I am the heaviest I've ever been and have hit rock bottom

[DreamingOfADifferentMe]

As of today, I'm officially the heaviest I've ever been.

I look in the mirror and I loathe what I see. We don't even own a full-length mirror as I can't bear to look at myself and see what I've become.

I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own body. I struggle to bend over without getting breathless. I can't walk far without feeling out of breath or dizzy.

Every single day, my weight makes me desperately unhappy and yet what do I do to cheer myself up? I eat. I can't seem to stop this vicious cycle. It's damaging my health, screwing up my self-esteem and setting a really bad example to my children about what good health looks like.

I'm 5ft 4 and, as of today, I weigh 15st 11. I'm disgusted with myself. My husband is broad and strong and I weigh more than him. I weigh more than my tall, strapping dad. I think I weigh more than anyone in my family. And more than any of my friends. I feel like a second-class citizen and just want to hide away.

Only a handful of years ago, I weighed 12st 12 and I felt amazing. It was still classed as overweight but I felt wonderful and I desperately want to get back there. Yet, no matter what happens, it seems too far out of reach.

I've tried every diet under the sun and yet seem incapable of sticking to any of them longer than a week or two. We're members of an amazing gym as a family, and yet I use it the least of everyone.

I feel like I've hit rock bottom but the journey ahead seems so arduous and long, I feel too frightened to even take the first step, even though I know staying like this makes me desperately, desperately unhappy.

Please, tell me I'm not alone. And that this isn't the way things always need to be. I run a business, have beautiful happy, healthy children, and a fantastic husband, so my life is extraordinarily blessed, it's just me that lets it all down.

You can do this.

I did.

For me it helped me to understand why I was in that position, why some things worked for me and some didn't. I set goals and challenged my thought processes and developed new habits.

There's a really great cognitive behavioral therapy book called CBT for weight problems that helped me get my head round what I needed to do and how I was going to achieve it.

No quick fixes. I was 16 stone at heaviest pregnancy weight. I'm now just over 11 stone and fitter than ever.

What do you want?

If you truly have hit rock bottom, the only way is up! You should have motivation not to shovel everything you see in your face, at least long enough to give you a boost and a start. Have you dieted before? Do you basically know how to do it but just don't? Start now. Plan. Your eats for the next few days. Get your gym kit ready and go in the morning. I find having a good work out dampens my appetite. Don't know your work/childcare habits but can you plan to do it seriously, like a good hour five times a week? That's what I've been doing aswell as eating a lower cal diet and i've lost a stone in eight weeks and it really shows, I think because I've toned up too. You can do it, get on fitspiration sites and JUST DO IT. Good luck. I'm still overweight technically but no longer obese - yay! The spur for me was going back to the gym for my six month review and being told I'd actually gained half a stone and was now obese - I'd been playing at it those six months and I was so determined that when I go back another six months, she won't look at me piteously like I've just been wasing everyone's time even being a member - I really hope it's that same selfriteous woman who sees me after my second six months because I'll make her gag on her coffee at how fit I am and how fabulous I look! Maybe you need a hater like that to spur you on, lol. In another four months I'll be skinny - goddamit!!! Good luck!

Adding another voice to the 'you can do it'
I was the same weight as you and am a mere inch taller
I am now 10st10.
Once you really, really decide you're going to do this, and it sounds like you have, you will!
The best advice I can offer is:

1. Find a way of eating that suits you and your life. For me it's calorie counting, but with an eye to lower carb higher protein. Others swear by 5:2 or weigh watchers etc.
2. Quick fixes frequently fail. It's a long journey. People will say 'x diet always works for me', well if you've done it more than once then it doesn't...
3. Don't give up when you have a wobble (hols, Christmas, or just 'because') This will happen. Lots of times. Get back on it the next day.
4. Try and find some exercise that you enjoy. Exercise won't make you thin, but it'll make you feel good, and help you look better. Good luck

I fully agree with the others. Two years ago I was over 14.5st at 5ft2. Now I'm 10.5st (still 5ft2!). People ask me every day what diet I used, did I go to WW, etc, but all I did was eat a lot less (I calorie count and track portion sizes) and move a lot more (bootcamp, c25k, now even weight lifting!). It's what works for me. You will find what works for you.

And like dun1urkin says, it's about getting back on the wagon each time you fall off. And about allowing yourself to enjoy special occasions now and then and not beating yourself up for the bar of chocolate or bottle of wine or slice or 5 of cake. They are an important part of life too.

You can do it!

at still 5ft 2. Glad to hear it.

I feel too frightened to even take the first step

Play the long game. In a year's time you could be a) the same weight, b) heavier or c) a few stone lighter. What do you choose?

Taking the first step to get there is vital. In the grand scale of your life span, a year isn't really that long to commit to.

I'm on the journey. I'm 4.5 weeks in and after many false starts where I wasn't really feeling it, this time I'm committed and the weight is coming off (around a stone so far).

Join us on the summer weigh in thread. A few of us are doing different things, but we're posting our losses weekly and it is inspiring. My initial target was 2stone off by my summer holiday and the same again (more?) by Christmas.

Honestly, if I can do it, you can.

It sounds like you've had your lightbulb moment. Seize it. You are in control of you.

dreaming - here's a hand to haul you up to where you want to go.

You sound so sad but it's great that you have so much good in your life. You can find a way to do this.

Just to offer my own background, I lost a lot of weight on a vlcd two years ago and am now trying to lose further weight on the LC Bootcamp thread. Both have lots of good points and the bootcamp threads are fantastically supportive. You can find something that suits you and people who've been where you are and can help.

What are you thinking?

Also, opposite to brandy butter I've decided the why doesn't matter. I've decided the "wtf am I doing to change it" is my focus. Horses for courses - whatever works.

You do not need to go on a diet.
You need to change your forever eating habits.
One day at a time.
Every successful day will head you on the path.
Every unsuccessful day is a shrug and move on to the next day.

Start to log exactly what you eat on "MyFitnessPal" - even the inhaled tubs of icecream
not to restrict but to start to understand

once you get your head in the right direction your body will follow
without your head facing the right way it won't work

but the only way is up on the self esteem and down on the scales

I was there and in two and a half months everything has changed! If I can do it, any one can. I am doing low carb as I find it easier to cut out one group than cut back over all. Also easier to cook for the family - they get carbs, I don't.

My biggest achievement has been to join a gym and use it! This has been a revelation for me! I have been going for 6 weeks now and I actually look forward to my classes. I am fitter, slimmer and much more confident. Clothes are hanging off me.

I had given up on myself. It was a horrible feeling and I am glad that I refused to give in. Part of me dreaded doing anything about it because it seemed like a huge mountain to climb and it was easier to just let the situation persist. But frankly, that was bull!

Are you me?! Apart from the height and the fact I'm 2 and a half stone heavier than you I feel exactly as you do!

It's a horrible feeling isn't it? I go from one diet to the next for a few weeks, give up, go crazy and eat crap and gain it all back plus more.

I know this isn't exactly helpful but I just want you to know you're not alone

you're not alone. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I eat too much on purpose now and I don't know why. The thought of changing my eating habits frightens me and makes me cross. But I don't want to be this way either.

I will be looking for some CBT sessions to sort out my head with regard to food and life in general.

I feel for you. I feel like you. It's not nice. I think I can change but I am scared to for some reason.

I want to offer advice but I can't without sounding like a complete hypocrite. So all I can say is, I know how you feel.

Oh I came on to post similar , have had a lot of stress (still do) and I weight nearly 14st. I am am shamed to post up what I ate yesterday but I actually feel ill because of it. I'm starting today properly. I always have healthy food around but then I buy lots of junk. I will join one of those other summer threads someone mentioned. Why don't you start today too. Off to weigh myself now once I haul my sorry ass out of the bed.

After losing 18lbs in January, I have now gained 10lbs back and feel shitty about it. I really need to get back on it. I have started exercise, but I also started a rather expensive habit of buying supermarket meal deals, with their 1000 calories.

So, I will start small. I will not buy any premade sandwiches next week. At all. And if I manage it, I'll feel great, and not buy them the week after either. I will also cut out bread, which is my weakness. (I had six slices yesterday!) And I will weigh myself in a week and see what the difference is. Positive steps, easy to monitor.

I am TTC (with no luck) and although I have gynae problems, being overweight doesn't help either. A friend gave me a newborn vest, which I plan to display by the fridge. It's one or the other for me.

Honeysuckle I know what you mean, I bought a supermarket lunch deal yesterday and the sandwich isn't even nice. I'm here now making a slice of frenchtoast and fruit for breakfast. Tuna will be lunch and chicken for dinner. Have to do this. Good luck with ttc

Oh thank you all for your words of advice, support, empathy and understanding.

Nevergoogle, well done on your loss and you're absolutely right. I need to find out why I'm like this - I have a dreadful relationship with food that I've never understood. I'm intelligent, I know that making poor food choices and not doing an exercise results in weight gain. So why do I do it when I know how unhappy it makes me? I'll look for that book, it sounds like it could help shift the mental issue, which I know is 95% of the issue.

MMCanny, it's difficult to commit to that much exercise with my workload, but I'm definitely able to commit to three hour-long sessions a week and build up. I love your story and your determination to show that snarky cow how glorious you look!

dun1urkin, boarding and kanyesvest, bravo to you all. You've done so well, that's a staggering amount of weight to have lost. I'll think of you as proof that it can be done. Thank you for the inspiration.

Downwith, thank you so much. You're absolutely right - this is my choice. I can choose to stay the same, get bigger or tackle this head on. I'm a girl who likes a target so I'll come and join your summer thread.

Minstrel, thank you so much for the hand. It's lonely feeling like this, and having support means the world.

Talkin, thank you. You're absolutely right. I know this needs to be a forever change. I've yo-yoed all of my adult life, and it's miserable. I know that I need to take action and just do it. A pound in the right direction is movement down the scales and up in terms of my self-esteem.

And letmeget, Irish, honeysuckle and baron, let's take comfort in numbers, shall we? We all know how vile this feels and how it's like life is passing us by without us making the most of it. So, how about we join forces and tackle this once and for all? honeysuckle, it sounds like you're already on the right path and I so hope you find it gives you that longed-for baby you're dreaming of.

Baron, you could be me. I too self-sabotage. If I'm going to be 'bad', I may as well go the whole hog. If I'm offered a low-fat choice or a full-fat, even if I prefer the low-fat option, I go for the full-fat, just to spite myself. This can't be right, and, like you, I need to tackle it. Maybe the book that nevergoogle mentions could be a good starting point?

Some of you have asked what it is that I want. Do you know, I'm not entirely sure. I want to be healthy, I want to dress knowing anything I put on will look good. I want to not try and fade into the background all the time. The nature of my work with clients is that I have to be quite high-profile and visible - I want to feel the way I sound, full of confidence and positivity. At the moment, I feel like a fraud as I talk the talk and am secretly wishing everyone would stop looking at me. I want to feel like I fit in with my beautiful family, rather than the one who lets the side down. They look like a catalogue family, and then there's me... Actually, I think I want to feel like I'm doing myself justice. Does that make sense? I want to find me again, instead of this wreck who, every single day, is brought down by my weight.

So, how to tackle it? If I'm honest, I'm not sure which approach is best. I've tried Slimming World, Weight Watchers, 5:2, low-carb... Low-carb worked brilliantly but I found myself dreaming of pasta and salivating over bread.

I'm going to spend the next few days deciding on a course of action, and also planning my week to incorporate exercise and then it's a new me.

Anyone with me?

Dreaming I am so with you!

I've started a scrap-book/diary with my weight and a monthly goal. And healthy recipes cut out from magazines or copied off the Internet in the back.

My problem is I try to do it all at once and start well but burn out into a heap of starvation

I've decided I'm going to set a reminder once a month to weigh myself; I'm not going to put so much pressure on myself; I'm going to have one monthly goal to work towards.

My first goal is to walk for 30 minutes each day. Normally I get the bus to work so instead I'm trying to walk there, which is about 30 minutes walking.

My second proper day actually following this rule (which I set 2 weeks ago!) was yesterday and I walked to work and back. This morning I woke up to sore ankles from my shoes but I still walked to work. Not sure about walking back because I was exhausted yesterday but we'll see

I'm just hoping little changes will become ingrained in my brain and work towards slowly getting healthier!

Dreaming, it sounds to me like you might just be at the turning point. It took me a very long time to get there, but like you, I had got to the point where I felt I was the odd one out in my family. I realised I want to be here when my children are my age, and until then, I want to be able to run around the park or not worry if I'm too fat to rescue them from the top of the slide, or whatever.

For me, the most useful first step was working out what I was eating vs what I should be eating, and just changing from big (DH sized portions) to normal ones. I use MFP for that, but there are other options. I found as I did that I was more inclined to make better choices more often and try not to beat myself up when it all went wrong! If I screw up today, I try to let it go and start again tomorrow. Realising that this is a life-long change and a choice I will have to make every day are what keep me on track.

I absolutely promise you can do it!

Letme, well done! I found working exercise into my day like that is the best way to do it because it actually serves a purpose and, for me anyway, reduces chance that I'll get lazy and decide to stick my arse to the couch instead. And if you save your bus fares, you can get yourself a nice treat at the end of the month!

Agree that we should stick together! I have had success with Slimming World, losing 3.5st in past, but put it all back on during family trauma and am currently about 6lbs heavier than when I joined, years ago.

Still, had a bread free breakfast, will drink plenty of water and try to keep on the straight and narrow today.

One day at a time.

sounds to me like you are in a massive rut, and self loasthing makes it worse

1000% agree its really not about "going on a diet" its about massively changing how you view yourself, and how you manage your day and diet

you can do this! you have done it before hey

good luck XXXX

Dreaming that's a great update. You sound as though you are ready for something to shift.

I really recognise the sabotage thing - choosing the worst option because you are not and never have been a person who chooses the right option. You don't feel you are that person and you'd almost be faking it if you chose the fruit you really want over the chocolate you've always chosen. Because who are you kidding? You've always been fat and you're going to stay fat so don't start poncing about making different choices because that's just fake! It's a strange identity mismatch isn't it?

But the good news is, once you have found a programme you like you can experiment with being that person. The person who 90pc of the time makes good choices. You are entitled to be that person. It is a fake-it-till-you-make it situation but that's how I started.

I didn't want to be a person who did a vlcd. But I decided to try being that person and it was ok (hard obviously!) And then when I'd lost weight I had a gift I had to treasure (my body back) so it became easier to become that person more permanently.

Lots of support on here whichever route you choose.

I don't want to recommend an expensive gadget, but I have really, really benefitted from getting a Fitbit one. It is pedometer that you wear to track your daily movements (lots of threads on Mumsnet about it). It has motivated me to move so much more, just gradually stepping up my activity. And you really see the weight going down, just slowly, but steadily, and something made my brain "click" when I noted this, and my weight is going down and now staying down. And you get nice encouraging emails from the Fitbit people saying "well done" or "nearly there" . This works for me, and I hope might be something you can consider. Sending you warmest good wishes.

Dreaming, as to the "Why", I'm beginning to understand that I use food as a method of self-harm.

I eat things I like to show myself affection because I have low self-esteem and don't know how to accept or love myself. Then I starve myself to punish myself for being fat/lazy/useless, or stuff myself ditto. Hunger pains or satiety nausea are the harm I use to punish myself.

"JFDI" doesn't work for me because the restrictions/plans I make in one frame of mind are at odds with my frame of mind later on. I have had some success in the past (before youngest DC) with lazy 5:2 because the rules are more about timings rather than types and quantities of food - yes you can have a doughnut if you wait until 5pm/tomorrow.

For my own health I know that avoiding refined sugar makes a huge difference to my energy levels, skin clarity, etc. It makes less difference to my weight but DH lost about three stone with very few life changes.

As a first step, don't drink calories, only eat them. Many people can lower their daily calorie intake by 300-500 by not drinking milk, juice or alcohol, just clear tea or black coffee and water (can be fizzy). Somehow it feels less depriving to change your drinks than change your foods.

Good luck. We both need it!

OP you're like me: know all the diets, tried 'em all with varying degrees of success.

So I second Talkinpeace's suggestion yo log all your food into MyFitnessPal to get an idea of what you eat. Use that info ti try and work out which way of eating would work best for you.

After good losses on WeightWatchers pre-DD I can no longer be bothered to do all the planning, plus it can be an expensive way to eat / lose weight.
5:2 combined with strict use of MyFitnessPal works for me these days. I get to eat normally most of the time, then basically don't eat at all on Fast Days...what could be simpler or cheaper . They are surprisingly easy to manage too.
Whatever you decide to do: you CAN do this. We are all behind you