Wedding guest list dilemma

[NeptuneMoon]

I know this must be a common problem but how do people deal with this.

I’m getting married next year (later in life - in my 50s) and trying to sort out the guest list. We have an upper limit of 80.

I have a group of friends in the city where I live from my kids’ primary school days. We do a lot of stuff together - nights out, weekends away. There’s a newish addition to the group, last two years, who I don’t know so well but she’s very much a part of everything we do now. I want to invite these friends but it seems awful to exclude her. At the same time, I have older friends outside this group - who it would actually be a lot easier to exclude since they won’t feel they’ve been left out of a specific group - but who I’d MUCH rather invite if you see what I mean…

The wedding isn’t local so I can’t divide into day and evening guests.

For me the consideration isnt her. Its the group.
If you leave her out you might cause issues for yourself in the group. People will have an opinion either way and it will make things tense. Rightly or wrongly People remember and hold grudges and its sometimes not who you would expect.

+2 isnt much of a difference.

if its really tipping you over the edge.
Given they are a gang of mums friends why not just say numbers are capped and dont give +1s. They can all hang out together.

I agree. It's going to cause divisions. People will probably disagree with you for leaving her out, especially if she is upset. I'm a similar age and I know if I did something like this in one of my groups, it wouldn't be looked on well. Part of the group for two years isn't nothing. It's a decent period of time. It might make things awkward for you in the group. You're also telling her she isn't really part of the group if you leave her out.

It’s your wedding. Yours! Stop being such a people pleaser and think about who you want there. I’d say no to this person as they’re nice as part of a group, but as you say, you don’t meet up 121 or anything beyond that. That’s a friendship of convenience to me.

I wouldn't exclude one person from a group. Not only would it be hurtful but it could spoil the group dynamic going forward.

Inviting them all without plus ones is a good idea if you're not close to their partners? Or do you have another group who could come together without plus ones? Maybe uni friends whose partners you don't know as well?

I feel for you, guest lists are always tricky!

I got married last year (also in 50s) and had some similar dilemmas. Despite the venue being 100 miles away from where many guests lived, we decided to invite some evening guests - to allow us to extend beyond the limit for sit down meal - and they were all excited and were thrilled and came along. Treated it as a weekend away. I hadn’t expected it but it really worked.
i also had a group of friends that I invited without partners saying we were really stuck for space but their partners were welcome in the evening. That also worked.
i know how stressful this can be but it’s amazing how excited people were with the evening invites too which massively helped us out on several dilemmas. Good luck!

So is the limitation the budget, or the numbers that the venue will allow?

If it's budget, I'd be tempted to find a way. Cut something else like a few flowers or whatever. It's only one person (or two if she has a +1). Also, you will probably find you get quite a lot of cash gifts which end up helping with the cost of the wedding. This is something I would happily tip a little over budget for to avoid awkwardness.

If it's the venue has a limit of 80 then that's different and it would be a shame to invite her over an actual close friend. In that case I think you just have to go ahead and not invite her. Perhaps you could actually tell her the reason, she will probably understand if you are genuinely not close.

Also this! I have travelled 200 miles for an evening wedding invite before with a group of friends and had a really good weekend.

You could make the whole group an evening invite so they can go together and make a weekend of it.

That's how I sent my wedding invitations and I later invited more friends because some 1st stage invitees declined.

If you want to manage numbers, you could select a inconvenient date for general guests but one family members would prioritise. We got married on Easter weekend 20 yrs ago and that helped to trim guest numbers. We both come from huge family and friends groups & initial guest numbers were 300. As lots of people go away for Easter, we had 100 decline which was fine. We budgeted for 200 but invited 300 and 200 attended in the end. However, nobody was left off the invitation list.

Invite all the women in group for the day and plus ones for the evening. The men who know each other can hang together in the day if they want or just chill in pub or hotel room. Or just not attend and the women decide to share to save money.

I think you need to include her as she’s part of the group.

I don’t think you need to invite partners you don’t actually know if people are in a group.

I know it’s awkward but is there a way of discussing this with them and explaining you just can’t have everyone and their partner. I would understand if it was me.

I happily went to an evening reception with old friends without a +1.

It would really be very hurtful to leave’s not her out. If you are expecting people to travel, book accommodation and childcare, you will surely get a few who don’t accept.

Invite the lot, you will most likely have some people who will decline. DD married last year, invited 83 and ended up with 76, no one offended.

Yes, this is a possibility. Though one or two of the husbands have become good friends too - another complication!

I would say privately to these friends “Actually we’d have loved to invite Bob as we consider him a friend too, but the only way to do it without excluding anyone was to say no partners full stop”. Genuine friends will understand.

Invite in tranches, starting with family and closest friends. Chances are you'll get a few declines and then it's a moot point.

I had a significant birthday recently, so had an expensive party, with a very set limit on numbers. I divided my guest list into those I definitely wanted to invite, and then the secondary list (people part of our friendship group who I was less close to). It all worked out fine. What i didn't do, however, was invite anyone I wasn't really 'friends' with.

Absolutely invited the group without partners and your oldest other friends. Invite partners in evening. If people rsvp no, bump up partners to the day?

You have my sympathy. It's easy to overthink these things.

i'd go for the ones that are part of my life now ....

It’s really tricky isn’t it, when extra people become part of a group and you get on with them fine but they’re not really YOUR friend.

We have a similar dynamic in my friendship group where two of my close friends have another close friend, but she and I didn’t really gel even though we are polite and friendly to each other.

Sometimes I’d like to organise something with my close friends, but always feel like she needs to be included because she’s their mate! I end up not arranging things because of this - but what I’ve recently realised is that if SHE invited my two close friends to something but didn’t invite me, I’d be absolutely fine with it.

If this person was getting married, and didn’t include you, would you be ok with it?