It's taken one mean comment from a stranger to expose my own delusion.

[SituationTypeDeal]

Very condensed history: lifelong issues with food + self image due to childhood (mum with ED who still thinks that fat is one of the worst things a human can be, food restricted for us kids, emotional neglect).

Spent large parts of 20s and 30s obsessively dieting. When not dieting, would eat shit and try to ignore weight gain for months until it got to a certain point (eg a cruel comment from my mother) and it would all start again.

Had therapy to try and break the cycle. Spent the last few years larger than ever before (size 12 is my fighting weight, last month my 16s were only fitting if they had no zip or had an elasticated waist). Tried SO hard to convince myself I could be fat and happy. I have amazing kids, a great but stressful job, a wonderful partner - is it really the worst thing in the world if I also happen to be overweight?

Have been following body positive insta people with bodies like mine to try and see myself more positively.

Last month at work, an old neighbour of mine made a comment about the size of my arse to a queue full of people. I didn't hear but a colleague did and (rather too gleefully) came to tell me.

It was all a lie. I hate being fat. I feel unattractive and lethargic. I've been avoiding mirrors where possible. Dressing in boring frumpy clothes because I feel too big to wear anything like my fighting weight wardrobe of colourful vintage stuff. I have been getting a sore lower back when I've never in my life experienced any physical repercussions of my weight. I only wear horrible big granny knickers now. My sex drive is awol.

So I've now cut out carbs and alcohol. Am eating 1000 cals a day. Only eating in a small time window. I feel loads better already but I'm aware I'm doing it in an unhealthy way.

Not sure why I'm posting apart from to say that I've now concluded that a lot what happens to us in childhood and adolescence is pretty much impossible to change or recover from.

Thanks for reading.

❤❤❤

My history is identical to yours so I understand. xx

OP how horrible that you have encountered at least two very cruel and stupid people in your life.

Re the weight loss, you sound like exactly the kind of person who would really benefit from one of those injectable GLP-1 agonists. Check out the threads on MN: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/weight-loss-injections

I feel the same as you and experienced comments from patients while working in the NHS. The comments literally broke me, but I would stuff my face as it was the only way I could cope.
This year heading to my fifties I have realised I need to do something, I don't eat till 2pm (weekdays) just have some crackers and cheese spread, satsuma, banana. Then an evening meal, I have lost 3 stone. Not many people have noticed. Bet they would have noticed if I had gained 3 stone and made sure they commented about it!

Keep going, you are amazing, do this for you though.

What a shitty person!

That sounds really tough.

It has taken a very cruel comment from a colleague *to set you back into your own cycle of abuse.

(you don’t even know if the neighbour said the comment, just your gleeful colleague.)

Having a highly resistive diet that is unsustainable means you will drastically lose weight and then but it all back on when you can’t sustain that way of eating. You have an eating disorder, just as much as your mum does. It is just manifesting in a different way.

I know it is easier said than done but can you speak to you GP about this. It is possible to recover from childhood abuse/ trauma/conditioning but it is hard work. One of the major things is you have to believe that you do have some control here, you aren’t trapped to always follow the same pattern. Speaking to some professionals can really help you with this.

So I've now cut out carbs and alcohol. Am eating 1000 cals a day. Only eating in a small time window. I feel loads better already but I'm aware I'm doing it in an unhealthy way.

Well it doesn't sound unhealthy to me. It sounds emininently sensible. A good weight loss plan for you is one that works, that you can stick to and that gives you the nutrients you need. There is virtually nothing you are going to be deficient in simply by cutting out the main sources of carbs. And if you were a regular/habitual drinker of the 'two glasses of wine an evening' type then you'll benefit hugely just by stopping that alone.

What is it you think you should be doing to lose weight, in an ideal world?

Thanks all.

@Sunshineandrainbow Sorry you went through similar. I'm NHS too (although not clinical).

@AcceptAllChanges I wish it were only two! When I was 25 I went into a relatives house, all dressed up for a wedding and a spinster aunt said "Oh my god I wouldn't have recognised you, you've got so fat". I didn't go to the wedding. I was wearing a size 14 dress from Monsoon.

My first Xmas home from uni (I'd discovered the cider and takeaway pizza diet as a lot of freshers do) I got all dressed up for a night out with my friends and we got photos developed (yes am old!) from the predrinks, one of which my mum gave to me and said "Maybe this should be your 'Before' photo".

I now run a fucking mile at the sign of a camera.

Eurgh. It's exhausting.

I haven’t had the same background as you, but I’ve reached the same conclusion. Being thin makes me happy, being a 16 for me is overweight. Clothes look better on thin people. Wrap it all up as much as you like ‘husband loves me for who I am’ blah blah blah, but I am far happier and look a thousand times better when I’m a size 10, not a 14.

It often takes a comment or a photograph to give you the shock you need.

I meant two horrible people in quick succession, so recently 😁

Life can be full of arseholes. But you will have fun turning the tables on them.

Try and turn it into the moment you decided to change the direction of your life x

It's awful that someone made a rude comment about your arse, and the colleague that gleefully trotted back to you and repeatedly the comment?

What on earth was she hoping to achieve? She could've just said 'Sandra can be so rude and judgemental about people's appearance. I really think she needs to shut up'. They didn't need to repeat the actual comments or say it was about you.

Cutting down on carbs and alcohol is a good way to lose weight. But don't cut out carbs completely. Just have wholegrains and smaller portions. I'd say 1000 cals isn't really sustainable so you should probably go a bit higher. You'll still see results but more consistent and easier to maintain.

But don't ever feel like you're less of a person just because you feel a bit heavier than you'd like. I'd say the majority of people think they could lose a few kilos. Don't be too harsh on yourself.

Well done on the weight loss. Keep going and focus on how much better you feel. Your diet doesn’t sound unhealthy to me - far from it.

I was slim my whole life but 2 or 3 years ago, I started to gain weight. By summer this year, I was bursting out of size 14 jeans. I was miserable. Nobody ever said anything directly, but I bumped into a friend I’d not seen for a while and she said ‘I didn’t recognise you!’. I took that to mean ‘…because you’re so fat’. It sounds daft, but that was what it took for me to take action. I’ve been on Mounjaro for about 14 weeks and I’ve lost 37 pounds.

It’s easy to kid yourself that you’re not overweight. Sometimes, someone else’s comment (even if unkind) can really help.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know this is an incredibly hard cycle to break but I would really caution you starting another restrictive diet and exercise regime. History has shown this does not lead to happiness. Your mother has her own issues which she has sadly passed on to you through no fault of your own.

Is there any form of exercise that makes you happy (not lose weight per se). Perhaps dancing, or yoga or pilates? Something that would get you moving your body in a happy and joyful way, instead of punishment? Because that is what you are doing OP, you are punishing yourself, and that will chip away at your mental health in a terribly negative way.

Also, is this something that you want to pass on to your own children? Because even if you think you are hiding this, they will eventually see the way you treat yourself and think this is ok.

@OhBeAFineGuyKissMe I work in primary care and know that where I am there is no specific help that a GP can give me for this, just a referral for bog standard CBT via PCMHT which I have done twice before, obviously without success. I've also paid a lot of money for private counselling which clearly also hasn't worked.

I don't want to open up all my childhood trauma tbh.

At this age I'm more inclined to just accept that this is how I am and try to manage it as best I can. Same as @Moveoverdarlin I know I'm only really happy in myself when I'm at or around my goal weight.

I've made some steps to avoid me going as extreme as I have before (removing scales from house - will weigh once a month at work. With scales in house I weigh twice a day and get fixated on plateaus etc.
I also haven't done an initial weight as I know it will have been bad and that might trigger be to use laxatives as I have in the past).

Am drinking water, eating lean protein, leafy green veg, avocados, oily fish, nuts and seeds, Greek yoghurt. I think my diet is pretty decent. Just need to keep going.

Today I'm wearing jeans that I haven't worn in 6 months. It feels like such a victory.

I have a similar history to you, OP. My mum wasn't anorexic but she had (and still does have) a very unhealthy relationship with weight and food. She also placed a lot of value on how "pretty" her children were. This resulted in me developing an ED in primary school that has plagued me on and off for most of my adult life.

I cycle between extreme restriction and extreme binging, much like you.

Please don't listen to the posters saying your diet is healthy. You know it is not. It is not possible to get all the nutrition you need on 1000 calories a day. It will eventually trigger another binge cycle. Reach out for help now, break the cycle, and remember you are more than your weight. Anyone focussing on how you look or what you weigh is doing it because they are miserable and or lacking something in their own lives so they are trying to make themselves feel better by pulling you down to their level. Don't let them

This is REALLY dangerous advice for someone with an ED history, please don’t make comments like this if you have no knowledge of ED’s.

@Frequency thank you for sharing your experience and I'm sorry you've been through similar 💐

I would truly love to be able to rise above comments like the one this lady made but I think I would only gave been able to do so if I genuinely felt happy and healthy at the larger size. I don't.

I've been ignoring a niggly little voice in my head for months that has been telling me I've been neither happy nor healthy and all this comment has done is made me acknowledge that voice.

I'm quite vain and I like feeling attractive so this is another factor which comes into play. I'm sick of feeling like an invisible old frump and want to get back to my old self in time for a big bday next May (45 😱).

As someone who has piled on 1.5 stone since covid I totally understand that you want to lose the weight quickly but 1000 calories isn't enough.

Give yourself something around 1400 and lose the weight slowly or you'll have one bad day and convince yourself that you've failed.

Have you tried contacting the charities that specialise in eating disorders? It does sound like you have a binge-starve approach (especially given what you said about laxatives).

You need to learn a healthy middle ground - which I suspect is not easy with NHS shift patterns.

Remember you deserve help and your value as a person is not defined by your size

For someone with ED, counting calories and focusing on weight loss is dangerous, on any number of calories. I'm sure OP knows this.

Weight management for someone with OP's history should only ever be undertaken under the supervision of a registered dietician and the focus should be on developing and maintaining a healthy, balanced diet and a good relationship with food, not calories or numbers on a scale. Any weight loss should be incidental.

I get that posters are trying to be kind and helpful, but suggesting diets or calorie goals is not safe for OP.

@SituationTypeDeal I totally understand why you want to lose weight. I am exactly the same myself. I'm struggling with restriction at the moment so any advice I give RN is going to be a do what I say, not what I do type deal, but you know this is not the right way. It didn't work last time, it won't work this time.

If you don't want to reach out for help at least stop counting calories and weighing yourself and try eating 3 meals a day of mostly whole foods.

So I've now cut out carbs and alcohol. Am eating 1000 cals a day. Only eating in a small time window. I feel loads better already but I'm aware I'm doing it in an unhealthy way.

@SituationTypeDeal

Come and join us the Low carb bootcamp threads. So much knowledge and friendly support to be had and you might find the way of eating really works for you.