Finding out who your true friends are

[Wholenutislife]

Over the last 21 months ive lost 10 stone, 6 of which taking Mounjaro. At my biggest 21stone, I was morbidly obese, diabetic, severe BP, high cholesterol- could barely walk without pain, was on waiting lists for surgery that couldnt be done becsuse of my size. In short, very unhealthy. Ive changed my life entirely. I gym 5 days a week, ive never been fitter. Mounjaro has been amazing but ive also learnt good habits, nutrition and how to fed my body along the way. Ive given up alcohol. I have kept my mounjaro use private though, told a few friends and family. Most of my friends have been very supportive, building my confidence up and are very happy for me, always tell me how great ive done and amazing i look, how ive inspired them.
2 have not been like this, these were friends id see weekly and speak to a few times a week so close, one was great at the start but from 4 stone lost onwards hasn't said a word, no support but no negativity either - just nothing- she does know I was taking mounjaro.
The other friend said to me after id lost 3 stone how good I looked but said she knows I dont like talking about it - i said thank you but also didnt know why she thought that and im happy to talk about it always. When id lost 5 stone she started making comments to me how id lost too much (i was still over 16 stone at this point!) How's it was clearly unhealthy (no that was when I was 21 stone and rattled with meds) how clearly I was on drugs (err so what if I am and no ones business- I ignored, ive not told her about mounjaro) and that she was "worried" about me and that i shouldnt loose more. I was very upset, hurt but I said nothing. In early summer she casually asked what size I was now, I answered but she again said nothing positive. Ive lost another 4/5 stone since and she's not said another word, never anything positive or encouraging or supportive, not even a 'oh you look nice'. Im so hurt, especially when I compare to how other friends have helped and treated me along the way. Both have complained multiple times I no longer drink or want takeaways every time I see them. I feel like I want to move away from the friendships, I hate the competitive insecurities, why cant they just be supportive and happy for me? But I dont want confrontation, there is crossover to other friendship groups so I dont want to tell them how upset I am but likewise dont want this negativity in my life. How do I quietly remove myself? Ive tried saying im busy, ive tried reducing the contact but they keep pushing to the point one will say how they miss me, im not making effort, I need to do more and generally pushing me into a guilt corner that I agree to see them but then I regret it. Im just too hurt to want the friendships to continue how they were. Is there anything I can do other than keep saying im not available?

Don’t look to them for validation op, you’re not going to get it, deep down they are envious of your achievement. Do this for yourself and no one else. Momentous change in our lives be it bereavement, promotion, inheritance, or big changes in our weight will always show people for who they are, it happens all the time, you either have to accept your friends despite their flaws or slowly remove yourself from their lives. I speak from experience over the years of having depression, bereavements, and loosing lots of weight the same as you on MJ. People are flawed and sometimes it’s not about you it’s because they are struggling themselves they just can’t be pleased or supportive for others. Social media is full of conversations like yours where people are upset that close friends, family are critical and resentful of weight loss jabs and their success. It’s a huge change in the way we view and treat obesity, we are the first generation of people to be experiencing this. In two generations time it will be part of mainstream medicine and no one will bat an eyelid.

You’ve don’t a fantastic job, congrats.

a couple of points, you need to realise their reaction is not about you, it’s about them. Their own issues with their own bodies and insecurity,

my sil is the same, she doesn’t mention it, and stares at me, like proper stares eyeing me up and down, it makes me really uncomfortable, when it comes up in convo, never raised by me, she says nothing, if I’m complimented she sighs. I simply ignore it. Because it’s not about me, it’s about her. She can’t bring herself to engage on it due to her own issues.

on a seperate note, I am quite happy to have healthy sized portions of whatever, be it going out to dinner or getting a takeaway, it’s never stopped me joining in, I also enjoy a few drinks when socialising. We are all doing our own journeys, but I do think it’s important not to turn it into who you are, and beleive me, at six and a half stone down I understand fully how big a deal it is. I’m in maintenance, but even during my weight loss phase I never allowed it to impact my social life. So maybe you could have takeaway when socialising or a couple of drinks. It honestly doesn’t really impact your weight loss journey as you go straight back on the wagon the next day and as long as it’s in moderation, people don’t really notice if you don’t eat a lot or only have one or two drinks.

good luck, and don’t over think it and just accept that all you’re seeing is their issues about them.

Thank you for your words, I know you are right. It just hurts when its people i truly thought were good friends. But I know it says more about them than me, I think thats why im so disappointed because I genuinely thought they were my champions, like my other friends are.
Oh I do still have the odd takeaway, just less frequent and with my husband normally. I still go out for dinner frequently with other friends or cinema or things that dont include eating but thats very tricky. So I am still balancing and enjoying a treat but I just dont want to do it every week and honestly when I do, I often feel quite ill afterwards so it puts me off, same with alcohol. Id still drink, its not that, but how I felt afterwards was horrific so i cut down...im sure ill still have a couple over the christmas break just not excessively like I would have in the past. My body and tolerances have definitely changed.

Thank you for your kind words. I just think its really sad if you cant be happy for someone you're meant to value...you're completely right in what you are saying - I have done it for myself and my health not for anyone else, thank you for the reminder ❤️

The thing about wanting them to be your champions, you want them to put you above them. When someone’s feelings are so strong, that’s a big ask. They aren’t doing it as they woke up and thought they want to ignore it, they are doing it as they are struggling.

don’t get me wrong, it annoys me too, my sil does it. But I simply don’t take it personally, as I understand fully she’s obese, has signficant issues and it is just not about me.

on food making you unwell, I’d consider if you’re on too high a dose, or if you’re eating fatty or carby food when you get a takeaway, most places, except say burger places, you can get healthy options, and in 18 months I’ve never had an issue for example I get tandoori meat without sauce and plain rice if an Indian, something similar with Chinese, I have a couple of glasses of wine, but am fully hydrated and drink water as I go. Just eat a small portion,

But don’t let it impact your social life so much that you don’t want to join in as you’re saying, won’t get a takeaway, and sit and resent the fact ghese two won’t validate your weight loss.

Hi OP, I'm 6 stone down, and another 3 more to go. I find the reveal of people's true colours absolutely fascinating. I assume these friends are slimmer than you.

I agree with all of the above! You're doing this for you. I assume that they didn't say anything when you gained the weight, so they aren't saying anything when you're losing the weight, and that's ok! I know you have had some rude comments by them, but I'd always have a response ready. Even something like "well I can't be wasting away if you're slimmer than me" or "yes the plan is to hopefully get the wind to blow me away" hahaha. Don't let it bother you. (Easier said than done, I know).

My size 12 sister asked me "what is my secret" to losing weight, and I just said "I'm doing the same thing you're doing to remain a size 12!"

You must understand the dynamic has shifted. If you all enjoy going out eating/drinking, that's how it's always been and how you have bonded, so it's different when someone decides they aren't going to do that. Think of the friends people make during smoking breaks and then suddenly giving up. This is the time that people start to make friends in their new life - like at the gym or running clubs.

Hi, well done on your loss!
Yes I have made friends at the gym and you're right in that our friendships revolved around eating and alcohol probably 70% of the time. But id happily accept just that 30% if I wasn't feeling so upset by them. But completely agree with what you've said, I know it deep down. Funny you should ask ...yes they were both considerably smaller than me..however the one that started off being supportive but stopped is actually bigger than me now, and I do think thats something to do with it. The other has always been very skinny. I think it comes down to I just feel happy for people and their achievements and I dont push my own insecurities on to friends...but I totally get it and things have changed.

I don't know that it's up to them to be your champions, exactly - personally, I wouldn't normally feel comfortable raising the subject of a friend's weight or eating habits, even in a positive way! It's just a subject where I feel it's easy to give offence or hurt someone's feelings.

But they certainly shouldn't be criticising you for getting healthier, or complaining about you not drinking or having fewer takeaways! If you don't have more in common than drinking and takeaways then it may be time to re-evaluate your friendship with them.