Wedding guest list dilemma

[NeptuneMoon]

I know this must be a common problem but how do people deal with this.

I’m getting married next year (later in life - in my 50s) and trying to sort out the guest list. We have an upper limit of 80.

I have a group of friends in the city where I live from my kids’ primary school days. We do a lot of stuff together - nights out, weekends away. There’s a newish addition to the group, last two years, who I don’t know so well but she’s very much a part of everything we do now. I want to invite these friends but it seems awful to exclude her. At the same time, I have older friends outside this group - who it would actually be a lot easier to exclude since they won’t feel they’ve been left out of a specific group - but who I’d MUCH rather invite if you see what I mean…

The wedding isn’t local so I can’t divide into day and evening guests.

Personally, I’d find a venue big enough to accommodate everyone I wanted to invite, including plus ones where appropriate, and avoid this kind of issue. It’s a wedding, not an occasion that should make anyone feel left out or sad.

How’s that a dilemma. You can’t exc one person from a group. What’s wrong with you.

If it was me I’d probably not exclude one person from a friend group because I’m hyper sensitive to these kind of things and couldn’t bear to hurt someone. People often remember these things forever as well. But you know her, some people might be very resilient and be fine with it if you explain it to them.

I doubt the OP is going to change her venue just because you think she needs to be able to invite more guests. People have budgets and can't invite unlimited people.

That is a tricky dilemma OP. How do you think this person would react to not being invited. Would it affect future group dynamics? Also are the older friends people you would really value having there with you? Would they be put out not to be invited?

I don't know what the 'done' thing is now.
Back in 'my day' you could send invites out in tranches, so in your case you could send eg the family invites, then if some decline you know who you have room to invite in the second batch.

Similarly this is where I think save the dates are helpful. Send them to the 'top 40' then if some know already they can't do the date they'll let you know, which frees up invitations.

It was very obvious from the post what the dilemma is

perhaps people wont be able to come

It's always hard with these decisions on weddings.

It surely depends if you are pushing the numbers limit. She's just one person so it doesn't make much difference unless you are literally at your limit, then you have to start prioritising.

In my experience people are usually understanding about numbers constraints and if you really don't feel you have much of a connection with her then I can't see it being a big problem.

It partly depends how often you see her though - if you've known her for two years and see her every week then she'll probably rightly expect an invite with the group. If you only see the group every few months so have only actually met her a handful of times then probably not? - Only you really know how much of a connection you have?

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with leaving someone out, if you really don't have much of a relationship with them, but it does depend.

It's also worth considering though that she will probably remain a part of this group in the future by the sounds of it, so you may well become closer. Everyone will be talking about the event and it will sort of exclude her from the group, all the chat leading up to it and after it, photos etc.

But the end of the day it's your wedding - you don't want to look back on it and regret who you did/ didn't invite.

Agreed - we are pushing the upper limit and she’s just one person (plus her husband who I’ve barely met) - but we’re having to make a few tough decisions and this is one example.

She’s very much part of the group now and for that reason I see her quite a lot - but I don’t feel I know her that well and don’t consider her a close friend personally.

I’d hate her to feel left out - but it seems wrong she could potentially take the place of an older and dearer friend. Aaaaargh.

I got married last year in my 50’s. We chose a venue that was special for us and near to where we lived that limited us to 60 in the day with 20 more at night. We prioritised our kids and friends over relatives and had a wonderful day. We also found most people said yes but we got maybe 2 or 3 slots to reallocate.

If you really want this new friend to come, squeeze her in. I asked my NCT friends not to bring husbands that would rather not be there to make space.

At the end of the day a wedding is about a couple getting married with their nearest and dearest there. It’s not about creating an event to please others. and in our 50’s we know we can’t please everyone all of the time.

You can't exclude one person from a group. That's just hurtful.

do they have to bring a plus 1?

Just invite your friends from that group but not their husbands. It would be cruel to leave that one friend out and have longer lasting impacts on the group dynamics

Agree with dropping the +1. They'll be together as a group, so won't need a partner. Then you can avoiding leaving just one member of a group out, which is mean.

Yes, I think you’re right. If it was me I’d feel rubbish.
It’s just a weird situation as I don’t feel like I know her really - we never contact each other one to one for example. Whereas I have friends who go back years but who I rarely see because they live elsewhere.

This. It’s only one extra person. Would be cruel to exclude her.

I agree, invite them as a group without their partners

Yes, this is a possibility. Though one or two of the husbands have become good friends too - another complication!
Thanks for your advice all - I’m finding this part of the process quite stressful. I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and wish we could invite more.

Choose a different venue that allows you to invite more? In the end, the wedding is one day and friendships are important for the longer term.

I would explain to the group of friends that in order to invite them all, you are having to drop the plus ones.

My friends would be fine with that explanation.

Our venue is chosen, as a place special to us, and we have a budget unfortunately.

There are others you’d rather invite, you’re not close, so don’t invite her and her plus one. She’d be U to be annoyed.

Or change your plan about a few evening only invitations - up to her whether she accepts.

Invite the group without plus ones. Any husbands who are actual friends get their own invite. Problem sorted!

I think I’d just ditch the plus 1’s for that group. Actually if you’re really good friends I’d ask them collectively and say “as you know the wedding is really small and really want to invite all my friends, would you mind if it was girls only for our group” I think in our 50’s people would get this

Yes, this. Same goes to work colleagues or other groups - if they’re a group as one, there’s no obligation to invite other halves.