My Mum is visiting and I'm starting to realise where my awful habits have come from.

[JerryGarcia]

I've got two DDs 4 and 2. DM is constantly feeding them crap. Jelly, chocate bars, ice cream, cookies, cake etc. Multiple times a day. Were constantly in conflict because im always having to ask her not to gove them more sugary crap. She doesn't walk anywhere if she can drive there, she'll always take the lift instead of the stairs, even one level. I'm unfit, trying to re-wire my brain but seeing how she constantly feeds my children makes me think I must have had the same as a kid.

I also realised that she's incredibly controlling and over-bearing at meal times. Where I'm pretty lassaiz fair about meals (my children eat lots of veg and will try everything) she's constantly got her fingers on their food, showing them how to eat eg look, like this, dip it in here, give me your fork let me show you. To be clear, both girls can use a knife and fork without help and they'll ask for help if they need it. I've seen her pick food up and put it in their mouths while they're squirming, trying to get away. It creates so much anxiety around food and eating and makes me think no wonder I've not a scooby about healthy food.

Thank you all for your replies today and yesterday. I feel like shit but it's amazing that strangers online can provide so much strength.

Ohh you have my sympathy, my mum is the same. With the added bonus of banging on about healthy eating and how I need to lose weight while suggesting we give DS chocolate for breakfast and offering haribos and biscuits for snacks 🤯

Also remember you'd have felt shit if you'd let her get away with it too. Guilt (for not standing up for your children), frustration, powerless, weak, a failure...

It's all very well when people say 'set firm boundaries' without acknowledging that having those boundaries can have a big potential fallout. It had to be done but now you're picking up the pieces emotionally from the consequences.

Sometimes the right decision still hurts, it's just the lesser of two evils

Good to hear that you have found the advice on here helpful. I have a very controlling overbearing mother and I know how deep this stuff runs, and how easy it is to doubt yourself and wonder whether you are over reacting. I hope you've heard loud and clear that you are absolutely right to be concerned about your mother's behaviour. She clearly had serious issues around control which manifest in her behaviour around food. I know that challenging her will be far from easy, but you know you need to do it, for your girls and for yourself

As a wider issue, I highly recommend psychotherapy for yourself. Dealing with a parent like this, coming to terms with their legacy and the impact on you is dark, scary, painful stuff, and having professional support to navigate it all can be invaluable

This is a fabulous answer

What you've just written is so close to home. I've got a couple of friends with parents like my mum and hae learnt that only people who were raised in this way ever really understand what parents like this are like. I will have therapy one day. I know I need to. The twisted thing is that DM is a psychotherapist. Always makes me think of the plumber who doesn't fix their own taps.

I don't know why I'm shocked that your DM is a psychotherapist, I've met some utterly shit ones in my time, but I really am. That's some dark stuff. As you say, twisted

Completely agree that most people don't get it. Society in general sees mothers as endlessly loving, supportive, empathetic, reliable, always putting their child first. I know some people do have that sort of experience with their mothers, but plenty of us absolutely do not

If you're mum is a psychotherapist then she will be particularly good at playing mind games with you. Remind yourself of this, she has honed the ability to make you feel like shit.

Now look at your DC, would you treat them like your Mother (NOT 'D'M) treats you? I'll bet your answer is "no way in hell!" Keep looking at your DC and reminding yourself why you need to stand firm.

As she gets older, she will get more so.

You don't need to be drowned by the tsunami, take yourself to higher ground.

I've found the "drop the rope" concept useful.

'You don't need to be drowned by the tsunami, take yourself to higher ground.'

I really like this thought. Parents like this are so overbearing and controlling that you need a reminder that you don't belong to them, that you are an adult, and that you don't have to engage in her messed up dynamics. And that if she is disappointed/ angry/ furious/ nasty, you can cope. It won't be pleasant, but you will cope, and you're not responsible for her feelings

She sounds exhausting OP. It sounds quite sickening tbh. I think these kind of mothers don’t really “see” their family members ….

Her attitude to you is SO dismissive. She’s putting you in your place. She’s the Mother, and a Psychotherapist to boot. Her views and opinions Count. Yours don’t. In a way, you are nothing.

I don’t know if it’s even fixable. These people don’t really change. Though they may accept a few fiercely enforced boundaries, possibly. Maybe you can try. She’s gone off in an angry huff? The silent treatment probably. How typical and predictable.

All you can do is enforce your boundaries?

Also, how often does she visit? Limit it more strictly, if that’s possible? More distance generally?

Most of all, credit to you for trying to have you and your children eat good food and have healthier attitudes to food.

Yes, good to remember, you’re not responsible for their feelings. (They won’t see it that way though; the ultimate immaturity).

Enjoy the peace and quiet while she's off having her huff

What does lassaiz mean?

It's a typo for laissez

Well done for protecting your kids from the toxicity of your mother.

I'm feeling her self imposed flounce might be a positive for you.

My MIL is a "feeder" and can not EVER throw leftovers away, it can be quite embarressing eating out, but it is clealy quite a compulsive behaviour.

We joke openly about it in front of DD (4), at 3 (and her cousin at 4) they could both already say "No Nanna I have already said I'm full" when she was pushing hard for them to eat more. I explain to DD that Nanna was very poor when she was a little girl and had lots of brothers and sisters, so didn't have much food, so she just behaves a bit differently around it to us. Also seeing her behaviour has made me mindful of how I might handle this winter if food prices go even sillier and money is tight.

Before she left my house, she asked me what rules I wanted to impose. I said just ask me before you give them food. That really pissed her off and she said oh so its all about you really isn't it, needing to be in control of everything!? When I think about my parents in law, they wouldn't give anything to my DDs without checking and FIL looks after DD2 every week!