Would you do anything to intervene with an adult DD who is overweight?

[Ddddddora]

I’ve never mentioned weight to her before, why would I as it’s her life etc.
however, and I’m being honest here, her weight is increasing, I would say a size 18 and it feels like a tipping point.
do I say nothing and watch the struggle get harder to reverse? Do I gently explore it with her?
She has her own life away from me.

Again, being honest, I am truly uncomfortable that it bothers me. I genuinely don’t know what to do.

I haven’t posted before on this because I am fearful of getting roasted. This comes from a place of care, and interest to see if anyone can empathise and guide.

She will be very aware. No need to mention it or suggest an intervention

I wouldn't intervene no.

It is very difficult, but I don't believe that just saying nothing is always the best thing to do. Of course she is aware that she is overweight, but may need support in dealing with the issue.

Please don't. My mum (tiny, size 8, never very interested in food) has gone on and on about my weight all my adult life. We are close, but it is the one thing I really dislike. It didn't make me any more likely to lose weight.

I've fluctuated in my size and weight ever since having children. She has never experienced that, or food noise, because her genetics are different. Having someone who has no idea of what it's like to struggle to lose weight telling you what you should do is infuriating.

ETA and of course I'm aware when I'm overweight. I'm not stupid. I also know how it can impact my health.

No you can’t. At most you can have plenty of healthy delicious food available when they visit but never mention it.

Absolutely not. Overweight adults have to make that decision on their own, if she comes to you for help then you can assist but it has to come from her and she has to want it enough.

If I was approached by a wellmeaning friend or relative during the decades of being obese, the guilt and shame would have sent me on a self destruct spiral.

Very difficult to know what to do, Op. What is your relationship with your DD like in general? She will be very aware of her weight gain.

Please please don't say anything you will
only make the relationship worse and I am
sure unless she is well over 6ft tall she will be well aware of this but its up to her to decide whether to do something about this and whether or not she wants to discuss this with anyone.

My dad was always very slim and openly critical of others weight etc. If when I was feeling particularly big or if I knew my skin was bad i avoided visiting him as knew he would make a comment to me or to another family member about me when I had gone. It really wasn’t nice.

I had problems with an under active thyroid and found it really difficult to loose weight.

Does she live close? Ask her to do Parkwalk with you because you feel awkward doing it on your own, Try to get her interested. Or some other sports activity.

Is she unhappy? Comfort eating? Drinking too much? Doesn't know what to buy to eat healthily? Can't cook?

Easier to address if you know what the underlying issue is.

do I say nothing and watch the struggle get harder to reverse

I knows people hate hearing this but by far the most likely outcome of trying to lose weight is to end up heavier. So statistically your (and her) best bet is to hope she can be content with herself and stay the weight she is.

Is it difficult? The best thing to do is to not comment on another person’s physical appearance. Mothers don’t have some God given right to be rude.

If she was looking emaciated you would be concerned and would probably question it
Being fat can also kill her
Her health is more important than body image.

There are tactful ways of doing it.

Fair point, if she was wasting away, from not eating, would it be expected to just say nothing, and watch it happening? I would not think so.

The problem is that, unfortunately, mentioning it is unlikely to make any difference in whether she's able to lose it.

Can you do something a bit more subtle like exercising together (if you live close by).

Approach it gently with her, yes. Obesity / weight is a health issue that people feel extremely reluctant to talk about or address. Which is probably why it's such a problem.

All you'll do is ruin your relationship with her. If she asks for help then give it freely but unasked for help will only ever feel like judgement and won't be received well.

Weight loss is only possible by someone who wants it for themselves and cannot be imposed from the outside. You can't make her want it.

Parents are meant to give you unconditional love. Saying "You need to be smaller, you're a bit fat" is in no way unconditional.

Say nothing. She isn’t choosing to be overweight. She isn’t unaware.

I was a perfect weight until the first baby. I had gestational diabetes. I have yo-yoed ever since. Regaining all the weight each time plus some. This is what the scientific papers say will happen. It’s very difficult to override your body and brain signalling that you are starving and consciously overriding that. With tremendous will you can lose significant weight, but to keep it off and maintain that singular focus for a lifetime is different, there are other things in life to experience other than consciously overriding your appetite hour by hour for a lifetime.

My father who is naturally thin makes the odd comment. I know he loves me and is concerned. I know he is holding himself back from saying more. I love him, but prefer to avoid him when possible. His judgment and opinion is unpleasant.

There can be many reasons for adult weight gain that you might not be aware of.
She could be on some type of medication for example.
In your position, I would try to tactfully open conversations about what is going on with her in general and hopefully she might confide in you.
My parents used to encourage me to lose weight when I was in my twenties. They would praise me a lot when I got smaller.
It (along with other pressures) led me to make the decision to take myself off the medications I’d been prescribed for depression.
The weight gain was a side effect.
I then because extremely unwell. I had a very bad relapse. I went back on the meds. Re-gained the weight. Now they say nothing about my weight or how I look. It’s a relief.

If you are very underweight, the danger is urgent and needs intervention. It’s not comparable to someone being a size eighteen.

To answer your comments:
I’m not some skinny size 8 asking her to be my size
we don’t live near each other
i have never commented on her weight ever.
i worry about her health and the fact it seems to be on the increase atm.
we have a lovely and loving relationship.
I just needed some advice and insight with this new situation

It’s very difficult. Being obese carries a plethora of health problems, which can impact her for years to come.
i think a lot of posters assume people are talking about aesthetics when they discuss weight but imo it would have nothing to do with that but for her health going forward.

Whether you mention it or not will depend on your relationship with your daughter and how you think she might accept such a conversation. Although she obviously knows she is overweight, she may not be aware of all
the different health outcomes being overweight might effect.

She’s an adult. Can you afford to pay for WLI? Would you be willing to offer to pay for that or a private dietitian appt or gym membership? If not, stay out of it. Your concern won’t do anything if it doesn’t come with actual help.

How old is she? What’s her maturity? 20 yr old adult I’d probably explore it with her incase there are medical reasons. 30 yr old adult then no, she is old / mature enough to have access to all the insight she needs to make her own decisions.

Hang on? Loving someone also involves not wanting them to die prematurely of obesity related illnesses?
OP’s love is not diminished by her daughter being fat. Quite the opposite. She loves her and wants her health to improve.