I am the heaviest I've ever been and have hit rock bottom

[DreamingOfADifferentMe]

As of today, I'm officially the heaviest I've ever been.

I look in the mirror and I loathe what I see. We don't even own a full-length mirror as I can't bear to look at myself and see what I've become.

I'm uncomfortable in my own skin, in my own body. I struggle to bend over without getting breathless. I can't walk far without feeling out of breath or dizzy.

Every single day, my weight makes me desperately unhappy and yet what do I do to cheer myself up? I eat. I can't seem to stop this vicious cycle. It's damaging my health, screwing up my self-esteem and setting a really bad example to my children about what good health looks like.

I'm 5ft 4 and, as of today, I weigh 15st 11. I'm disgusted with myself. My husband is broad and strong and I weigh more than him. I weigh more than my tall, strapping dad. I think I weigh more than anyone in my family. And more than any of my friends. I feel like a second-class citizen and just want to hide away.

Only a handful of years ago, I weighed 12st 12 and I felt amazing. It was still classed as overweight but I felt wonderful and I desperately want to get back there. Yet, no matter what happens, it seems too far out of reach.

I've tried every diet under the sun and yet seem incapable of sticking to any of them longer than a week or two. We're members of an amazing gym as a family, and yet I use it the least of everyone.

I feel like I've hit rock bottom but the journey ahead seems so arduous and long, I feel too frightened to even take the first step, even though I know staying like this makes me desperately, desperately unhappy.

Please, tell me I'm not alone. And that this isn't the way things always need to be. I run a business, have beautiful happy, healthy children, and a fantastic husband, so my life is extraordinarily blessed, it's just me that lets it all down.

Oops, second should have been

I am same height as you and was the same weight about 6 months ago. I have just upped my exercise at first and then the more you get in shape the more you stop eating so much as you feel better about yourself. I found Davinas 7 min DVD really good to get me back in the swing of things.
I have probaly lost about 2 stone but I don't weigh myself as I end up depressed and eating as I lose weight so slowly as I have PCOS - so it demotivates me. I use old clothes as a guide.
If you do something today- even a longish walk it will make you feel better about yourself.

Dreaming, I have been there and can relate to that absolute horrid feeling of being heavier than anyone in the family. You can make changes..and you can start today..

You don't have to do everything at once..even small baby steps to a healthier life are possible. MYFITNESSPAL is a free app. I joined MFP at my heaviest, when still in bed recovering from hip surgery. In a month's time I lost my first 10 lbs. I began exercising slowly. A ten minute walk, two times a day. I tried to add another five minutes every week. I promise, once you begin to see the smallest result, you will be encouraged to keep going. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Thanks kanye, I'm hoping I can keep it up this month and then work on another small goal to set myself. Money is right at the moment so the daily bus fare savings is going to make a difference I think if I keep it up I may buy myself a new lipstick, guilty pleasure!

Dreaming
Do not bother yourself just yet with any particular method of losing weight.
For the next week, just log every single morsel that you eat and every sip that you drink. Including that whole tube of pringles in less than three minutes

You will find that the act of logging the gruesome truth will make you think more about what you are eating.
And the moment you start to eat mindfully is the moment you are ready to prioritise which foods you will want to keep enjoying when you are lean and mean
and which are the foods that will no longer appear on your till receipts.

A useful trick is to designate most rooms in the house No Eating Zones : that results in going and getting food becoming a conscious decision rather than auto-pilot.
Also, if you can, look at every bite before you put it in your mouth.

A week or two of changing HOW you eat rather than WHAT you eat will set you on the right track.

Onward and upwards.

something I realised which sounds stupid but it clicked everything into place for me especially since I have been using Myfitnesspal, the day will pass whatever you do, it was really hard thinking about what I ate for the first few days, but then they had passed and soon enough I was 100 days in and never over target and over a stone down. I still have a long way to go, I am doing lowcarbbootcamp but like others have said whatever path you decide on there is loads of support on here.
Also would seconf the fitbit, I love mine so much, instead of sitting on the sofa in the evening I go on my stepper while watching tv, I just love seeing those numbers go up and getting the badges (I bet I was really easy to bribe with a sticker chart as a kid).

So I decided that so what if it takes me a year or more, that year will still pass and once it has passed that goal will be so much closer the finishing line wont be where it is now.

Good luck.

Dreaming, I was where you are now, about a year and a half ago. I've spent the intervening months doing some serious work on myself, with the help of a counsellor, and now... Well, I'm actually about the same weight I was then, and have just embarked on yet another weight loss campaign, which probably doesn't make you feel better. HOWEVER, and this is a big one, this time genuinely is different. I may be as heavy as I've ever been, but I am so far from rock bottom. Would I like to be slimmer? Yes. Is it the end of the world if it doesn't happen? Not even close. My self esteem and confidence don't depend on it; my happiness doesn't depend on it; my professional image doesn't depend on it (so much of that is inherited from self-esteem). I can't influence other people's feelings about my size, but nobody has a right to influence how I feel about myself (and I have told people so, in no uncertain terms!)

I love what PPs said about getting your head right. If you eat for reasons other than hunger, just banning the eating is like trying to fill a leaky bucket. Deal with the leaks first, and find some better strategies to deal with whatever emotional upheaval you've got going on.

Good advice from Talkin I am convinced that my success with low carb is in no small part due to the fact that I am watching and am conscious of everything that I eat.

I also read a diet thread or article just before or whist I am eating - that helps me a lot.

I had dreams about cup cakes - actually they were nightmares wherein I had eaten a cake - I would wake up feeling so angry and disappointed in myself!

If you believe that you can do it, you can. I have made a big effort to see my endeavours as a reward to myself. One thing that I have never done though is weigh myself. I am doing it on clothes size, because how I look and feel is more important than pounds and kilos.