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Weight loss chat

A space to talk openly about weight loss journeys and challenges. Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. You may wish to speak to a medical professional before starting any diet.

Fat shamed by mother

32 replies

mrsdeetee · 15/10/2024 16:50

My mum just rubbed my belly and asked when I was due. I knew I had gained weight but this just makes me feel awful. I'd never do that to my daughter, what gives her the idea this is ok? She's 74.

OP posts:
sunflowersngunpowdr · 15/10/2024 16:56

She was joking. I do that exact same thing to my husband at least once a week.

BashfulClam · 15/10/2024 17:02

sunflowersngunpowdr · 15/10/2024 16:56

She was joking. I do that exact same thing to my husband at least once a week.

You’re a dickhead then!

FrenchandSaunders · 15/10/2024 17:03

Sadly this seems very common with mums and daughters. Horrible 🙁. I have two adult DDs and wouldn’t dream of doing this.

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 17:04

It isn't OK.
Being your mother doesn't give her the right to be rude and hurtful to you.

REP22 · 15/10/2024 17:11

That's horrible, I'm so sorry.

If it happens again I suggest "Mother, I'm booking you in at the GPs for some tests for dementia screening. Because that's such an unkind and cruel thing for you to have said that I'm wondering if there might be some cognitive decline going on and it's best to get it checked out early."

That might give her pause before being so cruel again in future.

Having said that, with some sufferers of dementia, a lack of empathy towards others and the dropping of social filters can be a sign of that wretched affliction. Hopefully not in your case.

I'm so sorry you've had that from your mother. x

Rewis · 15/10/2024 17:53

My mom has lately commented on my weight. She's 75 if that matters. She's been overweight/obese for the last 30+ years. First comment was kinda warning that it sucks when you can't find clothes that fit, the second comment was about our gentitic disposition for weight gain and how she's gutted she didn't lose the weight after all the pregnancies. And the final one was casual about clothing size. She wasn't rude and it came from a place of concern. But it hurt and if she does it once more I will snap. I already gave a warning of "stop it".

And still last time at dinner she's the kne asking why I'm not having cake or asking if we should get some goodies. Make up your mind.

MounjaroUser · 15/10/2024 18:01

sunflowersngunpowdr · 15/10/2024 16:56

She was joking. I do that exact same thing to my husband at least once a week.

What a lovely joke. Your lucky husband.

Mrsdoyler · 15/10/2024 18:03

My mum does this all the time.

I always say to her "remember if you're going to comment on how someone looks, you should say a positive comment"

She said she does it because she's apparently worried for my health.

I hate it too. It hurts when someone calls you fat. Like you don't know if you've put on a few pounds yourself!

Berlinlover · 15/10/2024 18:04

If somebody had done this to me maybe my cancer wouldn’t have been so advanced when it was discovered.

Gowlett · 15/10/2024 18:04

Wouldn’t take any notice. My mum comments on my weight.
When she comments that I’m looking slim, I know I must be!

Mrsdoyler · 15/10/2024 18:06

My mum told me I looked nine months pregnant last week.

MissHemsworth · 15/10/2024 18:07

I've had years of comments like this from my mum and my sister. They're weirdly obsessed with my weight. For context I'm a size them and they're 16-18 I'd never dream of retaliating because it's so hurtful in the first place!

Mrsdoyler · 15/10/2024 18:07

Some mothers do seem to be obsessed with weight!

ItsLovelyWeatherForDucks · 16/10/2024 09:45

As a previous poster said, some mums do seem obsessed with weight. Mine passed away over a decade ago in her mid 70s. but she constantly had something to say about my weight, no matter what it was - and she often had something to say about my DCs weight too.

At one point, my kids were probably one - to one and a half stone overweight in their mid teens (for 2-3 years,) And every time I went around, she had something to say about it. The school nurse, the teachers, the doctors, the GP Practice nurses, never made any comments about it as it was hardly any extra weight, and they lost it in their late teens. But mother was the expert!

But yeah, ever since I can remember my mum poked at my weight. She always had something to say about it. Hectoring me and said I'm chubby, and 'no lad will ever want me' 🙄and 'hopefully I lose the puppy fat in my 20s.'

She kept on at me even though at 5 foot 4 I was only ten and a half stone in my mid teens. Not thin yeah, but not morbidly obese! Then at 16, I went on a diet and dropped to 8 stone. Then it was 'you're too thin, you look gaunt, you look like a corpse, and you need to gain weight.'

Then both times I was pregnant she kept on at me. 'Make sure you don't put much weight on. You'll never get rid of it.' Within 4 weeks of having the baby she was like 'I can't believe you haven't lost that baby weight yet. Come on, there's no excuse. Look at Lady Di, (and she mentioned other famous people too,) 'she lost all her baby weight within a few weeks!'

It was just ridiculous. No wonder - like hundreds of thousands of other people, I've got an eating disorder that I've had for 35 years plus that I've not been able to shake. I honestly put it all down to my mother. She never ever had a go at my brother though, who was always routinely a couple of stone overweight. And he was 4-5 stone overweight for the last few years of her life. Golden Balls could do no wrong. She NEVER criticized him for anything.

Like a previous poster said, I would never, ever, ever, say anything to my DC about their weight/size/body shape. I don't want them to feel the way my mother made me feel. There were some cruel people in those 2 generations. (The baby boomers and the generation before them.) Very sharp tongue. Very critical. Very rude. Very outspoken and rather nasty at times. Not all of them of course, but certainly quite a few I've encountered - and quite a few people I know have encountered. (And quite a few on this thread have by the sound of it.)

mrsdeetee · 16/10/2024 17:26

FrenchandSaunders · 15/10/2024 17:03

Sadly this seems very common with mums and daughters. Horrible 🙁. I have two adult DDs and wouldn’t dream of doing this.

Thank you! Maybe it's a generational thing?

OP posts:
mrsdeetee · 16/10/2024 17:26

Lifeisarealchallenge · 15/10/2024 17:04

It isn't OK.
Being your mother doesn't give her the right to be rude and hurtful to you.

Thank you, I just stood in stunned silence

OP posts:
mrsdeetee · 16/10/2024 17:27

REP22 · 15/10/2024 17:11

That's horrible, I'm so sorry.

If it happens again I suggest "Mother, I'm booking you in at the GPs for some tests for dementia screening. Because that's such an unkind and cruel thing for you to have said that I'm wondering if there might be some cognitive decline going on and it's best to get it checked out early."

That might give her pause before being so cruel again in future.

Having said that, with some sufferers of dementia, a lack of empathy towards others and the dropping of social filters can be a sign of that wretched affliction. Hopefully not in your case.

I'm so sorry you've had that from your mother. x

Interesting theory, I'll keep an eye on that. Thank you

OP posts:
mrsdeetee · 16/10/2024 17:28

Rewis · 15/10/2024 17:53

My mom has lately commented on my weight. She's 75 if that matters. She's been overweight/obese for the last 30+ years. First comment was kinda warning that it sucks when you can't find clothes that fit, the second comment was about our gentitic disposition for weight gain and how she's gutted she didn't lose the weight after all the pregnancies. And the final one was casual about clothing size. She wasn't rude and it came from a place of concern. But it hurt and if she does it once more I will snap. I already gave a warning of "stop it".

And still last time at dinner she's the kne asking why I'm not having cake or asking if we should get some goodies. Make up your mind.

Mine too. Whenever I mention trying to diet she turns up the next day with cakes or chocolate! Sabotage much?

OP posts:
mrsdeetee · 16/10/2024 17:29

Berlinlover · 15/10/2024 18:04

If somebody had done this to me maybe my cancer wouldn’t have been so advanced when it was discovered.

I'm so sorryEaster Sad

OP posts:
grumpypedestrian · 16/10/2024 17:29

sunflowersngunpowdr · 15/10/2024 16:56

She was joking. I do that exact same thing to my husband at least once a week.

Wow, that is awful. I’d never treat someone I love in such a disgusting way. Is your husband allowed to be honest in his feelings about this treatment?

mrsdeetee · 16/10/2024 17:29

Mrsdoyler · 15/10/2024 18:06

My mum told me I looked nine months pregnant last week.

Why do they think comments like this are ok??

OP posts:
mrsdeetee · 16/10/2024 17:31

MissHemsworth · 15/10/2024 18:07

I've had years of comments like this from my mum and my sister. They're weirdly obsessed with my weight. For context I'm a size them and they're 16-18 I'd never dream of retaliating because it's so hurtful in the first place!

Poor you getting it from both of them. That's terrible and so unhelpful

OP posts:
mrsdeetee · 16/10/2024 17:33

ItsLovelyWeatherForDucks · 16/10/2024 09:45

As a previous poster said, some mums do seem obsessed with weight. Mine passed away over a decade ago in her mid 70s. but she constantly had something to say about my weight, no matter what it was - and she often had something to say about my DCs weight too.

At one point, my kids were probably one - to one and a half stone overweight in their mid teens (for 2-3 years,) And every time I went around, she had something to say about it. The school nurse, the teachers, the doctors, the GP Practice nurses, never made any comments about it as it was hardly any extra weight, and they lost it in their late teens. But mother was the expert!

But yeah, ever since I can remember my mum poked at my weight. She always had something to say about it. Hectoring me and said I'm chubby, and 'no lad will ever want me' 🙄and 'hopefully I lose the puppy fat in my 20s.'

She kept on at me even though at 5 foot 4 I was only ten and a half stone in my mid teens. Not thin yeah, but not morbidly obese! Then at 16, I went on a diet and dropped to 8 stone. Then it was 'you're too thin, you look gaunt, you look like a corpse, and you need to gain weight.'

Then both times I was pregnant she kept on at me. 'Make sure you don't put much weight on. You'll never get rid of it.' Within 4 weeks of having the baby she was like 'I can't believe you haven't lost that baby weight yet. Come on, there's no excuse. Look at Lady Di, (and she mentioned other famous people too,) 'she lost all her baby weight within a few weeks!'

It was just ridiculous. No wonder - like hundreds of thousands of other people, I've got an eating disorder that I've had for 35 years plus that I've not been able to shake. I honestly put it all down to my mother. She never ever had a go at my brother though, who was always routinely a couple of stone overweight. And he was 4-5 stone overweight for the last few years of her life. Golden Balls could do no wrong. She NEVER criticized him for anything.

Like a previous poster said, I would never, ever, ever, say anything to my DC about their weight/size/body shape. I don't want them to feel the way my mother made me feel. There were some cruel people in those 2 generations. (The baby boomers and the generation before them.) Very sharp tongue. Very critical. Very rude. Very outspoken and rather nasty at times. Not all of them of course, but certainly quite a few I've encountered - and quite a few people I know have encountered. (And quite a few on this thread have by the sound of it.)

Totally agree that it's lack of emotional intelligence and probably a generational thing!

OP posts:
OptimismvsRealism · 16/10/2024 17:34

I think if someone touched my belly I'd punch them

SallyWD · 16/10/2024 17:35

I wouldn't really mind if it was my mum. We're close enough that I feel we can point out if either of us have put on weight.
I did get annoyed when a colleague did something similar, though. She was my line manager and had always made a big deal about the fact I was slimmer than her. Once, I'd put on a few pounds and she grabbed hold of my muffin top and shouted really gleefully to the whole department "Oh look, you're getting fat!". I wanted to punch her in the face. Mostly because of the way she grabbed hold of my flesh.