Desperately worried about my sister's weight - how to tell her?

[missludgatecircus]

I know its very hard to tell someone that he or she is fat but I am seriously concerned about my sister. She is 35 (2.5 years younger than me) and very overweight. I don't know how much she weighs but certainly is at least a size 16 at about 5'4. She has a 'camel hump' on her neck as if all the other places for fat are full.

For the record, I am also prone to weight gain but I enjoy exercising (weights & yoga) and although I love food too, can be disciplined about not always eating exactly what and how much I want. I am in relatively good shape - a size 10 and muscly, with a little bit of belly fat. But I always have to work at it - am not naturally skinny by any stretch.

She has always been chubby, loves her food - as a small child the family joke was that she was always the first to the table. She has lost a few kilos here and there but it has never 'stuck'. She does cycle a bit on the weekends, and tries to go out for walk. But her job revolves around food, and she is a an excellent cook/baker. I think she gets a lot of fulfillment from eating and food in general.

The problem is, she carries her weight in thr worse place possible - her stomach. she literally has a huge swollen belly. This type of fat is strongly linked to all sorts of health problems and I am getting more and more worried for her.

Is there any way I can approach her to without sounding judgemental/snobbish/cruel, and explain that I am worried that without getting a grip on her size she will suffer? Please advise!

Is she unhappy about her weight ? If so suggest what she can do about it if not leave her be.

Do you have any unhealthy habits? Smoking for example, or drinking alcohol, maybe caffeine, or a need to do more exercise?

The way my best friend approached the subject with me was to say we could support each other. I would support her giving up smoking, she would support me losing weight.

As it turned out she was smoking again within 3 weeks. But by that point my mindset had changed towards healthy living so I carried on with my weight loss.

And for the record, I'd be "desperately worried" about someone who was size 24 or so - likely to be morbidly obese. At size 16 she is likely to be 'merely' overweight or only just obese. It's not healthy, but it's also not dire.

I have a similar problem with my neck...it's due to a slight spinal curve. I'm average size so it isn't necessarily due to her weight.

She's a size 16... and bike rides so not totally unfit. Id hesitate before telling her you have more restraint than she does. She'll know her size. Id wait and see if she mentions it then offer to go to on a bike ride with her once a week etc.

What would be the point of talking to her? Do you think she hasn't noticed she's fat? Trust me, we know.

Do you think she is truly unaware?
Or is it that you want her to know that you are worried?

You sound nasty and judgemental, a whole size 16? wow, she must be ginormous

'The other places for fat are full'

That's quite spiteful really for a sister. If she's a 16 she's overweight not a shut in.

Just leave her be, your judgement will he seeping out of whatever you say.

Your sister will, without doubt, know she is over weight. She will also know that being over weight is bad for you. However, she is an adult and will lose weight as and when she wants too. If she likes food and dislikes exercise and would prefer to eat and chill and be fat then that is her choice.

I appreciate you are worried (my DF is clinically obese), but she is a fully grown adult and her body size is her business. Not yours.

Do you really think that she’s managing to get through life without looking down, looking in a mirror or reading her clothes labels?

That she’s somehow unaware that she’s overweight? Or that it’s unhealthy?

Really? She knows.

If she wanted you to make her feel shitty about it, I’m sure she’d bring it up.

I think you should keep out of it. Do you seriously think she doesn't realise she is overweight? Do you think she is stupid as well as fat? Your 'concerns' are misjudged and your comments are nasty. If it was that easy to not be fat, none of us would be.

I am defnitely not judgemental or spiteful. I love her and want her to be healthy and happy and live a long long time. Fat in the mid section is dangerous.

I understand that 16 isn't 'shut-in' levels of fat - i know we are not talking about fire engines breaking down the door but she is clearly too heavy for her her height.

I am sure she knows she is fat. She goes on diets/logs on MFP but only sporadically. I have never ever ever mentioned anything about her weight. I have in the past cheered her on for exercise and shared apps that I use for weightlifting. I guess I wonder if me saying something, finally, might help her make the decision to do something.

I want to help - as I said I have been overweight in the past and work at it every day to stay the size I am. I tried crash diets and all sorts, until learning about weightlifting and macro counting.

I think she is a bit lost and feels overwhelmed at the prospect of a months chugging away at portion control and whatnot. Her partner is also a bit weird about food so I expect that doesnt help.

@FATEDestiny - I am TTC starting in January so have embarked on cleaning up my alcohol intake and being more committed to yoga classes. I guess maybe I could share that with her and ask her to help her support my efforts.

Leave her alone.

I suspect she already knows what she weighs and what sized clothes she wears!

Thank you, I guess the consensus is that there is nothing I can say or do that would help at all.

I will carry on being supportive when she mentions diets or exercise and will keep my mouth shut about her size.

Good decision OP.

You don’t.

My mother took my getting engaged as an opportunity to lecture me about my weight. I made DH read the letter she sent me, he told me not to. I have never quite forgiven her.

Is there any way I can approach her to without sounding judgemental/snobbish/cruel, and explain that I am worried that without getting a grip on her size she will suffer?

No there isn't. You do sound judgemental, snobbish and cruel.

She knows how big she is, and the last thing she needs is her nasty sister "saying something".

I'm decades older than you or your sister, have always been as big / bigger than her, and amazingly enough I've never "suffered" as you assume.

I really am not spiteful or unkind. I didn't think my language was that bad but I apologise if it is. I do know her and I think it's quite obvious she is unhappy with her weight. But like I said I have taken on board the responses and won't say anything.

I just thought maybe if I said something about how worried I was she might listen. When I was overweight I had a conversation with a friend about health and bodies and seizing life and that really inspired me to do something about it. But we are all different people and clearly what worked for me won't work for her.

I wish I was a size 16 . Your sister knows she is overweight (speaking from experience). Utterances of concern from relatives, even done in a kind way, will not make a person get off their duff and starting eating correctly. Well, they did in your case, but I suspect that you are an exception. They just make the person feel even worse. I'm afraid that this is something that is going to have to come within her. She'll have to decide when to start on that journey. Is your sister perhaps mildly depressed? I know that, in my case, it has contributed to my current state. I think that just being supportive of your sister, no matter her weight, is the best thing that you can do.

I thought you were going to say size 26. She’s size 16. Not ideal but basically manageable and fine. Don’t say anything.

I am pretty sure she is depressed. But hides it very well.

And that's probably an even worse idea to suggest that to her!

Thanks for the responses though. Weight is such a difficult subject and so personal and tied up with emotions and dynamics.

The other places for fat are full

That is a very unpleasant thing to say.

She’s a size 16. I’m sure she is aware of her size.

A ‘buffalo hump’ fat distribution is often associated with cushings disease.

That's what I am worried about. I know the Buffalo hump is associated with Cushing disease. I had an autoimmune illness related to the adrenal glands a few years ago myself so am aware of these types of issues.

That's really what has prompted this level of concern. I'm worried that her weight is disguising a bigger problem I.e Cushings.

But she has just been to the gp to have her contraception renewed - wouldn't the nurse have said something if she was concerned?

OP if you had started this thread with 'I think my sister might have Cushings disease' the responses would have been quite different.

@missvietor

Yes I can see that. But I guess I didn't want to lead with hey sister I think you have an awful disease that involves lots of tests and a serious surgery. I'm not a doctor!

But the question is still the same - how can I say you look unwell and I think it's this. She will ask me what makes me look unwell?? So we are back to the "you're fat" comment which is exactly what I don't want to say.

And yet you didn’t start your OP with this, but with an image of fat literally being unable to be contained within her body.

There are plenty of other symptoms of adrenal issues as you will no doubt know. Discuss your own health with her, discuss that you’re worried it can run in families and ask if she suffers from any of the symptoms.

I’m afraid from your OP it just sounds like she disgusts you.