Emotional eating and self sabotage

[OldBooks]

On this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2811257-lets-sort-our-lives-out-in-2017 I mentioned that I need to lose weight but struggle with negative thoughts around dieting. So I would like to ask if anyone has any suggestions, resources, similar stories to inspire and help me.

Background (apologies for length): I have been a 'big girl' ever since I hit puberty, diagnosed with PCOS in my late teens. I seem to settle at size 16-18 and usually weigh around 90-100 kilos. I am now in my 30s and have just had DD2 which has obviously affected my tummy and I look flabbier than ever. I have lost weight in the past on low-carb diets or on 5:2 but always get derailed and never manage to maintain any loss.

My mother is a classic narcissist and we have a difficult relationship. One of her biggest sticking points is my weight. She herself is vain and insecure and constantly references her weight, what she is eating, how she needs to exercise etc. She grabs her tummy and says how disgusting she looks. This is almost a game or a habit as she never actually does anything to address it. Ever since I started to gain weight in my teens she has commented on it, screamed and shouted at me to lose weight, been extremely negative etc to the point of giving me a huge complex, shredding my self esteem/confidence and leaving me with disordered thoughts around food and eating. Of course she never actually helped me to take any positive steps to lose weight or begin exercising, and I have come to understand that in a way she actually wants me to be overweight as it reduces my threat to her vanity and she has sabotaged me to ensure I stay big, eg always bringing cakes/biscuits when she visits. I have struggled with depression and anxiety and have found my negative thinking about my appearance has affected my life, especially before I met my DH. For example missing a friend's wedding because I thought I looked hideous in all my outfits.

I was always a 'good girl', no drinking, smoking, boys and successful academically - eating was my only 'vice'. I comfort eat a lot, when I am stressed, sad, angry, bored etc I immediately crave sweet foods. I have only been able to maintain dieting/healthy eating during stable and stress free periods of my life, as soon as there is any difficulty I want to eat eat eat again. I also began to self harm in my teens and will still do so in extremis - I think that overeating and ruining my health by doing so is a form of self harm and fits with that mindset. But ironically I harm myself most over my weight, eg I once carved 'fat cow' into my stomach with a pair of scissors.

Now I have 2 daughters I am terrified of passing on my thoughts about my body image and eating to them. I want them to see me maintaining a healthy lifestyle, eating well with treats in moderation, exercising for pleasure and being positive, dressing well and taking care of myself no matter my size. But it is so hard to implement. I know how to eat healthily and about nutrition and what is good for me as a woman with PCOS. I know it will be beneficial to my long term health to eat a low carb, low sugar diet and maintain that. I know that my negative thoughts about my body and my low self esteem come from my mother. But I can't make myself stop thinking these negative thoughts. I can't approach a healthy lifestyle in a positive way, as a good thing I am doing for myself and my family. I feel resentful of the PCOS, deprived and sulky. I spiral into self-abusive comments, call myself useless, a failure, a waste of space. I fantasize about cutting my tummy.

How do I address the gap between what my rational mind understands (these negative thoughts come from my upbringing, a healthy lifestyle will be beneficial) and what my emotional self feels (waaaaa I want the cake it's not fair, why can't I have the cake, I shouldn't have the cake, just eat the cake, now look you fat bitch you've eaten the cake, you can't do anything right)?

It is so exhausting thinking about food constantly. I want to eat, I shouldn't eat, what can I eat... I just want to break this cycle and think about food normally!

Thanks for the link.

I'm going to get the next few days out of the way then sit down and plan how to proceed. I don't want to look and feel like this.

I struggle with little things, like fitting my eating habits around others. I live with dd15 who is vegetarian so we often eat separately, but my bf eats here most nights; he is ill and has eating issues so I encourage him to eat as often as possible and whatever he likes .. but he'll only eat if I do. I know I'm not responsible for him, but I also know he feels better when he eats more and he won't eat if I don't ... I need to find a solution for that problem ...

Posted too soon ... he's very picky about what he eats due to said issues ...

Also due to depression I barely cook at present, so I need to be realistic about what I'll stick to and am capable of .. it's much easier to butter a slice of bread or grab a biscuit than cook a meal.

coldfeet I agree, mum is only human and I would never expect perfection. I have discussed forgiveness in therapy and feel that I have moved towards some understanding of her - she did have a difficult childhood and her mother was very difficult. At the same time her behaviour continues to be challenging right up to today which makes it harder to draw a line under it. It isn't just my weight and appearance, I feel like I cannot do anything right for her, my DH, home, chosen child raising methods etc are constantly under fire. I am considering going LC which I have done in the past to recover some headspace.

bark I understand your difficulty with DP, my DH is very tall and very thin, he can eat literally anything and will not gain weight. It's hard to maintain basic portion control when he is around!

I have been reading up on bullet journals this afternoon and experimenting with my layouts. I am going to break down healthy habits which I can track/record. I have decided to take measurements of my body every 3 months as a marker of progress, but beyond that I aim to shift the focus away from scales and dress size etc to health, energy, vitality and positivity. I do not want to diet, I want to implement long term healthy changes which are sustainable and which will become habit.

Sorry bark, I meant to ask if you are getting any help with your depression?

That sounds very sensible old.

Yes I'm having counselling to help with low self esteem.

I identify with this. I binge ate. (Hmm just changed from eat to ate). My changes have not been overnight. I've had a few things that have helped me change this habit. Paul Mckenna's Freedom from emotional eating is good. Brain over binge is written by a woman recovering from Bulimia. I never purged or had a bulimia diagnosis but the thoughts behind the process felt the same for me. I've learnt that I can chose to have control. That's an incredibly powerful thing to know. Before, I ate mindlessly. I told myself I couldn't help it. Yet suddenly, somehow, I am helping it.

I'm also doing SW. I'm not a massive sweetener fan but the principle of having a certain amount of fruit/veg with each meal, along with the group support has helped me. I've lost 19lb in 8 weeks I've started running again, I'd lost my confidence. That helps me to tone up, lose more weight, gives me more energy and incentive to eat better (I find it harder to run if I've eaten junk food!).

Sadly there's no 'quick fix'. I know slimming groups aren't for everyone but it's working for me. You may have to look at your relationship with your Mum? My Mum was, erm, an interesting character. Very domineering. I believe she meant well but she put me on my first diet aged 9, I've yo-yoed ever since. It also led to a cycle of deprivation followed by bingeing. My Mum died 9 years ago but her influence is still there

I've had to work at changing my perspective on food. I look at having foods that nourish me, that also taste good (tonight I avoided chocolate cake and ate a tropical fruit salad!). This time I'm doing it for me. It's my body, my health, my future that I'm changing for.

bark I am glad you are getting help. Depression is so hard to get through alone.

faith thank you for sharing your story, it is very inspirational! That mindset sounds like what I am aiming for. I will look at the resources you suggest. I am not totally against joining a group like SW or WW but I want to focus on the long term and lose weight almost as an incidental by product of slow sustainable changes towards a healthy life and not focus on short term how many lbs lost this week, iyswim?

It sounds as if you're making a fair bit of progress in working how you want to move forward. Fully get the approach you are taking, I wanted to but urgently have to lose weight for an op therefore seeing numbers the way forward for me now (reached first stone off this morning which was great.)

There is something called Virtual Gastric Band app which is £5 and the first part is a bit of back up for the eating when you're hungry, making healthy choices, drinking water and trying not to let stress affect eating, might be of some help.

Ooh I've never been called inspirational before! Yes I completely understand. For me, it's been about short-term goals to remain focused enough to achieve the long-term stuff. If part of your aim to do improve physical fitness, it might be worth signing up for something? My initial change from being very sedentary to where I'm at now (exercising for fun!) started due to signing up for a 10k. It doesn't have to be running, could be walking/a swimming activity etc but it's good to have something to aim for to keep you focused.

Faith is Paul McKennas book any good? I've seen it in W H Smiths and nearly bought it, but have a habit of buying self help books, then not reading them

I didn't want to go down the route of SW or WW because I don't subscribe to the sweeteners and low fat way of eating. I wouldn't attend a group anyway, too anxious.

They definitely help. I've got I can make you thin and Freedom from emotional eating. I do recommend Brain over binge as well though, to understand the brain works when you habitually overeat. Both work on a similar premise, if you are in this situation, it's difficult to stop through willpower alone.

For me, I need the support of a group. I needed help to meal plan and make wise food choices - example, I started my days with toast, butter and jam. Then I'd want biscuits and crisps and so it continues! Now I have balanced food options suggested and it start off well, it continues from there. I read a quote recently that said Westerners tend be overfed and under-nourished. That really struck me! I ate lots but. Or a balanced diet, nowhere near enough nourishment and then wondered why I felt ill and tired all the time?! I'm definitely better nourished now and having food plans/suggestions helps me.

OAh bark, it might be easier to look at the app? Paul McKenna does an iPhone app (don't know if it's available for Android sorry). It prompts you to check to do visualisation exercises and a night time hypnosis.

Can I jump on board for some inspiration? Paul McKenna is sitting in my drawer and has not yet been read. I am the queen of self sabotage and have been blaming AD meds for weight gain without taking responsibility for it being My hand which I control putting the food in my mouth.

I'm nodding alone with so much of this - have gained nearly a pound a week since I stopped going to WW in the autumn and clearly that can't continue. The reason being is I've been vv busy and stressed with uni work and I still see eating rubbish as a treat and exercise as a 'should' not a fun thing, even though I do feel great afterwards. I was put on my first 'diet' by my mum at the age of 8 and encouraged by her when I dieted as a teen, and have done Rosemary Conley and WW at various points throughout all my adult life.... These days I notice I try to avoid telling her, and my daughters, when I'm dieting, so as not to make a thing of it, but I wish I could just be 'normal' about it.

Thanks Faith, I'll look for the app .. I've android though.

Sounds familiar to me.

I like to think I have had my emotional eating properly under control for at least a decade now. I'm never over a size 12, never under an 8. I can do boot camps and run long distances. When I go off the rails I can get myself back on quickly: rarely lasts more than a fortnight and that's under extreme duress. I feel in control and it feels good.

Here are the 4 things that have helped me the most:

www.drrogergould.com/programs-online/emotional-eating

www.hypnosisdownloads.com/weight-loss/emotional-eating

www.thehappinesstrap.com

Spending almost zero time with my mother.

Today I'm going to try and eat normally .. have what I want but not in huge amounts.

I've walked to the bakers to get fresh seeded bread and also been on a long walk with the dog so feel quite positive at the moment. However everything I've eaten has been carb heavy but I've enjoyed it and not eaten ridiculous amounts.

I've found the Paul McKenna app for android so I may download that and give it a go.

I'll check out the other suggestions above too.

Hello everyone, apologies for lack of posting, I have been at a big family gathering held by my very naice aunt - there was lots of food . My cousin was there who has lost 3 stone with SW and has dropped from size 18 to 12. Everyone was praising her as if she had won the Nobel prize. My feeling are complex - jealous, obviously, but also sad at how people reacted as if being skinny is so important (which annoys me as I think our culture is too looks-focused). And frustrated because I feel like the SW diet isn't a million miles away from what I eat, I love to cook, I eat my 5 a day, I don't drink alcohol. But because of the PCOS a standard healthy diet won't really make much difference, which makes me resentful - "waaa it's not fair" - and then I think screw it why not just eat 1/2 a packet of biscuits, you're fucked anyway, and it makes me feel better (for 5 mins). I know I have to just suck it up and accept that the PCOS will mean that I have to be that bit more careful with my eating, and actually that's OK, it's a good thing not to get diabetes or heart disease.

And then I have to be honest and admit that at the moment, while my main meals are OK, it's the constant eating in between that is doing it. Not only am I eating biscuits etc as snacks, but the reason I am doing it is that I feel tired and stressed and anxious and it helps to keep me calm or gives me a quick hit. today is a good example. My DDs did not react well to a 4 hour drive to meet a load of distant family and we had an awful night. I am beyond shattered after about 6 weeks of really poor sleep as DD2 is experiencing growth spurt & teething and I haven't slept for more than 3 hours in a row in all that time. Our house is such a state with all the Xmas presents everywhere, mess and unfinished DIY. I have been trying to get on top of stuff today and EVERY time I have gone into the kitchen I have eaten something, usually a chocolate or crisps. ALL DAY. I'm not hungry. I just want them. This is what I need to change.

Mirabelle good work on losing that stone, hope you are closer to the weight you need to reach for your operation.

Faith a mum at nursery was telling me about Park Run and offering to be my running buddy so I really ought to take her up on that (even though I feel very very anxious about doing so). I also love swimming so once I stop BF and know that DH can give a bedtime bottle I plan to escape in the evening to the pool.

Surlin and miffy welcome to the thread, please feel free to share your thoughts, frustrations and progress. Miffy I absolutely understand the rubbish = treats mindset. It is so damaging. I read once "food is only a reward if you are a dog" which I try to keep in mind! I try to tell myself that fresh, healthy food that nourishes my body is the real treat, not crap that fills me up with nutritionally empty calories.

RunRabbit thank you for sharing your experiences, another inspiration. Those links look very useful.

Bark go you making a start! A good long walk always makes me feel more positive. I read once about portion control, that we have lost all sense of a normal portion, and if you actually eat the recommendation on the packet it looks like so little compared to usual. Might it be worth trying a day or two of eating whatever you fancy but following the recommended portion size?

Resources mentioned so far:

Books:
Paul Mckenna's Freedom from emotional eating and I can make you thin
Brain over Binge

Apps
Virtual Gastric Band app
Paul McKenna gastric band app

Web Resources
www.drrogergould.com/programs-online/emotional-eating
www.hypnosisdownloads.com/weight-loss/emotional-eating
www.thehappinesstrap.com
nosdiet.com/

Hi Oldbooks and everyone. Thanks for the links.

Today I only managed a short walk but have also barely eaten .. got up v late and had to rush out

However now out with dd for regular Friday coffee treat and had a piece of cake I'll walk round the shops to burn some calories

I agree, everything is focused on looks. I hate that. And yet I guess I'm no different.

There is a Paul McKenna app for android btw link here
I've walked nearly 5 miles today! It seems shopping is my favourite form of cardio

Hi
I could have written this OP entirely, I recognised all of it. The PCOS the constant monologue from my mother, and her endless sabotage. The depression and self harm. I told my psychiatrist that I thought I was self harming with food and he simply said probably, but right now we don't know enough to deal wit that. My GP sighs and tells me she's not surprised I am the weight I am and offers yet another slimming club membership.
I really do not know what the answer is. I am now NC with my mum, in the hope that I can build enough self esteem back to get the willpower and self worth I need to keep going. I wonder when you are dieting do you ever really truly believe its going to make you slim. I don't think I really believe deep down that I deserve to be thin and that is stopping me more than anything and until I can believe I will become that thinner me, no diet in the world will work.

Bark It's a dichotomy isn't it? Part of me wants to reject the high value placed on appearance and especially thinness by our society. It is another form of opression of women IMO. But at the same time I am so conditioned by it that I feel disgusting at this size. That's why I want to frame this as a HEALTH issue rather than a looks issue. Losing weight is about being able to run after my girls, keep diabetes at bay, not have a heart attack at 56 like my grandad.

Oops I definitely think that I self harm with food - it's more socially acceptable than having cuts and bruises but probably symptomatic of the same self hatred. You speak of 'deserving' to be thin. I would argue that you deserve to be happy, confident and comfortable in your own skin. Then you might be able to approach your health and diet from a positive place. If you know eating rubbish food is bad for you and makes you feel shit then yes it is self harm. If you eat nourishing healthy foods that vitalise your body it is self care. You have to be in a self care place of mind

Right ladies here are my shameful measurements as laid out in the 'mind, body and soul' pages of my new bullet journal. I am not going to obsess over scales and weights and numbers and dress sizes, but I hope to see a reduction in these numbers come April!