Is it time to accept my weight and move on?

[fireplacetiles]

I am 51 5ft 4ish and weigh 12 stone 1. I have lost and regained the same 1-2 stones over the last 10 years and frankly it is making me miserable. First thing i think about every morning is what I'm going to not eat today☹️I have done WW, fasting, low carb, keto, cabbage soup, low fat, all the diets. I am active, I run, dance, do pilates-unless i totally starve myself and watch every tiny mouthful I go straight back to 12, 1. Week away, all back on. Christmas, birthday, work conference, same thing, back to the same weight. I am sick of it filling my head space all the time. I carry a big chunk of the weight on my belly (just like my mother, who died of breast cancer) which worries me, im pretty slim elsewhere. What is the way forward? Please don't just recommend another diet, I have done them and they make me miserable, thanks for reading x

Have you considered just giving up dieting? It’s not working for you, you’re miserable doing it, is 12st 1 really so bad if you are otherwise healthy and active? I would recommend looking at Rebelfit’s FB page, they have an anti diet approach.

Stop dieting. As soon as you deprive yourself it becomes a negative cycle. Look into intuitive eating.

When you aren’t dieting what is your diet like and your portion control?
I feel your pain as it’s so hard to lose weight and keep it off. So easy to put it on though!

No don't accept it if you're not happy (and you don't sound happy with your weight). Give low carbing another try - it's fab! I wake up on a morning and don't think "what can't I eat today" - I wake up and think "shall I have a fry up with sausages, eggs, mushrooms, bacon and tomatoes or shall I have raspberries and cream" - it's bloody wonderful. I am 5'6" and early fifties and 9 stone 3 and I never feel deprived. Just get yourself a good low carb cookbook (the one below is brilliant) and get organised, make stuff for your freezer, fill your fridge with low carb goodies and enjoy your food and lose weight at the same time. If a greedy pig like me can do it anyone can! I have lots of Indian takeaways too - just lovely curries and veggie side dishes but no rice or naan or popadoms.
www.ebay.co.uk/p/Neris-and-Indias-Idiot-Proof-Diet-Cookbook-by-India-Knight-Bee-Rawlinson-Neris-Thomas-Hardback-2008/88712407?iid=163124706397&chn=ps&adgroupid=55749441481&rlsatarget=pla-414494482457&abcId=1133946&adtype=pla&merchantid=6995734&poi=&googleloc=9045588&device=c&campaignid=1057750301&crdt=0

What do you eat in a day that you’re not dieting?

Stop dieting Start listening to your body.Eat when you are hungry stop when you start feeling full. Eat a healthy diet keep active. I started my first diet when I was eighteen stopped when I was fifty.Like you I gained and lost the same several stones over and over. My weight has now stablized at a weight which is within a healthy range. I feel so much happier about my body.

If you're going to give up, then just monitor it to make sure you don't put on more weight. Tell yourself 12 stone and no more.

Of course you should accept it if you are happy at your weight or think you could be.

If you are not happy, then don't accept it.

Reading your post, it sounds like you are constantly "dieting" which nobody can sustain forever and becsuse you've not addressed your actual eating habits, when you've stopped dieting and revert to your normal eating habits you put the weight back on.

If you want to lose weight you need to stop dieting and reassess your eating habits.

What are your triggers? My main one is lack of planning. So I make rough meal plans.
What are your weaknesses? Mine is chocolate (such a cliche!). I'm very greedy with it so buy it one small bar at a time. If I buy a pack, I will eat it all at once so I just buy what I plan to eat.
What is your motivation? I'm struggling with this one a bit but when I know where I want to be and why it is a lot easier.

Thanks everyone, crazy busy week so just reading this. My diet day to day is pretty healthy, i do 16:8 fasting and have done for ages, have never been a breakfast fan so suits me, so I basically eat 2 meals a day. I will have eggs or yogurt and fruit at lunchtime, full fat everything which i think is healthier. Evening meal is curry, protein and veg, big salad and chicken. I don't have a huge appetite, if i snack I have nuts, dried fruit, dark chocolate, the odd bag of crisps. I don't drink unless at a wedding or party, 2 or 3 cups of coffee a day, tons of water. I'm pretty healthy, can't remember the last cold I had or day of illness. I exercise every weekday morning for about an hour, 2 runs, pilates class and 2 dance classes. I feel like I'm doing everything right but then see this fat saggy tummy which ruins the shape of everything i want to wear and i just feel crap.

OP
This is going to sound harsh.

You are deluding yourself.

You exercise every day for an hour
You eat very healthily and only twice a day
You hardly snack and when you do it’s healthy stuff
You very rarely drink alcohol

Supposedly

I don’t think you’re being honest with us and, much more importantly, yourself.

And ultimately you’re losing out because of it

Nope sorry nothing delusional about it, i have probably had 6 drinks this year in total, not that keen on alcohol tbh. The exercise is part of my routine, i have a computer based job which means I'm sat down all afternoon so I exercise after school drop off, do my housework, then work in the afternoon, my first meal of the day is sat at my computer around 12ish checking my emails and then with my family around 6pm. Dont eat after 8pm. I'm not a saint if i'm out with friends i will have cake with my coffee but none of this is really the point, im guessing what im asking is how i learn to accept that this is it, im not going to change and how to make that ok with myself.

Given your age, the tummy fat could be hormonal, menopause-related and I'm not sure what you can do about that, given how much you already exercise. In fact, are you sure your weight isn't mostly muscle? You sound like you already follow a good, healthy lifestyle!

I'm also at the point of giving up. I've been around 13.5stone (I'm just shy of 5ft 9) for a couple of years now (I'm 46). I do really well on a diet for a while, then I have a bad day, break it and binge on crisps (my trigger food) and then anything I can get my hands on. I know that if I don't diet, I'll binge less, but I don't trust myself not to gain loads more weight if I stop completely and I think my poor body is so confused after three decades of disordered eating and yo-yo dieting that it doesn't know which way is up! My poor body is begging for mercy.

However, I'm not entirely happy giving up dieting because I don't feel attractive, my sex drive is zero and my clothes don't fit as I'd like. It's a horrible dilemma to have, isn't it? What is your gut telling you to do, OP? (No pun intended!)

I don't exercise nearly enough and maybe that's the key to at least feeling better.

What happened when you tried 5:2 diet (days of week) instead of 16:8 diet (hours a day)?

I’m shocked st your weight given your diet and exercise regime!

I’m 5ft 4 and weigh 11st

I do no exercise, drink lots of wine, eat what I want within reason

But I know if I did all your workouts I’d be slimmer.

Have you had your thyroid checked?

I did a 6 week bootcamp earlier this year, 10 of us I was the oldest by about 10 years. 3 sessions a week doing circuits, it was really hard, i hated it but thought it might help. They weighed and measured at the end and beginning, everyone else lost weight and cm's off everywhere. I was a pound lighter (wtaf) and lost 1 cm off each thigh, totally gutted! The instructor told me i was a "non responder" no idea if that is actually a thing or her excuse for me not losing anything. I probably am quite muscly, but i look out of proportion as my belly sticks out. I had a full health check, bloods etc at the docs recently and they flagged nothing so guess they have checked my thyroid?
I suppose my age doesnt help, i am peri meno but doesnt explain why i have felt like this for 10 years lol

Seconding getting you're thyroid checked, as your diet & exercise simply doesn't correlate to your weight. Or, not to panic you, but are you sure you don't have a large, weighty tumour growing somewhere?

You say you're sick of dieting, but 16:8 sounds like another fad to me. Albeit a minor one.

Get some calipers/pay to be measured in a displacement tank and work out your body fat percentage. Those machines/scales that measure it are useless, don't rely on those.
Use this to work out your TDEE.
Eat 200-500 calories less than your TDEE everyday and there is no way you won't lose weight.

You can't lose weight off specific areas, but if your stomach is bothering you, train your abs to get more muscle definition.

Stop all the cardio and do some weights too! Cardio can be really harsh on your joints (I used to run and train in ballet religiously, but had to stop years ago when I got arthritic knees in my mid 20's). Lifting weights is honestly the most fantastic and life-changing exercise you can do. You get stronger, muscle burns more calories than fat, your joints are strengthened, your posture improves so you look miles better, your mind/muscle connection grows and you feel more in tune with your body and your muscles than you could ever imagine. And I say this as someone who was a dancer for many years, and thought I was about as in tune as you could get!

People rave about weights for a reason - it's such an affirming and rewarding experience. Brilliant stress relief, will improve your performance in dance/Pilates/running endlessly too.
Can't recommend enough.

You know you can be peri for up to ten years, OP?!

It seems as though there's two issues - the breast cancer risk, and the aesthetics?

The first one is tough because (as I’m sure you already know) there is recognised link between excess weight and increased chances of breast cancer, and the link is stronger in post-menopausal women.

I'm not a medical professional, but one way to approach this could be to check out your other health indicators. BMI is only one measure. Have you had an NHS health check recently? If not, it might be worth having one and seeing how BP, cholesterol, blood sugar, waist to height ratio all measure up. If you can get your % body fat checked too- you might need to have it done privately - you can confirm what your weight is made up of. Below ~31% body fat is okay and below ~24% is fit. A high percentage bodyfat is more of a risk factor for breast cancer than weight alone. If you run, you can do parkrun and compare your fitness to other women your age - are you above average, at average, below average? If all these indicators are fine and it's only your BMI which is not ideal, then thatt may give you some peace of mind about maintaining your current weight. If, on the other hand, a couple of indicators come back suggesting cause for concern, that suggest it may be less sensible to do so.

The aesthetics issue is more subjective. The biggest change you could make at this stage, is probably to swap some of the cardio-vascular for lifting heaving. That will help reshape your body, but the effects will always be more obvious if you lose body fat too.

As to how to move on, research shows that people who maintain weight long term, weigh themselves regularly and have an acceptable range, a ‘take action’ range and a ‘no higher/lower than this’ weight. Your current way of life has successful maintained your weight at or below 12 stone for the last ten years, so it’s probably not going to be much different from what you’re already doing, but to have a definite plan in place for how you will react if you weight starts creeping towards your red line number.

Sorry op but I agree with carribeanyesplease. You are not being honest with yourself. Have you tried writing down everything you eat for a week?

Haha 'lifting heaving' well yes, but what I meant was "lifting heavy".

I'm with @caribbeanyesplease. If what you're saying is absolutely true, then please do go straight to a doctor as something is terribly wrong.

Otherwise, there is a simple energy in / energy out equation that doesn't work at all from your post. Either your portions are enormous, or maybe the blowouts you mention (like a work conference) are enormous? It's very common for metabolism to slow around the menopause and after years of dieting but realistically not to a point where you can do an hour of exercise a day including running, plus eat two small meals and barely snack, AND be at your weight and height.
Agree with writing down very honestly what you eat and your exercise over a week(or a fortnight if that is your binge/restrict cylce) plus weighing portions, and weighing yourself. If it's still as you describe, then it will be helpful for a medical professional. If it's more than you thought, then it's helpful for you.

Have you ever tracked the calories of what you're eating? How far do you run? Sometimes we over estimate how many calories we're burning and fitness devices are well known for being inaccurate.

I guess the most important thing, as others have said, is whether you can maintain your weight at 12 stone. I've certainly felt like just giving up the weight loss battle but ultimately I can't maintain a stable weight and keep on gaining.

Thanks everyone for your repliessome of which are a bit terrifying. I am going to go back to my docs, last time everything was in normal limits including blood pressure, cholesterol etc, i'm at the overweight level on my BMI but this has never been mentioned by them. When I did 5:2 I lost about a stone in 6 months but felt so shit I gave up, basically I couldn't sleep on fast days so felt awful. The 16:8 is just how I have always been, it just has a title now, never eaten breakfast makes me feel sick. I am going to try some weight training, i know maintaining muscle mass is important when you get older, any ideas where to start without going to a gym? I have weights and kettlebells that my oh uses at home. I have tracked calories on mfb before, don't really want to do it forever, i just want to not be an intelligent 51 year old woman who constantly has the "too fat" voice in her ear-and no ,no one has ever said that but me. X

Is what you see when you look in the mirror actually how others see you though? I mean, you're conscious of your tummy, but is it actually as big as you think? Given the amount of exercise you do and because you say the rest of you is slim, maybe the number on the scales is reflecting your muscle mass and that what you think is a big tummy really isn't and this is more about how you perceive yourself than some sinister health reason.