’m back to my usual, healthy weight, and I’m actually glad he spoke up, otherwise I might have just kept creeping in the wrong direction, which would have been harder to turn around later. It’s a very sensitive subject though. What kind of relationship do you have with your DD? Do you have any idea what might be behind her weight gain?

Do you think she’s unaware she’s overweight? Do you think she’s unaware about how you feel about it? My mother was always slim and thought she never mentioned my weight but my god she certainly made her feelings known. And what was the result? I gained more. And started dreading seeing her as I know she’d be thinking it even if not saying it.
You are her mother and you love her UNCONDITIONALLY. Suggesting she join you on a park walk (oh how subtle), discussions about good eating and so and so’s success on XYD diet…. No. Just let her carry on. If she comes to you, that’s a different matter, but otherwise keep your mouth shut.

Thank you. I won’t be raising it. I haven’t to date. She’s late 20’s. Im sure she knows what to do. She goes to the gym and does reformer Pilates so is aware of her body and enhancing its capabilities.
I’ll leave it.

I think if you can find a way of tactfully telling her you’re concerned about her change in size, for health reasons, it shouldn’t ruin your relationship. She might be a bit upset, but as long as knows it’s coming from
a place of care, you’ll be ok