Binge solidarity/support thread

[SilverDoe]

Just wondered if anybody would be interested in having a thread that runs alongside the ongoing weight loss threads, specifically for those times when you are struggling with getting your eating under control.

I have just had 2 really badly off track days, where nothing could touch the sides and I felt constantly hungry. Full binge mode. It's funny because I have been doing reasonably well with sticking to my diet since I got back on track in mid Feb, have had plenty of "off plan" days, but these were quite bad binges.

I was looking to make a space specifically for when we are in that mindset of feeling out of control, so we can talk each other down and get back on track with whatever weight loss journeys we are on!

I have binge eating disorder, I’m not a professional by any stretch but I am always open to talk to anyone who wants to. I also always advise anyone who does struggle with this to seek help or therapy to discuss ways to manage your feelings.

I found I would always be so hard on myself and feel so ashamed, this is what kept me going back. I have broken out of it for the time being but it could come back if I am triggered by something. Be kind to yourself. One or two days off plan doesn’t mean you have set yourself back. Take each day at a time. Remember your goals. Find ways to fulfil yourself that do not feature foods.

The only word of warning I would give to you is to be mindful of what content you invite or read in this manner and look out for yourself and your wellbeing. What I found could happen, and this is often online is that binge eating can be a spiral type of hole and for me, reading about other people binging gave me justification for keep doing it myself, and kind of kept fuelling the desire. It became unhealthy for me to engage too much in the discussion about binging whilst I was in a bad place and it wasn’t in control because it would trigger me to keep doing it, some people do not really understand this condition or have insight into how destructive it can be to your wellbeing, if you are trying to break out of it don’t put yourself in a position where you are reading about other people’s indulgence or their own binges too much. It’s an eating disorder - professional help is hard to find but not impossible. Even my own partner can trigger me sometimes as he over eats and I can feel myself drawn into wanting to ‘join in’.

what can be healthy is focusing on all the goals you have and exploring ways of managing your feelings and emotions. You want to try to break away from this not lean into it, just bear that in mind x

Thank you so much for posting and sharing your insight, I really appreciate it 🌻

I do completely agree with all you've said.

I've been doing The Last Diet which I think is really helping. I don't know if there is a distinction, but I've always considered myself and emotional overeater rather than a binge eater. I've always considered my habits to be, overeating and just eaten what I fancied, without really doing thinking either way. Not really so much guilt and shame as simply the "benefits" of getting the comfort of eating whatever I craved outweighing the negatives of being unhappy with my weight.

If I look at myself more objectively though, I feel like I'm a binge eater hiding in plain sight. My biggest trigger is a cycle I struggle to break out of, which is to do so well with my dieting efforts that I end up over restricting below my goal calorie deficit, and then end up binging almost uncontrollably. Like I get this sense of anticipation and it almost feels like it's set in stone that I will be overeating that day. It's a struggle that I really need to get over as while I haven't lost loads of weight yet, I've managed to get back on track and my usual yo-yo point and want to really make it this time.

I'm sorry if this thread is triggering to anyone, my intention was more a motivational drop in point for people who are on a WL journey and having a bad day or period of "falling off the wagon" more so than an actual BED support thread. Not that that isn't welcome! But I completely agree with you that it could become unhelpful for people with BED, especially since I'm on a conventional WL plan which involves talking about calories, limits and restriction.

@SilverDoe your post is lovely and you have a lot of insight. You know you can do this, you have all the right mindset 😌

I also have emotional eating but it does feel like a compulsion at times. I certainly had moments where I could not stop myself. I agree with your overview that’s how I also saw myself!

Binge and restrict is really common amongst binge eaters and what creates the cycle. The more you restrict the more you will struggle.

It’s only once I really addressed my triggers - stress - that I managed to work through the cycling. I let myself have a daily allowance and finally fell into a pattern of no cycling through binge and restrict. I had something tangible to stick to. This might not work for everyone, calories themselves can be triggering.

Certainly keep it positive I absolutely know what you meant by starting this thread however if it gets too much just take a break. I will PM you

I looked earlier at this thread ,and thought about joining,,but I also thought op ,your going to get people ( like me ) who have quite significant issues and it could well be triggering for you , yourself.
I'm past the point of anyone other than a psychiatrist helping me ,( so I'm starting to think)
But for others not so far down the rabbit hole ,this was a nice idea op

@Springcat of course you are welcome!

I think it's good for anyone who is in the headspace of wanting to stop overeating to have a place to come when they need a bit of spurring on, and reminding why they want to change

Ok .thankyou ..I'm here .
I had bulimia for 30 years ,and only stopped 6 ISH years ago..so the urges still come back .but I've not given in .I'm fighting hard .. because I know it's a slippery slope .
So although I stopped the vomiting,I didn't manage to stop the bingeing .
Currently I am calorie counting each day
But ,as per usual...again today I've binged and used all my calories by 3 pm each day ,so yet again no evening meal for me ,meaning tomorrow I will be starving again

So I'd love to hear how other people have got past this ,and turned their life round to eat normally..at this point I'm open to all ideas

@Springcat How are you doing today? Are you following any goals at the moment?

I think Menora's post above yours is really helpful. I've been trying to learn a bit about behaviour change and things like that, and I got this book called The Last Diet after hearing an excerpt of the author on a podcast - she was saying something like "this book is for people who have all the know how and desire to lose weight, but for some reason can't stick to their plans and reach their goals".

Questioning ourselves, and being understanding of what our impulses are, what our habits are, why we over eat in the first place, and why we go "off plan" is helping me. Reframing my desires and habits to comfort eat is helping. I certainly don't have all the answers, but it seems to be coming together for me and there is definitely a lot more work to do. Understanding that habits are an ingrained and automatic behaviour, and not some kind of moral weakness or failing, is also helping.

She's not an expert as such, but in a similar vein to The Last Diet, I've found a YouTuber called Kiana Docherty's videos helpful. It's kind of like, building up the resources to understand and therefore be in control of your own behaviour.

There are loads of things I think I thought I knew on a rational level, but I have never really properly examined those ideas and taken them to heart, if that makes sense? And biggest of all, I don't think in my heart of hearts, I've ever truly believed I could actually lose a significant amount of weight and keep it off. It's like, all my failed diet attempts/ yo-yo dieting has led me to, over the years, solidify the belief that there is some flaw in me which means I cannot trust myself to meet my own goals.

It takes a lot of unpacking I think, but at the same time, I'm not finding that I need a huge amount of work or therapy to start taking control of my own habits. There are definitely times (like when I posted this thread) when I do go back to feeling just out of control hungry, but I'm slowly starting to view those relapses as an inevitable part of long term change.

Full disclosure, I have not finished The Last Diet yet, and I'm still in the midst of "setting everything up" for myself, is what I feel like, if that makes sense? But I've been plodding along and losing weight for the most part. What does keep coming back to me whenever I overeat is a part of the TLD where the author talks about "trivialising your goals". Whenever you indulge in overeating, you are trivialising your desire to lose weight in order to permit yourself to overeat. I've found that line floating back to me every time I overeat, and have found it really effective for reframing my thinking.

Sorry this post is so long, but I do have one more thing to share with you. I've started tracking healthy behaviours, rather than weight. I don't know if this is beneficial, but my rational is, it's the promise I made to myself at the beginning of The Last Diet (where you promise to do one small self care thing per day to mark the change in your approach going forward), and I find it really helpful to track something that I actually have control over. I don't have complete control over what the scale will tell me. I may have been really good that week, but have my period due in a few days and the scale will tell me I've not lost weight, or even gained. If I know in my heart (and see it written in black and white), that I have been sticking to my goals, I've just found that more motivating than sticking to the number on the scale.

Hi. No advice to offer but need to offload. Thanks for starting this thread. I have a copy of The Last Diet that I bought during the early weeks of the first lockdown, so four years ago now, but haven't read much of it. I will dig it out.

I have been struggling with binge/compulsive overeating for about 45 years. I have managed to stop actual binges (my definition would be very large amounts of food) but still frequent compulsive eating, ie food I don't need, when I'm not hungry and feel out of control.
I won't talk about actual weight as I know that is triggering for many of us but I am obese, in my early 60s and my health is suffering.
I have noticed that when I'm not dieting or aiming for weight loss my eating improves a lot as my sense of control returns. I maintain my current weight give or take a few pounds. But as soon as I even try to 'cut down' a little, for health reasons more than appearance these days, that perceived restrictions sets me off out of control. As I said it's no longer very large amounts of food but it's certainly more than is healthy and it's enough to keep my weight too high. I'm so afraid for my health, I'm not young enough to get away with eating poorly nowadays!

So I have the huge dilemma that I need to lose weight to improve my BP and cholesterol but as soon as I even think about restricting, even tiny changes, my brain just seems to go on high alert and I lose control again. I feel as if my whole adult life has been impacted so negatively by this vicious cycle.

I also really like Kiana. She talks a lot about how to make change. You have to want it more than you don’t want it. Then you need motivation

When I say be kind to yourself there are other ways you can view yourself. For me, I love seeing the change in my skin from eating well. It’s . looking so much healthier, hydrated and glowing - it used to look dry, my make up would clog up and I always had dark eye bags. You can’t just use your weight as a driving focus as you will have up and down days on any journey so use other things. My knees hurt less recently. My hair looks shiny. I sleep better. These will keep you motivated to keep going too.

Agree with that you trivialise yourself when you are faced with a choice of food at times. Changing your actual life around will help too. Don’t sit on the sofa watching TV too often keep your hands busy, go for a walk - all the times you usually snack or binge, do something enlightening that perks up your mood in other ways.

A lot of us who are fat actually believe we deserve to be fat and fat = someone who isn’t worthy or valuable. We don’t value ourselves and see ourselves as weak or lesser so we do things to ourselves that are harmful, losing the belief over time that we deserve better. What you deserve is your health mentally and physically. Binging is destructive to both of those.

Yes this me also .
Any restrictions set me of
I'm calorie counting and my whole self seems determined to ruin it
I am obese to and need to desperately loose weight

Not good sadly
Approx 2500 calories..so annoying I am deliberately self sabotaging.
It started at age 49 ,so a year ago
I just about had food under control
Hit 49 and all control gone
Unless it's something else .I got confirmation of weight loss surgery at 49 as well ,and that seemed to make me eat even more .
I've since been told I've a 3 year wait for wls

Sorry to hear that @Springcat . Have you worked out your TDEE (how many calories you roughly need in a day)? How mobile are you?

I've been back on track the last few days. I'm not eating healthy food all the time, but most of the time, and am sticking to my calorie goal.

My calorie goal is not low at all; because I'm quite big (started approaching 22 stone, down to 19st rn), I can lose weight steadily eating over 2,000 calories.

Don't lose motivation because of a bad meal or day. That's what my routine has been for so long, and I've come to recognise it as a "cognitive distortion". And above all, it's an excuse really!

I think anyone who is overweight can relate to believing in their own perception about themselves. Self efficacy (the belief you can do something) is important though, and even if you attempt to "fake it until you make it" at first, to realise that your body and mind literally are capable of losing weight. I know that WL drugs and surgery are amazing tools, but if you don't have access to them, I sincerely believe you can still do it.

You must be very active then to loose weight on 2000 calories.i know you gave your weight..but I weigh more ,and I'm not loosing on 2000.
Although maybe I'm not sticking to it . depression is helping me eat more

Have you tried weight loss drinks ,meal replacement shakes ..I might consider trying those again

I saw something recently that was interesting it was about why we give up on things.

You are more likely to give up on something if you are predominantly focused on the long term goals and benefits. Because they take so long, you lose all your motivation. Those who ‘live in the moment’ end up enjoying the change a lot more and are more likely to stick with it because they are just in that moment of the benefit, not looking months/years ahead to the end goal and too busy doing that to enjoy what they have now.

Maybe meal replacements will be a good idea as they don't require much thought process which I find really helpful! I'm trying to eat mostly whole foods but it does become difficult if things are not planned or prepared, it's a bit of a danger zone.

Yes I'm 167cm and 19st, I don't do an awful lot of dedicated exercise but I walk EVERYWHERE and walk for pleasure, so I aim to walk 2 hours a day most days.

Absolutely, I completely agree!

I think it's part of that "wanting the process of change, and not just the change itself" type deal.

I think that's why tracking my habits is transpiring to be so much more effective at not only delivering results but also keeping me on track and motivated. It's a looong slog, we will have lots of bad days. My next step once I've finished The Last Diet and done all of the practical tasks, will be to listen to atomic habits.

Speaking of bad days though, I had one on Sunday, not in terms of my diet progress but my mindset. Had lost more weight and the scale was showing a lower weight than I had seen in a long time. I noted my feelings and first was disbelief, then happiness, but then lots of self doubt and negative feelings. So weird and annoying!

@Springcat Sorry I meant to say, I'm so sorry to hear you are depressed. I really hope you can take steps to feel better in time.

I think you are in the thick of it and need to start smaller (without going backwards on things you are finding success with).

Could you start by setting a target of something achievable and not directly related to weight loss? For example, to drink 2 - 2.5 litres of water every day, and track it? The good feelings you get from forming a new healthy habit is really helpful, and you still deserve self care and health even while you've not got where you want to be with your eating yet.

It sounds like you are really opening up to basically, feeling your feelings and acknowledging them. It’s ok and normal to feel self doubt or disappointment but the key is to question it and not just sit in it. I also have times where I feel that way but I give myself a reality check. Ok why am I feeling disappointed? Is it fair on myself? Usually it’s no 😂 of course it’s not fair on me. Why be an asshole to yourself?

I also always wanted the change but not accepting I had to experience the process, but accepting the process has been the best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. I have had to challenge and question myself so much I have learnt a lot about how I was indulging in my negative mindset as it was an uncomfortable, but familiar place to be.

It’s also true that even forming one new habit is very motivating and those good feelings last so much longer than the short lived feelings from certain foods that I used to turn to. I don’t think I believed this to be true for a long time though

Hey, sorry I didn't see this for some reason!

It sounds like you are really struggling and I have 100% been in that position of feeling like the tiniest attempts to restrict make me feel more out of control.

I feel like there is a lot to unpack there and it is perhaps different for everyone. I've come to find comfort in approaching weight loss holistically and seeing it as an act of self love and care of which I am worthy. Equally importantly is recognising the flip side of that - that "restricting" is not a damaging or moral behaviour. At the end of the day, your brain is used to you eating and lighting up those reward centres based on your current cues and routines. In order to change that, we need to look at our behaviours and habits at a granular level, and see what we can change, starting with the easier wins.

I think a lot of us women who have grown up or lived through the last few decades are so used to fat as a derogative term and as a moralised, negative state to be in, and have internalised this mind set. I do think taking guilt and negative emotions out of your behaviour is a really powerful first step to feeling in control of your behaviour.

Think of it this way; you are not struggling or feeling out of control because your brain can't cope with restriction, or because you are morally failing or have no willpower, or even really because you have low self esteem. You're doing it because it is what you have done. And our brains take the path of least resistance; habits are heavily ingrained and automatic.

Especially in the early days, it's so normal to have an almost immediate struggle with keeping on track. Especially the way that those of us familiar with trying to lose weight go about things. Because we're already so familiar with what needs to be done, we go all in from day 1.

If you do want support, keep posting as I think we can all help each other. I'd again start with trying to change one thing and make it a habit. Do you drink plenty of water? Do you drink lots of liquid calories? I've found those to be the easiest changes to make early on. You really can do this!

👋 I’ll join you if I may. I don’t have a diagnosed binge eating disorder but I definitely do it. I’m also weirdly good at restricting foods which I imagine probably go hand in hand somewhere (eg I went 180 days without a single grain of sugar once…etc)
I often say I am unable to moderate, but that’s not strictly true. I actually prefer myself when I’m super strict and I don’t really want one biscuit. To me, sugary food is synonymous with excess. I want the whole tub, the whole packet etc. so I can very often say no to sweet food because I don’t feel like having a huge portion of it or because there isn’t a huge portion available (eg out at a coffee shop or party where you would only really have a small amount)

yesterday my boss gave me a golden retriever chocolate dog for Easter (it’s caramel flavour white chocolate - 150g pure sugar really) and I ate the whole thing, then 2 creme eggs and a hot cross bun. And my dinner. My capacity for sugar is incredible, I actually think I don’t taste sweetness the way other people do because I can eat so much sugar!

what I find odd and is never really discussed is that ‘after binge’ feeling; along with the actual binge, I have a series of rituals and things I do after a binge that are all part of the whole thing for me (not purging, but sort of like ‘emotional purging’ ) The whole event is like a sort of ‘self soothing’ exercise for me. I have never sought professional help for this and most of the time feel like I have control of it, but it’s definitely still there.

I’m going to properly read back through the thread now.

@Vivrtrey @SilverDoe the response you got was so good I can’t even begin to try to add to it really!
I wish you good luck with whatever you do
I think diet culture has really made it hard for us to really know what path to take. I know when I restricted in the past, I have gone too far too quickly and set myself a completely unrealistic target expecting to wake up one day and suddenly change 79 habits I’ve had for 40 years. You can just change one, very slowly. Then add another when you feel ready. Like @SilverDoe said, you could spend a week just drinking more water. And go from there

Of course @thenewaveragebear1983 ! How are you doing so far?

@Menora aw thank you, I feel like we share a similar mindset to weight loss (though mine is fairly newfangled for me!). I hope you keep posting as your advice is so helpful which is exacly what I was hoping for with this thread.

@SilverDoe this is a really tough time of year isn’t it? To be honest this weekend has not been great. I’ve had a lot of chocolate, far more than I needed or wanted. I try to be cool about it, no guilt, but I’m not really.

how are you?