How to begin when so exhausted and overwhelmed?

[chickpea1982]

I need to lose at least 3 stone, but I just can't see how to do it. I have 3 children, and a job, and I'm just exhausted and overwhelmed a lot of the time. I might have a good day, plan how I'm going to eat during the week, stick to it for a day or two, then have to get up at 4 a.m. for the baby for 3 days running (not to mention the daily grind of dealing with 3 children - washing, nagging, tidying, cooking, cleaning etc.) and all my plans go out the window - my reserves are just too low to even think about eating well. It's just compete and utter exhaustion a lot of the time. My "higher brain" which wants me to eat well doesn't get a look in! Sometimes wine feels like the answer (though I know it doesn't really help). My DC are 8, 6 and 1, so a lot of it is due to having a new baby and dealing with a toddler. But I don't want to keep living like this until she is 4. I'd like to start making positive changes, but I feel like my capacity is very, very limited at the moment. Any suggestions?

Not sure I have an advice, but I feel exactly the same. I know eating better and exercise would make me feel better, but I feel
so overwhelmed all the time and exhausted I can’t see where to begin. It’s not that I don’t know how. I think I need to start with organisation. I am not as on top
of meal planning as I should be ( because it’s hard to find the time/ mental capacity) but I think that probably should be my first step.

This will be quite a lengthy response.

I have no easy answers @chickpea1982 @Italiandreams - overwhelm and fatigue make everything infinitely worse, but there are a few things I picked up on in what both of you wrote that I feel able to address.

First up is regarding something that @Italiandreams said: exercise is not essential for weight loss - there is no need to spend hours working out as it will be counterproductive. Secondly, I would urge you to view eating well as self care; eating poorly really does perpetuate the cycle of fatigue/quick energy-fix/crash-and-burn. The rational part of the brain is bypassed when the system senses deprivation and pushes us to grab the nearest energy supply; restrict/binge cycling then begins. It's one reason the 'higher brain' the OP mentioned isn't getting any say in the matter. I speak as someone who tried cognitive approaches to weight loss, and failed. One way round this is to automate decision making: the meal planning and organisation mentioned by @Italiandreams come into their own here. Plan a schedule. On a side note, some find intermittent fasting helpful as it reduces this decision fatigue. The routine you create will build its own momentum and encourage continuity.
Thirdly, seek support: IRL friends, online groups - anything with regular check in. Again, it's about routine and continuity.
I'll add here that the time to start has to be now; postponing weight loss only ever makes it worse; again I speak from hard, bitter experience. Wishing you the best of luck.

Do you have a partner?

The easiest change to make is make most of your plate vegetables and protein. You can still make the family meals, no having to make yourself something different, just pile your plate with the colourful stuff. So spag Bol - ditch the garlic bread and have a side salad or some veg ( I found I actually like asparagus just plainly grilled on a griddle and yep I pick it up with my fingers ) Fish fingers and chips? Sure, just throw on a pile of veg and air fry the chips and ditch the bread and butter

If you are full of veg theres less room for the carbs and if you eat plenty of protein you stay fuller for longer

Yes. He helps but I still feel like I end up doing the lion's share of the kids/house stuff.

Why @chickpea1982?

You have my sympathies. Give yourself a break and be kind to yourself. Starting small would seem like one way to approach it. And try and get your husband on board too.

Eat more veg, soup, stirfrys, have something nutritous and filling for breakfast. Ditch the wine unless there's a good reason for it - like you are actually out rather than sitting in front of the telly.

If you go to the shops, buy more veg, if you shop online buy more veg.

Spend 10 minutes doing a meal plan.

Once you are getting more good food inside of you other stuff starts to click.

intermittent fasting. easy clear rules and no planning meal required. the weight will fall off. Try no food after 5pm or before 9am. you can do it!

There's no way I could do that at the moment! Way too hard. I think I need to start with something a bit easier rather than setting myself up to fail. But thank you - I wish I was the kind of person who had the willpower to do that.

Thank you. Though it's not really main meals that are the problem. I already eat lots of vegetables. It's the packet of biscuits in between or chocolate in the evenings that are the real culprit. And I know I shouldn't, but I find it really hard not to comfort eat when I'm tired.

Small changes! Walk as much as you can.

Calorie count. Then you can eat anything as long as it’s within your allowance. No fad diets or feeling hungry.

Work out your calories on the free James Smith Academy calculator. Aim for slow weight loss and to eat as well as you can,. He’s good as he acknowledges that life can make it difficult! Also The Fitness Chef on Facebook, Ben Carpenter, Jordan Syatt all good for sensible and kind inspiration!

are you able to just bin all of those things now so you cannot eat them? and then try your absolute hardest not to buy any? baby steps..

Go to your GP for a check up. I had to get my pill prescription renewed and GP checked my BP, turns out my BP is high and I'm on medication now for it. Medication has given me an instant pep in my step. The overwhelm has gone and now I feel everything is doable (food prep and housework) rather than just resorting to the same old comfort food.

I lost nearly 4 in a year, I've put back half a stone as recovering from an op and so haven't been able to be as active.

I did SW but it's basically healthy eating, most of your plate should be veg and lots of protein. Anything packaged or sweet is high on calories so avoid. Limit bread to a slice a day , if you have porridge or weetabix don't have a sandwich for lunch as well. I'm never hungry and the weight fell off.

Oh and I am sure the way forward is to cut out sugar, just do t have it, get past 3 days of no sugar and all the cravings stop and you feel more in control and less overwhelmed by everything really.

Fresh air too helps everything so get out once a day for a fast walk.

I think that the first, and most immediate thing, you need to do @chickpea1982 is to ask for your husband to step up more and share more of the burden. He shouldn't be 'helping' you - he should be recognising that you both need to take care of the children and the house.

Second, you need to find a way to carve out some time for yourself, so that you can plan your week's meals, and then shop just for those ingredients. That way you can ensure that you're eating good, nutritious and energy-giving food, and not just grabbing quick stuff.

Get both of those sorted first, and then worry about the weight.

I try to just cut the crap down, as in have half of what I was going to eat as opposed to out, and then push myself that any time I really feel like going for it I drink some water or eat an apple. I always have tons of my favourite apples there. Then if I eat crap I know I’ve had something good already. The problem could be your body is looking to achieve the extreme as opposed to something manageable x And remember you’re doing a lot and you need to breathe!

Bless you, this stage is really hard, especially managing on very little sleep!

I would address sleep first. You decision making, blood sugar control, hormone regulation all goes pear shaped when you don't get enough sleep. You can't pour from an empty cup!

First, talk to your OH and spell it out that you're running on empty, and it can't continue. Get him to get up with the kids on weekends so that you can catch up on sleep. Negotiate that down to just one day a week if he really makes a fuss.

Secondly, as tempting as it is, alcohol and sleep really don't mix together well - alcohol fragments your sleep so you wont get a restful night even without toddler wake ups. so I would try to limit that to a couple small glasses with dinner on the weekend.

Thirdly, go to bed with the kids. You can't do anything about what time your toddler wakes up, but you can control your bed time. No, it's not fun, but you need to put your health first. You'll be able to tackle the challenges of the day so much better when you've had some more sleep! Put your phone away, switch off the TV, and just hit the pillow. 7 hours of broken sleep is still better than 5.

I would give this at least 2 weeks. Then, once you've somewhat caught up with that, I would tackle your diet in this order:

1. Junk
2. Breakfast
3. Evening snacking
4. Lunch
5. Dinner
6. All other snacking

So with junk, the aim is to reduce it, and to be realistic about it - consistency over perfection.

Environment is the invisible hand that shapes our behaviour, so I would aim to remove all tempting foods from your house. If they are not there, you can't eat them.

If you cant do that, then at least put them somewhere awkward - higher shelves, behind other jars so that you have to take other stuff first to get to them. This will stop you mindlessly grabbing stuff and shoving it in your mouth.

Be realistic - you will want to snack, so get some healthier options, like fruit, veg sticks, cherry tomatoes. I don't know many people who can eat more than one apple in a row. I can't say the same about chocolate Digestives!

If you have access to cakes and biscuits or vending machines at work, then obviously there's not much you can do about that - so set yourself a weekly limit, ie I can have 2 treats a week - on Thursday and Friday. That way it's not a taboo, but still a reduction, and something to look forward to at the end of the week. As above, bring some fruit in so that you can have that if you're really tempted.

Do this again, for 2 weeks, and then aim to reduce further, or if you feel that sweet stuff is more or less under control, then start looking at your breakfast, as that really sets you up for the day. And so on.

You can do it, but you need to put yourself first ❤️

I'm in a similar situation to you in that I'm a single parent to 3 similar aged kids and I have a full time job. My kids are generally okay sleepers but I understand feeling exhausted and overwhelmed!

Every weekend I do a meal plan and an online food shop, so the only food that we have in is what's delivered on a Sunday. I also try to cook a big pan of something relatively healthy at the weekend, I've slowly built up a stock of different meals in the freezer doing this, so when I'm shattered I can just grab something quick. That mostly keeps me away from the biscuits and takeaways.

I try to keep meals simple and high protein if I can. For breakfast I have greek yogurt with nuts and honey and a protein shake. I find that keeps me satisfied until well into the afternoon. Lunch tends to be soup or hummous & veg, then dinner something quick like pasta & salad or stir fry or something from my freezer stash.

I also try to weight train at the gym on my lunch break (when WFH) and go to a yoga class once a week. It's hard to find the motivation sometimes when I'm running on empty, but I find that I always feel better for going. Even if I only make it once a week I tell myself that's better than nothing!

You should cut yourself some slack though. If all of this stuff takes more time and energy than you have at the moment then don't beat yourself up for that. Sleep deprivation makes everything so difficult. All of the above goes out the window for me too if any of the kids have a bad few nights. Rest is more important than anything else I think.

Most weightloss approaches tend to have two things in common whichever one you choose. Firstly, eat more plants and secondly eat less sugar. (I would say eat less UPF, but the weightloss clubs seem to promote UPF).

Then, make small changes. Extend your overnight fast until 8am or replace some of your drunk calories with water or add something green to every evening meal…

It sounds as though you don’t currently have the resources for big changes, so make small ones.

I get that My meals are brilliant, its the food that goes into my mouth via the fingers which is the killer.

Im lucky that I dont have children here so Im not buying, however mother loves to buy ( for herself in reality ) and puts them on the sideboard , where I see them every time I walk into the kitchen, and yes I do crack when Im tired, stressed, generally peed off - who wouldn't when they are running on empty?

So for me, and Im fighting to keep the weight down ( im 60, it weren't easy to get off and ill be buggered if Im going to go through that battle again ) what I do is to keep to my plan as best as I can. So my meals are good and healthy and suit me. When I say suit me, I try to cook meals that I actually like, so I do eat. Theres many a time Im cooking to suit mother or DH, and those are the days I push food about the plate and am starved at 10pm and rip open and inhale the biscuits . And if those moments happen, they happen, and I start again with the next meal. I dont say fuck it, I say oops. A fuck it means I just carry on with the crap, an oops means Im still determined and it was just a hiccup.

Some weeks I have two oops, then I might go two weeks without one so Im still on track, slow lane for sure, but still on track and at the end of the day a fast loss can mean you dont actually change eating habits, mine are slowly changing and the opps are getting further apart

My goodness, you sound very busy. You're already doing amazingly, and wanting to make a positive change is the most incredible decision you can make for yourself and your family.

In terms of losing weight without a big time commitment, I make a podcast called Words to Lose By about how I lost 13 stone. For a recent episode I did some cool maths I'd like to share with you.

When we go about our lives we're doing things like cleaning the kitchen, getting the shopping and running after the kids. All of this is movement, and it burns calories. It's called NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis). Sedentary people who sit down all day burn around 700 calories through NEAT (getting up and going to the loo, wandering round the kitchen looking for snacks etc).

Very active people, like farmhands, burn 2,000 or more calories a day through NEAT. You might not be burning quite that much, but a busy Mum is guaranteed to burn plenty. Plus, the overweight body burns more calories than a slim body. You've got a lot in your corner here.

The last piece of the puzzle is to control your incoming calories. Weight loss is 90% in my opinion. You could probably eat 1800-2000 calories a day and lose weight. If you have a smartwatch like a Fitbit that'll tell you exactly how much you burn. All you need to do is eat a few hundred less than that. tdeecalculator.net is a good place to get a rough estimate if you don't have a watch.

You can fill up on healthy soups and salads laden with yummy chicken and bacon. That kind of food will keep you feeling fuller and more satisfied than any kind of junk food. You don't have to be hungry or deprive yourself. A sensible diet will make you feel incredible inside and out, and if you stay consistent you'll see results before you know it.

Start small don't even worry about food yet. Increase your water intake and try and make sure you get adequate sleep, not easy with little ones. Wind down properly before bed with a book rather than screens.

Our body stores fat around our middle when stressed so trying to reduce that first with better hydration and rest, and then build in better food habits.

OP what a stressful life you have at the moment. I completely understand how you can't focus on healthy eating with so much on.

I'm very recently retired and still finding it difficult (just started another healthy eating plan this week). The last 5 years of my life have been very stressful as a carer and I am now seven, yes that's right SEVEN stones overweight. So to get to a bmi of 25 I have to lose a heck of alot of weight. I have lost weight in the past (although only 2 and a half stone) but this is what worked for me and what I am doing again just now. (it's expensive so it might not be an option for you but I thought I'd write it down anyway)

I sort of cheat. I shop at waitrose. I buy good quality low fat meat or fish (mostly organic) and I buy ready to microwave veggies and ready prepared fruit.

So I eat good stuff that fills me up and is not processed which stops the sugar high and low which causes you to keep getting hungry and overeat and crave more sugar.

So example yesterday

Lunch - piece venison baked in oven and ton of micro veggies. (cook 2 pieces of venison and give the other to my dog mixed in with his food. Venison gets chucked in oven tray and put in oven. Nothing done to it)

Dinner - Piece of salmon baked in oven with a salad (cook 2 pieces of salmon and give other to dog)

Snacks/supper - Yogurt, 2 oranges, 2 eggs (eggs ready cooked and shelled in a plastic pot from supermarket)

That's it. Very little cooking. 2 small trays that went into oven so not much dirty dishes. Very simple but all very filling and stops the sugar high and low.

No ready meals because they are not filling and are full of chemicals.

So my way is to throw money at it. Thus I can eat quickly and with very little work/thought.

A great tip - try to eat like a caveman. Now it's not strictly true but imagine you have gone back in time two hundred years. Now you can eat anything which is available. So meat, fish, chicken, vegetables, fruit, milk, cheese.
You can't eat anything that was not around then - so no ready meals, no fizzy juice, no UPF, no jars of sauces. Obviously try and eat the low fat meats and not lamb, duck etc

Don't be too hard on yourself. Losing weight is hard enough without all the pressure you are under. If nothing else hopefully my seven stone to lose has made you feel you are not alone.

(Still can't believe I am this fat and it is scary - my BMI is 39.4)

P.S. I was utterly exhausted when I started and had lots of illness/virus. As soon as you start to eat property you get more energy. It's quite amazing actually. So if you can push through the first week you will find you actually have more energy to cope with your busy life.

It's not unheard of for an obese person to be starving. They are eating lots of crap but their body is constantly crying out for food because it is not getting the nutrients it needs if that makes sense.