Whyyyyy is it so impossible to 'start'?

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

OK here comes an essay of despair really, anyone who can be arsed to read and reply I'd be most grateful.

I left my 'good' swimming costume at work over the weekend, so had to take DD swimming on Sunday in an old one (that doesn't cover up as much). The sight of myself in the mirror really shook me, my back especially (rolls and folds under my shoulder blades 😔).

I have been very overweight for ages now, started with some serious comfort eating when my mother died in 2018 and I just never got it back under control.

I'm around 14 stone, can't believe I'm here, I remember when I was young being quietly amazed that anyone could go over 11stone without have a huge reality check and 'sorting it out'.

I'm 38 with two young kids. My back hurts. One of my knees over the last week is fucking killing me. I can't run. It hurts getting down on the carpet to play. I keep raising my voice at my eldest as she jumps on me unexpectedly and it HURTS.

And I look awful naked, which most of the time I really struggle to care about but every now and then it just hits me how much my naked body has changed for the worse vs my partner's, who is the same age as me and looks almost exactly like he did when we got together 15+ years ago. I look like an old woman. I know he'd like us to have more/more exciting sex, but I'm so turned off by my own body I find it very difficult to get into it for myself. God love him he doesn't seem repulsed or judgmental of my body, but I know it frustrates him that I want to lose weight but can't seem to find the will. He's a very straightforward, goal orientated person and just doesn't understand why it isn't as simple as "make the plan - execute the plan - achieve the target."

Basically I have EVERY motivation to do something about this. I'm not stupid, I know about nutrition, I love good food and can cook and do for my family. But I binge eat junk all day at work. I just can't seem to stop myself. I find myself in the shop buying more while my mind is screaming at me not to. Every time it's "just one more time". It's an addiction, and I am too weak to control it.

I was supposed to be going out with colleagues for lunch today so had to take my purse with me (I try not to bring it out with me, as I live very close to work so can grab it quickly if genuinely needed, but if I have it I WILL spend money on junk). So now I have no lunch plans, no packed lunch and a bank card - recipe for total disaster.

I am so TIRED of food being always on my mind. Leave the house in the morning ("do I have time to pop to the shop before work and buy some [whatever crap snack is currently obsessing me]?"). Dismiss that urge. Get to work and think about food really regularly, constantly fighting the urge to just pop out and buy [whatever]." Lunchtime is almost here and I need to go and buy something, but have zero faith that I won't just buy a bunch of shite on the side of a 'normal' sandwich, salad or soup. It's like I don't have a say, even though my rational mind knows I'm the ONLY one who does.

The only successes I've ever had with diets have been extreme ones - Dukan and 5:2 - where you can't eat like a normal person at all, and where if you stray the diet is "ruined" so you have to be incredibly rigid. This is totally incompatible with family life. I don't want my girls to see me skipping meals, having the physical side effects of an extreme diet like Dukan, saying no to certain food groups etc. I want them to see what they do see, which is mum eating normal-sized portions of normal family meals with no drama.

However I'm aware that they don't see, but obviously do see the effects of, is mum eating 5 packs of donuts in 10 minutes while sat in her office, or mum hiding 200g bars of chocolate in her laptop case because she doesn't want to have to share them or own up to having eaten them. This weird disconnect between how they see me eating and how they see my body shape changing, not to mention the fact I am concealing and frequently distracted by when I can next binge eat... I am aware that quite apart from the physical limitations my weight puts on my mothering, I am sending some very strange messages that will be doing them subconscious harm.

WHY can I not find the self control to just eat like a normal person? What am I getting from these binges that I can't seem to get anywhere else in my life? How, please please tell me how, do I just STOP?

Not everyone agrees about the way to tackle binging/ food addiction but personally for me Brain over Binge made perfect sense and has really really helped. It was a few months of going back and forward but I consider myself cured now, as I don’t think I am being controlled by the food thoughts anymore. I hope you find the right treatment for you x

I’m seconding brain over binge - brilliant book

OP I just read your update and I second the advice to get some outside help, if you can.

I stand by what I said about whole foods and good nutrition, and trying to reduce the guilt around food. But I think considering the place you are at right now, you do need some extra support.

Have you been to the GP or spoken to a counsellor/ therapist at all? I really think that might be the best place for you to start right now. Fixing this doesn't happen overnight and you need to work with where you're at right now. Try reaching out for some help.

I agree in principal about avoiding low-fat (and low-sugar) products, but not foods. I don't understand what's wrong with semi-skimmed milk. Would you mind explaining? I eat semi-skimmed milk as an easy way to cut out a few calories as compared with whole milk, and because I don't have a taste for the creaminess of whole milk. Same with 0% fat strained yoghurt – I eat it as a protein snack without taking on too many calories.

The point the poster is making is that by having semi skimmed milk, a lot of the natural good fats are taken out hence the calorie reduction but those natural good fats keep you feeling fuller for longer so you don't need to snack, therefore its better to have whole milk instead.

I used to think like this too, but I switched on the advice of a nutritionist. I was scepical like you and it felt wrong at first. But I have found, surprisingly, I feel much better drinking whole milk and full fat yoghurt. Again, I think it's to do with feeling properly satisfied and full and it reduces cravings to snack and binge elsewhere. There is just no point in eating 0% fat yoghurt really, you might as well either not eat or eat something that is filling!

Like I said though, this has taken years of adjusting the way I think about food and the result is I have lost a lot of weight, and feel 100% better.

From Healthline:

"Many people avoid drinking whole milk because they assume the extra fat and calories will cause them to gain weight. However, many studies have shown that consuming high fat dairy products may actually help support weight management instead.

In studies that look at only high fat dairy products, like whole milk, there is a pretty consistent connection between full fat dairy and lower body weight, suggesting that whole milk can be a great addition to a well-rounded, nutrient-dense diet and may help you maintain a moderate weight"

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/whole-vs-skim-milk#TOC_TITLE_HDR_5

There are good fats and bad fats. You just need to need the right type. Just like having food with natural sugars is okay but having food with lots of refined sugar isn't. So its not a case you can never have fat or sugar, but just the right one.

Honestly, I am in recovery from binge eating disorder and you really need outside help. It's not a weight loss issue, it's not a laziness issue, it's not something that will get better if you just try harder. And so many ways of "losing weight" will actually trigger your disorder and make it worse.

I used to tell myself I couldn't have an eating disorder because I was fat, because I was lazy, that people would laugh at me.

I used to drive past six petrol stations on the way to work and buy a Swiss roll at everyone and hold them like a burrito and eat them in the car. I sometimes used to hold out and drive past a petrol station just to do a U-turn at the next roundabout and go back.

I was ILL.

@uhOhOP Just to add, I'm also really interested in what you said...

"I eat it as a protein snack without taking on too many calories"

I understand your thinking, but my question would be, why do we eat, other than to take on calories?

Calories are energy, and what your body needs. Protein is not some magical calorie-free energy source - it's also calories.

If you eat low fat yoghurt it's like you want to eat but not eat - why? Surely just eat the food or don't eat the food, why do you need this strange in between?

There is nothing wrong with fat (assuming you have no heart conditions etc), and this is where I have completely shifted my mindset away from calorie counting and towards nourishment. I maintain that this is what supported my weight loss and stopped my bingeing.

The diet industry has a lot to answer for - we really don't need semi skimmed milk or low fat yoghurt or any other low fat products. Just eat, or don't eat, you don't need an in between.

I know not everyone will agree with me and some will think what I'm saying is controversial, but I'm just sharing what I've learned and what has truly worked for me after a lifetime of miserable weight and food issues.

Thank you!

Agree with PP, it's your relationship with food that's the problem. I'd consider some counselling/support/therapy/whatever to see if you can sort the underlying problem.

Thank you for this. Maybe I will buy whole milk next time :)

My best weight control comes when I am really organised and I actually eat a lot but of the right food before I'm either hungry or it's the usual time when I'd eat the wrong stuff (elevenses are my downfall, I wish I could eat toast/ bagels but always put on weight when I do).
That way I'm full and less tempted. I also try to keep leftovers from healthy dinners for lunch so I'm eating a hot filling meal.

I did Slimming World a few years ago, hated the meetings but do stick to the principles so I eat a lot of fruit, treat myself to expensive/ out of season fruit

I can't say I know which camp is right when it comes to calories, whether how many we consume has an effect on our weight management or not, neither do I know whether we need 0.8g per kilo of bodyweight in protein every day or if 60g is enough for most of the population.

But I suppose it's just that I've made my own choices – because if we don't make our own choices I think we will be susceptible to whatever ways of eating people are trying to push and we can get caught in the middle and not even know how to eat – and my choices are to limit my calorie intake every day and to aim to consume a fair bit of protein for satiety. 0% fat yoghurt might be the wrong choice, but I feel it currently works for me. I did go through a phase of eating whole milk because of the fat, so maybe I will do the same with yoghurt at some point.

When I eat, I am trying to balance feeling satisfied and feeling no restrictions in my diet and the number of calories, along with the amounts of protein, fibre and calcium I consume every day, which are the things I wanted to prioritise at the moment. Choosing 0% fat yoghurt fits in with this.

Yoghurt is what we are talking about here, but I suppose it's the same with nuts, for example – I don't eat nuts every day, again because of the balance between calories and volume. The 20g of almonds I ate this morning might be why I'm not particularly hungry yet, but when I was eating them I certainly wasn't feeling satisfied. So maybe it was a good choice in terms of hunger and nutrition, but the equally important flip side for me is volume and putting food into my mouth.

And I suppose it might be worth saying that I don't eat sweetener or any adulterated food-like products, so I don't get volume in that way, with low-calorie diet products.

@ZoraMipha

Yes, I understand binge eating from a first person perspective, which is why I said that 'You can eat biscuits as long as you made them yourself' was shonky advice.

I understand what you've explained, but it's not what you said to start with, and your brevity was what made your advice shonky. I could tell you that as long as your car has petrol in it, it will go when you drive it. It's true, but it's possibly dangerous, because the car may also have a deadly fuel leak, or a flat tyre. If you miss out a big chunk of context, advice becomes meaningless at best, and dangerous at worst.

You can call it "shonky advice" if you want but I know that this works, because I have been through it, and my body and cravings have changed as a result

Not everybody is you, and that assumption makes your advice shonky too. I have been through the same start and end points as you, but a different process worked for me, and doing it your way wouldn't have got me anywhere. You found what works for you. If there are any studies showing that making your own biscuits means you are less hooked on biscuits, please post them. Otherwise you're going to have to accept that only eating biscuits you've made yourself, for some people, results in just as many, or more biscuits being eaten. And how do I know that? Because that's my experience.

@Watchkeys I mean, no one can give 100% of the context on an online forum. It would take weeks to write out my entire experience with this stuff. That's why I have also recommended that OP read up on UPF's, get outside help/ counselling, and have added the disclaimer that this is my experience/ what worked for me.

I think you are nitpicking a bit to be honest and I think it is highly unlikely that in the context of a thread about health and weight loss, OP would have taken my advice to mean that it is healthy to eat unlimited amounts of baked goods. Give her some credit please. My point is that if you want to have baked goods, making your own is infinitely better than buying packets of process wheat, and you are less likely to binge if you do so, and I think that came across just fine.

I'm really enjoying the word 'shonky' though :)

@ZoraMipha

a) I'm nitpicking because OP is struggling for understanding and a little context helped make your point much clearer. It's allowed.

b) The world would be a better place if we all said 'shonky' a bit more regularly

See you really get it. It's his kind of behaviour that is so outside the realm of normal overeating but I am nodding along and saying "exactly".

And this isn't new either. What you said about petrol stations reminded me how, when I was in secondary school, I used to get the school bus a stop further so I could go to the nearby petrol station and buy a big box of chocolates with my leftover lunch money. I then had to walk back home in the dark, which made me scared. But I'd do it anyway. I've had spells in my life where this has happened more, but my relationship with food has often been extreme and dysfunctional. Interestingly the times in my life I remember NOT being controlled by food is when I've been living alone, at university or whatever. Which is what makes me think the secret eating is part of what makes me dysfunctional. What a PP said about when her partner goes away being a trigger really resonated.

ugh. I know people say "seek outside help" but what help is there for this? GP is a nightmare to see these days, I can't even get appt to review the meds I'm already on most of the time. I had a counsellor but she just wanted to talk about the "underlying issues" and for me to practice self acceptance and not be so hard on myself about the binge eating. Which I see the point of but it's not very helpful. I'm highly self aware and reflective, I know why I have issues, but I don't know why it has to be food I use to self medicate, and I don't know how to stop doing it - that's what I really need, not to monologue about my trauma while someone head tilts at me.

Not to be glib but well obviously. And I think I have a good idea what the underlying problem is too. But the knowledge doesnt stop the problem, or the behaviour. Not for me anyway.

I got CBT through the NHS after being referred by my doctor although it was years ago. I have since paid for CBT with someone specialised in eating disorders. Made such a difference and absolutely not about talking through your trauma (which would have made me want to stick pins in my eyes).

I can also really recommend checking out https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/binge-eating-disorder/

They have online support groups, which I did something like a few years ago and it was so helpful. Also, they have a self-guided programme which I thought wouldn't help but did.

Thank you that's so helpful

Aww, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. It is hard! I watched the weight slowly gain over the past...10...years. I've always been a comfort/stress eater and I've FINALLY had a revelation...it feels good for the first bite, but then later all it tastes like is guilt and regret. So...if I had a bad day at work, I'm really punishing myself in the long run with a donut.

I started Louise Parker Method 8 weeks ago or so and it has helped me change my mindset. But you have to be prepared-- which is really just learning a new habit. I've learned to prioritize protein at every meal and not go into a meal hungry.

If you're hungry, having a bad day, and have conditioned yourself to crave sweets = recipe for disaster.

Just start today. Where ever you are. You have to find something sustainable that works for you. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.