My husband wasn’t asked to stag do

[Bizbybee]

My husband wasn’t asked to our friends stag do, we do class them both as friends as she has been our bridesmaid and mine/our long time friend of 20 plus years. He wasn’t asked to her partners stag when her other close friends partners were. We waited but no invite as extended. We have always been there for them both from babysitting to building bunk beds. I know my husband and her partner wouldn’t be supper close or anything but he’s always there when needed. It feels crap because she has me planning and doing her wedding decor because that’s my thing but now I’m feeling like shit and have her hen do next weekend. I don’t let things go and I do hold onto things so I’m trying very hard to not let this consume me as I don’t want to wreck the experience of my friend getting married. They decided to get married quickly a few months ago and we changed our summer holiday as it was booked so date of wedding. Obviously we didn’t want to miss her wedding but now I’m like why did I even bother if that’s what he thinks of me and my hubby who have always been there for them.

Have they been there for you?

Ask them.

If he isn't friends with the groom I wouldn't expect it though

I think that's unkind. I would definitely be rethinking the amount of effort you're making for her.

But they’re not really friends though are they? You’re good friends with the bride which makes you friends as a couple, but they’re not friends friends.

My best friend is getting married in a couple of months. I’m MOH and have helped a lot with wedding planning. DH and I would never expect him to be invited to the stag because we hang out as a couple.

Is it a big stag or something a bit smaller? In all likelihood he's not been invited just because they're not super close. And going to hens and stags when you're not close or part of the friendship group is normally crap anyway.
Although if you and the friend are close would you not have just asked her why he wasn't invited?

At times and other times no, but we don’t ask for help which is just how we are

Yeah she knows I’m too kind and go over and above for my friends, like I’ve purchased decor she wanted as well she didn’t offer to pay for it and I know it’s a rush wedding and finances are tight. But if I didn’t order the stuff we talked about she wouldnt have she’s kind of left it all to me.

Yeah we are definitely more her friends as we were there for her a lot when she was a single mum etc and hubby always did things for her. Think it’s just that the other friends partners were asked and he was the only one who wasn’t that hurts.

You’re a people-pleaser with poor boundaries, and you’re doing the classic people-pleaser thing of trotting around after someone providing services while seething with suppressed, possibly unconscious, resentment that they’re not reciprocated. Now you’ve realised that your services haven’t bought you what you thought they were entitled to. You being ‘too nice’ hasn’t got your boyfriend a stag invitation from her fiancé. He clearly just thinks of him as his fiancée’s friends’ boyfriend, rather than a friend of his.

Not a massive stag but not supper small either. I’m trying to decide is it even worth letting them know it’s annoying us

Precisely this.

stop paying for stuff and have a few appointments to clash with helping, as the lack of invite is not nice.

Yeah I totally am all of the above, I’ll not be running getting any of other wedding decor for her. It’s her problemo

Is he friends with the stag independent of your friendship? Do they message each other and meet up?

Is he arsed? I know he’s been good to her over the years but did he want to go and spend time with the groom and his friends? Is it just you who is upset?

definitely wouldn’t mention it!

Not a lot occasionally I can see all sides

It sounds like you have known her a long time. How long have you known her fiancé? Could this be a factor?

I agree it’s a bit rubbish if all other male partners are invited though.

I would not want to be invited to my husband's friend's wife to be's hen do if she was just doing it to be polite/reciprocal.

Honestly, your friend’s fiancé is allowed not to be good friends with your husband and it has no bearing at all on your relationship with her. Couples don’t have to think the same way, choose the same friends, nor do everything as couples. As long as they are polite when you are all together, that’s good enough.

God don’t embarrass yourself. They are not even friends. How weird of you to be bothered.

YABU, it doesn’t matter how good a friend you are to her, what matters is how good a friend your husband is to HIM. You’ve openly said they aren’t close friends, so that’s why he’s not invited to the stag. Not sure why you’d be petty to your own friend about it!

If they’re not friends in their own right then I don’t see why you’d expect him to be invited just because you’re friends with his wife.

Maybe her hubby is planning stag do shenanigans that he doesn't want to risk getting back to his partner? Perhaps it's a small guest list of men he knows well/ trusts/ are known to be up for whatever is planned?

This.

The groom will have his own close friends and family.