How to help my daughter

[Glenthebattleostrich]

My daughter is 11. During lockdown she suffered massively with her mental health and anxiety and all activities we would usually do we couldn't (either they stopped or I couldn't afford it as my business went down the pan).

She put on a huge amount of weight over the last 2 years. She is 5foot 5 and gas a 34 inch waist at the moment. She is hugely struggling with this too.

She cries quite a bit about feeling ugly and worthless. Obviously, I talk to her about her body shape not being tied to her self worth but she lives in the world and goes to high school so gets this message from others.

We have been talking about healthy eating, portion control etc and are increasing exercise. But I need to get this right. I can't leave her with this issue for the rest of her life. My parents have left me with massive food issues which I am desperately trying to not pass on.

Our plan at the moment is 3 meals and 2 small snacks a day, making sure she has lots of fruit and veg (difficult as she refuses most), reducing portion size and increasing her walks.

So yesterday she refused breakfast (was having a strop), had a breakfast bar on her way to school. Pizza and cookie at lunch and sausages with baked beans for tea. Not great!
We walked the dog for 45 minutes after work and again for 15 minutes before bed.

Today has started better!

Breakfast of melon (100g) and a small piece of cheese (30g). Lunch will be pizza again (refuses packed lunch as none of her friends take them) and tea is party food because of a mindees birthday. Supper snack will be banana or a mini peperami.

So, is this the right approach. She is tall (same height as me!) and showing all the signs she will ping up again so just trying to instill healthier habits while I still can.

Any exercise advice would be great too. We will be going bowling at the weekend I think and possibly swimming if we can book into the pool.

I would appreciate any advice on how to tackle this while supporting my daughter's still fragile mental health.

Thanks

I think you should be aiming for more protein based meals which are filling and healthy. Egg and toast for breakfast, fish or meat and veg for dinner with potatoes or rice or pasta. You can weigh out portions before you cook without making a big deal of it.

Sorry to hear your DD is struggling. It is tricky as you don’t want her to get obsessed with her food and go the other way.

I have no experience of this issue other than one picky eater in the family, but I have to say the food you listed is mainly processed junk. Sorry! Your DD would do better with proper home cooked food, she needs protein to feel full. Could you and your DD try cooking together, try a recipe once a week, let her choose from BBC Food website or a book? My DD (the picky eater) loves roast chicken so we have that twice a week and she has the leftovers too. Keep persevering with veg, she may reject 10 types but if she even has three veg she likes it would be great. Best of luck.

Just thought, it’s lovely if she may be tall, do tell her how lucky she is! No offence meant to shorter folks.

Sorry she’s been struggling but I agree, it looks too much like junk food. You said one is a party tea as a celebration, but what would a typical day’s meals be? Breakfast bar, pizza, cookie, peperami, party food, sausage and beans are not healthy food, at all really. So even with exercise, she’s probably having way too many calories, and lots of salt and sugar.

I’d suggest porridge or Greek yoghurt with fruit for breakfast, or eggs if you have time. Is there anything on the school menu she could choose except pizza, you could talk to her about increasing variety, rather than pizza 2 days in a row.

Dinner could be whatever the whole family likes, but include lots of veg, even in spag bol, bulk it out with mushrooms, courgettes, peppers, spinach etc.

It doesn’t need to be an issue if you all eat the same, so rather than her feeling like she’s on a diet, just model good nutrition through what you eat and what you cook. Make a pasta bake for example, but use wholemeal pasta. Once it’s got sauce on, my kids don’t notice the difference.

As others have said, protein is important, so eggs, chicken, meat, but try and avoid processed meats. Peperami should be ditched, the banana is a much better option. Try veg sticks with hummus.

Also, try and balance out the day. So if you know she’s having pizza for lunch and party food for dinner, then don’t go for another junk food as a snack. Make sure she’s having some veg or yoghurt instead.

she won't change her lunch, she gets 40 minutes so it's something she can grab and go. I'm working on changing that.

She will sometimes have a boiled or scrambled egg. When I say party food, it is all home made so not to terrible but agree ahe eats too much processed crap!

Typically it will be fruit for breakfast with a slice of cheddar. She doesn't like yogurt or porridge unfortunately. I'm going to try some home made flapjack this weekend to see if that works.

Lunch she refuses to change.

Dinner us usually something like chicken with mash and peas. I'm moving her over from eating with the children I mind to having dinner with me and her dad so she eats better.

I struggle getting her to eat anything not beige and yes, allowed to much to creep in while dealing with everything else over the last 2 years.

Menu plan for the rest of the week -

Breakfast of fruit and either cheese or chicken or egg. Eggs boiling in a pan as we speak.

Dinner tonight - chicken with pancetta and mushroom with some mash and peas

tomorrow is chilli (again home made)

Thursday Home made meatballs with pasta

Friday risotto (i can hide cauliflower in the risotto!)

Snacks, Ive filled the fruit bowl, bought her favourite grapes and melon and 'forgot' to buy crisps!!

Thanks for the advice. I know I sound rubbish but having a total brain fart (combined covid and peri menopause fog is not great) and was struggling to see the wood for the trees.

Although fruit is healthy, it’s also full of sugar, so it’s probably giving her a spike in the morning, rather than filling her up. She’d be better off with scrambled or boiled eggs on wholemeal bread. I’ve just made some delicious ham and cheese muffins, so 12 in the fridge, can be grabbed if in a rush. She could even make those herself at the weekend and have some during the week as a snack, I’ve used chopped mushroom, onion, cherry tomatoes, ham and spinach all fried in a little olive oil, and then just cheddar and eggs on the top, very easy and quick.

Try and use brown rice for the chilli, whole meal pasta with the meatballs.

Meal planning is a great way to stay on track too, I find if I haven’t planned, it’s too easy to just stick a load of beige freezer food in the oven.

And just keep trying with the vegetables.

Hope she starts to feel better about herself soon.

How far is the school? Can you bike with her to school and back.
My son can easily put on weight and loves loves loves food.
We cycle to school and try to walk as much as we can. We try to have a balance of vegs/carbs/protein/junk food etc.

Not for a minute suggesting you go down the route of something like Slimming World but, I loosely follow it and if you ignore all the muller light/sweetner nonsense the basic principles are pretty solid - freely eating fruit & veg, plenty of lean protein (fish, chicken. eggs. lean meat etc) limit the fat & oils and don't overdo the carbs and I try and avoid snacking unless it's in the veg or protein category.

One easy change you could implement is making sure your meals always contains a 1/3 veg or salad on the plate. So now when I serve our evening meal, there's always a portion of salad or veg that covers 1/3 of the plate leaving less space 'main meal'. No one feels short changed or like I'm offering teenie portions and they can ask for more if they want it (& my DH & teenagers will inevitably want more than me) , but more main meal also means more veg or salad. Also look at small changes - less/no butter in your mash, oven cook not fry chips, chilli/meatballs - choose a lower fat mince add veg to the sauce etc, trimming fat off meat etc. None of these in isolation will make a massive change but added together could help.

That said, when my DS1 put on weight in Year 7 we realised 90% of the problem was what he was consuming outside of the home - paninis, cookies, pizza at school everyday and stopping at the shop before AND after getting the bus . I blamed told him it had to stop due to cost rather than mention his weight & swopped him to packed lunches and made him leave money at home except on a Friday. Combined with a growth spurt he soon lost his tummy & is now a strapping 6ft 16 year old with a six pack!

Steer very clear of slimming world, and things like it.

If you follow the Fitness Chef on Facebook or IG and join the community there is really sensible advice on eating well and losing/maintain weight with no fads or forbidden foods. Really good

If there is one diet tip top of my list it's to remove dextrose from your diet altogether. It's like a drug. I've just looked up the ingredients in peperami. Not at all surprised to find that dextrose is the 2nd ingredient. Not only is peperami utter shite and have pretty much no nutritional value whatsoever, the dextrose will make her uncontrollably crave more sweet quick-fix food. She will feel hungrier after it than before.

Check all the junk food you buy and switch them for versions without dextrose. It appears in pizzas, sausages, bread, cereals - basically in foods that masquerade as not being sweet treats but the dextrose makes us want to eat and eat and eat.

I feel very strongly about dextrose. Government should ban it.

I'd accept you can't control her school lunch, but really, giving her sausages (over processed pork) with baked beans (sugar) for dinner when you know she had junk for lunch is something you CAN change.

Otherwise your week's menu sounds good and satisfying.

Can't remember what it's called but there's a nice program on CBBC iPlayer where kids cook different recipes. You could watch some with her and see if there's anything at all she fancies making.

I'd cut the supper snack altogether. She doesn't need food at that point in the day.

Re exercise, a stroll doesn't do an awful lot but if you can engineer a couple of walks a week where you're in a hurry and have to walk fast it becomes decent exercise.

Thanks so much for all the feedback.

The sausages are either home made (i have a machine) or 98% meat gluten free ones. Still not ideal but not quite the Richmond specials!! But yes, they are limited to once a fortnight max from now on.

Thanks for the dextrose info, I'll definitely look into that.

Our walks are quite decent. We live on the side of a hill so its either a mile up a steep hill then down through some woods / country trail or w walk to our village which is uphill on the way back. Her school is 5 miles away and i start work at 7:30 and her dad at 8 so we cant bike with her unfortunately but you have reminded me to sort our bikes our for weekend rides.

Her dad and I generally gluten free so we tend not to have much bread in, so fairly easy to restrict bread without her noticing and we can bake bread together as a lovely activity. I am also getting her cooking with me sometime (not all the time as I hide veg in lots of meals because she and her dad are fussy with it if they can see it).

I'll definitely look up Fitness Chef on fbook, thanks for that.

I've also printed some menu plans for the next month to sit down and plan with DD tonight. I'm coming at it as we have a holiday soon so lets see if we can cut our food shop bill and see if we can be a bit healthier as a family.

Tbh I would really try to steer her away from pizza and cookie for lunch. That could be 800 calories on its own.

Just one last thing, maybe keep trying to push the vegetables in different ways. I know you’re ‘hiding it’ in meals because it’s nutritious, but she will grow up thinking she hates all vegetables. But keep trying different ones now and again, because it takes time to learn to like them. If she doesn’t like raw carrot, will she eat it with hummus on? Or raw peppers or cucumber sticks with hummus. Or do an oven tray of mixed veg with olive oil on, then it all goes sweet once roasted. I do courgette, aubergine, beef tomatoes, red onion, garlic and peppers. Then you could mix it with some wholewheat couscous, can be eaten hot or cold, both delicious.

You could try stir fry chicken with those mixed veg packs, mange tout or sugarsnap peas, corn, beansprouts, Chinese leaf, broccoli, and serve with noodles. One dinner and she’ll have had tons of veg in one go.

Oh the ultimate aim is to move away from the pizza lunch but one challenge at a time! I need to go softly softly with her mental health. We are talking about how sugar and food in general affects moods and how if we make mostly healthy choices it helps us focus and improves our mood. That being said today she chose a baguette which she eats over 2 days and a flap jack so a little better. And she definitely does as I check her bag when she's out of sight.

I always offer veg as well as hiding it. She won't entertain hummus but will eat guacamole sometimes so I can make some of that and perhaps a little cream cheese. She hates milk and yogurt so need to keep her calcium up.

I've prepped a few little pots to grab with a small piece of melon, a strawberry, some cucumber and a few sugar snaps as well as portioning some grapes out so theres lots of options to grab and go. Also done some boiled eggs.

I really appreciate everyones help with this. It has really helped me focus and plan our good habits. Ive also arranged for her to go painting after-school so she misses the unhealthy tea and is having stuffed chicken thighs with DH and I (stuffed with a whizzed up mix of garlic, cream cheese and spinach) with mash and green beans.

Oh and the left over crisps and biscuits are firmly in the bin. Stopping with the sunken costs fallicy. My daughter's health is more important than the couple of pounds spent on a pack of crisps and biscuits. We can walk to the shop (2 miles round trip) to get a treat occasionally. And bake our own cakes and biscuits. The lazy parenting has to stop

Completely agree with SingaporeSlinky but I would also add I think it’s important not to panic.

I say this as my 15 yr old DD has very plain tastes in food generally. My DH and DS are both foodies who love kimchi, razor clams (the long snail things, think that’s their name), sashimi, offal and eat buckets of fruit. I have learnt to let them get on with it but they are not allowed to tease DD who finds lamb horribly strong.

I try to look at her food overall, what she has eaten over the week rather than every single meal. No junk or processed stuff in the house but there is a lot of repetition, chicken, wild salmon and steak every single week. Allergic to eggs sadly. Veg is reduced to steamed broccoli, roast carrots and potatoes which used to upset me as the rest of us eat every veg you can think of. I love love my veg. Then one day I realised growing up in the 70s the only veg I ever saw was potatoes, cabbage, peas and carrots. Never heard of a courgette or a pepper! And actually we had the same 6 meals on rotation. Meals should be relaxed and not a battleground in my view.

Just read your update Glenthebattleostrich you are too hard on yourself, you sound like a great mum, it’s hard to keep everything going, it’s easy to let a few bad habits creep in. I find the making a grocery list and sticking to it is key.

@Glenthebattleostrich that tea you’re making sounds delicious!

I get worried about DS’ weight, but can tell you that he’s looking much better just since having a “healthy” evening meal with me as I’m on a fitness campaign to get rid of lockdown weight. I don’t push it but just give him the meal and its definitely balancing out the other stuff he eats.

Are sure she's not getting more food from the shop on the way to school or eating in secret from the cupboards?

What you've put isn't massively healthy but it's not loads of food either, and that is big for a girl of 12 (I'm the same height and waist as that so I'm not being horrible-I just can't imagine being this size when I was 12, she must be eating more than that).

I have teens in secondary school too and I can't believe the shot they sell in the canteen! My boys eat pizzas and chicken burgers daily! They do have pasta salads too but no one eats them apparently! And tbf calorie wise a pasta salad can be as bad as a burger of it's got Mayo and cheese in it!

Thanks @WouldBeGood that's reassuring to hear.

I know shes gone from wearing a size 8 to a size 14 so she does need to lose some but I am definitely taking the help us all be healthier line. And to be fair, it's true. I put on 3 stone in 2 years so am back on it. Hopefully leading by example will also get the message through.

Agree with others:

Breakfast - eggs, porridge, Berries (rather than high sugar fruits like melon) Greek yoghurts small amount of no sugar muesli or nuts and berries, porrridge

Lunch - doesn't sound like you can do much about this at the moment but sorry OP, a baguette and flapjack is the same as pizza. I can see you need to pick your battles though.

Dinner - there seems to be a lot of mash in your menus? Does she eat fish? Pasta with more 'sauce' than actual pasta, padded out with spinach and carrot. Poke bowls - these are fun and take longer to eat. Healthy chunky soups, stuffed baked peppers or large tomatoes, crustless quiche.

Snacks - hummus and cucumber/carrot sticks although I would limit snacks, I just think it's a bad habit

Good luck OP, it must be very hard

This thread is helpful! Well done OP for taking positive steps towards good health.

I have one DC that needs to make healthier choices and one that needs fattening up.
(Having said that there is no reason to offer healthy fattening choices)
I agree with the rubbish being sold at schools.
I try and not put lunch money in the account to prevent this but the school canteen allows the kids to overdraw which doesn't help.
I also have the issue of hoarding sweets from shops and storing them secretly in the bedroom
Also every birthday gift among teens seems to be a huge bar of chocolate from each friend!

Oh the hiding junk food, yes definitely an issue

DD won't eat fish, although she has agreed to try cod so that's something. She is really picky and yes theres lots of mash but its another thing i can hide cauliflower in so thats why.

I'll have a look at doing some nice pasta dishes and she tried my stroganoff last night and declared that an acceptable meal. I know the menu is fruit heavy but its a case of softly softly. Getting her to take a pot of fruit in is a big win for me instead of getting chocolate or cake from the canteen. She has stated taking 'special fruit water' in which is a fruit tea bag soaked as she refuses to drink plain water. She was having a fizzy drink ot Capri sun so its a case of having to introduce things slowly and steadily.

As long as we get to a better place by Easter with better habits I'll be happy.

Luckily business has returned to normal and I'm changing jobs in September so will have way more time to dedicate to cooking and more time to go for lovely walks and bike rides. I just refuse to wait that long to get this addressed.

By a win on the sandwich I mean she gets a pot of salad with it which she eats so only has half the sandwich. The flapjack is a low sugar one apparently. (at least according to the information we got from school at the start of the year).

Ds was about 7yo when I noticed that he had started to put on a bit of weight. He loves food, which I didn’t want to discourage, and I didn’t want to draw attention to his weight gain either.

I basically massively upped the amount of protein he ate, dropped the amount of carbs and upped the veg.

Fruit or yoghurt only for pudding, save for Saturdays, when I would make something like a fruit crumble or a trifle.

Nothing after dinner, except for a Friday night - i would let DS choose what he wanted, but made sure it was a smaller portion ie a normal size chocolate bar, not a sharing bag etc. Or if I was buying something like a big box of maltesers, I would portion them out so that I knew DS wasn’t having more than was decent.

I also kept an eye on the amount of milk and juice he drank, as he was having too much of each.

Ice lollies when it was sunny and not ice creams, but I let DS choose which ones in the supermarket.

It definitely worked. I never weighed him but I suspect that he didn’t lose a lot of weight, he just grew over the next six months/a year and stayed the same weight.

Most importantly (for me and him) he didn’t realise what was going on. However he was having packed lunches and I was able to clean tool his portion size, choice etc at lunchtime and that definitely helped. I appreciate the difference in our situations.