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Original poster

Bridesmaid conundrum

42 replies

worriedmammy1992 · 10/08/2025 23:08

A bit of a first world problem question.

I have 4 best friends and I’d like them all to be bridesmaids but due to various reasons, money for hair, make up and outfits is a lot. Also our venue is very small so it would be just super crowded as we have went full capacity.

I think it would mean a lot to them to have the ‘title’ and I’d still love them to be involved with the morning of and get pictures etc, so would it be acceptable to say to them I’d love them to be bridesmaids but I’d love them to come dressed as they please and not walk down the aisle with me etc?

standing with my partner and I is our two best people and our kids.

ultimately they’re my friends and I know them well enough I think this will be okay with them but I’d like some other thoughts and opinions if anyone has any thoughts they’d like to share if their friend said this to them.

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 10/08/2025 23:11

Bridesmaids in name only?

You can get cheap dresses and they can pay for their own hair and makeup - or do their own.

Just explain that it’s a small wedding and we can stretch to the full cost of everything

OldBeyondMyYears · 10/08/2025 23:13

Just tell them what you’ve said here…that it’s not practical or affordable for you.

A bit bonkers asking them to be ‘fake bridesmaids’ just for your photos and to help you get ready. They’re either proper bridesmaids or guests!

overweightteacher · 10/08/2025 23:19

Surely if you've already got kids you'd think they'd get that it's just them and you in the bridal party? As long as they are all not bridesmaids and you don't pick one or two then it's fine!

heroinechic · 10/08/2025 23:20

I don’t think it’s a good idea.

You don’t have to pay for hair and make up for them, they can do their own or each others (or pay for it themselves if they are that bothered!). I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times and have never had my make up done! I did my make up for my own wedding (not budget related).

I think you either find a few hundred quid for their dresses & flowers or you don’t have them as bridesmaids. Calling them bridesmaids but then not dressing them as bridesmaids or having them walk down the aisle is odd.

HenDoNot · 10/08/2025 23:21

The fact is you can’t afford to have 4 bridesmaids.

Or rather, you probably could, but you’ve chosen to spends your funds elsewhere in the wedding. Which is absolutely your choice.

But honestly, asking them to “have the title of ‘bridesmaids’” when they are doing nothing that bridesmaids would do is quite bizzare, and smacks of you hoping (hinting) that they’ll offer to buy their own dresses, etc - and essentially fund part of your wedding for you, which is cringeworthy.

user1471548941 · 10/08/2025 23:21

If I was your best friend and knew your wedding was a budget/space constraint, I would still want to be your bridesmaid! If the circumstances were genuine and the ask to be a bridesmaid a heartfelt expression of a true friendship, I’d be happy to purchase my own dress but let you have a say in colour and do my own hair and make up.

I’d be sad not to walk down the aisle but it’s the norm not to have bridesmaids stood at the front (I’m sure this is an Americanism that’s been embraced over here) and would consider it the norm to walk down the aisle and then slide into a reserved seat near the front and be on hand to help with dress/flowers as required- both times I’ve been a bridesmaid I’ve been on the exit seat of the second row.

WellIquitelikesprouts · 10/08/2025 23:24

How about calling them 'supporters' or 'sponsors' or something? You could arrange for photos of the four of them chatting with you over a drink while you get ready in the morning, and again standing with you after the ceremony. I wouldn't call them bridesmaids unless they are going to do all the traditional stuff.

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/08/2025 23:26

Do you have a DSIS? Maybe rather than potentially offending one or more of them , don't have any friends as bridesmaids.

TwinklyNight · 10/08/2025 23:27

I was in a weddng three of us were 3 bm's. Bride told us to wear anything in purple or lavender (she bought us flowers to carry.).

CarpetKnees · 11/08/2025 00:25

Why not just say - "We're having just our "best people" (a term which has already told them they aren't ranked as your closest friends) and our dc in the wedding party, but I'd love it if you were able to come over in the morning and support me" ?
Though, how is it your "best people" aren't doing that?

Original poster
worriedmammy1992 · 11/08/2025 00:34

Thank you for the responses.

To maybe defend myself on some things, I don’t want them to buy dresses I’ve picked or chose in anyway. They don’t even have to match my colour scheme. If I had the money, I’d rather do what I’ve done with my MOH (my sister to answer another question) is give her a budget and my colour scheme and pick a dress they like.

I wouldn’t ask them to be ‘fake bridesmaids’ for my benefit, I’m quite comfortable on my own but each have expressed excitement about helping me to get ready etc and the mention of photos was probably silly of me to mention as I’d have group shots with them bridesmaids or not.

In response to the having just us and kids in the bridal party, this is kind of my point, is they’ve expressed interest in ‘traditional bridesmaids’ things and that’s why I thought the ‘title’ would mean something to them but we want our bridal party as such to be intimate.

my original plan was to just have my sister but I genuinely think the way user1461548941 has described is how my friends may feel.

What im hoping for is maybe a compromise as such as to what works for me whilst giving my friends what they would also want. I’m also the first in our friend group to get married and so I think that’s where their excitement is coming from. I know two of my friends for definite would love this idea as they would hate walking down etc and would hate to be in a dress that was picked for them, the other two I’m not sure how they would take it.

I also would like to add in autistic as reading back I think I sound maybe a little cold towards my friends but I do love them dearly and would love to give them what they want but whilst respecting what works for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmammy1992 · 11/08/2025 00:40

CarpetKnees · 11/08/2025 00:25

Why not just say - "We're having just our "best people" (a term which has already told them they aren't ranked as your closest friends) and our dc in the wedding party, but I'd love it if you were able to come over in the morning and support me" ?
Though, how is it your "best people" aren't doing that?

They are my closest friends, our best people are our siblings. I used that term only for here for quickness instead of maid of honour and best man, long day and brain isn’t fully functioning haha. And our siblings will be there in the morning it is my friends who have expressed interest, I would probably find that many people overwhelming tbh, I think I will find the whole day overwhelming haha.

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 11/08/2025 00:40

Then ask them what they’d prefer?

If your sister is in lilac, maybe they could go with a contrast colour, Maybe they’d be more voted to buy a matching dress?
How will you know unless you asked?

HeddaGarbled · 11/08/2025 00:42

They don’t need to have their hair and make-up done by a professional. No-one used to - that’s a new expectation.

Traditionally, the groom has a best man and the bride has bridesmaids, not another best person, but presumably you’ve already asked this person and can’t scrap that?

Also traditionally, the bridesmaids follow you down the aisle but then they sit down during the ceremony (as does the best man until he pops up briefly to hand the ring to the groom) so you shouldn’t have anyone standing with you during the vows.

Original poster
worriedmammy1992 · 11/08/2025 00:47

The only wedding I’ve been too recently, the whole bridal party was standing the whole time and the bride was chatting wedding stuff to me (not at the wedding, after) and was going on about the cost of hair, make up and dresses etc, I just took that to be the norm as that is was the first wedding I’ve been to since I was a young child/ early teens. So I’ve just took that as the norm. Maybe I’ve over thought it as my mum and sister were going to help me with hair and make up which was the stress of 4 other people needing it done also.

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmammy1992 · 11/08/2025 00:49

HeddaGarbled · 11/08/2025 00:42

They don’t need to have their hair and make-up done by a professional. No-one used to - that’s a new expectation.

Traditionally, the groom has a best man and the bride has bridesmaids, not another best person, but presumably you’ve already asked this person and can’t scrap that?

Also traditionally, the bridesmaids follow you down the aisle but then they sit down during the ceremony (as does the best man until he pops up briefly to hand the ring to the groom) so you shouldn’t have anyone standing with you during the vows.

Yes sorry, my late night brain fog has maybe made that unclear, we have one maid of honour and one groomsman and our kids as our party.

OP posts:
CarpetKnees · 11/08/2025 00:54

So, you don't actually want them there in the morning ?

So that's all resolved then.

If they want to be involved in some way, would they organise a hen do for you ?

Original poster
worriedmammy1992 · 11/08/2025 01:01

CarpetKnees · 11/08/2025 00:54

So, you don't actually want them there in the morning ?

So that's all resolved then.

If they want to be involved in some way, would they organise a hen do for you ?

Not that I don’t want them there but I was happy with a smaller number but their excitement makes me want them there in the sense that I would be happy because they are and as I said I’d find the whole day overwhelming and what’s one more thing if it makes my friends happy.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 11/08/2025 01:10

I had my sister as maid of honour and that’s it. No bridesmaids. If not dressing up and walking with you they aren’t bridesmaids are they? Just leave it at that. I mean I can see a little girl getting excited about being a bridesmaid but I certainly wouldn’t want to be one past 30.

Original poster
worriedmammy1992 · 11/08/2025 01:10

Sorry, I’ve actually just realised the potentially most important piece of information I haven’t mentioned is they all assumed off the bat I was having and they would be bridesmaids (well two assumed they would be maid of honour) and I would love them to be if not for things I’ve mentioned. And whilst we are still working our budgets etc I have said to them we haven’t decided on it yet and so now I’m feeling pressed for an answer and I know if I say that we’re having an intimate bridal party they will be very disheartened, not enough to fall out but still that is my reasoning for looking for a bit of a compromise and so many things that are traditional seem to be more about the couples preferences rather than tradition and so I was hoping there may have been something like that for this.

ultimately of course, this is as I said a first world problem, I’m not too stressed over it, it’s just playing on my mind and if I say no bridesmaids we will all still be friends but I was just hoping there was maybe an alternative and this is probably information I should have put in my first post but brain fog 😶‍🌫️

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 11/08/2025 01:15

The only wedding I’ve been too recently, the whole bridal party was standing the whole time

No, that’s definitely not the norm. You have a row of seats for them at the front, alongside your parents and grandparents, and they all sit down after the procession down the aisle. You pass your bouquet to your maid of honour and she’ll hold it on her lap so your hands are free for the ring exchange.

Then, when it’s over, they’ll all file out behind you.

Original poster
worriedmammy1992 · 11/08/2025 01:20

Well that certainly helps as the idea of so many people crowding us whilst doing our vows was a stressor to be honest

OP posts:
Notquitegrownup2 · 11/08/2025 01:22

I disagree with everyone here. Do what you want.

I'd just forget the word 'bridesmaids'. Tell them you don't want people in matching dresses standing around carrying flowers (just why does anyone??) Say they are your best friends and invite them to your house on the morning to help you get ready/open a bottle of champagne/ laugh/cry and take some great photos.

There are no rules that you have to follow .
.

Original poster
worriedmammy1992 · 11/08/2025 01:25

Notquitegrownup2 · 11/08/2025 01:22

I disagree with everyone here. Do what you want.

I'd just forget the word 'bridesmaids'. Tell them you don't want people in matching dresses standing around carrying flowers (just why does anyone??) Say they are your best friends and invite them to your house on the morning to help you get ready/open a bottle of champagne/ laugh/cry and take some great photos.

There are no rules that you have to follow .
.

Tbh this was the kind of response I was hoping for! Given me a bit of confidence I can hopefully achieve something that makes everyone happy with the way you’ve worded it, thanks!

OP posts:
awkwardasfuck · 11/08/2025 02:36

worriedmammy1992 · 10/08/2025 23:08

A bit of a first world problem question.

I have 4 best friends and I’d like them all to be bridesmaids but due to various reasons, money for hair, make up and outfits is a lot. Also our venue is very small so it would be just super crowded as we have went full capacity.

I think it would mean a lot to them to have the ‘title’ and I’d still love them to be involved with the morning of and get pictures etc, so would it be acceptable to say to them I’d love them to be bridesmaids but I’d love them to come dressed as they please and not walk down the aisle with me etc?

standing with my partner and I is our two best people and our kids.

ultimately they’re my friends and I know them well enough I think this will be okay with them but I’d like some other thoughts and opinions if anyone has any thoughts they’d like to share if their friend said this to them.

Oh this is so ridiculously easy

Cheap dresses - go for quiz or whatever.

Do own makeup and hair

Let them be bloody bridesmaids

They don't need to stand with you for the ceremony- just be seated together and close to you