I think I've hit rock bottom

[JeffVaderneedsatray]

I'm 52 and I'm 5 foot 2.
I currently weigh 16 stone 11 lbs
I am in a state of despair - I have spent today close to tears at the mess I have become - at work today all I could feel was flesh hanging over my bra sides, the straps digging into my skin and my belly all folded up weird.
I ache all over after joining in with a sports activity (am a TA and all the staff were taking part)
My 75 year old mother is fitter than me - walks marathons FGS!
I have been overweight for most of my life but every diet sees me end up fatter.
I've done SW, WW, Slimming Magazine Clubs, Rosemary Connley........
I've tried 5;2 and The Fast 800.
I always do really we ll to start, lose about 2 stone, get complacent, pile it back on and then get so pissed off with myself and add another stone or so.
I wish I had never started to diet in my early 20s - I was just over 9 stone then and looked fine.
I feel my dieting life is summed up as 'I need to lose half a stone - just 7 and a half stone to go!'
I am a total sugar addict, I comfort eat, I eat when I'm tired, I eat when I'm stressed........
I know how unhealthy I am and I'm fed up with myself.
I need some help from our GP with a dodgy hip - it's genetic - but he won't even contemplate helping me becuase I'm obese.

I just don't know where to go and what to do.

Shedtheload I totally agree about letting go of the past. It happened, I can't change it. All I can do is move forward, hopefully lighter and healthier with each step.
Will seek out the podcasts, thank you.
We're going up to visit my dad next week - the cottage we are renting is right near the sea and I am really looking forward to some lovely beach walks (in the rain because it's the Western Highlands in August!)
I'm also ready to move onto my 'heavies' in Irish Dance and the thought of having a smaller body to lug around is really exciting! Plus I remembered last night the box in the loft full of smaller clothes I used to wear - there's some lovely stuff up there I can't wait to see again!

justilou1 60kg is brilliant!
I naturally prefer a low carb way of eating - helps with the sugar addiction I think.
I like what Shedtheload said - I need a new normal.

Thanks, @JeffVaderneedsatray**@JeffVaderneedsatray.... also am 5ft1, so similar height and 48yrs old now. (This all kicked off around 45yrs and going through peri/menopause... So many health problems I have probably avoided as a result!!! Thank gawd!!!) I’m not going to pretend it’s easy, or I don’t have moments of resenting it, but I also realise that there is no instant gratification that feels better than the long-term results. (Health, self-esteem, better clothing choices, etc.... Ooooh, and schadenfreude when randomly running into high school bully (nowhere near either of us grew up) who was fat and miserable, and I was looking and feeling great!)

Yesterday was NOT a good day.
There were positives - I was about to reach for my usual 'after lunch yoghurt' when I realised I was no longer hungry and thus didn't need it. I also served myself smaller portions of our roast dinner and didn't have seconds.
However, after my husband went to bed and I was having a last cup of tea and tidying the kitchen before going to bed I went totally bonkers on twixs! It was like an out of body experience in that part of me was watching me inhale the food like there was no tomorrow in absolute horror while the other part of me snarfed up the twixs. I didn't enjoy them at all.
BUT I've drawn a line. That happened yesterday. Today is a new day, a new hour. I've got a million things to do today so I am staying up beat. In the grand scheme of things it wasn't so bad - what I have to do now is not plummet back into my old 'of fuckit, I've fucked that up, might as well eat ALL the food' attitude of old.

I’m glad you’ve been able to move on from it, OP. It would be unrealistic if it suddenly became really easy to avoid temptation but it sounds like you handled it quite well by not allowing yourself to spiral further. Keep going one day at a time.

Okay... good! We’ve all done it! Did you examine how you felt? Bleh! It was just Twix. Not the end of the world. Go again! Good for you! Just remember... It’s just food. It’s fuel.

Justilou1 I felt....... rebellious while eating.
Not sure who I was rebelling against but I felt rebellious!

(My daughter has PDA and ADD - I am not NT, certainly don't think I have PDA but I am VERY demand avoidant - even if the demands are ones I place upon myself.)

There is now no Diet coke/pepsi whatever in the house - I definitely feel better for ditching it even if it has only been a few days.
My period arrived yesterday (I am perimenopausal and haven't had a period in MONTHS!) so it goes a long way to explaining some of my bloating and possinly my suagr cravings.

I've been to see a friend this morning - baked brownies to take, ate one on purpose as it were then ognored all the others. Telling myself I was eating one, that was a planned part of my day and it was OK seemed to remove the desire to stuff them all in.

We are away next week, lots of fresh air, sea and walking on the sand. Can't wait!

I think those feelings show the extent to which binge eating can take over the brain which people who haven’t suffered from it can’t really understand. You know you don’t want to inhale twix bars and that you would much rather be slim but in the moment, your brain tells you that eating the twixes is the better option. Then, when the sugar high has gone, you feel bad because it wasn’t what you wanted after all. It’s like lots of other addictive behaviour where people know rationally that they don’t want to do it but can’t stop.

Could you do something like have a rule that when you want to binge on something, you tell yourself that you can have it but in 20 minutes? Then have a list of stuff to think about during those 20 minutes such as thinking about how you will feel afterwards and whether there is a third option which is having just one twix bar rather than all of them. That way, you’re not saying no, just that you’re going to think about it a bit more. Binge urges tend to hit you so fast that you don’t see them coming.

I like the idea of waiting 20 minutes - that will give me time to get distracted by crochet or sewing or a good book.
I also am thinking about getting a bracelet of some sort - either a silicon one I can twang or one with a bead that means something to me so that I can twang it, fiddle with it, look at it if the need to snarf all the sugar springs to mind.

Things I've noticed today is that, at the moment, eating a 'forbidden thing' 'on purpose' (eg a Brownie, having a sandwich and packet of crisps at lunch etc) means I am far LESS likely to then stuff my face like I might if I had NOT had the brownie. It's almost as if it takes the 'mystique' away.

Might you have been craving chocolate after cutting down on caffeine? I find I do when I quit Diet Coke.

Absolutely the best thing to do. Btw, there are some studies which show that Diet Coke et. al. increase desire for carbs. I know my own craving cycles tend to go in what I refer to as the “Waves of Three.” with the severity decreasing in order. I think of it as breaking addiction to sugar in my case. It starts with three minutes. If I can break three minutes, then the next step is three hours, then three days, three weeks, etc... I don’t know where this silly theory came from but it works for me, and I only do one thing at a time.

Found it! Thought I'd lost my thread because it fell off my list.
Anyway - updated positives and negatives.
We had a fabulous break - it was very chilled. No rushing around doing activities, just reading, crochet and time on the beach plus time with my dad - my step mum died recently so he's been struggling.
I ate nice food, tried to stop when full and managed not to binge eat when no one was looking.
I did gain weight but we were eating a lot more convenience type foods because a)I was on holiday so didn't want to be in the kitchen for hours and b) the kitchen was tiny so not much room for food prep.
Only 1.5lbs though.
However:
Since coming back I have been in a real funk - my dad has just been diagnosed with prostate cancer and I have been running through scenarios in my head about how he will cope with treatment etc (I'm an only child although I do have step siblings)
My mum told me she's been tested for cancer of the oesophagus so we are waiting for results.
I am really concerned about the effects CV19 would have on me give my obesity. I work as a TA in a primary school in a year 5/6 class. Obviously all school buildings are magic and the virus just can't come in but I am still stressed.
So I have lounged around a lot, slept badly and wasted most of each day and meal planning has gone out of the window.

My plan of action -
*open up my brand new 'Getting Healthy' notebook (every serious project needs a new and special notebook doesn't it?) and write down all the reasons I want/need to be healthy.
*write out next week's meal plan
*start re reading my two books
*start the 'pre incoming mother' tidy as she is due on Sunday for a few days whilst I am free from school germs!
*throw on some tunes and have a damn good dance for 10 mins or so.

It took me 30 years to get here. getting back again isn't going to be instant.

Good plan OP!

I’ve just come across your post OP and I anted to say I’ve been very similar to you all my adult life. Constantly trying to lose weigh, losing it (Slimming world) then putting even more back on again. I’m currently the heaviest I’ve ever been so I’m with you and need to make a change too.

Posted too soon - sounds like you’ve got a good plan there, good luck.

How are you getting on? do you have any support?

But .... it’s not that easy to lose weight. This whole thread seems to ignore that. Or rather, it’s not that easy to lose weight and keep it off.

It isn't losing the weight though, it's making permanent lifestyle changes in diet and exercise that people find hard. One woman I read about had a gastric band fitted. She said she went on diets but then put it all back when eating 'normally'. Trouble is her 'normal' was too little exercise and too many calories too often.

So, it's been a difficult few weeks.
Since 'relaxing' abouts dieting I have managed to knock bingeing pretty much on the head.
HOWEVER I managed to gain weight as well - tipping over into 17 stone last week.
Lots of soul searching and tears.
Have ditched the hypnosis tapes as I just fall asleep.
I am now low carbing and avoiding as many sugar free products as possible. I am also writing down what I eat and being mindful of my calories - trying to keep within my TDEE and BMR but not being really fierce. I am also using a plate that has a defined 'centre' and trying to keep my food in that centre. I visted my dad over the summer and found the plates we used when I was a child. I was shocked to see how small it was compared to the ones we use.
I'm now back down to 16 stone 9.5lbs
I feel back in control and actually better since dropping carbs - especially bread which gives me indigestion.
Since dropping bread my joints ache less.
My current goal is to get myself to a BMI below 40 as then I will be 'merely' obese rather than morbidly obese.

It’s so hard isn’t it. Keep going though you’re doing well. I’ve just started weight watchers (green plan) and it’s really opened my eyes to portion sizes. I was eat far too much so I’m trying to adjust to a normal portion size (hungry though)

Well done on getting back on track op

Are you managing any exercise?

Low carbing will shift the weight. You won't feel hungry and you will overcome the sugar binging if you stick with it.

Drink loads of water . Loads and loads. It helps.