What do I replace food with?

[PatheticDistraction]

I am trying to really dig deep into my psychology when it comes to food - like so many people I really struggle to resist food, it is such an integral part of my life. I need to lose around 3 stone now. I know I'll end up on WLI, but I'm breastfeeding at the moment.

Every element of enjoyment I get, my (limited) social life, everything I look forward to - revolves around food.

For context - I have a profoundly disabled son, and a 3 month old, I moved to a rural location from London for my son's needs 3 years ago - and now I struggle to find anything to look forward to that doesn't involve food/ drink.

Yesterday I took my baby out, I drove 40 mins to somewhere I can walk him in the pram - the walk was fine, but what I really wanted was to stop for a hot chocolate & cake. I did eventually dive into a cafe and had a diet coke - but it didn't really satisfy that need for a treat in me. The rest of the morning I wondered aimlessly.

I'm trying really hard to stick to 1200 cals a day, lower carb. But even the management of food is all I can think about. I went to the supermarket yesterday & trawled the aisles - and filled up the trolley with treats for my DH. I can't think about anything else.

We are so limited by our circumstances as to what we can do, we usually just drive and get a takeaway coffee/ takeaway food - it's all I look forward to. I just don't know how to kill this obsession with food, and even if WLI kill the obsession - what do I fill that space with? Do other people struggle with this?

I was quite similar to ypu and had to reframe things like cake to bring 'proper' treats - not something you have daily. A coffee with skimmed milk, I can work into a balanced diet.
Some things I will add to a list on my phone to think about having in the Christmas food shop

I guess firstly you have to stop seeing these ‘treats’ as treats and start seeing them for what they are, and how they are really making you feel long term after the initial dopamine rush. Do you have any time to yourself? To exercise or just exist without the demands of your dc? I don’t think it’s the coffee/cake that you are looking forward to but rather the break from the daily grind of life. It’s so tough when the dc are little especially if they have additional needs. You need to make time for you, and get your ‘fix’ somewhere else.

if you live rurally now, are there walks locally you could look into? My advice would be to seize the autumn sunshine and get out in the fresh air. I also think that 1200 is too low calories and of course you are going to be seeking out sugar because you’re probably exhausted and hungry. Maybe focus on real food, whole foods, cut out the processed stuff and increase your calorie allowance so you can accommodate some good fats, and decent portion sizes and you’ll probably find it easier to resist the ‘treats’.

I can highly recommend a podcast called Jessica Cooke ‘I’m done, now what?’ - she’s very straight talking but she has some good advice about putting yourself first even if it’s just for half an hour a day.

Firstly, be kind to yourself, your currently talking to yourself as if you have already going to fail.

look back at what you’ve just read as if it was your best friend. How would that go?

If I was your friend I’d say ‘OMG you are breastfeeeding, have another high needs child, did a 40 minute drive and a walk? Probably after not great sleep? You did absolutely amazing. You are a dedicated mother.
please please look after yourself. A tea and a small cookie might have been a better alternative, or egg on toast.

It’s going to be really difficult to lose weight, your body will demand calories while breastfeeding, at least until your baby is weaning and demand drops. So try and support your body by building in good habits and choices. You’re more likely to control your food and cravings if you eat high protein and nutritious food, and eat cake every now and then.

But reframe the narrative in your head is soemwhere you can start with the psychological side.

Things sound quite tough for you OP, it's not a failure on your part that you're reaching for treats etc.

I would maybe try a different approach if it suits your mindset - designate two days a week when you can go into town and have a coffee and cake or whatever. Eat to your TDEE on those days, or a few 100 cals over. The rest of the week stick to 1,200. On those days you'll do more local things that keep you out of the way of temptation and have fewer treats. If you want something sweet, warm or snacky you might have some homemade popcorn, or a sweet herbal tea (eg vanilla rooibos, chamomile and manuka honey - just thinking of the ones I get from Sainsbury's). Diet Coke isn't brilliant obviously but one a day while you get your bearings won't cause much harm.

If you're quite structured in your approach it may suit you?

I've lost 2 and a bit stone since Feb. I drink a lot of black coffee, eat apples for something filling, and usually have a broth-based veg soup on the hob so I can always have that if I think I'm genuinely hungry. I still eat out once a week - often something child friendly involving burgers etc. Tracking my weight on HappyScale (free) has made a big difference.

@PatheticDistraction your calorie goal is way too low and this will make you obsess about food more. What’s your tdee, total daily energy expenditure taking account of current weight and activity levels? If you’re 3 stone overweight I think 1200 is a massive deficit and likely unrealistic and unsustainable.

Move to a higher allowance say 1600, eat as much whole foods, veg, pulses, clean protein as you can. Stay away from as much convenience food, processed junk and empty drink calories as you can.
If you can really lean into the high fibre low upf thing your cravings will reduce and treats will become small occasional treats without derailing you

My TDEE is 1603 and my fitness pal calculated 1360 calories as my target to lose weight.

I really struggle to lose weight, I have an underactive thyroid and am probably peri menopausal too.

The problem is - even when I'm eating chocolate, huge portions & not dieting etc - I still think about food all the time, I might not want to constantly eat, but it's still all I think about.

My DH is taking me for lunch on my 40th & I'm already trawling the menu - it's 3 months away!

I just find the substitutes for chocolate etc really unsatisfying & I can never limit myself to the 2 squares everyone else seems able to.

I do my best to get out and walk, listen to a podcast - although all pram friendly walks are a drive away - but I have never enjoyed exercise. I did used to force myself to the gym, but it's not possible at the moment to get the time away from my baby.

It's trying to find things to enjoy that don't involve food that I struggle with. A trip to Sainsbury's is like a spa weekend for me at the moment

Sex

You might be on to something!

I was going to suggest crochet.

Allow yourself some slack, I feel 1200 calories when breastfeeding is way too low.

Plan your days food and include some things you really enjoy.

I like having something like a 2 finger kit kat after a meal, it's like a full stop for me.

I also crochet in the evenings to stop the binge

It’s hard to explain but if you do some researching you’ll see that changing what you eat (fibre, protein, pulses, veg, as little processed food and refined carbs as you can) will change your brain’s obsession and make it easier for you.

I don’t think tdee can be 1650 if you’re 3 stone overweight?

1200 calories is far too low and will be almost impossible to stick to. I lose weight on a high protein, low carb 1700 calories a day.

OP do you really want or need to loose the weight right now? Or do you just feel like you should?

As in your situation with a breastfeeding newborn and disabled son if cake is the one vice and pick me up you need to get through the day abit easier, i would be inclined to say go for it 💗 and worry about the weight loss abit later down the line.

I wouldn't focus on calorie reduction if your baby is only 3 months old, even more so if you are breastfeeding. Maybe try and focus on actual meals that will keep you fuller for longer, such as eggs and avocado and porridge and where you can cut down on cakes and sugary treats. I wouldn't cut out the treats completely though because you will crave them more.

OP can you build a treat into your day? I eat a cookie and crisps every evening as my special treat when dieting - but you could add whatever is your favourite food?

My typical 1200 calorie day with treats =

Breakfast slice of toast and butter 125 cals
Lunch cheese on toast 350 cals
Dinner salmon and broccoli 350 cals

That gives me plenty of leftover cals in the evening to binge some crisps and cookies and stick to 1200, and it works for me!

*also just to add that you need to be adding in your breastfeeding calories. If you're solely breastfeeding it's about 500-700 calories you need extra a day (if you're combi feeding then work out the equivalent calorie amount). So if you usual deficit for your height and weight would be 1200 you need to add on AT LEAST 500 cals to make it about 1700. If you're solely breastfeeding you'll still loose weight on that

I’m absolutely hearing you OP! I spend a lot of time on Vinted wardrobe planning as I marginally love clothes a tiny bit more than cake!

@PatheticDistraction I’m in awe of women who are feeding 3 or 4 other people, including special needs kids, and even breast feeding, whilst severely restricting their own daily calories. No wonder you can’t stop thinking about food. Maybe part of your drive to eat is because you’re desperate for the energy from food. 1200 per day sounds far too low and from what I read, the most gradual weight loss is the least damaging to your metabolism long term.

I would slow down on your weight loss goals. Make as much of your diet as possible about whole foods, protein, nuts, vegetables, and some fat like olive oil. Fill yourself up on these so that your meals are really sustaining and your blood sugar doesnt crash. Find snacks that have really intense flavours ( for me, very dark chocolate, and olives, are both good) as these will help calm the cravings.

I don't know if this helps but this is what I do:

-Buy the slice of cake but have a cup of tea instead of a milky coffee or hot choc. Far fewer calories. Eat half the cake and wrap the other half in a napkin to take home and eat it after dinner. Do not eat any other desserts.

This is just an example of how you can halve your calorie intake but still have a lovely treat.

Thank you so much for the lovely, thoughtful replies.

I'm loosening up my calorie restriction & looking for lower calorie options where possible, but trying not to go too hard on myself.

I think I just find it difficult as it's so easy to eat to excess - I was scrutinising the calories in the M&S cafe yesterday, and it would be frighteningly easy to consume my entire daily allowance (and beyond...) in one sitting, with just a sandwich & slice of cake. I need to reprogram myself to have just a bowl of soup or similar.

My problem is that trying to be healthy leaves me stuck in the house a lot, or aimlessly driving - when I lived in a city, I'd go to a museum or gallery, but here the only options are coffee shops in the nearest village - and there is only so long I can nurse a diet coke or mineral water before out staying my welcome!

If you have 3 st to lose and are breast feeding isn't 1200 calories far too low? No wonder you're always thinking about food.

When my friend lost a lot of weight, she completely changed her lifestyle and approach, learned to see e.g. a bike ride as a treat and carried heathly snacks with her

So the 1200 cals is probably a bit of a distraction - but yes, I have upped it to account for breastfeeding (although tbf - I'm pumping & he's mostly getting formula, whole other story!)

But I tend to think about food all the tome regardless of how many cals I eat - it is literally all I do for enjoyment (I hate admitting that).

I can't even watch TV in the evenings due to DS1 needs'. I wander round local villages with baby in the pram, but that's it. And when DS gets home from school both me & DH are looking after both boys - there's no time for anything else & we don't have help. we've been turned down for respite for eldest 3 times. Aside from eat I really am at a loss as to what to do for downtime or as a treat

OP if you want some "treats" to replace food, here are some suggestions:

• foot rub or massage (if DH is tired you can get a foot massager or massage gun)
• tea. I love decaf tea in the evenings or various herbal teas. Ditto coffee if you're a coffee drinker
• glass of wine (but obviously only one or two re calories)
• hot bath
• get snuggled up and read a gripping book

1200 calories won’t be enough if you’re breastfeeding. No wonder you think about food all the time!

Totally get this — when food is the only “treat” in a busy, restricted life, it makes sense it feels impossible to replace. What helped me (and others I know) is swapping in small non-food rewards that scratch the same itch:

• A fancy bubble bath or new candle instead of cake.
• Podcasts or audiobooks on pram walks, so the walk feels like me time.
• A pretty mug and sugar-free hot choc for the ritual without the calories.
• Little creative bits (colouring, crochet, photo diary of the baby).
• A new magazine, Spotify playlist, or even a call/voice note with a friend.

It doesn’t kill the food obsession overnight, but building a few other treats into the week slowly gives your brain something else to look forward to.