Why can't I stick to anything?

[Psychologika]

For context: I'm 36, 5'8" and weigh 115kg. I've only become overweight in the last 3 years (combination of divorce and giving up smoking). I've always been at BMI of 23 for my whole adult life up until then.

I hate how I look, I really want to get back to being healthy, but I just can't do it. I've started many different ways of eating (low carb high fat, 5:2, intermittent fasting, calorie counting etc), and I can't stick to anything beyond about 3 days. I'm of the opinion that any of these things will work, as long as you're consistent so it's not about finding the perfect diet, as it were.

Why can't I do it? I'm miserable and it's impacting on my mental health, but I just can't do it. I eat too much of everything and drink a bottle of wine a night. I have given up the wine in the past but find myself replacing it with more food, so the impact on my weight has been zero.

I'm now so overweight that it just feels like losing it all will be impossible. How do I find the motivation?

I'm 5ft 6 and 18st13lb.
I used to be 10st 10lb yet over that past 4 years I've ballooned.

I feel the same, so I've started following slimming world at the moment so hopefully I can stick to it, I've stopped snacking which I think helps but fill myself up on my main meals.

I think you need to start with giving up the wine. A bottle a night isn’t doing your physical or mental health any good.
Find something to replace the ritual of wine so another drink maybe. Preferably non alcoholic.

Do you eat too many carbs? It might be worth cutting down certain food like bread and sugar.

Is there something else going on in your life that you’re blocking out? Sometimes food and alcohol are used to block out emotions or distract us from feeling some emotions.
You may be able to find another way of coping with emotional difficulties.

Yep- same here. No ability to stick at it.
Stupid thing is- that I quite enjoy using my fitness pal- never feel hard done by, and like eating healthily.
Willpower and motivation- issues.

Well, I'm probably being very insensitive but I think the answer is - because you don't really want to. Something about the way you are, what you do, the feeling it gives you, is very comforting and you're clinging to that.

Every time you reach the point when changes are just beginning and starting to be felt, you stop.

Sometimes feeling different, and success, are very scary.

@lottiegarbanzo that's not insensitive at all - I think that's a really useful point for me to think about.

@Foghead yes, I hear you. But then a part of me thinks fatty liver and alcoholic liver have the same effects, does it matter?

I think a bit part of my problem is that I feel so stressed, all of the time. My job is stressful. I find my DD very stressful. It's easier to eat what I want and drink wine than not. But I don't know how to change that.

Oh and @Foghead yes I eat too many carbs, I eat too much of everything

I would suggest making changes that don't actually change your life for you, so that you don't need to find the motivation, if that makes sense? For example:
Find snacks that are lower in calories than your current ones. So you can continue to snack as normal, but the snacks will be less calorific. Find lower calorie recipes online for your favourite dinners.

• Don't stop drinking wine, but alternate each glass of wine with a glass of water/soda water.
• Switch out all your soft drinks for the diet versions.
• Switch your meal ingredients for lower calorie versions (skimmed milk, reduced fat cheese etc)
• Make your desserts stretch further (so if you'd normally eat a tub of ice cream in two sittings, then start portioning out 1/4 of a tub into a bowl instead to make it last for 4 sittings).
• Have chewing gum in the house for times where you want "something" in your mouth, but it doesn't have to be food.
• And last of all, HYDRATE HYDRATE HYDRATE. Particularly now that we're in lockdown so you're always in close proximity to a toilet at the start whilst your body gets used to it! I try to drink a pint of water (or rather sugar free squash, I'm working on trying to switch to plain water...) between each meal and with each meal.

I gained nearly 2 dress sizes after having my DS and slimming world really helped. You can still have a bit of alcohol or chocolate if you want it as long as you count syns. It has really worked for me and I was losing 1-2lbs per week without ever feeling hungry and I wasn’t exercising either. Plus the meals are healthy for all the family so I don’t have to cook separate meals for anybody. I tried a couple of other diets beforehand and I hated it and gave up after a couple of days. (Calorie counting and 5:2 etc). I like the rules of slimming world I find it quite easy to stick to.

I went from a size 14 to a size 10 in 7 weeks.

OP you say regarding weight loss "I just can't do it". That's where you start - with that thought. Because that thought, I assume, means you feel deflated or useless. If you feel useless you're not in the correct place to take meaningful action.

Furthermore it sounds as though you're so stuck in your story (“I just can't do it”) that this beats you down even more. The more you reinforce the thought that you can't do it, the more you're going to overeat because you tell yourself you can't change. It's a nasty cycle.

But most of all you need to stop beating yourself up about past failures (for they are past), show yourself some compassion and start by redirecting your brain.

Here are a couple of suggestions you can get to work on this straight away:

1. The next time you find yourself giving in and eating when you know you really don't want to, ask yourself: What thought was I thinking just before I grabbed for the bottle of wine/pizza/whatever. Just that: what thought was I thinking? Write it down.

2. Ask yourself - how does that thought make me FEEL? Write down the emotion.

I can fill you in on steps 3 onwards later, but don't want to overwhelm. If you're willing to give this a go, for now just observe your mind when you are eating/drinking in a way you do not like and note down your thoughts. We can take it from there when you have that info - how does that sound?

I know you can do this.

@annacharles111 thank you. I can certainly give it a try!

@annacharles111 I think I am fine during the day, but come the evening when I'm tired and stressed, I just think "sod it, life's hard enough without dieting too".

How about flipping that thinking into ‘life is stressful as it is, I need to be healthy so I can deal with it and feel happier’

Instead of thinking of dieting, think of how to nourish your body, instead of abusing it.
Think of what you should be eating more of, instead of less of.

If you include at least 5 portions of fruit and veg a day, some lean protein, some good carbs and 8 glasses of water then the idea is, that you won’t have much need or capacity for all the junk. A little bit is fine so don’t deny yourself, just prioritise good nourishing food that your body requires to be healthy.

You deserve to be happy, not miserable.

OP Completely understand, you're not the first to lose motivation as the day wears on (been there, done that, bought the t-shirt! :-)), but take a look at that last thought "sod it, life's hard enough without dieting too". How does that make you feel? Even more useless and less likely to take action, I would assume? So guess what - you don't take action.

But let's not get too far ahead. For now, just do 1) and 2) above. It sounds like this may be more evening-based, but do go through the exercise. And try to be as specific as possible. This will really help you to spot what's going on in your brain. This is important for later when you start to tell it what you want it to think!

And don't be too hard on yourself. Don't beat yourself up. That does not help. Show yourself compassion and start to become aware of your thoughts. That's all for now.

Thanks both. I'm willing to give both things a try.

...and what a great new thought that is, OP. You're on the road already!

I was a bit overweight and just like you - I tried shit loads of diets and nothing worked. Try Noom - it might seem expensive but it works. And it works because it is based on psychology. It worked for me - I still have some way to go to get to my target weight but I am 2/3 there and almost, just almost below the 'overweight' category on the BMi chart.

@annacharles111 I've done that, what do you recommend next?

I've been through this, and conquered it. You sound as though you've had a difficult few years, and maybe also you have a lot of responsibilities. Those are the reasons you are struggling.,

I would suggest you try to find some time in your day and week to care for yourself. If you get into the habit of doing that, and trying to build your self esteem-wherever it is now-the weight loss will follow.

In terms of giving things up, the best way is to stop your bad habits in the order in which they will kill you. Depending on your habits, that is

Smoking
Drinking
Overeating

You simply can't lose weight drinking a bottle of wine a days and anyway it makes you hungry. The after effects of the alcohol will undermine any efforts you make.

For now, why don't you log what you eat oh MyFitnessPal. It is free. You'll soon see where you could make easy changes by doing that, and it will be a calorie and nutrition education, whatever your prior knowledge. But crucial, start to address that wine habit.

I'm the same and agree with you, OP. Most diets would work if people could stick to them. You should definitely try and knock the wine on the head though - that much booze will affect your sleep and mental state and give you even less motivation.

I've read a gazillion diet books etc, but I always think one of the best bits of advice is to cut out snacking by rewarding yourself with other things. It's easier to replace an action with an alternative action than to just stop it. When you're tempted by snacking on unhealthy stuff when you know you're not hungry, go and do something else enjoyable instead, even if it's just reading for 10 mins or looking at nice clothes online or whatever floats your boat.

Okay. How about no wine on school nights? Or do I need to completely stop? I am a bit dependent because the thought of not having wine in the evening makes me a bit sad!

@onlinelinda but what about the fact that when I don't drink wine I just replace it with other stuff (like more food or puddings which I don't bother with when I drink)?

I am a bit dependent because the thought of not having wine in the evening makes me a bit sad!

That in itself is a bit of a worry. Maybe have a couple of weeks off altogether and then strictly only Friday and Saturday?

@lazylinguist yes, that's a good idea

It works quite well when I actually remember to do it. I sometimes use the same method to make me go on my phone less. For example I love knitting, but normally only allow myself time to do it in the evening. Sitting and knitting a few rows in the afternoon feels kind of indulgent, an acceptable exchange for eating biscuits and definitely more enjoyable than staring at my phone screen.