24 stone and absolutely lost and ashamed

[MoreThanChunkyDefoNotfunky]

Hi all,
I don't even know where to begin. My whole life as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with food.

Once I hit my teen years every weekend involved lots of alcohol. I got away with it until around 17 where I started to put on weight and went upto a size 16/18, I'm now a 28/30 and only 5 foot 3.

I was very ashamed and my mum tried to talk to me about it and instead of helping it has the opposite effect and I pushed her away and our relationship has been strained ever since.

I moved to a different country and actually haven't been home in about 10 years because I'm so ashamed of myself and my appearance. I barely leave the house these days due to negative comments from others and fear or judgement. I am absolutely ashamed of what I've done to myself.

I am a very good cook and I know what I need to do to lose weight but I have no self control. My portions are huge and I often eat nothing all day and then have a huge dinner. I crave bad food when I am sad and I am convinced I am actually addicted to crisps. I just have no self control when it comes to food.

I am in councilling already, have cut out fizzy drinks and a trying to cut down my portions but the weight is coming off so slowly and I feel like the only option is surgery which I simply cannot afford.

It also seems almost impossible to order any of the new weight loss drugs and I can't get them or the surgery through my GP as you have to go through group activities which I am unable to participate in due to my severe mental health/autism /social anxiety.

I just feel so lost and like I'm waiting to die. I think I have sleep apnea, I am in pain constantly, I am always breathless and I am basically a hermit and I just do not know where to start. Any help or advice where to start would be appreciated. I am only 33 and am on medication for my thyroid, blood pressure and am pre diabetes. I just don't know where to go from here.

Please don't be mean I am well aware how awful my situation is.

Ooh darling, I hear you. I am in recovery from binge eating and it was the hardest and is the hardest journey ever. Much harder than my recovery from alcoholism. A few things helped me Overeaters anonymous, they do zoom and face to face meetings, counselling and clear minds hypnotherapy. If you want to change you are in with a chance.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You sound very lost and I'll be hoping you manage to find support.

I don't know where you are, but if you're in a European country, there may be help available through your GP. Please start there by making an appointment to ask. Even if you're in a country where there isn't easy to get healthcare, I still encourage you to talk to your GP if you can. There may be free resources (like support groups or subsidized counselling/fitness) available. It may be helpful just to check in with someone.

From your post, it seems like you feel as though your problems are so major and so many that they're insurmountable, but you can divide them up into what I hope will turn out to be more manageable pieces.

It is possible to lose weight without expensive drugs and surgery. I gained a lot of weight at one point and I did it! Once you start having a little more success, you may find you feel more optimistic and successful. Also, not all of your problems are about weight. You have various problems. Yes, it will take a major effort to solve the weight problem, but maybe the other problems (the issues with your mother, the social isolation) will be easier to solve.

Why not start by calling your mother and apologizing to her? It's so hard to see people we love hurt themselves and she spoke out of concern.

The thing is, you need to be utterly ready to lose this weight before taking medication or getting surgery. Otherwise you'll gain it right back. I liked cooking too, but realized I'd need to find other hobbies if I wanted to keep the weight off. Now food is not a hobby and it's fine because there are other fun things to do. Could you join a craft class/group or learn a language or learn how to sew? Could you start an exercise programme?

You probably already know that diet is far more important for weight loss than exercise is, but the exercise will make you feel healthier and I bet it'll make you happier. Is there any way you could afford a personal trainer, even just for a few sessions, to help you figure out a programme? If you're not ready to exercise at a gym, you could do it at home or (preferably) find a group. This IS solvable. Good luck!

Wegovy and ozempic is in stock, on and off, in the UK. Join the ozempic threads in Mumsnet for info. I've had emails from quickmeds and superdrug recently saying they have it in stock.

That’s really interesting, I didn’t know that you can get this via a prescription. Did you just tell them that your weight if impacting your MH? Do you not have to be over a certain weight or something?

You can't rewrite the beginning of the story but you can change the ending, as they say.

I would join a slimming group or at least download an app where you log what you eat. That is the first step.
The second step is to treat yourself to a nice haircut/make up or something that makes you feel good about yourself. That will help motivate you. Motivation doesn't come naturally, but it soon grows with work and achievement.

See your Dr if you haven't already. They can rule out any other conditions etc.

Ensure that you take care of your mental health and receive treatment for it.

Imagine what your life could be like in two years time if you lose 10 stone.

It's so hard but motivation is a powerful thing and the enermy of a lack of willpower. It's not easy, but you need to find ways to lift your self esteem and then motivate yourself.

Best of luck.

Op I hear you. I'm an emotional eater. I've had times where I've sat crying while putting food into my face because I know I shouldn't be eating but I also need the fix. I used to smoke, it's a similar addiction, except you can't cold turkey not eat because you have to eat to live!

My husband was 26 stone. I was 19 stone. 3 months ago we joined slimming world. My husband has lost 3 stone in 3 months. Mine has been slower because I've had a few girls weekends where I've over indulged, but I've lost 18lb in that time. I'm fine losing slowly because I need to still enjoy life!
We've done slimming world before years ago, in fact I've tried it a few times, but I hated the meetings. This time I've been lucky enough to find an excellent group leader and I now look forward to going to group.
Ask around, try some local groups. No one there will bay an eyelid at your size as they've been there. The support you'll find there is brilliant.

The first couple of weeks I was frustrated as I was so strict and not losing weight. Turns out I wasn't eating enough! I never used to eat breakfast and always end up binging later in the day. I now have a protein yogurt with my coffee in the morning to kickstart my metabolism and suddenly it started falling off.

Throw all crisps/biscuits/snacks away. I can't have anything in the house that I can potentially binge on because I haven't got the self control not to eat it.

Give it a go. You'll get there op x

In addition to above, I know two people who had weight loss surgery. They both regret it. Both lost weight at the start very quickly, but surgery doesn't fix the addiction, so after the honeymoon period of losing a lot of weight quickly one of them started gaining after discovering she could have hot chocolate or Macdonalds milkshakes and get her 'buzz'. The calories caught up with her.
The other says that although the weight loss is great, it's ruined her social life she can no longer enjoy going out for meals.

Seriously, before doing something as drastic as surgery , give a slimming group a good go.

I agree so strongly with this lovely message. Please do not feel ashamed, OP. You are an emotional eater who uses food to help themselves feel better. This is a really common and understandable coping strategy. It says nothing bad about you as a person.

Yes, you want to try and work on this for your own health and happiness but your body really is the least important thing about you. It’s just we live in a messed up society! Your value as a person truly is unrelated to your size.

Practical things that I might suggest are:

1. Positive affirmations - remind yourself daily that you’re kind, you care about people, whatever it is that makes you especially you. I think shame and emotional eating are so intertwined and you need to believe in yourself and that you do have the power to change things and take the power away from food.

2. Meal planning and eating regular meals. The only meal I would ever skip is dinner. Eat a protein filled breakfast and lunch - even if you really don’t feel like it. It’s good for your metabolism and gets your body used to regular food. Plus, you deserve to eat regularly!

3. Weigh yourself regularly. Classes like Slimming world are good for accountability and also to have people who can cheer you on. It is harder alone.

Or explore the medical route others have suggested. There no right or wrong way to do it.

I really think you can do this, OP! I think even posting about it is a very good & brave step

Oh just a thought if you don't mind swearing this woman's podcast is brilliant. She has a free course as well. It might help with some of the food chatter https://www.nobsweightloss.com/blog/

Big hugs OP. Please remember that you are not your body. Your body is just your current 'coat'. You can change your coat. If this were me I would go to my GP (can you manage that?) and tell them everything you've told us in your first post.

Then I would try and change just one thing a week. It might be eg drinking more water the first week, or doing some gentle walking videos on YouTube, or eating more veg. As the weeks pass you add more and more things. Then one week you'll feel able to give up the crisps. It might be 3 weeks from now or it might be 6 months, but it doesn't matter. The time will pass anyway so you might as well be doing something!

This will help your mental health and that in turn will indirectly help your weight. Start a blog on here - we will all support you. You really can change things, just one small step at a time.

You have to have BMI of over 40, mine was almost 60, and one other disorder. I have high blood pressure and I'm asthmatic. My GP said by giving me help to lose weight my overall health would improve. She was right. My BMI now down to 46, I only need 1 blood pressure tablet instead of 2 and less asthma meds too. My MH has improved hugely and I'm no longer breathless when I walk so get more exercise now. Go and talk with your GP. Get help. If my GP can prescribe for me yours should be able to prescribe for you.

Ozempic takes away a lot of appetite. I just eat small portions now. Probably about 1/3 of what I ate before.

I know exactly what you mean. I too was hesitant to visit family back home when I was in this situation, I felt so ashamed. My mum says looking back, she wouldn't have been so disparaging about surgery if she realised how much she would see of me afterwards. I had the sleeve on the Monday and was back at work the following Sunday. I didn't bother with any of the psychological stuff, I was well aware of the issue and knew what I needed. That was 2018, I am sitting in Carluccios right now having a starter as a main course in size 8 Massimo Dutti trousers. I can't tell you what a difference the surgery has made to every aspect of my life. I went to Irmet in Turkey, it was amazing, v clean and organised. I would tell anyone in this situation to consider surgery seriously, on MN they always want to find the most prolonged form if anything so as not to bother the NHS. Just ignore it, it's your body. I hope you find your own solution x

If you can, try and get weight loss surgery. It changed my life. At my highest weight I was 21.5 stone, now I'm 11 stone 13lbs - size 24/26 to currently a small 12.

Don't listen to the bullshit about it ruining your social life, I'm more social now than I've ever been, it just doesn't constantly revolve around food!

You can do Slimming World virtually now. I go to meetings as I find it keeps me honest but you could start with the app then go to meetings down the line when you feel more confident. I'm a huge snacker so not buying it in the first place definitely helps.
Good luck.

OP I am so sorry it sounds like you are feeling so down about this.

I am in a similar position to you in a lot of ways, mainly that I often felt hopeless and out of control of my own actions which tbh is the worst of all the feelings, but I think a lot of people who have struggled with their weight for a long time can relate - like, it's the thing we want most in the world yet we cannot seem to get it together and make it happen.

I wish I could say one single thing helped, but I'm starting to see that it probably takes an amalgamation of all of the information we have taken in over the years about dieting to find that right circumstance that kicks it all off.

I know that you are here for support and solidarity so I don't want to throw a load of advice at you, but I did want to say that as a fellow woman who has been obese since childhood (earliest weight I ever remember at around 12 years old was over 14 stone), I do feel like there is plenty of hope.

First of all I agree with everyone else saying you are worthy and valued regardless of your weight.

Being ashamed of yourself won't help anything. At the end of the day, humans are habitual creatures with a huge natural drive to seek satiety. Modern food has been scientifically designed to be extremely palatable and quick and easy to consume. Our body and brain's mechanisms around eating, hunger and fullness cues are then thrown massively out of whack by these blood sugar spiking foods, leaving us ever hungrier and craving ever more carbohydrates.

What I'm trying to say is, try and take the emotion out of the situation a bit. You are not obese because you are weak, or lack discipline, or are a shameful human being. You are living in a world that is literally designed to make you buy and eat as much food as possible, and some people through genetics or learned behaviours and habits are more susceptible to becoming overweight.

It feels absolutely impossible to cut these foods out at first, but changing your food environment and abstaining for at least a short while would really help get those cravings under control.

Don't do what I did and overlook the basic principles of weight loss because I thought the advice was too simple/obvious and I must need more help. Eat more fruit and vegetables that you like and get plenty of lean protein. Don't eat to little and accept that the first few weeks will not be an overnight change into eating well. You do not need to be perfect to lose weight, you just need to be reasonably consistent.

A couple of YouTubers really helped me see my weight issue without the veil of moralisation I had attached to it and myself. Kiana Docherty is one, particularly her videos which talk about the psychology and stages of change. Another one is Andrew Huberman, who does many in depth podcasts, one of which explained in detail all of the hormonal and neurobiological mechanisms of hunger and fullness.

The most important thing to have is self belief and to really get it into your head that no matter what you feel right now, you absolutely, 100% ARE capable of losing weight. You just need to give yourself the right tools to do so.

Best of luck and please do join in on the ongoing weight loss threads, I have found the support and community invaluable!

Oh and yes absolutely do consider any tools available to you, weight loss surgery and medication included if you think you need it!