Desperately worried about my sister's weight - how to tell her?

[missludgatecircus]

I know its very hard to tell someone that he or she is fat but I am seriously concerned about my sister. She is 35 (2.5 years younger than me) and very overweight. I don't know how much she weighs but certainly is at least a size 16 at about 5'4. She has a 'camel hump' on her neck as if all the other places for fat are full.

For the record, I am also prone to weight gain but I enjoy exercising (weights & yoga) and although I love food too, can be disciplined about not always eating exactly what and how much I want. I am in relatively good shape - a size 10 and muscly, with a little bit of belly fat. But I always have to work at it - am not naturally skinny by any stretch.

She has always been chubby, loves her food - as a small child the family joke was that she was always the first to the table. She has lost a few kilos here and there but it has never 'stuck'. She does cycle a bit on the weekends, and tries to go out for walk. But her job revolves around food, and she is a an excellent cook/baker. I think she gets a lot of fulfillment from eating and food in general.

The problem is, she carries her weight in thr worse place possible - her stomach. she literally has a huge swollen belly. This type of fat is strongly linked to all sorts of health problems and I am getting more and more worried for her.

Is there any way I can approach her to without sounding judgemental/snobbish/cruel, and explain that I am worried that without getting a grip on her size she will suffer? Please advise!

I've apologised for my earlier language. I was trying to be descriptive - she is a petite person and to me it does look like she is overwhelmed by body fat. I wasn't trying to be judgemental just describe how she doesn't "carry" it well.

Maybe I should ask for this thread to be deleted and start again with asking for advice on how to bring up Cushings to her.

My adrenal disorder was caused by medecine - so I'm not sure using family history will help. But I will come up with a way to discuss Cushings.

overwhelmed by body fat.

Nice. Please don’t say that to her. She’s a size 16, and if she’s short she’s overweight but ‘overwhelmed by body fat?’ That’s really awful.

I would suggest you look dispassionately at the dynamic between you. And not mention her weight.

OP, first rule of MN is that no one can ever make any kind of comment about anyone's Wright without being accused of being cruel, spiteful, jealous, vindictive, etc. none of which I take from your OP.

In the real world, I think mentioning something is entirely appropriate if you do it gently and make it clear it's coming from a place of love. And ignore the "she's only a size 16 so she's fine." Again, in real life, 5'4 and size 16 is likely very overweight. I would be concerned too. Good luck with your conversation.

I actually do know what you mean about there not being anywhere else for the fat to go and I didn’t take it in a mean way. But I think it’s quite a leap to go from her specific body shape to she’s got Cushing’s disease. Some people have big bellies and twig legs - they mostly don’t have ovarian cancer.

If you want to raise your family history of adrenal issues then that’s another thing. But that’s not about her weight or fitness which sound unremarkable if not ideal.

OP, it sounds like you care and I would feel the same in your position. There's a strange attitude on MN where just because a size 16 is the average these days it's perfectly fine and not really that big. Thing is, just because it's common (as in prevalent) doesn't make it ok. I think trying to help your sister is a kind thing, although I'm not sure what to advise about how to do it

You don’t need to tell her. She knows.

Without being rude is there a more tactful member of the family that could talk to her? Based on your posts I just don't think it would come out in a "worried about you way". I do think it is coming from a good place but your language is a bit offensive.

So she is the same size as the average woman in the UK? Your attitude to weight seems extremely disordered.

The "buffalo hump" is most likely postural kyphosis, its a slight curvature of thw spine and is linked to bad posture. I have it from working at computers for the last 18 years and having bad eyesight which causes me to lean forwards to see the screen.

She would benefit from some physio if thats the case, you may be able t o help her there by asking if she has back pain or a lot of tension in her neck.

I am overweight (partly due to some recent medical issues and also depression) and have a very smug sister who has lost lots of weight and is very fit. I have to listen to her lecturing enough on Facebook and if she directed her advice to me, I think it may end our relationship. Luckily she knows me well so wouldn’t.

With regards to the possible medical condition, that is entirely different but I am struggling to think of a way for you to raise it that doesn’t start with ‘you know your hump of fat...’. Tricky one.

The best thing you can do is is to involve her in healthy things with you - sports, exercise, walks, bike rides etc. Whilst you are right to be concerned, it is not ideal to discuss unless she brings it up as she may take it very badly.

I'm that size and I would far rather someone saying why don't you join me at Zumba/running club/I have a weeks gym pass for 2 than "gosh you are so much fatter than me and look how healthy living I've become " too preachy but I appreciate being dragged along as I know I lack willpower

I was similarly worried about my dbro and dsil. They were overweight and looked really unhealthy on it. I didn't say anything to them because what's the point? Or was hardly going to be a revelation to them. Anyway, my bro was diagnosed as diabetic at 40 which is young even for my family. He completely turned it around, cut calories and managed to stop his medication within a year. I'm not saying wait until she is ill, but people have to find their own path. Telling her something she already knows won't help.

So she is the same size as the average woman in the UK. Your attitude to weight seems extremely disordered
No it doesn't. The average woman in the UK is overweight or obese and the OP is right to be concerned about her sister's health, though of course her sister might not want to hear it.

She won't like you telling her.

And only the OP knows her sister. I'm about 5'3" and have been a 16. I was a 16 when I started slimming world the first time at 17st.

I lost 3 stone (put it all back on recently but working on it again now) but never lost a dress size. Really I wasn't a 16 I was an 18 possibly a 20 but I refused to admit that and kept buying 16s.

If you do the maths, I am morbidly obese. Some people are shocked when I hint at what I weigh.

It's slightly off topic the above, but we can't see the OPs sister to know.

My mum has pulled me aside and had this conversation. She told me she's worried, she wanted me to realise even though I knew, there was shallow things like honestly you just don't look good like this, and more worrying things like your heart, your fitness, your joints. She offered to pay for me to join a slimming club.

I will say, have the conversation the once, take her lead as to what support and motivation she needs and then drop. My mum keeps bringing it up, and it hasn't helped. It's been a busy year, and I planned getting back on track when I was ready.

As triwarrior says MN isn't always the best place to get advice about weight as it's such an emotive topic. For what it's worth I too know what you mean about her frame looking "overwhelmed" - dress size is largely irrelevant, two people can take the same dress size with hugely different shapes.

Personally, I don't think it will help to say anything. I'd worry that however you phrase it, it won't make a difference, and that it will damage your relationship. It depends on her personality though. If it were me I don't believe someone expressing concern about me would cause me to change my behaviour, but I'm a stubborn person - you'll have to be the best judge of how you think she'll react. If you can honestly see her reacting positively to it then it's worth giving it a whirl, but blimey, difficult to know how to approach it.

in real life, 5'4 and size 16 is likely very overweight

I'm a size 16 and 5' 4 and I'm in the normal weight category. But I'm am wide and muscly with big hips and tits. Has she a particularly tiny frame?

So I actually called my sister last night. I took on board the feedback from posters here. I truly am not spiteful or mean, just very worried.

So I approached it from the perspective that I see she goes on diets and/or exercises but doesnt' seem to be getting very far. I know she had been using an inhaled steroid for asthma for many years, so I thought that was a good way to bring up the possibility of Cushings Syndrome. She was very receptive and said she would research it and see if she wanted to pursue some cortisol tests via the GP.

For the record, she did say to me that yes while she does sporadically log her food/go on bike rides, she also knows she eats too much: in her words "don't underestimate the greediness factor" when it comes to my weight.

We left the conversation in a really good place, she will come back to me on what she tihnks about the doctor and we will take it from there.

I really do appreciate the time everyone took to answer me. I know myself how fraught talking about weight and bodies can be and will continue to think about how I can frame things better for myself! Let alone for other people.

Sounds like you approached it very tactfully and she took it really well - well done. I know another poster mentioned it, but do you really think the Cushings thing is a concern, or was that a sort of vehicle to get the conversation going?

Gosh. Well I’m sure that made her feel fabulous. If someone had done that to me I’d have been polite on the phone then cried afterwards.

greedygorb why would she have a tiny frame? Size 16 clothes in most shops are pretty big, in fact probably what would have been 18-20 before vanity sizing was a thing. I'm 5'4" , still in the overweight category (by 4 pounds) and fit quite easily into 12s, apart from a few size 14 tops. I have a medium frame and good muscle tone due to a lot of swimming.

I clicked on this thread expecting your sister to be underweight, or morbidly obese

noeffing because if she has a tiny frame but takes a size 16 then it's probably a lot more body fat than someone with a larger frame in a 16. The poster was saying 16 isn't necessarily that large, unless you have a tiny frame.

Gosh I might have joked similarly bit felt awful afterwards. Is there a history of competition between you?

It sounds like you might have some issues with weight and food/disordered approach to eating yourself?

Fwiw most diets leave people fatter than before they started. Weight gain and obesity is multifaceted and not a quick easy fix.

Hi OP,
Speaking from an overweight person's perspective. I have lots of sisters all of whom are slim. They have been slim all their lives. I have been overweight all my life. I don't know why I am different to them, I am active, have a healthy diet 90% of the time but in times of stress I over eat, in the same way an addict turns to whatever their addiction is, for comfort. I don't take kindly to them pointing out where I am going wrong with my weight. We are all close but they have no idea I suffer depression and take medication nor do my adult children know I take anti depressants. Therefore, they cannot fully understand my relationship with food.

So my advice...........say nothing.