Invited to an afternoon tea, agreed before I made up my mind that it’s time to stop. How do I not eat politely?

[crosser62]

It was booked about 2 weeks ago
With a small group, 3 of us.

I am huge. Biggest I’ve ever been. I’m embarrassed and utterly ashamed.
I made a definitive decision that it’s time to stop now and reverse.
I have stuck to it to the letter.
I’m determined.

Not only do I not want any of this afternoon tea, I am also following a plant based reduced fat/calorie diet massively reduced intake.

There is nothing on the menu to accommodate this.

It’s been booked as a “treat” for a birthday so being paid for by one of the friends.

I want to go and have a decaf black coffee and a natter.
How do I get out of the food side of it without causing upset or offended?

To be clear, I do not want to eat anything at all.

Bump.

Go and enjoy it and see it as a one fof celebration. If you est to your plan 95% of the time one meal will be fine.

Dont let a diet get in the way of friendships, and a long term life plan still needs to allow for celebrstion.

Fof off
Est eat

D'oh

I think you just need to be honest about it upfront. If they are genuine, good friends, they will understand and support you.

My bf was on literlife when I got married, she came to the wedding, ate nothing and drank only water, I was just happy she still came.

If they are close friends talk to them and explain the above

If you are worried about food and them wasting money would you be able to tak a box home

I think you just need to be honest. Say what you've said here.

I think you need to let your friend know now so that she can possibly cancel your place and get some money back. If you are ‘huge’ and they are your friends then they will support you in your diet and be happy for you.

I think you should eat a limited amount. Long term it will do no harm and it’s hard to avoid food socially.

I'd slowly nibble on one thing and then just say I had a tummy ache otherwise if you mention a diet people will give you their unwanted tedious advice.

One option would be to see it as a treat, but set a limit before you go, this will mean you don’t feel “deprived” and remain in control I.e. I’ll go and have one of each type of sandwich, half a scone and a traybake (or whatever combination you prefer). I say this because I would see deprived and probably overcompensate within the week because I had been “so good” if that makes sense?

Put food on your plate but only eat tiny a bit of it.

Break food in half... hang on, why does this feel a bit ED-ish?

Can’t you just be honest with your friends?

I think this is not a great mindset for losing weight. You can do it and you will lose weight. This one off won’t stop you. Walk an extra 5000 steps, have the sandwiches and a scone without the cream and bring any little cakes home. You won’t keep the weight off long term by denying fun things. Having a coffee just puts a downer on everyone else. Either have the afternoon tea or don’t go.

I would work around your other meals so that you can join in properly. if you plan things out so you have reduced calories earlier on in the day , or day before, next day then you can achieve what you want. (I am assuming it's one of these set things that you pay per person?)

If you really feel that's impossible then speak to your friends, they would much rather you be there drinking coffee than not be there at all. And if they don't finish your afternoon tea between the rest of them someone can take it home in a doogy bag.

If there are only three of you and one of the other two is paying (and presumably it's the other one's birthday?) I would call the paying friend and explain. Say that you really want to be there, don't want to it but also don't want it to be awkward. See if "tea" could be extended to include a fruit place in place of a third of the sandwiches or something. Most places are fine with a reasonable substitution. If not then be discreet and nibble.

I will just ask them to cancel my bit and have the black coffee, as I say there is absolutely no provision on the menu for plant based eating anyway so there’s no way I’m going to allow them to order & pay for something I’m not going to eat.

If it's at a restaurant, call them and request just coffee and perhaps strawberries instead, cucumber sandwiches would be an option (most places will do vegan these days). If at someone's house say you will bring your own food

I’m also very aware that I am that T total vegan that another thread raged about a week ago or so!

I love the 2 I’m going with and wouldn’t want to miss their company.

Losing weight is long haul if you have a lot to lose. I know how you feel and have felt similarly but..
This will come up again and again and that's normal. The key is to be able to eat a reasonable amount and then stop when you come home.
Being able to have a treat when out etc and still continue with diet in the long term is key to success.
I would go. The portion sizes are usually tiny in these places anyway.

If you are being super strict (not great long term, but I do know what you mean) then could you ring to cancel your bit of the afternoon tea, explain you are on a restricted diet for medical reasons (slight bend of the truth but not untrue) and would they be able to do a bowl of fresh berries and a black coffee?
That way you can genuinely enjoy eating something lovely, and won't feel deprived.

For the day, the pp who suggested asking for a fruit platter has a great solution.

It seems a massive change of heart to say yes to afternoon tea then have a 180 on it a fortnight later. If you are an emotional eater, my advice would be to think about the psychological elements around food as it's not a healthy relationship with food to be thinking about avoiding it to such an extent when a couple of weeks ago you were presumably excited. I have a v emotional relationship with food so my default would be the same - I can be a bit all-or-nothing.

I would eat healthily for breakfast, have the afternoon tea, and then get back into plant based eating the next day. You will have cravings for sugar/carbs the next day but they will pass.

I agree, your all or nothing mindset is too extreme. In fact, denying your self of a lot of foods might see you get stuck in a vicious cycle of weight loss, weight gain.

It's fantastic that you feel so determined to get healthier and lose weight. However, eating a couple of cakes with a cup of tea won't make you fall off the wagon and lose control completely, devouring everything in sight.!

If you're someone who likes to stick rigidly to diet rules because of eating issues then plan ahead. Make a new rule; 2 pieces of cake on my birthday and stick to it. Tell them you're trying to eat more healthily these days.

Your friends will probably be interested and supportive of your weight loss goals.

I wouldn’t bore them with any talk about what I’m doing.

This way of eating has worked well for me in the past, 2 weeks ago I knew I had an issue, now it’s come to a head.

I’m determined and not easily swayed.

I hope you don't think I'm criticizing your choices. I just think you shouldn't attach so much guilt to some foods and punish yourself by denying yourself. It can be quite a destructive way of thinking.

Perhaps instead, incorporate this afternoon tea into your diet and eat less for your evening meal or the next day? But let go of the guilt. Easier said than done I know.

OP, this way of eating hasn’t worked for you in the past.

Not at all smiley, I’m grateful for you chatting to me.

I don’t feel guilty, I know I can’t eat a huge group of foods.
I have no control and so I need to cut it out completely.

I know what I can and can’t have. Black & white.
Easy.