So tired of trying and failing

[TooOldandTired]

Is anyone else just so sick of trying to lose weight and feel like their whole life is impacted by it? I'm 43 and since I was a teenager I have been overweight and it has gone up and up over the years and I am now 20 Stone. I have done so many diets, personal trainers, gym, courses over the years I couldn't even count them and the end result is that I always end up heavier! You would think lockdown would have been the ideal time to lose weight and I have tried a couple of times and lost a stone and then it goes straight back on with a few pounds for extra measure. I'm just so tired of constantly thinking about it, reading about it, looking for new things to try but ultimately getting nowhere. It impacts every part of my life. I look awful all the time and can't be bothered with making any effort. I have low level health issues which will not doubt get worse as I get older unless I do something. I'm worried about dying young and I have 2 small children and there is so much I want to do with them and I keep thinking I will lose the weight and then it will be fine but the years are passing and I feel like they are missing out on so much. In some ways I really wish I could just stop thinking about just accept I am fat and live my life.
I know that I just need to get off my arse and move more and eat less, my logical brain understands that I just can't get the rest of me to agree.
Anyway thanks for reading and sorry for the moanfest, not sure why I am posting, feeling a bit at the end of my tether.

Start now!

I'm 10 years older than you and ate my way to loads of health issues and killed my knees, blood pressure, blood sugar.
I had small children then, they possibly missed out. I can't remember.

Just start. Any improvement you can make means you won't be like me.

We have a friendly and active thread weight loss for BMI over 40. Come and join. We are all trying different approaches.
I've lost my first stone.
I just couldn't face the aches and pains anymore. I'd long since given up caring how I looked.

Please try! Baby steps.

Thanks so much FlatEarthling I really appreciate you replying. I will definitely take a look at that thread. I'm sure I will get some inspiration, tomorrow is a new day! Well done on your weight loss.

It sounds so horrible to be thinking about it all the time but not having lasting effects from dieting etc

I'm not experienced in all this, but do you think you could change one thing? So instead of thinking that you have to take up loads of activities and eat healthily all the time, perhaps you could for example just never snack. Something like that? And try it for a few weeks, ticking the days off on an app or a calendar.

Mine wasn't weight related but I was really frustrated that I wasn't achieving something so I changed one thing and have stuck to it every day for nearly two months. It's making a big difference. Good luck whatever you decide to do and I think you can do it!

Completely understand OP. I'm so sick of constantly hating my body and trying and trying and getting no where. Was chubby from about 11 until 17ish, lost weight (unhealthy ways)and then when I got pregnant at 21 gained weight and have been fat since. Each time I seriously diet I lose about a stone, then lose motivation and end up gaining it back plus extra. It's so exhausting and I feel so despairing :( sorry I can't offer much positivity, but your post really resonated with me so wanted to respond x

Have a look at Dr Jason Fung on YouTube. He makes so much sense and educates on how insulin resistance affects us. He’s also got a YouTube on how sugar ‘fills up’ your body and leads to diabetes. It’s really put me off too much sugar and makes me aware of needing to burn it off.
He talks a lot about fasting too. It’s the only thing that works for me.

Hi op. I hear you.
At your weight it's going to be hard. It's 100% about eating less. Exercise is good for you but will make no difference to your weight. If you've lost and gained it may be that your metabolism doesn't know what to do so just holds onto calories. You might have to eat barely anything to lose a significant amount.

I reached a point about two years ago when I realised I needed help so I had weight loss surgery. Best thing I've ever done. From 21 stone to 11 and maintaining.

People will tell you not to do it and to 'eat less and move more'. How's that worked for you until now? I'm guessing not great. Best money I ever spent. Good luck. Happy to answer any questions X

@TooOldandTired - how are you today?

I think there's been some very unhelpful posts.

OP I had a friend who weighed more than 20 stone - that's all I know because she complained that my scales don't go higher.

First she tried losing weight with the advice of a GP nutritionist which was a disaster, predictably.

Then she lost weight with one of the famous groups but also with an eye on how to make permanent change. She's now a healthy weight and a regular gym goer - when they're open!

optomistic Thanks for replying. Yes I know you are right and what you say about making 1 change makes sense. I think I have a all or nothing, start on a Monday, stop and overeat for the rest of the day/week/month/year if anything goes wrong! I know logically it doesn't work. I am going to try and walk every day, even for a shortprtiod to try and make new habits.

@hullabaloo19

Completely understand OP. I'm so sick of constantly hating my body and trying and trying and getting no where. Was chubby from about 11 until 17ish, lost weight (unhealthy ways)and then when I got pregnant at 21 gained weight and have been fat since. Each time I seriously diet I lose about a stone, then lose motivation and end up gaining it back plus extra. It's so exhausting and I feel so despairing :( sorry I can't offer much positivity, but your post really resonated with me so wanted to respond x

Thanks, it is nice to hear it's not just me! I have tried so many diets over the years, some multiple times all with the same result. I have read the obesity code and the beck diet and done CBT and I know what I should do. I feel like I have wasted my life and look back on so many significant events and think how much better they would have been if I hadn't been so fat. I know it is pointless and I can't change anything about it but I still do it. I really hope you find something that works for you as I know how awful this feels. Maybe you can come back in the future and inspire me . Take care.

sloth thanks for replying. I have read the obesity code but I will definitely have a look again. I have tried fasting for a while and found it good but again never stuck to it.

Titsinknicks thanks for replying. I have thought about getting a gastric sleeve loads and spoke to a consultant but honestly I'm too scared to do it for lots of reasons including possible issues with the operation (which I know is rare), side effects, having to take vitamins for the rest of my life, issues with food leaking from the pouch. Also practically getting time of work, to being able to look after the kids. I also worry if I die, I know rare that is but it's hard when it is an operation you don't need (as in I could lose weight another way). I know on the other hand I had tried for 25 years to lose weight and got nowhere, except to put on loads more.

[quote FlatEarthling]@TooOldandTired - how are you today? [/quote]
Thanks for checking in. I'm okay thanks, it was lovely to get replies from people being helpful. I know in a couple of days will get over this funk and hopefully try something new that I can only hope I will stick to. I have been reading the threads here too which have been very helpful. Thanks again.

I would ditch the idea of a diet. Don’t go on a diet. Change your diet.
Don’t focus on what you can’t eat. Plan what you can.
Start by making small switches.

AcornAutumn thanks so much, it's always nice to hear that someone has managed to lose the weight. Sounds ridiculous but when I read weight loss stories especially people who have lost weight I cry because I'm so glad for them that they have done it but feel like a failure.
I have tried weightwatchers (multiple like 30 times), lighter life (again multiple times), slimming world, team RH, Cambridge diet, Paul McKenna, fasting, personal trainers, eating intuitively. The list feels never ending and I also despair at the amount of money I have wasted over the last 25years to end up about 6 stone heavier. Sorry not sure why I am listing all this. Thanks for replying.

@Wolfiefan

I would ditch the idea of a diet. Don’t go on a diet. Change your diet. Don’t focus on what you can’t eat. Plan what you can. Start by making small switches.

Thanks. Yep I know you are right. I think it just seems like I have so much to lose it feels like I will never get there but I know losing a stone over the next 6 months/year and making it sustainable and keeping it off is much better than what I have been doing the last few years which is losing 1 stone in a few weeks and putting on 2!

Maybe rather than trying something 'new' (I presume you mean a diet or regime of some sort) just make a few easy changes so it's not like you need to stick to rigid rules that you end up self-sabotaging after a few days.

You know yourself what's healthy and what isn't. Rather than trying a diet just be mindful of foods you're preparing to eat.

Think of eating what will nourish you vs what won't, rather than 'bad' or 'good' foods. Picture all the beige junk food actually in your stomach vs a more varied colourful diet- the latter is much more appealing. Forget actual weight loss for now, think about making yourself healthy inside. Not sure what your bad habits with food are, but eg. If you're a sugar addict, start by trying to replace chocolate with dried fruit. There's still a lot of sugar but at least some nutritional content in dried fruit and you tend to eat less. Don't buy biscuits and chocolates next time you go shopping. If you're obsessed with takeaways, try cooking the same thing at home or skipping the chips and making healthier home made chips in the oven, and put the money you've saved into a pot or savings account as your 'reward'.

If portion control is your downfall, have a banana or some carrot sticks or similar, and drink shitloads of water about 20 to 30 minutes before a main meal. It does work in making you less ravenous.

Exercise wise just start by walking everyday, 30 mins to start then build it up. Once you've lost a little bit, start building in other things like weights etc.

This way its not like you're trying to massively overhaul your diet and exercise all at once. It's all about sensible small changes.

Food is no hard because you can’t go cold turkey like you can alcohol and cigarettes.

You need to get to the root cause around why you fail at diets before you can solution. Eg boredom, lack of motivation, therefore could you change the type of diet every 6 weeks to stop the boredom/sent mini goals/rewards.

You know this but ultimately you need will power.

Hi @TooOldandTired

I could have written your original post.
I started my dieting career at 14.
I'm 54 now and have done very slimming group known.
I have successfully lost weight on every group I have tried.

My last attempt was 2016 I set my self a target of losing 1lb per week for a year ..which I did. I actually lost 70lbs.
Fast forward 2021 and I have regained every lb plus more.

My last thought at night is my weight,my first thought in the morning is my weight.

None of my siblings have ever had any more than a few pounds to lose and they constantly advise me how I could just change 'one thing,not eat biscuits,not eat after 6' all good advice if you have a normal relationship with food.

However, we didn't reach 20 stone (I may be heavier) because we love to eat healthy and walk loads. We reached 20 stone because we have a dysfunctional relationship with food.

For me, it's depression which started in my early teens and I have been on antidepressants for 30 years.

I have no answers other than the struggle is real.

In my case I feel I should never have started the weight loss journey back when I was 14 as I feel everyone has a natural weight which their body will always go back to.

The only comfort I have is I listened to a Dr who said don't look as weight loss as having been a waste of time but instead look on it as 'health in the bank' because for whatever length of time you maintained a healthy weight your body got the benefit of it.

Good luck OP

Hi OP. I’m sorry if this isn’t helpful as it’s another recommendation, but I love the Half Size Me podcast. It is done by a wonderful woman called Heather Robertson who lost 175 pounds and has maintained this for 9 years. She is all about habit changes and slow sustainable weight loss. I find her really inspiring. If you’re interested check it out.

I have tried to include a link below to another podcast where Heather was interviewed about her attitude towards weight loss as I found this to be a good summary of her story and ideas:

coolcalmchaotic.libsyn.com/being-intentional-about-your-future-self-w-heather-robertson

Wishing you all the best!

Hi @TooOldandTired, I could've written your post as well! I've even posted here in the past (under different names), with either no responses or predictable results.

I'm 48 and I've hit my highest weight ever (15 and a half stone at 5'3", BMI 39). I've successfully lost weight 3 or 4 times in my life, starting when I was 20. I know perfectly well what to do, but the emotional pull and comfort of all the lovely, sugar-filled, carb-laden, calorific, endorphin-producing feelgood food is just too overpowering - more powerful than the desire to not be fat. I'm a binge eater and I hide food. I don't know for sure how that dysfunctional relationship developed, but I don't think it's coincidence that my brother was also previously very overweight - but he found a young beautiful wife, lost his weight by existing on toast and coffee for a year, and keeps it off now by eating 800 cals a day and running 3km to and from work. He still has a poor relationship with food, he's just thin - and has high cholesterol with it.

My blood sugars, blood pressure and cholesterol are all fine - nowhere near being pre-diabetic, Christ knows how. My joints don't ache really, I walk 1 hr daily - and briskly - with the dog. But I do have the first signs of fatty liver, and my skin hurts all over which makes me wonder about the infamous cell "inflammation" from poor diet.

I've read all the books and tried all the diets. I've been idly scoffing absolute shite from being bored WFH, and when I actually dared get on the scales the other day, I felt utter shame. I've given myself a talking to, read the Fast 800 diet by Michael Moseley, and read about how a diet heavy in sugar can lead to dementia. I saw my mum decline with dementia over 2 years before she died last year in lockdown, and the thought of my DH having to care for me as my brain shrinks thanks to my shitty diet, scares me far more than any of the other conditions triggered by obesity.

I've stayed away from crap food for a whole 4 days and I'm 1.5 lbs down already. I don't know if I can sustain it but right now I'm in the zone. It has to be about changing our habits, learning new routines - not "going on a diet", like we have umpteen times before. Just got to stick at it - my somewhat thin) brother says "Choose your "hard" - staying fat is hard. Eating better and resisting the addiction is hard."

He also says that he chooses discipline over motivation, as motivation comes and goes - but discipline is a choice.

I am one of five people I now know to have weight loss surgery and none of us have had any of the side effects you mention. Being morbidly obese is far far riskier than having a gastric sleeve.

Taking a vitamin pill really is no big deal... You'll be on blood pressure and other meds if you stay weighing 20 stone.

Recovery is easy and loads recover from far more serious surgeries looking after children.

It does however take commitment to eat well after and right now it doesn't sound like you could do that.

Wow. I've also been the eternal dieter since small and to a different scale, I've gone through similar. As they say, losing weight is the easy part, maintaining is the hard bit. You need to see your body in a different way. Don't focus on the number on the scale, you need to work on it from a health perspective. What's important to go into your body for a healthy life? And what you can do to improve your health, rather than just losing weight by whatever means ? You need to have a more positive relationship with food and your body first. An as some posters say, change your eating habit rather than go for crash diets which are not sustainable. I started working on fitness and fat loss/muscle gain and it helped me get into the best shape of my life.

Good luck x

@TooOldandTired maybe weigh yourself just once a month? Figure out a small reward for when you’ve dropped half a stone?
Focus on positive changes. Not depriving yourself of things.

Thanks to everyone who replied and for all the suggestions. I wasn't expecting some miracle cure but really appreciate the support and all the help.

@Maverick66 It's just crap isn't it and exhausting, I just want to switch my brain off some days. It's always at the back of my mind nagging me, whilst I'm eating chocolate and crisps of course! I know why I overeat, I can do CBT etc but I just cannot get anywhere long term. Since I have had kids I find it even harder to get up the energy to try. Anyway thanks so much for posting. I hope we can both find some peace and get to where we need to