I think I've hit rock bottom

[JeffVaderneedsatray]

I'm 52 and I'm 5 foot 2.
I currently weigh 16 stone 11 lbs
I am in a state of despair - I have spent today close to tears at the mess I have become - at work today all I could feel was flesh hanging over my bra sides, the straps digging into my skin and my belly all folded up weird.
I ache all over after joining in with a sports activity (am a TA and all the staff were taking part)
My 75 year old mother is fitter than me - walks marathons FGS!
I have been overweight for most of my life but every diet sees me end up fatter.
I've done SW, WW, Slimming Magazine Clubs, Rosemary Connley........
I've tried 5;2 and The Fast 800.
I always do really we ll to start, lose about 2 stone, get complacent, pile it back on and then get so pissed off with myself and add another stone or so.
I wish I had never started to diet in my early 20s - I was just over 9 stone then and looked fine.
I feel my dieting life is summed up as 'I need to lose half a stone - just 7 and a half stone to go!'
I am a total sugar addict, I comfort eat, I eat when I'm tired, I eat when I'm stressed........
I know how unhealthy I am and I'm fed up with myself.
I need some help from our GP with a dodgy hip - it's genetic - but he won't even contemplate helping me becuase I'm obese.

I just don't know where to go and what to do.

Oh OP I feel for you. Sounds like it's a relationship with food issue. Have you considered hypnotherapy? Definitely get a counselor to dig down to the root of why you do what you do with food, a counselor may be all you need as it may all be linked to a past event xxx

I'm sorry to read you're so unhappy, I'm no expert but I think you have established it's the diets that's caused how you feel now. There's a page called rebelfit on facebook, it's well worth a look, their aim is to undo the diet club damage. Counselling is another option but no more diets, take care of you

GreyWall my life has been a bit of a catalogue of disasters so there is probably a link.
I think it all started when I had really bad excema (which I cannot fucking spell) as a child. A Chinese herbalist told my mum I suffered because sugar made my body 'too hot on the inside' and so she cut it all out of my diet for a while. It made a huge difference but it led to me developing a secret eating habit.
I have thought about hypnotherapy but from my attempts at home hypnosis I think I am unhypnotisable (although I might just be so knackered that a moment of silence leads me to fall asleep - I snore because of my weight and allergies)
I do have a massive issue with sugar and I feel so much healthier when I ditch it. It feels frivolous to describe as an addiction but, like an alcoholic, as soon as I take a tiny bit I have no off switch.

I have 2 children. Both have ASCs and both have very disordered eating. I am painfully aware that I am setting a terrible example.
I need to fix myself.

Could you stop trying to lose weight, and just try to eat healthy. I have stopped trying to make perfect choices all the time, and just try to make better choices. When I try too hard, I always seem to make one bad choice and the whole thing goes pearshaped.

Would your GP refer you to someone for counselling?

OP

I really feel for you. It sounds like you have a disordered relationship with food and you need to try to sort that out before you think about weight loss. I have lost over 30 lb so far and I come from a background of binge eating. The bit about your mum and the herbalist resonated with me. My parents were exceptionally strict with my food growing up and I was never allowed any sugar. Like you, I also developed a secret eating habit and it made my relationship with junk food very fucked up. I do think it’s just like alcoholism and drug dependency because it can literally kill you and it feels out of your control. Realising it’s an addiction also makes you realise that ‘just eat less’ is useless advice because you’d not say that to an addict would you?

I now haven’t binged for 16 weeks. I have never gone that long throughout my whole adult life without bingeing. I take it day by day but like other addicts, I realise that it’s something I will need to work on throughout my life. It’s never going to be a quick fix. I suggest that you try to do each day at a time and just focus on healthy eating and avoiding binge eating. Do that for a couple of months and then see where you are weight-wise.

shedtheload - I am a complete addict. I also think part of me is hiding from the world behind my layers and part of me is worried that if I shed my load I'll still be found wanting.
I had a long weep last night and a long think - one of my issues is that I think 'I'll really get on this tomorrow so today i will have one last hurrah and eat all the nice things' so I do. Then tomorrow comes, I embark on a totally unrealistic diet, stick to it all day then crash and burn when I get home, beat myself up mentally for being useless (massive theme of my life), eat all the shit and vow to 'start again tomorrow'
So, I'm not doing that today. Today I am taking one hour at a time. So far I have swapped my post shopping treat of a bottle of diet pepsi (I have a serious habit with diet pepsi which I am sure contributes to my sugar issues) and bar of chocolate for some fizzy water and a mini bag of cashew nuts.
on my side is the fact that I am reasonably active - I dance and I like walking and running but I have been avoiding walking and running because it's so hard when you are walking and running for an extra person!
So my plan is to NOT diet. I'm also going to make myself be active for at least 10 minutes each day - doesn't sound much but I already join in with 'Go Noodle' at work (am a TA in a primary school) and I dance twice a week. I have a new dance to learn so need to work on that and I think I'll dig out the mini trampoline to use in front of the TV. I've also got a couple of hypnosis apps to listen to - I don't think it can hurt!
If no one minds I shall keep reporting in here.
Thank you all for your kind words last night - I was in the pits of despair.

Good for you OP! Sounds like a positive change and it’s great that you’re ditching the restrictive diets.
I think that there is so much psychological stuff caught up in weight gain. I envy the people who genuinely just gain because they have the odd extra biscuit. For me it was so much more than that. I was using food to numb my emotions but I realised that it only numbed them for a short time and then I felt even worse. Part of stopping my binge eating involved accepting that I would sometimes feel like shit and that I just have to sit with that rather than immediately reaching for a ‘fix’. It’s very hard but it sounds like you’re in a better headspace now which is good.

shedtheload - Totally!
I dread talking about my issues with weight because I find the whole - 'just eat less and move more' line so very hard to deal with. If it was that simple for me I'd have done it YEARS ago rather than wasting my life getting larger and larger.
My daughter is 12. She's beautiful and has a strong, healthy body and I want her to stay that way. I have to fix myself, make 'dieting' not a thing she sees and experiences so that she doesn't end up like me.

I think the fact that you’re aware of it is really good because even if your own relationship with food isn’t perfect you want to build a good one for your daughter. You don’t always have to be perfect yourself to teach other people the right way and it sounds like you’re a great mum because you genuinely want your DD to grow up healthy. With my own parents, my dad in particular was very restrictive and very critical of anyone gaining weight. He used to call me fat regularly when I was a teen which is literally the worst thing you can do to a teenager. I wasn’t even fat in the slightest as a teen so it must have just been spite. My mum used to do fasts over several days, where she would eat nothing, only drink juice. Looking back, it taught me nothing about being healthy. I wish it had been different but it is what it is and I can see it as an explanation for why my relationship with food turned out the way it did. However, it’s not a justification for me staying as I am IYSWIM. I know why I got like this but it’s only me who has the ability and tools to change and the longer I go without overeating, the more I believe that I am capable of doing it.

Maybe ask your GP to recommend you for weight loss surgery? As you say, you've tried everything and you've been trying for 30 years! Surely you would be the perfect candidate?

So, Saturday draws to a close.
I have mostly avoided sugar and sweetners apart from 3 mouthfuls of diet pepsi while I was sewing. I did have a raspberry yoghurt but it contains no sweetners or sugar other than the fruit as I prefer it that way.
I was reminded that bread gives me indigestion when we had pate on toast for lunch. I hate indigestion!
DH cooked - steak and chips. I had a glass of wine and then switched to water. I rarely drink more than one glass of wine any way as I hate the feeling I get the next day. DH had a cheese fest afterwards and the brie looked delicious. I contemplated having some but it meant getting up to get crackers, a plate etc so I never quite got round to it. I could have asked DH to cut a sliver but he'd moved on to stilton so his knife was contaminated - bleugh!

So I'm taking today as a win. But it's just today. I shall take tomorrow hour by hour too.

shedtheload when I was about 15 or 16 my stepfather gave me a leaflet entitled 'The Ryvita Diet' and said I should think about it.
I did Ballet and he would often refer to me as a 'Carthorse in tights'. I once asked why a carthorse and not a hippo as is standard and he said that a hippo might be fat but it was at least elegant. I gave up ballet not long after. I took up dancing not long ago, a different style, and my teacher commented that, when I got ready to dance, as in stood in my beginning stance, he could see me lengthen my body etc and look elegant so my SF was talking bollocks. However as a 15 year old I took it to heart.
Both my parents are quite stocky so i am never going to be willow thin. My Dad was climbing mountains and sailing boats until quite recently - he's in his 80s and my mum is a serious Nordic walker.

DD is a dancer, although her ASC and associated joint issues make it hard for her, and she never bloody stops moving! She seems to be able to read her body much better than I can. her sensory issues mean her diet is shit but she eats when hungry and stops when full down to leavign half an ice cream if we get one when out! She still has easter chocolate left!

Over eaters anonymous? I am in aa and it's been life changing. Only thing that stopped me drinking. I know it's different with food but I think worth a try as I know some people that go and it seems to work. I know I do the emotional eating so open to trying it at some point. The meetings are online so probably a good time to have a try as you don't have to go in person and could just listen and see if anything resonates.

So sorry you're feeling like this. I completely get it. Try not to hate yourself though. The thing that kick started me was getting the GP to do a proper oral glucose tolerance test and then I found out I was pre diabetic. I have found the 16:8 fasting regime absolutely amazing and has pretty much got rid of sugar cravings for me. I used to carry sweets around as though I was a diabetic before. You know how to lose weight, we all do, but finding that inner motivation to keep going is hard. I find my health rather than vanity this time has been the real catalyst for long term change. Best of luck, you can do it!

Jeffvaderneedsatray so sorry to hear about what your stepdad used to say. It’s amazing how much these experiences can mess us up for the rest of our life. It’s also different when it comes from your own family rather than school bullies because you take it to heart as you don’t know any better. Even if your eating habits aren’t good at the moment, at least your kids don’t have to grow up hearing stuff like that and that alone is likely to mean that they have a better relationship to food.

The hour by hour approach sounds good. Eventually it will feel like second nature but it’s so hard at the beginning when you’re trying to undo old habits. Keep going, you’re doing great.

Was also going to say that I found 16:8 good too, same as dorothys. If it seems too daunting at first try something like 14:10. The delay rather than deprivation principle is good because you know that you will be eating soon, you just have to put off the hunger for a couple more hours and then I think it teaches you that it’s not the end of the world to be hungry occasionally.

I am 5ft 2inches and weight 17 stone. I can relate. I looked at photos that we took today and felt physically sick.
I know how and why I have let myself become like this. I just cannot work out how I am supposed to start even making a dent, so will be reading the full thread for ideas.

So, time for some positives and negatives.
Saturday, Sunday and Monday saw me eat when I was hungry and not at any other time.
I managed over 5000 steps each day
On Monday I was offered freshly cooked pizza, straight from a pizza oven. I accepted it, in place of my evening meal, and managed to stop at 3 slices.
I have drunk far less diet pepsi than normal and an awful lot more water.
However:
When I weighed myself on Sunday I had reached 16 stone 13 (which fits with the horrible week I had last week and my rock bottomness) but that's ok because I knew it was coming.
Yesterday was the last day at work for the holidays and there were many, many cakes! I certainly ate far too many BUT back to the positives again I didn't then go bonkers in the belief that I had failed once more.
I have been given a shed load of chocolates as end of term presents including an ENORMOUS bag of twixes - my favourites! However I have given them to my children and will take the rest of the chocolates back to work in September to put on the table.

So, in a nut shell, I'm taking the past few days as an overall win.

A quick report in.
All in all it's been a reasonable few days.
I weighed myself yesterday and am back to 16 stone 11 which I am taking as a positive step along the road back to health.
I have fallen off the no sugar wagon a few times but have been able to shake myself off and not then carry on eating like no tomorrow.
I have drunk far less diet pepsi although I have replaced it with tea rather than water! Since finishing work for the summer I ma drinking less water so I need to address that - at work I have a water bottle to hand so I need to dig that out and have it filled at all times.
Yesterday we had pizza and I managed to stop eating long before I had eaten 'my share' so that felt positive.
I am reading two books at the moment - The Obesity Code and The Permanent Weight loss Plan. They speak sense.
Today I am going to make a list of all the reasons why I need to eat more healthily and then plaster copies all over the place like above the kettle and in the biscuit cupboard!
I also need to up my activity levels - that didn't happen last week at all.
So, all in all a positive beginning. It's a long road to undo over 30 years of bad habits etc but I've started along it. Some weeks might see a sprint and some weeks a slow amble. But I'm on the road and this feels different somehow.

Sounds encouraging OP. You’re doing so well. Also, I wanted to recommend the Brain Over Binge podcasts as I think they would help you. They are done by a woman called Kathryn Hansen who has also written a book by the same name. They’re available on the Apple podcasts app if you have it. I have started listening to them on my morning walk! They resonate loads with me. What I really like is that the author says it’s not important why you binge eat and that trawling through your past trauma trying to understand why it happened isn’t relevant to stopping. She says that if you keep believing you’re damaged and that you can’t be cured until you cure your depression, anxiety, self-esteem etc, you’re overly complicating the issue. You binge eat solely because your brain tells you to do it and you need to get it to stop telling you that. She doesn’t dismiss the role of trauma etc, it’s just that she says it’s not relevant to recovery. I really like that. I can psychoanalyse my life and see why I binge but I can’t change my past and I think maybe I am guilty of blaming it too much on my behaviour now. Also it makes it seem like an insurmountable task because it’s so hard to work through it all. Whereas the Brain Over Binge stuff is very simple. Anyway, check them out if you can and hope things continue to go well for you!

I’ve been there... It’s totally overwhelming. It’s really easy to see the gigantic number that you feel you have to lose and think that it’s too hard and you will never do it. I bet you have started and failed many diets before. Probably if you were to add up all the pounds you had lost and regained, there would be many of you around, right? There are no people more expert in weight loss than overweight people. You need to really think about what worked best for you for the longest period. Was it low fat? Was it low carb? Etc.... find a diet and clear out your cupboards and fridge so that it’s easier to stick to it. You need to clear your house and mind to be 100% on board. Then if you slip up, let yourself know that it’s okay, and get back on board again. It sounds easy, and it actually becomes easier when you forgive yourself. I have lost 60kgs and kept it off this way. (For me it has been strict keto, which is boring AF, but also fixed my migraines. Bonus points. I’m not a dietician or anything, so I’m not going to tell you what to do - but you have to treat this new diet as a treat, not a punishment, or you’re setting yourself up to fail from the outset.)

Omg 60 kilos! That’s amazing justilou. I have also noticed that my crippling migraines that used to come at least once a month have vanished since I lost weight and started exercising every day. Literally gone, not had one for four months.
I agree with you totally about sustainability. Losing weight is energy in vs energy out. There are loads of different ways of doing it and you just need one that you know you can stick to long term, a new way of eating. That’s why shakes and VLCD stuff rarely works because you’re forcing your body to take in energy in a way you would be unable to maintain long-term. As soon as you start eating ‘normally’ it will go back on. You need a new normal!

Today I am going to make a list of all the reasons why I need to eat more healthily and then plaster copies all over the place like above the kettle and in the biscuit cupboard!

I had an A4 sheet on my fridge door which broke down what should be on my plate for a meal. I actually found it helpful when in a period of bad eating habits, as a physical reminder of what I should be preparing.

The statement attributed to Kate Moss about “Nothing tastes as good as being thin” is bullshit, but can be rejigged to suit you, like “Those biscuits might be nice, but I’d feel awful about myself if I ate 3/4 of the packet, and probably eat the rest. Then I would feel sick as well. I will feel better if I have a shower/call a friend/play with the dog/go for a walk/declutter the plastics drawer (whatever) instead”

Agree with that justilou. The only thing that binge eating junk food will do for you is satisfy your craving to eat it. Beyond that it brings you no benefits, just weight gain and bad feelings. Whereas eating healthy nourishing foods will do your body loads of good, give you energy, help you exercise etc.