Invited to an afternoon tea, agreed before I made up my mind that it’s time to stop. How do I not eat politely?

[crosser62]

It was booked about 2 weeks ago
With a small group, 3 of us.

I am huge. Biggest I’ve ever been. I’m embarrassed and utterly ashamed.
I made a definitive decision that it’s time to stop now and reverse.
I have stuck to it to the letter.
I’m determined.

Not only do I not want any of this afternoon tea, I am also following a plant based reduced fat/calorie diet massively reduced intake.

There is nothing on the menu to accommodate this.

It’s been booked as a “treat” for a birthday so being paid for by one of the friends.

I want to go and have a decaf black coffee and a natter.
How do I get out of the food side of it without causing upset or offended?

To be clear, I do not want to eat anything at all.

I understand your headset. I'm like that too. Are there 3 of you altogether going?

I followed plant based for about 18 months previously.
I dropped one stone initially then for the first time in my life, I remained at a weight for over a year. There was no up or down, no yo-yo weight. It was healthy clean eating that maintained a static weight. ( I was still fat but so so happy that I wasn’t up & down) .

I'm not sure how this can work if you're adamant you won't eat anything. I suppose you could make an excuse about being ill or something. The trouble is, most women have some hang ups about food so it'll make your friends uncomfortable if you sit there watching them eat cake and not participate.

It'll be a bit awkward I think.

Sounds really good. Was it expensive to follow?

I think you are right not to just go along with your friends, as there's a reason you have gained excess weight in the first place. You need to change your habits and get used to going against the grain when people are eating unhealthy or excessive food in order to be sociable. So good on you for being ready to face up to this tricky issue.

I agree if they are good friends they will understand and support you, and I think if you ring the venue they probably would be happy to serve you something that fits your diet.

Yeah. I'd cancel. What pp said about you sitting there eating nothing would be annoying

Just 3 of us.

I’m peri menopausal so things have massively changed.
Health, weight, a big thing for me now.
Weight has accelerated hugely.
I HAVE to do this or I WILL develop diabetes, heart issues, joint issues, back issues. I have no choice, I have to do this.

It’d be VU to attend the restaurant/cafe/hotel and not eat anything. It’s likely to be paid for per head. Restaurants have had months with no business. Either go and eat something, or don’t go.

Agree with PPs: be honest with your friends.

I didn’t subscribe to any commercial diet.
I did loads of research, made meal plans, shopped accordingly..(Aldi) so it was very cheap and easy to follow day by day.
It’s always been the social aspect of eating that has proven the biggest challenge.

I agree, your all or nothing mindset is too extreme. In fact, denying your self of a lot of foods might see you get stuck in a vicious cycle of weight loss, weight gain.

I agree with this. You can't live the rest of your life not wanting to join in with friends at celebratory times just because you have a rigid diet, and eating like that is not sustainable. You need to try and develop a healthy relationship with food - and I know it isn't easy as I lack self-control myself, but I managed to lose a stone simply by eating less and have kept it off somehow. Enjoy this time with your friends, just eat less for the rest of the day if you must, but honestly one afternoon tea is not going to make you put on weight.

Contact the place say you're a gluten free vegan and can you have a salad instead. Most places would oblige if they also do salady things on the menu.

I hear you OP. Afternoon tea is my idea of hell as there is no way of picking any diet friendly options. My friends booked an afternoon tea for my birthday and I was really upset about it as when I start a food plan I have to stick to it 100%.

I would say that the best way to navigate this is to speak to your friends and explain that you'd love to join them at the table, and will make plans with the restaurant for fruit /plate of crudités or similar. Being honest will ensure you all enjoy the event.

Well I admire your determination. You're going to have to be honest with your friends, ring them beforehand. And as suggested, ring the venue and request some sandwiches or fruit you can eat.

You are then joining in and its less of an issue than sitting there with a black coffee surrounded by cake, not eating a thing. That sounds like a form of torture!

can you phone the venue and ask for them to provide you with something like a plate of carrot sticks and cucumber slices? just so you have something to do with your hands and mouth while others are tucking into cake.

Don't let people push food on you!!! If they are good friends then surely they would want to support you adopting a healthier lifestyle?!? Kindly explain how you love them all n wanted to join them... but don't want to partake in the food as you are really trying to change your eating habits. Stick to your guns!!! Well done on making this choice n if you remain firm you will see the pounds fly away!!!

Cancelled. So sorted.
And so it begins, avoiding and angst filled thoughts at the idea of being invited anywhere again.
I will just assert my determination and say no at the get go.

A lot of people won't agree but I fully understand. Have you told your friends?

Did you cancel op or was it cancelled? Hope you are ok. I admire your steadfast conviction to your goal. I hope you manage to see your friends in a different way at some point soon.

Thank you.
I just said that I can’t make it but will catch them for a coffee another evening in the week.
Flaky friend this tome I realise and feel bad but I won’t be in that position again, I will say no from the start.
A coffe & catch up will be better.

It’s not stopping them from going, they will still have a lovely afternoon tea together so it’s ok.

They don’t know how I feel about my weight and the issues around eating.
I never talk about diets etc, it’s tedious.

I just avoid the situation completely.

OP, I have always had a complex relationship with food, from not having enough to eat as a child through to overeating when my parents could afford to feed us and overcompensated, I have struggled and fought to get to, and remain a healthy weight, and at first I did the same. I didn't mention it to friends and just cancelled on things, but it just led to them thinking I didn't want to spend any time with them, which is the risk you run if you become the flaky friend; from their end they won't understand why and will just assume you're drifting apart. In this case an afternoon tea is pretty set, but if you feel comfortable, talk about it with them. The support of my friends was pivotal in my success, and they understood that there were some things I didn't want to do, but also that when planning stuff we took it into consideration. Most restaurants now offer tweaks to the menu, so salads instead of chips with dressing on the side so it's not drenched in calories etc, and it wasn't a big deal. It does take willpower to sit across from someone eating something you would really enjoy whilst you have something not so nice but healthier; but that's a good lesson in sustaining it as a permanent lifestyle change anyway. Please do talk to them.

99.9% would not get it.
I won’t bore them with any of it.
I do not have any form of social life anyway apart from going for a weatherspoons cheep & cheerful every few months with a friend.
I will just go for a coffee with friends instead.
That way I have total control.

My friends are feeders, there will be lots of cake etc at our meet-ups, I won’t have anything of course.
I really don’t think that they would notice.

Thank you to all who get where I am coming from. It’s a huge issue in my head, if you have been there, you will understand why & how it affects life.

OP, I think you've made the right decision for you and well done for not dithering. I get it. Some people find moderation near impossible. I've been sober for well over 10 years and there are still people who say "one glass of champagne won't hurt, surely?".

I also cut out all of my trigger foods. Other than that I calorie count without further food group restriction. I see myself as addicted to those foods and unable to eat them in moderation. I also would struggle a bit with an afternoon tea but personally I would have the sandwiches and if they did a sugar free or cheese scone I might have that with unsweetened fruit and a small amount of cream.

Every time I went out to dinner before lockdown I got the third degree over why I wasn't eating pudding but you really just have to keep saying that this is what works for you.

If you were my friend I would have wanted you to be there and be comfortable. So would have expected you'd explain this was going to be a nightmare, can't eat etc and I would have said if you're happy to come and not eat then come anyway, I'll cancel your bit of the tea. Simples!