I hate myself

[veryobeselady]

Sorry I wasn't sure where to post this. I needed somewhere to just let out all my feelings as I'm not getting a lot of sympathy or advice in real life. I'm not a troll, been around a long time (penguins, fat ball, penis beaker), I've just name changed out of shame.

I am spending a lot of time in tears and wanting to just disappear. I'm obese. BMI is 31. I avoid looking in mirrors as I don't like what I see. My avoidance of mirrors is so bad that today I saw myself in a shop window and didn't recognise myself. I thought "god, she's a right state" and it was me. I looked 20 years older, had no dress sense, just a total fucking mess.

I spend my work lunchtimes eating my lunch in my car. This resulted from a thin colleague regularly saying "how many calories are in that?", "are you sure you should be eating that?" It's usually a fucking sandwich, pack of crisps and a bottle of water. I don't know if she's trying in some way to be helpful but its mortifying. So I either sit in my car or in the disabled toilet.

Speaking of disabled toilet - I have disabilities which affects how much I can do socially in terms of exercise classes, weight loss classes. I get support at work but the same support isn't available at home.

I did lose 2 stone back in 2012 through WW online, exercise classes and personal training and felt so proud of myself. I could wear dresses again, I made an effort to get my hair done, get a fake tan, wear heels and nice makeup. But the 2 stone came back on and turned into 3 stone back on.

Since this weight loss, my disabilities have gotten a bit worse, I also have less time and money for exercise classes. I've done it before, but this time I can't seem to get the motivation/time/money to do it again.

I get out of breath even just walking up the stairs. My trousers slide down to sit below my belly, so my belly hangs over. I am sweaty. My legs rub together. My teeth are always aching which my dentist says is due to clenching. I didn't realise I was doing this until he said so, and didn't know why until I tried to go to the toilet and couldn't (regular occurence)

I don't get any sympathy at home. My mum (who is thin) says I should be ashamed of myself (I am) and that only I can change it (true). My DH is also overweight and takes the opposite approach - that I'm lovely as I am (not true)

I spend a fortune on makeup and jewelery partly to make me feel better but mainly to distract from my weight. I spend so much I'm overdrawn. I watch stupid youtube makeup videos but I still look old fat and spotty.

I have exercise videos unopened. I have unused skipping ropes. An unused exercise ball. An unused weighted hula hoop. An unused wii fit.

Last week, I tried to get my motivation back. I thought it would help to blog about my feelings, but I've lost the motivation to update it.

I joined nutracheck which I like but I keep going over my calories.

I enlisted my personal trainer again last week but this is only 2 half hour sessions a week as its all I can afford. I'm so embarrassed at her seeing how much weight I've put on since I saw her last and feel like I'm wasting her time and my money. I lied to her about losing weight this week when I'd lost SFA cos I was going over my calories.

I cry all day every day. I cry in my bed, I cry in the toilets, I cry in my car. It's all my own fault and I hate myself for not being able to do anything about it. I should be able to do it, I did it before, but I can't seem to do it.

Thank you if you got this far. I just wanted people to sound off too because no one in real life seems to understand.

Hi OP! We're going to move this over to Weight Loss Chat for you in a moment, where hopefully you'll get lots more useful advice and support.

Isn't a wedding a great reason to spend a bit of pampering time? Your trim and tan (don't give the tanning lady a second thought, she won't bat an eyelid at your size/shape) will be a great start. Is your hair long or short, straight or curly? Are you getting it cut on day of wedding? What about a nice curly / straight blow dry?
What are you wearing? I am around the same height as you, but have fairly dumpy legs. I always get a bargain maxi dress for a wedding. Then if my legs hurt (due to illness) I can wear a flatter shoe if I need them

And please don't worry about "others" at wedding. Concentrate on having a lovely day out with your hubby xx

Your DH sounds a good 'un .

I'd start by keeping your mum and skinny colleague at a bit of a distance - you don't need that sort of negativity.

Concentrate not on being harsh on yourself and dieting, but by making little adjustments. Find chocolates that take longer to eat (rolos?) so it slows you down and satisfies you more. Up your vegetables - maybe a carton of fresh soup (about £1.60 for Tescos etc) as it is filling and healthy. Buy some fake tan (the moisturising ones are good and quite cheap), have that haircut and find a couple of outfits that fit well now.

I am sure you can do this .

I can identify with so much you have said on here. There are lots of obese people in this world but like myself you sound like you utterly despise yourself for it. My BMI is currently 38! I too avoid mirrors, feel old and ugly and tired. I look at my stomach and feel repulsed. I pick every bit of my body to bits until I feel like I don't want anyone even looking at me. This is not the way to live a life.

After 20 years of yo yo diets, WW, SW, skipping meals, crying, depression and often just feeling totally hopeless I think it is finally dawning on me that while I hate myself I will never lose the weight.

You sound so depressed. I too came off anti d's as I hated the effects. I am doing a mindfulness course at the moment. It has been so helpful.

Look into how you can learn to be kind to and accept yourself as you are now. This is in no way giving up on the dream of weight loss. It will help you. You are worth a lot irrespective of your weight and only you can discover that. Go for walks...not for weight loss but to clear your head. Hiding in toilets or in your car makes you feel less of a person...if you start workng on your thoughts about yourself you will have the confidence to eat in public again.

If you are anything like me your bad feelings about yourself compel you to eat to make yourself feel better. Lots of good, practical advice on here but for me it all starts in your head. It is so hard to face. I'm on the same journey myself and I wish you every bit of luck.

It is quite upsetting to read your thread. To see these feelings from someone else makes me see how bloody horrible we can be to ourselves.

Chin up. The fact that you posted is a start and you are definitely not alone x

Hi everyone. Not a good morning so far. I have a headache. DH isn't speaking to me as I wasn't in the mood. I haven't been in the mood for quite a while.

Thank you fluffypersian your post was lovely. You remind me of my CBT person who I only saw once as he came out with all that "love yourself" stuff which at the time I thought was a load of nonsense.

You hit the nail on the head really, I do have so much in my head and I do feel overwhelmed. There's so much I need to change - my weight, my sense of style, my appearance (I have dermatilomania which explains the makeup spending a bit), and if you hear my mum you'd hear that I need to get control of my housework too and my cooking skills.

I do love my mum, she's great to be around when she's not criticising me. I think she just expects too much from me. When she's feeling nicer, she tells me she knows I can be better and it hurts her to see the 'girl she knew' disappear

dipsohippo I am wearing a maxi dress. my mum bought it for me as she thought I would look nice in it. I told her it was the wrong size and she said "you had bloody better not be an 18". Well I am, a tight 18. :( That said, the dress did fit. I guess the thing about maxi dresses is that they cover lumps and bumps eh?

Thank you gretabritain you do seem to have a good idea of how I am feeling.

Today I will try to walk a bit more and drink more water. I'll let you know how I get on

Could your drive to a nicer place for a walk.

I can get 500 steps in about 5 minutes of walking.

Suppose you drove 10 mins to a park. Walked for 30 mins. Ate lunch in car 10 mins. Drove back to work. You could get 5000 or even 6000 steps in that time.

Your mum is really mean. What a bitchy thing to say.

Morning , I have just checked my bmi and it is 31 , but 5 weeks ago it was over 32 . I am on a mission at the minute and I am determined to get to where I want to be .

If you want a partner in crime then I am more than happy to keep popping back and we can give each other virtual kicks up the bum .

I too have got a fitbit and just getting out and walking is what is making the biggest difference . I need to exercise , diet alone just isn't enough for me . And if I am out walking then I am away from the biscuits .

Your meals look fine by the way , the snacks aren't ideal but if you drink a glass of water and make yourself wait ten minutes before you eat any then it should make a massive difference . I am really trying to drink more and I have found that a lot of the times when I think I am hungry I am actually just thirsty .

Good luck with it all .

OP I can relate to so much of what you say - the totally offensive and completely useless tough love comments from my mum (who is overweight despite a lifetime of dieting), the husband who says I'm lovely, the restrictions on exercise because of an injury...

The best advice I can give is to commit to something/anything for two weeks. That's not too long is it? Promise yourself you will try for two weeks. I swear, I thought I was going to crack and mainline 15 mars bars at first but after a week/10 days my appetite seemed to have adjusted and the cravings were manageable.

Ive lost for 5 weeks out of 6 so far - the week I didn't was alcohol related and I had an awful day yesterday (PMT induced nausea - had to keep eating little and often throughout day).

But I think it's important to have perspective and be kind to myself - one gain in 6 weeks isn't bad. One bad day in seven is ok. I've dropped a dress size so far and while I'm not troubling Kate Moss yet, I'm still eating well, going out for meals etc and I feel empowered because even though I'm still overweight, I've taken control. I'm doing something. I'm in charge and I will win. No matter if it takes a year.

Sweetheart just take baby steps for now.

Do you have an iPhone? There is a health app on there, comes as standard with the phone. It records your steps as well.

Try to slowly cut back on the snacking. Your daily eating isn't bad at all. I'm thinking it's the sweets etc.

I do also think you sound a little depressed.

If your house is on the messy side, get your Fitbit on and start tidying some things away.

Sometimes we think about things so much it blocks us from actually doing them. I'm in that place at the moment but I will soldier on. My energy is low but I will not let it beat me.

Keep this thread going. Update us everyday.

Your mother does not really know how to help you. So she critisizes and makes it worse. If there is no malicious intent behind her words then try not to focus on them too much.

I am you I think, I have short legs and am 5ft 5 and my bmi is higher than yours! I have lost 2.5st in a year through Low carbing by following bootcamp on here, its amazing. I get to eat loads of lush food that fills me up and keeps me satisfied.

I have tried every diet under the sun and have yo yoed constantly. After the birth of my son I have convinced myself I would be fat forever, then I discovered low carbing, it has literally changed my life.

Low carbing reduces my appetite and I don't get the dire shakey feelings that I have to eat NOW. Its daunting starting as it turns everything you think you know about dieting on its head. If you google "butter makes your pants fall off" its a youtube vid by an American chap and it explains it all really well.

I now exercise and have started running (yes really, never thought I would say that) and I have a 5k in 6 weeks.

I don't miss bread or pasta etc and I NEVER thought I would say that, in fact if I do eat them I feel awful.

Obviously low carbing isn't for everyone but it might be something to consider. I am evangelical about it. On the rare occasions I have had chocolate I genuinely don't like it, far too sweet and icky.

My hubby low carbs with me (after some initial resistance) and has lost 1.5st and says he feels amazing.
I eat a wide variety of food but I focus on unprocessed meat, green veg and natural oils.

Hop along to the bootcamp threads we are lovely and very supportive.

The diet has helped me look at all other areas of my life and I have made changes. When one thing is wrong ie weight I find it drags me down and makes all areas so much harder.

I have a gran like your mother, even after losing 2.5st she said to me yes you have lost a bit but your tummy still needs work!! Bless her. I just smile and nod now!

Good luck with however you decide to proceed. I always find starting is the hardest part. There are lots of lovely people on here who have been where you are and we can support you. Tell your skinny colleague to F off next time!

Hi OP, lots of good advice on this thread from wise ladies, I'm learning a lot thanks to you starting this!
I'm on a mission to lose weight and tone up after a long illness which led to gaining two stone as I was housebound and eating crap all day.
I echo the above advice about drinking lots of water. And walking.
But what kickstarted me into exercise was the Davina Mccall buff body ten minute warmup.
It's on youtube. To start with I was puffing and panting through it. Eventually it got easier and then motivated me to buy the 7 minute workouts.
Could you make your lunch a starting point as one healthy meal a day? Something that your twiggy colleague can't be snide about? It may be easier when you're busy at work to keep cravings at bay either side of your break.
Good luck OP, you sound like a lovely lady.

Hi all, about to go on lunch. I can't decide between buying either smoothie or soup to go.

I'm going to try to get a 10 min walk done. Very busy in work today so can't really take longer.

Your posts are all so lovely and supportive, its really what I need to keep me going

I do have an iphone, not sure where the health bit is though?

I'd go for the soup-much more likely to fill you up than a smoothie (which is also probably full of sugar). If I eat properly at mealtimes I'm much less likely to reach for the dreaded crisps (my big weakness!).

Don't worry if you can't manage a walk every day, or stick to your diet every day. As long as you have more good days than bad days you'll be going in the right direction.

Hi OP, I read this and just wanted to offer my support too - even if it is virtually. It does sound like you're overwhelmed with a lot of things, which then make it seem like there's no end (i got like this with debt so know the anxious and awful feeling)

I found the best thing to reduce the worry is to break everything down into little chunks, so no you won't have the skin you want, the lifestyle you want, the weight you want and the attitude from your DM you want all in 1 day - but you can take control of one at a time, when you're comfortable with one, add in another little change - then, before you know it everything is different.

for example -

I spend my work lunchtimes eating my lunch in my car as a PP said, have a walk, I'm on a big industrial site (its not pretty) but at lunchtime just have a wander about, nowhere in particular - usually make a phone call and don't stop moving while i'm on the phone, just a distraction from the surroundings.

I spend a fortune on makeup and jewelery partly to make me feel better but mainly to distract from my weight If you have any unused items, get them on ebay, if they're not sat there making you feel bad for spending then the guilt from that will go away - and your bank balance will increase in the process.

I have exercise videos unopened. I have unused skipping ropes. An unused exercise ball. An unused weighted hula hoop. An unused wii fit. as above - facebook or ebay them, regain control of your bank balance and lose the guilt of buying them and not using them.

I enlisted my personal trainer again last week this is the kick start I was talking about, just twice a week for half an hour is better than no times a week. she will not care about what you've put on, it's her job to help you lose it - she works for you - don't forget that. Without you she doesn't get paid.

I hope some of that helps, they're just ideas.

Hi Qforcucumber. You said "she works for you". That's true but she said to me when I got back that eating habits are the biggest part of losing weight and exercise alone won't do it.

Ebay is a good idea, I'll look into that.

I have opted for the smoothie option as I'm hot and I have a bad headache - again I get them alot, I attribute it to stress.

I had a 10 minute walk too and I'll try to put some more in later. My fitbit is currently saying 3,200 steps.

Skinny colleague isn't in today so that's one good thing.

I need to go home and do some ironing and tidying for a friend coming over tomorrow, that should burn off some more calories. The housework has been needing done all week so I need to find the motivation to do that as well tonight.

need to go home and do some ironing and tidying for a friend coming over tomorrow, that should burn off some more calories

It will, but, don't fall into the trap of "well that's 100 calories burnt so I can have a kitkat" - see any calories burnt as a contribution to your calorie deficit rather than as a way of justifying calorie intake.

I only say that as I've done that many times before and I think it's fine when you're maintaining a loss but dodgy ground when you're trying to lose as I think activity calories are often overstated or at least don't have a quick effect on weight loss whereas food does.

Sorry if that's patronising and you had zero intention of gobbling a kitkat!

The app on your phone is a white square with a red heart in it.

very I fully understand, and it is true what she said, what I meant is don't feel embarrassed or as if you're wasting her time. she won't see it as a waste of her time, she has a client and it's her job to help you, be that with exercise or educate on diet issues.

3200 steps is great for only halfway through the day - and housework will definitely add to that - some upbeat music while you clean and you'll dance through it

And you know OP even if you manage to be healthy for one meal each day it's a start.

Don't kick yourself if you have chocolate or whatever later. That's not a fail.

It's easy to fail when certain diets expect you to overhaul your eating in one go but it's so hard and millions can't achieve it.

Something to do, think about your most favourite healthy food.

Now I really love a crunchy fresh salad with eggs & tuna. Not because it's healthy but I find it delicious. So I try to have it as often as possible.

What are your fav healthy foods?

Also the drinking water thing. See all the rubbish we eat, if we eat lots of salt, our body needs to keeps the salt to water ratio correct in our bodies, otherwise we would be in danger. So if you are eating lots of salty foods or hidden salts then your body retains water. Once you start eating less processed foods and your salt intake reduces your body finally lets go of the excess water.......

very......Hi. Sorry your feeling bad about yourself. Have you thought of Paul McKenna hypnosis tapes and books. He speaks about diets never working long term. People never go on one diet and that's it, job done for life. They overate and binge either after the initial excitement if a new diet has worn off or when they have reached or nearly reached their target. I read a book about 15 years ago called Overcoming Overeating by Jane Hirschman and it made me cry to see how badly I had treated myself and my body. They are both based upon getting back in touch with your real hunger, like a child does and relearning to only eat when hungry and stop as soon as you are satisfied AND eat the foods you enjoy. Most people think they will never stop eating crisps, choc etc but once you let go of the diet mentality you have no need to overeat again.

Food is not good or bad, it's just food. Everyone has a different idea on what's good or bad anyway.

Milllii is definitely right about food being food. I found as soon as I banned myself from having things all I wanted to do was eat them! I now don't keep crisps in the house but I have then as a treat when I'm in a coffee shop, or walk over to the shop and buy them one packet at a time (even though it's more expensive).

I have a personal trainer too. She made me do a food diary which I hated but was really useful to see when my danger times for mindless grazing were and what to do to avoid them. Yours is right about weight loss mainly being diet but there are loads of benefits to exercise, not least being toned, strong and happier. I only have an hour a week too and it has made a huge difference, so don't knock your thirty minutes twice a week.

again you guys are truly lovely, it really helps to read through your advice. I still can't find that app though, I don't seem to have it?

QuiteLikely5 I am the world's fussiest eater but healthy foods I like are soup and smoothies as mentioned previously. I'm not really into fruit or veg in their 'whole' state if that makes sense.

I've been doing my nutracheck diary all day. I have 581 calories left to eat. That's not good. My steak and chips for dinner tonight will take me way over that.

I think my mum has gotten more unkind recently as my sister is coming over soon from where she lives abroad for the first time in 5 years (don't know if I mentioned this above) and she's very skinny, very houseproud etc and although my mum denies it, I know she's comparing us and thinking of how different I look to back then.