My Mum is visiting and I'm starting to realise where my awful habits have come from.

[JerryGarcia]

I've got two DDs 4 and 2. DM is constantly feeding them crap. Jelly, chocate bars, ice cream, cookies, cake etc. Multiple times a day. Were constantly in conflict because im always having to ask her not to gove them more sugary crap. She doesn't walk anywhere if she can drive there, she'll always take the lift instead of the stairs, even one level. I'm unfit, trying to re-wire my brain but seeing how she constantly feeds my children makes me think I must have had the same as a kid.

I also realised that she's incredibly controlling and over-bearing at meal times. Where I'm pretty lassaiz fair about meals (my children eat lots of veg and will try everything) she's constantly got her fingers on their food, showing them how to eat eg look, like this, dip it in here, give me your fork let me show you. To be clear, both girls can use a knife and fork without help and they'll ask for help if they need it. I've seen her pick food up and put it in their mouths while they're squirming, trying to get away. It creates so much anxiety around food and eating and makes me think no wonder I've not a scooby about healthy food.

I’ve had hit the roof on the first day, and sent her packing the following day if she persisted.
Don’t let her do this to your children.

That sounds very stressful, jerrygarcia. I imagine your mum has caring at the bottom of this but it is very weird (and common) behaviour.

My mum was roundly told by all of her children (including me) to stop commenting on our weight, what we were eating and to focus on her own habits and behaviour. She now resorts to telling her dog that she's (the dog) eating too much. I was shocked (but not surprised) to hear her say, "Bella... don't you want to leave half of that for later". Bella, being a dog, didn't.

I think if it were my mum, jerrygarcia, I would have to say to her privately - when the children are eating please leave them alone. They know how to eat, let them get on with it. If there are any corrections to be made then I will do that."

I'm sorry though, you have my sympathies, it sounds awful. As you've identified, the priority is not to let you mum pass on her issues to your children; she almost certainly passed them on to you. Why do mothers not realise this? You'd think they'd have their children's interests at heart.

She needs to be far away from them at the table. Can you sit in between them?. Or spell out touching other people's food is gross.. . Or invite her after mealtimes only..

That is just horrendous. Shoving her fingers in their food and stuffing food in their mouth that they don’t want is appalling. She’s not listening to you so it’s no use telling her. You’ll have to really put your foot down - she does not feed them or touch their food, or she goes home. Any attempt from her to put her hands on their food or feed them snacks - you snatch it away from her. This isn’t just annoying, it’s serious.

I’ve had lifelong food issues too and my mum was like this. She was still trying to stuff food in my mouth when I was over 40 and had already said no very firmly. You literally had to clamp your mouth shut and turn away from her quickly. She was determined that you’d eat what she wanted you to eat and didn’t want to take no for an answer.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe im not sue I would tell her to stop when alone.

The dcs need to hear that mum has their back too and that what gran is doing is not ok (and they are entitled to grumble about it!).
Plus I’d want to stop that there and then, not wait afterwards. It’s likely that her mum won’t quite remember what the op is talking about, will minimize etc… whereas there is less scope for discussion when it’s talked about on the spot.

I don't suppose you can tell dcs if she does that then they have to pick her food off her plate and shove it in her mouth? No. Tempting though

"Pack it in mum"
That's what you need to say

My mum does the snack thing and it's really frustrating. We have at most two small healthy snacks and three meals a day (pre schooler) but if I let her, he'd be eating junk every hour and wouldn't eat his meals.

I too am anxious about making it a pressure point and creating food issues, BUT if he fill-up on sugar he'll become a hyper monster and then she'll blame my parenting. (And ds will expect it all the time)

I am slim but my dad and sister are overweight and have weight related health issues and like you I can see where it comes from.

I feel stuck and frustrated too. No advice but I hear you.

Mineisbetter, I do see your point. I was thinking of OP telling her mother (alone) once - and then if it happens again to follow your plan but actually, perhaps your plan is better?

I'm always giving the benefit of the doubt followed by scorched-earth. I could save myself the bother of the first one, couldn't I?

I can't believe you've let this go on for longer than two meal times! Your girls need you to step up.

I am actually really surprised at the strength of the responses. I was worried that I was being difficult/controlling, which is how she always makes me feel any time I challenge anything she does. I will talk to her about meal timesand snacks. It all goes very deep between us, our relationship is tricky but I need to stop her passing on such bad habits with food. It always takes a few days for my girls to get back to normal eating habits ie not demanding snacks etc.

I guess I grew up with it so im inly just starting to see it clearly for what it is. I've spent the last 5-7 years trying to build up my boundaries with her. She's got lots of her own issues that affect our relationship very deeply and so acts like a toddler when I am boundaried with her.

This is really appalling behaviour of your mother. You need to step on it really hard so that your girls , and you mother, get the message that nobody puts their hands in their food and force feeds them. What kind of message does that give your daughters about boundaries?
Tell her it stops now and the junk stops now. She’s probably got a whole stash of it hidden away, tell her you don’t want to see that junk ever again. Or else!

Does she live with you OP? If not, just don't have her around at mealtimes, but whether she does live with you or not, you need to speak to her seriously about her interfering with their food. Tell her it has to stop, or she will be out. And mean it. She clearly has issues but you have to put DC's welfare first. Telling her to leave will concentrate her mind if she does not tend to take you seriously.

My DM grew up so poor and malnourished that she then really fucked up with food when we were little. I am one of 8 and 4 are morbidly obese, all except me diabetic. DM is tiny, like a little sparrow. Very early on I told her 'you did your best, you're a wonderful grandma, but I know better than you regarding food, so please be quiet and focus on yourself'. They are your children. Take charge.

So the issue arose again yesterday after dinner. DM had given my DDs ice cream in sugar cones in the afternoon and, unbeknownst to me, told them they could have jelly after dinner. They asked for jelly straight after they finished dinner and she said she would put squirty cream on top. I said no to the cream as jelly was enough and they'd already had ice cream. She pushed back against me saying no but I just repeated it. Then she got up to get it and I saw her get the cream out. I left the kitchen as was so pissed off that she'd totally ignored me again.

Now had a huge argument about it and she's left my house. She'll tell me and everyone that listens that I kicked her out and she'll hold this against me forever. Feel sick and am about to burst into tears.

I moved a long way from home but went back for a few weeks, many years later & realised where a lot of my abusive habits, both food & temper-related, came from...it was illuminating.

Plus the disordered eating. Much empathy.

Keep her away from the DC at mealtimes.

Take yourself over to the stately homes thread. Learn about fear, obligation & guilt.

Also read a few of Brene Brown's books on shame.

I'm so sorry 💐. That must be very upsetting for you. Is there anyway you could have a reasonable conversation with her about this. She seems to be trying to show love/ make a bond solely through food. Is she aware of this do you think?

And stop being the one to fix the relationship. She's yanking your chain, knowing you'll crack...

Focus on the DC, why should you have days of disorder, when she's had an hour of disrupting your routine.

She's holding you to ransom, expecting you to back down first.

But you really need to put your DC first and not back down and apologise here. You have done nothing wrong.

I just know the repercussions of standing up to her are going to be horrid. She will hold on to this for years. It's like I am standing on a beach and a tsunami is coming and I can't stop it.

Then hold onto that fact that your are protecting your DC from ever feeling as bad as you are right now, because you're not allowing her to have that hold over them that she had over you.

She totally ignored your comments about the cream and is controlling and undermining to you. Dont feel guilty at her leaving, feel relief

Thank you. This is very clearly my 'purpose' and good to be reminded.