That time when how shit and fat you are REALLY hits home? Yep, I'm there.

[ShelaghTurner]

So here's the story. I'm 5" 2, been overweight all my adult life (around size 18-22) but the last year particularly I've completely ballooned. I can't write the weights, I really can't. I've been kidding myself that I'm still a 22 but in reality I'm probably a 26, I calculate I've put on about 5 stone in the last year or so. I am a pinhead on a great big mass of flesh.

So I know all this, and am horrified and disgusted. But yesterday I saw The Photo and now I don't even want to leave the house. What the fuck have I done to myself?? I need to change this now before I kill myself with my bad habits.

Also, we're talking about a big extended family holiday in the summer and it turns out there'll possibly be flying involved. The thought of airline seat humiliation is filling me with dread.

To complicate matters I have an injury from a fall which is painful and means I can hobble at best at the moment. This is temporary and getting better but isn't yet. Also, I have severe back ache when I stand or walk for very short distances. This all limits my mobility. I feel 100. I feel shit. I'm constantly knackered and bad tempered. My life is miserable all through my own doing.

I've tried so many diets but just cannot stick to them, am totally pathetic I know. Am now considering surgery (which I know also requires lifestyle changes and isn't a cure all). The thought of it fills me with horror but I don't know where else to turn or where to go from here.

Sorry, this might not make much sense, I just feel shit about myself, shit that I've let it get this far and shit that I didn't do something about it when I was that bit more mobile.

Even though I know all the diets etc, I don't know where to start.

Shelagh, you aren't going to stay the same!

It's all changed today. And you were never shit, or pathetic, or any other thing you might think of yourself.

You've had the courage to post here and start again which is amazing.

Keep posting. What have you eaten today? What calories are you on?

Personally, I'd do a week of just recording what you are eating withiut restricting. I did that, and realised very quickly that a (for example) cheese slice eaten straight from the fridge, was really not worth the calories, compared to some decent cheese with my lunch. So I started making better choices. Then I started learning portion control.

I set myself a goal of 52lbs in 52 weeks and started on the 5th jan. I've lost 31lbs but I've stagnated for the last month, so this is a great motivator for me. Thank you :)

As for your hobby, it's doesn't need to be active, just immersing enough that you aren't thinking about food.

If you are getting cravings which you don't want to give into, go and brush your teeth. I find that puts me off food for a while. And gargling with corsodyl makes me not want to eat for ages.

You CAN do this. Every single pound is not a pound lost. It's a pound intentionally destroyed forever.

I agree with slight. Just logging what you eat will probably mean you snack less. You might find a chair based work out easier ATM, or it might be worth you trying Pilate's as that is recommended for a bad back

I am logging on MFP now. And have a huge salad planned for dinner. Alas I made the mistake of cooking the DDs sausages! So I am enjoying smelling them ;) but that is all. First day or two is always the hardest but I've spent most of today in tears, if I don't stay focussed then I'll spend tomorrow in tears too, and next week and next month.

You said you going on a foreign holiday this summer. If you are worried that you won't be able to do up your seatbelt, just tell the flight attendant as you get on the plane. They really are discreet about this. I've had times when I've needed to do it (seatbelt lengths always seem to vary and it's often a squeeze for me to do up-sometimes I just can't) and it really is no big deal.

Remember, you can eat those sausages if you want. I'm having them for dinner :)
Not depriving yourself is the easiest way to make lifestyle changes to your way of eating. This isn't a diet, it's learning what normal is.

I know. Problem is that it's now a matter of urgency to lose weight. Managing lifestyle can be worked out a bit further down the line. I know that if I'd eaten the sausages then I would have thrown in the towel this evening and would be in an even worse state of despair now.

I've felt a bit more in control today. Wretched, but in control. I am determined to make this the first step on the road.

And that's the thing - not eating the sausages has given you strength, not guilt.

Nothing wrong with a couple of sausages with your salad. If you deprive yourself of the things you really want them you will end up self sabotaging and binging. Its important to include all the foods you love but not to overeat them. Mindfull eating. If you do this then you would never need to ever diet again really.

Thank you for posting. A fellow short arse here and let's not talk about the size of that arse. It sucks doesn't it? It can also feel very lonely so I appreciate your honesty on this thread.

I'm just trying to eat better at the moment, which worked well until the weekend. However, more fruit and veg really did make me feel good last week, more energy and generally calmer. So I'm trying to use that to feel better. Instead of eating crap which makes me feel crap, I'm trying to eat better to make me feel better iyswim. It's ironic as I have always eaten to change the way i feel but not in a positive way.

If you want a buddy I'm here. I am not aiming for a drastic Cambridge/low carb/weight watchers thing because I've done them all and failed. (Actually I succeed for two weeks of 'perfection' and then fall face first into a plate of pasta/bananas/take away). I want to be able to eat a sandwich, apple, avocado without feeling like I've failed. So slow but steady and no more yo yo ing.

I've rambled and I'm not 100% sure what point I am making. Just that you wrote from the heart and you need to follow that heart to find the right way for you and I wish you luck, determination and strength! I'll be watching and cheering you on and walking alongside you.

I haven't RTFT but I wanted to say - nothing will change until you work out what the root cause of your overeating is. I realised relatively recently that I'm a stress eater, when I'd always chalked it up to boredom. It's not just stress though, it's particular types of stress I put myself under (I know, I'm so clever!) that are directly related to my parents' criticisms of me.

These things run deep. I recommend the writing of the therapist Susie Orbach - Fat is a Feminist Issue, and On Eating - to help you to think about what your overeating might be about.

Good luck.

Last summer i caught sight of myself in a full length mirror and felt exactly as you do, i told myself i would start that week counting calories for a year and see how i got on.
I still celebrated christmas and birthdays etc but this time i went straight back on it the following day.
I did not do exercise, i was too sore with arthritis, joint pain etc, but the counting calories was enough at the time anyway.

So, nine month later i have lost nearly six and a half stone.
I still have three month to go until the anniversary weigh in, but my arthritis is better, i have hardly any joint pain etc, i feel like a new woman!
I look back at my old eating habits and i am shocked at how i let myself go.
I never went to slimming classes, i don't agree with them.
Do it for yourself, be focused and don't let food rule your life anymore!

So many of the comments in this thread resonate with me.
I'm 5'3". I need to lose at least 6st. I injured my knee a couple of years ago and have been rather sedentary ever since, and my eating has got worse because I feel bored and lonely.
I feel like I've tried so many different diets but I never stick with them.
When I do pick a plan I find I stick to it for a few days then decide something else will work better then I find myself eating for England for weeks on end, all dieting forgotten!
I just wish I could choose a plan and stay with it.

How's it going Shelagh ?

I have been attending WW for about 10 weeks and have lost 24 pounds, everyone there is supportive and it does motivate you to stay focuseed attending a group. I still have three stone to go so it seems like a hell of a journey. You have taken the first step - admitting to yourself that you want to lose weight.