I hate myself

[veryobeselady]

Sorry I wasn't sure where to post this. I needed somewhere to just let out all my feelings as I'm not getting a lot of sympathy or advice in real life. I'm not a troll, been around a long time (penguins, fat ball, penis beaker), I've just name changed out of shame.

I am spending a lot of time in tears and wanting to just disappear. I'm obese. BMI is 31. I avoid looking in mirrors as I don't like what I see. My avoidance of mirrors is so bad that today I saw myself in a shop window and didn't recognise myself. I thought "god, she's a right state" and it was me. I looked 20 years older, had no dress sense, just a total fucking mess.

I spend my work lunchtimes eating my lunch in my car. This resulted from a thin colleague regularly saying "how many calories are in that?", "are you sure you should be eating that?" It's usually a fucking sandwich, pack of crisps and a bottle of water. I don't know if she's trying in some way to be helpful but its mortifying. So I either sit in my car or in the disabled toilet.

Speaking of disabled toilet - I have disabilities which affects how much I can do socially in terms of exercise classes, weight loss classes. I get support at work but the same support isn't available at home.

I did lose 2 stone back in 2012 through WW online, exercise classes and personal training and felt so proud of myself. I could wear dresses again, I made an effort to get my hair done, get a fake tan, wear heels and nice makeup. But the 2 stone came back on and turned into 3 stone back on.

Since this weight loss, my disabilities have gotten a bit worse, I also have less time and money for exercise classes. I've done it before, but this time I can't seem to get the motivation/time/money to do it again.

I get out of breath even just walking up the stairs. My trousers slide down to sit below my belly, so my belly hangs over. I am sweaty. My legs rub together. My teeth are always aching which my dentist says is due to clenching. I didn't realise I was doing this until he said so, and didn't know why until I tried to go to the toilet and couldn't (regular occurence)

I don't get any sympathy at home. My mum (who is thin) says I should be ashamed of myself (I am) and that only I can change it (true). My DH is also overweight and takes the opposite approach - that I'm lovely as I am (not true)

I spend a fortune on makeup and jewelery partly to make me feel better but mainly to distract from my weight. I spend so much I'm overdrawn. I watch stupid youtube makeup videos but I still look old fat and spotty.

I have exercise videos unopened. I have unused skipping ropes. An unused exercise ball. An unused weighted hula hoop. An unused wii fit.

Last week, I tried to get my motivation back. I thought it would help to blog about my feelings, but I've lost the motivation to update it.

I joined nutracheck which I like but I keep going over my calories.

I enlisted my personal trainer again last week but this is only 2 half hour sessions a week as its all I can afford. I'm so embarrassed at her seeing how much weight I've put on since I saw her last and feel like I'm wasting her time and my money. I lied to her about losing weight this week when I'd lost SFA cos I was going over my calories.

I cry all day every day. I cry in my bed, I cry in the toilets, I cry in my car. It's all my own fault and I hate myself for not being able to do anything about it. I should be able to do it, I did it before, but I can't seem to do it.

Thank you if you got this far. I just wanted people to sound off too because no one in real life seems to understand.

Very when I read "581 calories" I thought "ooh that's good"

I think you need to rethink your meals a bit. You should be able to have a good dinner (by good I mean "filling") for 500 cals.

By all means have your steak and chips, I'd LOVE that right now, but if that's a typical dinner it will eat (pardon the pun) into your daily allowance

BTW I am not a fan of huge veg either, but I eat a lot of it. I don't like meals which have veg on the side e.g. potatoes, carrots and greens. But I trained myself to eat veg in stir fries, bolognaises, soups, stews etc. I have recently stopped eating meat, so I am eating even more veggies, and I enjoy them. It took me a bit of persevering to get there, but now I am happy rustling up a quick meal.

DipsoHippo I think the icecream cone I got as a snack didn't help the amount of calories left but it was hot and the whole office got them.

I need to learn to say 'no' more!

You should join us on the MFP to lose weight thread
We have a weekly weigh in on Mondays and use the myfitnesspal app which sets a daily calorie allowance based on your activity and weight. I started at 14stone 11lbs and am now 12 stone 6 through calorie counting and I'm using the app to lose the 2 stone. I find it very motivational

I did try MFP before but couldn't get the hang of it, it was too american for me and the forums were going too fast.

I'm doing nutracheck. Today after food and exercise, I'm over calories by 43. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to hit my calories bang on or if I'm meant to be under? This is why dieting fails, I can't understand the dieting 'rules'

I have gotten my tan done, it remains to be seen whether this will 'slim' me. My tanning lady asked if I was going to show it off in nice dresses. I lied and said yes, but apart from the wedding (in a maxi dress) I will be remaining covered up as I just do not feel confident enough in my body to wear a dress.

I have a friend coming round tomorrow, a new friend actually, which makes me feel a bit better, new friends are always a positive thing. I'm stressing about that too though. We seem to get on okay but there's always that worry that the friendship won't take off. In case you haven't guessed, I don't socialise much! Should I get wine? I don't drink myself so would she feel silly being the only one drinking...arrgh, its been so long since I've had someone round. That's just how low in confidence I am.

very did you see my post about not dieting but relearning how to listen to your proper hunger signals. That way you eat whatever you want, only when truly hungry and stop as soon as you are satisfied (not full). Its the way we all would like to naturally be with food. Thin people don't eat if they are not hungry. Why would they. Dieters, bingers and disordered eaters eat for every reason other than true hunger.

Hi all, I'm sorry for the lack of updates. I'm still not doing so good. Keeping this short as I'm at work.

I have a doctor's appt this afternoon. I think I have a fissure, TMI, but its made me realise even more that I need to make changes.

I've ordered lots of fruit with my asda delivery and I'm going to try to eat more fruit. Fruit I can do, vegetables not so much, although I can eat soups so I've ordered some soups which I plan to take into work.

I also want to walk more but I'm not too keen to do this myself in the evenings and looking out the window, its very wet and windy...

You'll get there.

You never know what initiatives might be happening in your area that your gp can help you access.

Have you been following any kind of plan? Even if you do nothing else, try and keep a food diary so you can get a picture of when you're hungriest, when you feel tempted, how you feel afterwards (sated, headache, full, still hungry etc) and then you might have a better idea of what the first things to tackle are - for instance if you see that at 10.30am every day you crave sugar, you could look at tweaking your breakfast etc.

Could your budget stretch to a personal trainer? Someone sympathetic and positive to motivate you in to exercising? Even if you could afford once a week and then get them to set you a programme to do at home and give you an eating plan.

I honesty believe exercise is a huge, huge boost to self esteem, a depression buster...and obviously, it will help you shift the weight.

Good luck.

I have a personal trainer, as mentioned above. I think I'm wasting her time and my money though but I know if I stop the sessions, I'll never lose any weight.

Have a look on the quit sugar thread. I cut sugar out nearly 8 weeks ago and don't get quite so hungry as I'm not getting that hit of sugar and then then low when it's used up.

I concentrate on healthy eating.

I have veg with most meals. If you are hungry eat some protein. Keep some. Cooked chicken in the fridge.

I avoid wheat and dairy for my health reasons.

I haven't posted these last few days as things have come to a head in my relationship with my mother.

I haven't been well this week, so food/exercise/housework are not my priority right now. being in my bed is all I want to do. This has led to my mum not only making comments about my weight but also how I'm so lazy and need to get off my fat arse as I'm not dying.

I kind of lost it with her and told her she was nasty and does not behave like a normal mother.

Her response is to refuse to babysit my DC whilst I'm at work (I cannot afford other childcare, she knows this and uses this to 'win' every argument).

She has also unfriended me on Facebook. This may seem trivial but I have mobility, hearing and visual impairments. I can't use a telephone to communicate so I use FB chat and text. She has now denied me that method of communicating with her.

I can't go NC because she lives on the same street as me and she helps me with childcare. My ILs have no interest in babysitting so no point in asking them (although they don't criticise like my mum does).

Mum is a great gran to DC and DC loves her. there are many times when we have a good laugh together, a hug etc. But she just cannot do praise. She criticises all the time, she compares me to everyone else. Even my father admits she can, in his words 'be a bully', yet he has also unfriended me.

I'm very tearful tonight and I just don't know what to do now.

I am so sorry. Don't really have any advice but didn't want to leave this unanswered offers hand to hold

It might be worth taking a break from the personal trainer and reallocating that budget to short-term counselling like CBT to help you deal with your mother's unkind comments. It sounds like your issues with food have emotional roots and it will be difficult for you to make long-term changes without addressing that.

On another note, did you know there is now a web/PC version of WhatsApp? Also an app called MightyText that lets you send and receive SMS on your computer via your phone. :)

Gosh you do sound awfully low, I've felt like that at times too.
The water is a great idea, it flushes out your system which will make you feel healthier and inspire you to be healthier.
Replace the diet coke with water, the aspartame in it is plain nasty and isn't helping you. I read an article that linked it to depression and weight gain.
Replace crisps with a piece of fruit.
The pancakes are not a good breakfast, swap to a sugar free muesli with fat free yog or fromage frais.
Do you have an hour for your lunch break? Instead of sitting in your car or the toilets go for a walk.
Those small steps are a great start and seeing a change, even if it's small will help you feel better about yourself.
Have you got a pedometer? Find out how many steps you do a day and then aim to increase it by manageable amounts each week.
Hopefully these suggestions will help.
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

Hello op. I am so sorry to hear how bad you feel. I would urge you to please visit your doctor. They may not offer anti depressants. Our surgery has counsellors attached, they will see you for hour long one to one appointments and run courses related to all sorts of things. I have attended the weight loss one, self esteem and depression and anxiety. They were excellent. Our surgery also offers weight loss with one of the nurses. You go along once a fortnight to be weighed and they give you advice on healthy eating, portion control etc. Alternatively they offer 12 week courses with WW/Slimming World to help you get started. I believe they can also prescribe gym memberships.

Everyone is right. You need help with your self esteem before tackling the weight I think. If you feel better about yourself the healthy lifestyle will be easier to achieve and will be something you want to do.

Hope you are feeling better very soon. xxx

I just don't know where to start. There are so many things I seem to need to change - my weight, my appearance, my social life, my housework, my parenting...where do I start?

I say I'll eat healthy, go for a walk and I end up just wanting to hide away and cry.

I feel ill today, I am very upset. My parents are refusing to speak with me. I feel rejected.

OP I have just read through your thread. I think that this has got to the doctor stage now. See your doctor (emergency appointment if necessary) and ask for a referral to counselling. If you can scrape the money together go private if you have to.

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so down. I would echo counselling - I've got a very bad relationship with my Dad and have been seeing a counsellor for 8 months. It's been really helpful for me to talk about the things that happened in my childhood and to make me realise that certain things weren't my fault.

It sounds like you feel really alone? If you don't have the support of your parents and you need to change your social life, any changes can be so, so hard if you don't have support and positive people around you. I'd urge you to post on this thread but also maybe that's a good place to start? to find like minded and positive people in your life who can support you in making small changes in other areas? It must feel like an absolutely mountain to climb and make the changes you want to make... and that can be really demotivating when you're at the bottom of the mountain.

I say I'll go to the gym and I don't go as I feel crap - However if that happens, don't beat yourself up about it or feel guilty.

How has tonight gone and how are you feeling now?

OP I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I think you need to sort out your own childcare and not rely on your Mother. That is not a healthy set up. Your in laws have their own lives and have done their child rearing, as has your Mother. The way she talks to you is not acceptable and you could do with having less contact with her and having your own childcare. She has also spent most of her life bringing up kids and could feel used sometimes. Could you use the money you spend on clothes and personal trainers on childcare as this will make you more independent which will help your self esteem. Or maybe you could drop your hours until they are older.

I have had counselling before for a work related problem and this really helped. It was paid for by work and they knew about it. Counselling is still an option for me to arrange through work. we can get counselling for anything, and its free but back then my manager knew what the issue was and therefore I was able to go during work hours. I don't think I'll be able to go outwith work hours due to childcare issues and also I don't want my family or even my DH knowing because they wouldn't be happy about it.

I also saw a CBT guy about a year ago (not work related) and in my own opinion that was a lot of crap ("you're a princess", "you're in a castle with a moat around you", "hug yourself") I'm not keen on that again although the first counsellor further up was good.

I'm sorry this has become less weight loss related than it was at first. I literally do not feel I can talk to anyone in RL

sorry fluffypersian you asked how things went. Well, my mother has refriended me on Facebook which I accepted but I have her on restricted. My dad has yet to refriend me.

She says she's not going to come near my house again and that she's "going to move away from me because she's had enough of me" but I can still drop DC off for childcaring as she'll still be near enough for that.

She did come up to say all this, screaming and shouting at me about how much I'd hurt her and how I was "threatening her marriage". She woke up DD who was upset.

I think we are talking this morning. I think some of what I was saying has sunk in. I told her that a lot of bad things were going on (had a bad day at work the day after) and that I needed support, not criticism. She did say "you get paid a good salary, suck it up" but she also told me to join her for dinner to talk about it...I feel so confused by her!

Counselling is still an option for me to arrange through work. we can get counselling for anything, and its free but...

but you won't know until you ask.

I'm sorry this has become less weight loss related than it was at first. I literally do not feel I can talk to anyone in RL

You don't have to say sorry. I don't think me and you are the only posters on this thread who have or have had emotional issues around food and body!

I think you need emotional support, and your mum is not able to provide that right now. I also think if you sort yourself out through counselling the healthy body will follow very, very quickly.