Please help me I can’t take any more

[VoodooDonut]

I hate myself. Really REALLY hate myself. I don’t own scales because it’s a vicious circle but I’m getting fatter by the day. I’ve been on Slimfast now for a few weeks and I’m just getting larger and larger despite following it. I’m probably about 15 stone and must have gone up a dress size in lockdown. I don’t know what to do any more. I’m sat here in tears because I can’t take any more of this self-loathing. I’m a disgust and a joke. I try so hard not to eat! I just want to disappear. I’ve tried everything but I’m a disgusting ugly repulsive joke of a woman.

How do you do it? How do you lose weight? Slimfast was my last attempt but I must be eating even more calories than I was before, but I don’t understand how or why.

Jeans that just did up 2 weeks ago now won’t do up at all. I’m just and ugly blubbery mess. I just hit myself in the face while looking in the mirror because I despise myself so much. I’ve always been ugly and fat but now I’m 42 it’s crept up on me and I’m so ashamed.

Nothing works. I’m a joke. A weak pathetic fat disgusting worthless ugly joke. Pathetic.

I am so so sorry to hear that you feel this way OP. I have struggled with eating disorders since I was a teenager, and my weight has been up and down for years. I wish I could give you some advice, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone xx

You need help for your mental health issues before even thinking about weight and weight loss.

Have you talked with your doctor about this?
Please be kinder to yourself. You’ll find something that helps.

Start by making sure you only have healthy food in the house. Not WW high sugar, processed version of healthy food - actual healthy food like fruit, vegetables, salad, wholemeal pasta/rice. It's not eating that's the problem, it's eating too much or eating the wrong things.

Secondly, view food as fuel. Think about how much exercise you will be doing then do the exercise before you eat. Then only eat enough to make you feel like you've eaten, not so much you're actually stuffed. And do as much exercise as you can, it'll take time that you can't spend eating for a start! Even when I can't be bothered actually exercising I'm quite happy to put on some music and dance around.

I've lost 6 kg in lockdown so far.

You can do it. Treat every day as a new day. Believe you can.

Oh OP, you sound like you're in a tough phase
I'm 15 stone. I'd like to be less (and am working on that), but really I'm happy enough with myself. I know that my weight does not equal my value.
I'm hoping you can find some help to realise that what's on the scales isn't by a long a shot the most important thing about you

Op I too am feeling rather fat today. I know why I’m overweight and that is because I eat and drink too much and it needs to stop. So I’ve done an online shop, written down my starting weight and am planning to loose the excess slowly and steadily. What does a typical day look like for you?

It’s not an eating disorder, I’m just extremely fat. I don’t have a mental health problem currently, I had anxiety but it settled down. I was anti-depressants but because they were making me even fatter I came off them but I felt ok to do so at the time.

I’ve been to and from the Drs over the years. I tired xenacal once and it was ok. At my lightest I’ve been about 12 stone and I’m happy there but putting in at least 4 stone has floored me. I refuse to be kind to myself, I don’t deserve it. Being kind is probably what makes me this obese. I need to be cruel but I need to have the will power and because I’m such a pathetic weak waste of human skin then I never succeed.

I just need to know the secret to stop eating whatever I’m eating too much of. I absolutely swear I don’t sit on my arse all day eating mars bars and crisps then take aways for tea. I calorie count and I make the effort to exercise for at least an hour a day.

I just don’t understand what’s happening. What’s wrong with me?

I see my reflection and it makes me sick. I have an ugly sagging face but it’s my body that is the worst.

You need help with your mental health Voodoo. I don't think you will be able to lose weight until you care about yourself a lot more.

Are you saying you are gaining weight rapidly even though your calories are strictly under control? If you are honestly keeping to something like 1500 calories a day or less but still gaining weight then you need to see your GP, when you can, for a hormone check.

Meanwhile, what can you do to distract yourself from the constant thoughts about weight and dieting? Can you find some other more productive thing to divert your internal monologue to? Maybe a mindfulness app or generally reading up on mindfulness and yoga and maybe trying a home yoga workout? Something like that. Please try not to let your weight overwhelm you!

How tall are you? I say this because im 5'11" and at my lightest i was 12 stone but looked awful. You have to go by your body type also. X

I'm genuinely so sorry that you feel like that about yourself. I get it. I really do. When you desperately want to change a part of yourself and haven't succeeded over such a long time.

I used to have a binge eating/ bulimia problem. Sometimes my dinner would be cake/ chocolate and ice-cream. After a decade of this I realised if I didn't change I would always be like this. This is what I did. First thing, I didn't see it as losing weight but getting my eating under control and learning to eat like normal people. Second thing, I knew it was a long haul. I knew I would fail and backslide and to accept that as part of the process rather than hating on myself for being weak and giving up. Instead I woudl accept it and keep going.
I didn't exclude any foods. Instead I ate in moderation. I bought a side plate and used that for portion control. I ate all meals off that. I kept to eating at meal times only. If I really needed a snack it would fruit/nuts or oatcake. Something slow energy releasing. My goal was to get in tune with my natural appetite - to know when I was hungry and when I was sated and to stop eating. I didn't keep any cakes/ sweets etc in the house. It took a year, but I did finally get back in tune with my natural appetite, and now I eat without stress, and naturally regulate my food without thinking about it. I don't know if that will help, but it is what I did. Good luck OP,.

Just read your update. If you eat normally and exercise but are still overweight - could there be an underlying problem that causes you to gain weight easily?.

Thank you for your advice. I’m just being honest here. No one in real life knows I feel like this. I’ve always hated myself but I just don’t know where the last 10 years have gone and how I’ve ended up this low. I’ve only a few years to go until I hit 59 and if I’m this awful now, how bad will I be then? I can’t deal with it. I’ve wasted my life hating my body because I’m so fat and worthless, and now it’s caught up with me even harder than I expected it too.

I’m so ashamed. I know I have hormone issues but what can a doctor do? I’ve always had them and they don’t help me. I’ve had bloods gone in the past with this issue and they gone back negative. I’m just told to healthy eat and I do try. Maybe a couple of times a month I do eat chocolate or crisps. I’ve had 2 takeaways in the last 3 months. I’ve 3 teenage children but I don’t sit and stuff my face with their treats. I fact I hardly buy them treats. They are all slim and fit.

I’m 5’9.

I’ve tried so so so hard I had hoped to have lost a few lbs at least not put on so much more. It just breaks my heart. I’m exhausted by such a lifetime of self loathing! (It doesn’t improve with ADs either, which is why I know this isn’t something connected to mental health!)

What did you eat yesterday OP as a guide?

@voodooDonut I feel your pain and I’ve been there. I too am 5’9. I weigh a couple of stones more than you and I am 47. I have felt pretty much as you describe. But the secret is that you have to be nicer to yourself and love yourself. If you don’t then no one can... but they will! Smile and relax. Then people will love you for being you! My husband adores me fat and all! I never would have believed it when I was younger. En love curvy happy relaxed and confident ladies! Last year I got married and now I’m pregnant! Yes at my age! Please don’t give up. Treat this as a watershed moment. Everything can change really fast! I pray it does for you. Xx

How can I love myself? I’m horrible? I’m disgusting and I’m a joke! I get that people are able to do so, but I’m worthy of nothing. I will never ever ever like myself until I can work out how to succeed with losing weight. Why the methods I used after pregnancy don’t work any more are s total mystery.

I’m worthless.

Typos . That should say men love curves! Many men do! And you are tall so accentuate the positive! Lose weight slowly by exercising and eating healthily if you really want to. But you will be happier by accepting you and working on being happy and confident. Confidence is sexy.
Be nice to yourself please and don’t hit yourself. ((Hugs)) xxx

Sorry to hear this OP. My best advice is to stop putting the focus in food. With things like Slimfast and Weight Watchers you think about calories all day long. It is the WORST MYTH about the diet industry and makes me cross. And follow the body positive movement... Instagrammers like Mollie Forbes just flip all this diet culture on it's head and every time I see one of her posts I feel better about myself.

Learn to eat to nourish yourself, work on your mentality around food, rediscover the joy of self-care. Spending an evening having a gorgeous bath with oils and candles just stops me feeling hungry. And move your body for fun... Run, walk, dance... rather than a tick box exercise of 60 spin class. You don't need to hate yourself and you have the power to make yourself feel better. You can do this OP X

You are not worthless.
Praying for you

Op my heart goes out to you, it's our bloody age that doesn't help.
Hormones all over the place, none of us getting enough of a boost mentally because of this difficult unprecedented time.

I've piled on 10lbs, cannot look at myself.
I ate healthier last week and was so looking forward to seeing some reward on the scales.

I put on 2 more pounds.
I was fucking raging.

Have a good sob, don't hate yourself though.
Try and be kinder to yourself.

What are the things you pick at? For me it's been bloody rich tea biscuits.
Ridiculous, they're not that great.
It's so hard, the weather is nicer and suddenly we're all looking in wardrobes thinking FFS.

Xx

@op if you have some spare cash I'd really recommend a registered nutritionist. Lots are doing it via zoom now and they can offer tailored advice. Check out people like Rhiannon Lambert for advice too. It's all about making small changes to live a healthier lifestyle to help to lose weight and keep it off, but also to nourish the body too :)

Oh dear op I've just read your updates, sorry. I think working on your own self esteem would be the first thing and most important too

You are punishing yourself for being fat by eating more. It won’t stop until you feel better about yourself. Some people can be happy and even healthy while overweight.

Have a look at the book Happy Fat by Sofie Hagen. It talks about where all this pressure to look thin comes from. It’s worth a try.