Whyyyyy is it so impossible to 'start'?

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

OK here comes an essay of despair really, anyone who can be arsed to read and reply I'd be most grateful.

I left my 'good' swimming costume at work over the weekend, so had to take DD swimming on Sunday in an old one (that doesn't cover up as much). The sight of myself in the mirror really shook me, my back especially (rolls and folds under my shoulder blades 😔).

I have been very overweight for ages now, started with some serious comfort eating when my mother died in 2018 and I just never got it back under control.

I'm around 14 stone, can't believe I'm here, I remember when I was young being quietly amazed that anyone could go over 11stone without have a huge reality check and 'sorting it out'.

I'm 38 with two young kids. My back hurts. One of my knees over the last week is fucking killing me. I can't run. It hurts getting down on the carpet to play. I keep raising my voice at my eldest as she jumps on me unexpectedly and it HURTS.

And I look awful naked, which most of the time I really struggle to care about but every now and then it just hits me how much my naked body has changed for the worse vs my partner's, who is the same age as me and looks almost exactly like he did when we got together 15+ years ago. I look like an old woman. I know he'd like us to have more/more exciting sex, but I'm so turned off by my own body I find it very difficult to get into it for myself. God love him he doesn't seem repulsed or judgmental of my body, but I know it frustrates him that I want to lose weight but can't seem to find the will. He's a very straightforward, goal orientated person and just doesn't understand why it isn't as simple as "make the plan - execute the plan - achieve the target."

Basically I have EVERY motivation to do something about this. I'm not stupid, I know about nutrition, I love good food and can cook and do for my family. But I binge eat junk all day at work. I just can't seem to stop myself. I find myself in the shop buying more while my mind is screaming at me not to. Every time it's "just one more time". It's an addiction, and I am too weak to control it.

I was supposed to be going out with colleagues for lunch today so had to take my purse with me (I try not to bring it out with me, as I live very close to work so can grab it quickly if genuinely needed, but if I have it I WILL spend money on junk). So now I have no lunch plans, no packed lunch and a bank card - recipe for total disaster.

I am so TIRED of food being always on my mind. Leave the house in the morning ("do I have time to pop to the shop before work and buy some [whatever crap snack is currently obsessing me]?"). Dismiss that urge. Get to work and think about food really regularly, constantly fighting the urge to just pop out and buy [whatever]." Lunchtime is almost here and I need to go and buy something, but have zero faith that I won't just buy a bunch of shite on the side of a 'normal' sandwich, salad or soup. It's like I don't have a say, even though my rational mind knows I'm the ONLY one who does.

The only successes I've ever had with diets have been extreme ones - Dukan and 5:2 - where you can't eat like a normal person at all, and where if you stray the diet is "ruined" so you have to be incredibly rigid. This is totally incompatible with family life. I don't want my girls to see me skipping meals, having the physical side effects of an extreme diet like Dukan, saying no to certain food groups etc. I want them to see what they do see, which is mum eating normal-sized portions of normal family meals with no drama.

However I'm aware that they don't see, but obviously do see the effects of, is mum eating 5 packs of donuts in 10 minutes while sat in her office, or mum hiding 200g bars of chocolate in her laptop case because she doesn't want to have to share them or own up to having eaten them. This weird disconnect between how they see me eating and how they see my body shape changing, not to mention the fact I am concealing and frequently distracted by when I can next binge eat... I am aware that quite apart from the physical limitations my weight puts on my mothering, I am sending some very strange messages that will be doing them subconscious harm.

WHY can I not find the self control to just eat like a normal person? What am I getting from these binges that I can't seem to get anywhere else in my life? How, please please tell me how, do I just STOP?

I resisted going to a slimming group for years. Tried them before didnt really work. Tried again. And lost a good bit of weight.,its worth considering. Ask yourself do I want to be overweight for the rest of my life. No. Then changes need to be made.

I resisted going to a slimming group too, they weren't for people like me....then I did actually go to SlimmingWorld. I lost the weight, found it very easy to stick to, and have kept the weight off. I was actually obese or overweight for about twenty years and am someone who loves food and could happily eat all day long.

I like to snack, so I think why SW worked for me is that I can still eat crisps or bars or ice-creams, just that now I know which ones I can eat without putting weight back on. Example instead of eating a huge pack of crisps I will have a bag of French Fries (78 cals) or Pop Chips, instead of a big bar of chocolate I will have a Freddo or a Skinny Crunch bar.
I don't feel deprived because I'm actually eating more food than I was before.

Oh and I would try not to think that "normal people " don't binge or overeat because they do, more than half the country is overweight!
Don't punish yourself, we're constantly surrounded by food, and it's not like cigarettes or alcohol when you can actually go cold turkey, you still have to eat.

Do you meal plan? I found that writing a week's worth of menus worked for me, I did include snacks too, and very rarely wavered from it. I'm a bit more flexible now that I'm the weight I want to be, if I've been out socialising or away on holiday I loosen up but try not to pig out too much, then I'm straight back on plan.

First OP I just have to say I love your honest post and can relate to so much of it.
I'm a chronic binge eater but have managed to stay slimmish most of my life due to strict control, except when I got to 20 stone after my dad died as I just wanted to be able to eat what I wanted and have the comfort of food. So my natural eating habits = 20 stone.
The only way I could get it off was meal replacement and staying absolutely strict. I lost 9 stone in 9 months and have kept it off with healthy eating.
My secret is.. I let myself have a binge every couple of weeks. I let the monster out so it doesn't burst out uncontrolled. Because I will ALWAYS be a binge eater.. once that has been triggered in the brain it never leaves a person. It works for me and I don't gain weight.

Another vote for a slimming group. Honestly I lost three stone on WW, kept it off for two years then decided I didn’t need to ho anymore and promptly put five stone back on. Tried so many times to get back on it by myself using the old books, but never managed it. Went back to the group and am currently two and a half stone down and losing at a steady 1lb a week. I don’t know why attending the group makes such a difference. But it does. I won’t stop attending when I reach goal this time.

Hey OP, do you have a sense if the craving is a psychological need for comfort? Or a physical need for more food due to being hungry/crashing from previously eating sugar?
Noom is quite good for the psychological part I think (I learned a lot from it anyway) but it does cost-not sure how it compares to sw/ww cost wise.
If it’s a physical hunger/crash then trying to stabilise on food that keep you fuller for longer and the intense craving reduces. I have an awful time craving sugar and have felt totally undone by it.. but I know if I can hold firm for two weeks that loud demanding voice telling me ‘I NEED it’ reduces to a whisper. You’re not alone x

OP you need to stop dieting and bingeing and learn to eat normally again. I liked the book "How to have your cake and your skinny jeans too" by Josie Spinardi (hate the title but it gets the point across I guess) for getting me out of the dieting/bingeing mentality and making me feel sane around food. You can get a second hand copy on eBay for about £2. I feel free from food obsession now and can have anything in the house, in fact the more we have in of chocolate/snacks/junk etc the less I find I actually want them as they are "allowed" now and will still be there later/tomorrow/whenever.

While I haven't lost loads of weight/sizes (I never weigh any more, used to do it daily and the number would determine whether it was a good day or a bad day, madness!) I've stabilised at a size 12 and 5ft 9 which I'm ok with and being able to actually enjoy food, have whatever I want (what you want and the amount changes when you change your mentality, that's the point), eat and have drinks out spontaneously without counting points or calories or whatever bollocks is really worth it.

Don't start another diet, you'll make yourself miserable starving, lose some weight and put it all back on again and more, they don't work, if they did the industry would have collapsed.

It's an addiction, and I am too weak to control it

This abdication of responsibility isn't helping, but there are reasons, hormonal ones, that keep you addicted, which keeps you overweight, which keeps you feeling helpless, which keeps you addicted, and so on.

Knowing it's bad for you doesn't always help, and just like almost all of us would cave in and drink sea water if we were dying of thirst, you're basically trying to overcome a response that's evolved over millions of years, by trying to say 'No thank you!' whilst not understanding how to dull your cravings and give yourself a hand.

Take control of this by learning, rather than by 'trying'. Slim people aren't spending every minute of every day exercising 'doughnut avoidance techniques'. They eat in a way that allows them to forget about food sometimes. Learn how to do it, rather than continuing to eat as you are and despairing/feeling out of control. This is a whole human body you have, all to yourself, to look after. Learn about it. Learn about insulin and glucagon, learn about how calories actually work/don't work. learn about exercise and what it actually does for your body. Make yourself into your own project.

What are you eating, OP?

I'd be willing to bet money that you are eating a lot of wheat-based products, breads, carbs and processed foods.

This is where you are going wrong. It's not about how much you eat, it's about what you eat.

Stop worrying about calories and amounts. Instead, limit yourself to real food. So no crisps or biscuits (unless you make them yourself which is fine!), chocolate - yes but only 70%+ good quality dark chocolate. And never, ever buy any low fat products (including low fat yoghurt, semi skimmed milk etc - buy whole foods only).

Don't buy cereal or cereal bars. Eat a proper breakfast, ideally savoury to avoid a glucose spike in the morning (eating anything sweet in the morning will make you more hungry later). Try not to have any sugar at all at breakfast time - not even fruit/ honey etc. Have things like eggs, avocado, nut butter on toast, veggies, etc.

Eat properly and fill yourself up, especially at meal times, and don't allow yourself to feel guilty about giving your body what it really needs, which is nourishment!

If you start doing this, your urges to binge and snack will reduce massively.

Read a book called "Why we eat (too much)" and learn about UPF's (Ultra-processed foods).

I guarantee that the reason you can't get started and are addicted to snacking/ constantly thinking about food, is because your body does not feel satisfied by what you are eating. Solve that and you will be sorted.

I could have written this a few years ago. I have binge eating disorder but it’s under control now after therapy. You need therapy. You have an addiction and only addressing the cause of it will help. I would put money on it that you’re seeking comfort in food and you need to understand why and then you’ll be able to find alternative strategies.

please please please don’t go to a slimming club or going on another diet. That will work - but only once you’ve addressed the underlying cause of your bingeing.

If you want to chat more feel free to PM me.

@ZoraMipha

Why is it ok to eat home made hobnobs rather than the ones from the shop? I'm just looking at the ones I made this morning, and your post makes it sound like I can just eat them all because I made them myself!

Hi OP, you sound like me. I haven't cracked the weight thing, but I used to do exactly as you describe. So, a few suggestions. First off, what's going on with work? Are you bored, frustrated, tired, stressed, uber busy? The binging is a way of regulating yourself (chewing is very soothing to your nervous system, as is feeling very full, add in a boring/stressful/ whatever job and a 'treat' mentality develops over lunch choices). Can you meet that need for emotional regulation another way that's not food? I used to go for a walk or find the nearest green spot and listen to an online meditation, which allowed me the space to tune into my feelings and feel them.
Breakfast - have a luscious, delicious breakfast of whatever you love which doesn't leave you starving at 11am.
Lunch - ditto lunch. Stop yourself choosing these meals based on what's 'healthy', as that usually means tiny portions of stuff you don't like. (And hence later feel the need for 'a' treat, which becomes 10 doughnuts...)
Also consider non-food treats - make up, a gym class, a facial or treatment booked for lunchtime - give yourself some nurturing.

Also, Zoramipha's suggestion of nut butter on toast for breakfast will enhance your cravings. Bread is carb, and carb is sugar, basically. Sugar for breakfast will set you up to crave all day.

It's because the ones you buy from the shop are addictive and they are much, much worse for your body, and do not satisfy you.

If you ate your whole tray of home baked hobnobs, of course, that would be a lot of calories and isn't ideal. But, you probably won't be very hungry later on because they will be pretty damn filling. I can also guarantee that you're not going to bake yourself a whole tray of hobnobs every day for a month and eat them all.

Someone who binges/ has food addiction will go to the shop and buy a pack of hobnobs every day and eat them, every day. But if you limit yourself to only allow what you make yourself, you simply wouldn't do that. You wouldn't want to put the effort in on the one hand, but you also would not crave it as much as the packet ones, because the home made version is not as addictive.

If this confuses you, I recommend learning about Ultra-processed foods and the book "Why we eat (too much)".

I wouldn't have nut butter on toast every day, just to clarify, but I would have it as an option for a treat e.g. on a weekend. I would use fresh sourdough bread and real butter.

It is much better than things like processed cereal and a step in the right direction.

The protein/ fat of the nut butter somewhat balances out the carbs and it does not spike blood glucose too badly compared to a lot of sugary breakfasts.

Someone who binges and has food addiction issues is highly likely to eat a whole batch of biscuits they've just baked, and have a crash an hour or two later when their insulin spike dips, and then eat more trash to try to fill the gap. They also may well bake more biscuits/cakes/flapjacks etc on a regular basis, especially if someone has advised them that 'no crisps or biscuits (unless you make them yourself which is fine!)' It's not fine at all. They may have less additives in them if you make them yourself, and of course, that's a good thing. But they're no less addictive, no less sugary, and no different in terms of fuelling a sugar addiction, or feeding us at the 'bliss point'. It's arguable that home made fare is more delicious and tempting.

Careful of shonky advice, OP. A little education is a dangerous thing.

i'm in the same boat . joined one2one as i don't think i can lose weight alone without support from coach and slimming group

maybe consider joining some weigh loss group where you can be emotionally supported and motivated?

@Watchkeys Have you ever struggled with binge eating? I have. I used to struggle in many of the same ways as OP. I have lost 5 stone and kept it off for over 5 years, and am fit and strong and healthy.

I understand food addiction and what it is like to be addicted to processed foods, as OP is.

Sometimes, you have to stop feeling the guilt in order to get past these addictions, and you have to find a way to allow yourself a stepping stone to a more healthy way of life.

Do I bake myself a tray of biscuits and eat the lot? No, of course not. But when you are recovering from years of processed food addiction, it takes time, and you have to work with your body where it's at. You do what it takes to stop yourself reaching for that pack of processed addictive shit. If that means that you make yourself a home baked treat then that's fine.

You might binge a couple of times. But, once your body gets used to the real food that it needs, you will stop craving these binge sessions, because your body will be satisfied. You will get to a stage where you simply won't want it like you do now.

You are obviously subsidising this with a proper diet of whole foods - not eating ready meals or any processed rubbish at mealtimes. You fill yourself up with real food.

You can call it "shonky advice" if you want but I know that this works, because I have been through it, and my body and cravings have changed as a result.

I certainly used to go to the shop and buy a pack of biscuits which I'd work my way through. Now that I make all of my own food from scratch, I have not had a remote urge to binge for years, on anything at all.

I agree with @ZoraMipha, real food made from scratch is the way forward. If you aim for your food to be nutritious (rather than having low calorie as your priority) then you will start to naturally eat food that will keep you satisfied and fuller for longer and you won't have sugar crashes.

I believe that the whole food / no UPF route is the right one to go down. And should be EASY for me because, as I say, as a family we eat great. Maybe a bit more pasta and bread than would be ideal, but cook from scratch, make sourdough, meal plan, lots of veg, two meat dinners, two fish dinners and three veg dinners a week, don't eat cereal for breakfast. It's really important to me that my kids eat well, and that we all eat together. So I have a great framework. It's what happens around the edges when no-one's watching.

I also believe if I could just get a week or two clear I would be able to stop it with the garbage snacks. I've had all sorts of crazy ideas, like cutting up my bank card so I can't buy crap, or moving my work station so I'm always next to a colleague instead of in the office on my own. I should actually do these things.

The crazy thing is, when I was much slimmer I always thought maintaining weight was hard. But now I know how much I can actually eat without weight just piling on (it's taken almost 5 years of eating this way to get me to this bad place) I don't know how I ever struggled when I was eating normally. I mean most days I probably eat about 2000 calories over my normal meals just in junk. Sometimes much more.

I do think people talking about 'snacking' just don't know what I'm talking about to be honest, although the advice is appreciated. This isn't snacking. It's bingeing. It's not 'ooh I ate a few too many biscuits'. It's 'I bought a whole packet of biscuits, a 6 pack of crisps and a family size bar of chocolate and ate them in under an hour'. Most days. Honestly this isn't something I can fix with Weight Watchers. It's a compulsion.

I know what I have to do. The problem is every day I intend to change, and then every day I don't.

I honestly think binge-eating is alcoholism for women in a way. Men become drinkers, but women can't do that because their family/children depend on them to be capable, present, reliable. Overeating is something you can do to comfort yourself that (theoretically) hurts no-one but yourself. And like someone above said, you can't go cold turkey on food. It's such a bloody bind.

Thank you all for your advice, especially the people who do understand about addiction/bingeing. I just wish I could get to grips with this.

I think @herewegoroundthebastardbush you need to get some outside support with this, it is an addiction and it’s really hard to tackle alone. Just going on a diet is the same as telling an alcoholic or drug addict to just stop drinking/ taking drugs. I kind of get it as I’m the opposite, addicted to restricting food but I get the feeling of always thinking of food. This is terrible advice so feel free to ignore but I get over my cravings for sweet things/ having something to put in my mouth by vaping.

i know it's terrible but i cut hunger by vaping too
it does help but obviously OP will risk health complications X

Ah ok, from your update i can see that my advice won't get you where you need to be. I agree that maybe you do need some outside support. Recognising the problem is such an important step though, so you are part way there already. 💐

I was where you are but I've cleaned up my diet then two/three weeks later I suddenly felt really low was going to cave in but had a chiro appointment and mentioned it to him and he advised me its the bad bacteria that crave sugar dying off and it makes you feel low so you have it again. Basically you need to get back to having a healthy microbiome in your gut again.

I pushed through that day and now I never crave refined sugar or wanting to eat processed food (i.e. junk). Its now only reserved to when I have eat out for a meal with friends which is rare.

Really looking into studies about microbiome and how having a healthy gut and good bacteria is important. I no longer emotionally eat or binge eat cos I simply don't have those cravings. My weight is now literally falling off me (better food and x3 gym per week).

I could have written your post op. Same age, nearly same weight. I'm working my way down from my biggest. Currently 13.5 stone. I too was a binge eater (as mentioned above i was capable of binging on my own home cooking) I've slowly found that the association between binging and feeling sick/regretful afterwards is being formed as I get older. My binging has become lighter/healthier as a result. I'm only willing to break my healthy eating with something worth while.

My oh keeps going away for work and this is a real trigger. Normally I would buy a massive Chinese and live on it for two/three days but last trip, I felt full and bloated and didn't really enjoy it.

Oh has just left again this morning and I've decided to get a takeaway but something that fits with my plan. (I keto so Indian food can be adapted) I get the benefit of a treat and felling full without completely falling off the wagon.

I was desperate to lose weight a few years ago and ended up doing full day water fasts. I have to say it was a real revelation. Not having to make any decisions about food, no hard choices, could focus on other things. I did this once a week and enjoyed it massively by the end (after the wedding in this case) it has had a lasting impression in that its easier not to eat if im not hungary.