That time when how shit and fat you are REALLY hits home? Yep, I'm there.

[ShelaghTurner]

So here's the story. I'm 5" 2, been overweight all my adult life (around size 18-22) but the last year particularly I've completely ballooned. I can't write the weights, I really can't. I've been kidding myself that I'm still a 22 but in reality I'm probably a 26, I calculate I've put on about 5 stone in the last year or so. I am a pinhead on a great big mass of flesh.

So I know all this, and am horrified and disgusted. But yesterday I saw The Photo and now I don't even want to leave the house. What the fuck have I done to myself?? I need to change this now before I kill myself with my bad habits.

Also, we're talking about a big extended family holiday in the summer and it turns out there'll possibly be flying involved. The thought of airline seat humiliation is filling me with dread.

To complicate matters I have an injury from a fall which is painful and means I can hobble at best at the moment. This is temporary and getting better but isn't yet. Also, I have severe back ache when I stand or walk for very short distances. This all limits my mobility. I feel 100. I feel shit. I'm constantly knackered and bad tempered. My life is miserable all through my own doing.

I've tried so many diets but just cannot stick to them, am totally pathetic I know. Am now considering surgery (which I know also requires lifestyle changes and isn't a cure all). The thought of it fills me with horror but I don't know where else to turn or where to go from here.

Sorry, this might not make much sense, I just feel shit about myself, shit that I've let it get this far and shit that I didn't do something about it when I was that bit more mobile.

Even though I know all the diets etc, I don't know where to start.

If slimming world looked ok, give it a go...it is set up to be really supportive and going back even with a gain after your accident, they will be nothing but welcoming.

I've lost 7 stones and have a healthy BMI...though I'm aiming for the middle of healthy so I've got a stone to go. I was also officially a size 22, although I think I too was kidding myself - I'm taller though so I'm currently between a 12 and a 14.

I do exercise now, but that's because I can and because I'm trying to be healthier in general, I lost the first 4 stones before I did anything though.

Just read thread and I see that calorie counting has worked for you in the past. I would try that again, in combination with a slimming class if you can face/afford it. Start a thread / continue this one with progress too, it'll really help.

Oh and, there's no reason not to combine slimming world with calorie counting if it helps you to keep track of calories as well, I know people who do.

I don't because it makes me weird and obsessive about food, which is why other things haven't worked for me.

Shelagh, I'd strongly second the PP who said, first go to your GP. Someone in my family who was very obese got fantastic support from a nutritionist at the local hospital (with weekly appointments) and successfully lost a great deal of weight. A professional, NHS expert will make sure you are on a sustainable eating plan. Good luck with it!

I think sharingeverythingtwice's post is hugely inspirational

Also, do you have any kind of hobby or something that you really enjoy (gardening for example) that you find totally absorbing and stops you thinking about food? If not I would urge you to try and find one. Embark on a craft project, or a bit of diy, create a pot garden, just do some lovely window boxes ... etc, etc. All of these things make you (one) feel better about yourself.

Would you be able to swim without hurting yourself?

Also, maybe try Mindfulness, yoga, hypnotherapy or NLP to see if you can do anything about your self-sabotaging need to overeat.

I would do all of those things before embarking on yet another diet.

I sympathise Shelagh.

It sounds like this is the right time for you to make this work, sometimes you need to get to this place to find your motivation. I started a healthy diet and exercise plan a couple of weeks ago using lots of the tips on here and it feels different this time, I can do it and so can you. Two years ago I stopped drinking (wasn't an alcoholic but very much a nightly habit), I previously felt I couldn't do but the time was right, I don't really miss it.

On the diet front I am eating three healthy meals a day, only having puddings occasionally and snacking on fruit. It's hardly revolutionary and I don't feel deprived, I will start to count calories if/when the weight stops coming off.

I had some really bad habits before involving chocolate, cake, biscuits especially when nobody else was around to see but I don't need them, I was using them as a crutch when going through difficult times. I want a healthier life and a happier me.

Take care.

I've just reset my MFP after not logging in for ages!

I'm undecided about SW. Thinking of emailing the SW leader, who seemed lovely, and just...I don't know, let her know the situation and that I'm coming back. Or I could do what my dad suggested, which is let him weigh me every week. He's desperate for me to lose weight, very very worried about my health and rightly so. That'd be cheaper and would fit in with calorie counting and I'd probably be more scared of him than the SW woman!

Either way, today it starts. In my head, this is me for life, pretty much disabled in terms of mobility - every outing needs consideration and planning (not comparing myself to someone who has a disability)

I have to keep reminding myself that this time next year could be completely different rather than just writing myself off. I'm only 43 not 93!

Annoyingly, the one thing I do which makes me feel good about myself is writing (although you wouldn't know it from my garbled posts here!) which is the least active hobby I can think of!

And yes, some truly inspirational posts here which I shall read very closely when my 3 year old gets her head out of the way of my screen!

"That'd be cheaper and would fit in with calorie counting and I'd probably be more scared of him than the SW woman!"

Lol, the really useful bit is actually the other group members though.

And I've just printed out The Photo and stuck it to the fridge. No idea if that works or not but it can't hurt. It's next to one I found a while back of when I was about 11 stone (and thought I was MASSIVE!)

Shelagh, remember to be kind to yourself and take each day at a time.
You've had some brilliant advice on here.

Another thing that may help is writing down how you will feel when you lose the weight. Only use positive words and make them bullet points. Look at it daily to inspire yourself to succeed in your weight loss mission. Words like Proud, successful, determined etc are really powerful and can help with the emotional aspect of weight loss.

Also if you do "cheat" do not beat yourself up. Ask yourself how you felt when you are the packet of crisps/chocolate and then revert to your positive mindset. Make the rest of the day a great one!!

Just read you enjoy writing, maybe every time you feel like reaching for foods which aren't best for your health you write a journal of how you're feeling? And then when you're having a great day and feeling happy and positive you also note that down?

Oh Shelagh - do not whip yourself over this. Yep stuff has got a bit out of hand but that doesn't make you shit, it just makes you feel like shit.
I'm a firm believer in positive mind/positive body. Your mind is your biggest weapon for weight loss - use it!

I appreciate you said that exercise is a bit of a 'mare for you but I hugely encourage you to try to move. I'm not talking about using it as a tool for weight loss, I mean using it to make yourself feel better. Nothing Jane Fonda-esque to start with just some simple range of movement exercises or stretches, maybe some calf raises or mini squats (can you tell I'm a physio!!). By getting your body moving you're doing so much good for yourself, any calorie burn is just a positive side effect not the sole aim. Movement will be difficult and challenging at first but persevere as it'll help with any future operations or treatments you have to have - and it will make you feel better!!

Re the food: diets on the whole are a bit crap. It's a billion pound industry that doesn't ever make a loss! Boring as it is cutting down the amount you eat is the way to lose weight. Eating healthy nutritious food is what makes you healthier but health and weight loss eating. And they are two entirely different things and mostly they become too much for people to sustain as it's two massive changes in a short space of time. The PP who said about making weekly changes is onto a winner IMO. Set yourself one eating change to complete each week (something small) and take it from there.

If you can set yourself one eating and one movement change each week then you'll be making a huge difference to yourself. Plus if you don't lose weight one week, then you can still 'win' if you've successfully completed your other challenges.

Take it steady and give yourself a year to do it!

i also truly believe that if you are very overweight then low carbing is the most effective and most realistically do-able way to lose the weight in time frame that isn't so slow that you get totally demoralised. But I think if you have become very fat for quite complex psychological reasons then you may still need to address the reasons for your emotional over-eating and some counselling or hypnotherapy in conjunction with a low carb diet can be a good thing.

Look at this thread that's just been started today too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/2376152-I-have-got-so-fat-I-cant-wipe-my-own-arse?

perhaps you could speak to this lady and buddy up to spur one another on?

Shelagh You say you love writing so why not start your own blog on bloglovin.com. You can do it for you. Your weight loss journey. You may find you get lots of followers and will make new online supportive friends and enjoy your passion for writing at the same time.

With regards to weight loss, mindful eating is what works for me. I listen to Paul McKennas hypnosis CDs weekly. I did the gastric band hypnosis and it made a big difference. I really feel the signal to stop eating now when I have had enough to be satisfied and use the mindful eating principles of eat when truly feeling hunger, eat what I am hungry for and stop when satisfied. Body led calorie control.

I think th psychology of weight loss is key. It doesn't really matter what "diet" you follow - if you consume fewer calories than you use, you will lose weight.

I heard a saying once which has stuck with me "you can't hate yourself into a version of you that you love". You are NOT pathetic and shit. You do have scope to make healthier choices for you and your family. So focus on the positive- you are choosing to eat more healthily to be a good role model to your DDs, you are choosing this because you only get one body and you deserve to be healthy, you are choosing this because you will live longer and get to play with your (possible) grandchildren.

Make it a lifestyle change (not a diet) that you choose to move towards because you and your family deserve it.

My other mantra is "it didn't go on overnight, it won't come off overnight". Small changes every day will be sustainable, create new habits and have a positive long term impact.

Keep going!

Hi Shelagh,

Just wanted to find your thread and offer you some support in return

Now isn't it funny that reading your thread I want to cheer you on and tell you how amazing you are for taking this first step, and reassure you that you CAN DO IT, and we are all here to support you! Just as you did for me. We need to try and internalise those supportive feelings for ourselves!

I was particularly struck by you mentioning airline seats - I'm going on holiday in September and the last time I was on a plane I barely fitted into the seat, never mind the seatbelt. Of course I had to ask for an extension and also ask the (lovely) lady next to me if I could put the armrest up as it was digging in so much. I am determined to be smaller when I next get on!

You are not alone

I can put up a before and after picture of me if it would help any?

Feel free to say no, because I'd quite happily not as I find the before picture quite uncomfortable and I get a bit weird about any comments as it seems a bit like, yay you're normal instead of hugely obese, well done on eating less rather than feeling like I've achieved anything.

But if it would be at all helpful I will do...

If you feel addicted to bread and pasta, you MUST read Zoe Harcombe. You could be gluten intolerant - addictions to bread/pasta are very common if you are gluten intolerant, as are weight gain. I got my mum to stop eating bread for a month, and she dropped trouser sizes in the first 2 weeks - classic symptom of gluten intolerance.

www.zoeharcombe.com/ Lots of her articles. I got her books from the library. Very interesting reads, hugely motivating, very practical advice based on why it will work, you always know why you are doing what you are doing with Zoe Harcombe.

I had a nasty shock a couple of weeks ago and I started a new way of life (and a thread on here) as a result.

It's horrible. I've realised I've got a warped relationship with food and while I don't know exactly why, at the moment just identifying this has helped.

I'm only a couple of weeks in but I can see/feel a difference. I can also tell my apetite has changed. So yes I'm often hungry but I also think "what will fill me for longest and keep me on plan" rather than "chocolate, now!". It's a massive step forwards for me.

My mantras (some of which are stolen from here) are:

• I will never be this big again
• I'm in control
• I will lose weight (2st) by my holidays
• It's not easy but neither is being fat
• I'm hungry now but it wont kill me
• I could give in but I'd be hurting myself

I've set two targets. My holiday and Christmas.

I've also gorged on online success stories - ive read thousands of them now and dive back in when I'm wavering.

We can do it. It's hard. But, what's the alternative? More hard.

The pain of staying the same is greater than changing - is that where you are, OP? That's where change happens.

My back aches if I walk further than out to the car. I can only walk further then that if I have something to hold onto, like a pushchair. Injuring my ankle was a blessing in some ways, I had a walking stick for two weeks and walking was easier than normal. That's how mad it is. I'm out of breath walking up my own stairs. Everything I wear looks crap, I take up more space in the bed, on sofas etc than I should and it's even now restricting the cars I can drive (being a shortarse means I need to be nearer the pedals, except i can't move forward enough because my stomach is in the way and squashes against the steering wheel.

The pain of staying the same is unbearable.

Hey there
I had the ephinany when dd was coming up to secondary school.
I had a gastric bypass going from a 24 to a 12/14
I'm 5ft and solid. I'll never be slim but I'm normal.
I was 41 when I had my surgery and had dieted for 20 years.
I'd got to the size where it just seemed insurmountable to lose
Bmi 50.01 to 32
Still "obese " but I'm in size 12 and 14 as I say

Well done on starting today! You have motivated me to start as well.

What is your calorie count set to? Mine is 1700 which I think is high enough to still enjoy my food.

Swimming sounds like a great idea. I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old so am just getting some time for me back.