My husband wasn’t asked to stag do

[Bizbybee]

My husband wasn’t asked to our friends stag do, we do class them both as friends as she has been our bridesmaid and mine/our long time friend of 20 plus years. He wasn’t asked to her partners stag when her other close friends partners were. We waited but no invite as extended. We have always been there for them both from babysitting to building bunk beds. I know my husband and her partner wouldn’t be supper close or anything but he’s always there when needed. It feels crap because she has me planning and doing her wedding decor because that’s my thing but now I’m feeling like shit and have her hen do next weekend. I don’t let things go and I do hold onto things so I’m trying very hard to not let this consume me as I don’t want to wreck the experience of my friend getting married. They decided to get married quickly a few months ago and we changed our summer holiday as it was booked so date of wedding. Obviously we didn’t want to miss her wedding but now I’m like why did I even bother if that’s what he thinks of me and my hubby who have always been there for them.

They’re not friends from what you’ve said, so why would you expect an invite?

I agree you sound like a people-pleaser too. Maybe use this as a chance to develop some boundaries?

Regardless of the stag issue, I think you need to try to understand why you are a people pleaser and how toxic that is, not just to you, but to your relationships. You are vulnerable to being used and not respected and getting hurt, yet deep down most people pleasers I know (I was one for a long time) crave the recognition and reciprocation which is usually not forthcoming.

I think part of why you feel so hurt is the lack of recognition for what you have done for the wedding, but you need to realise it doesn’t work that way, and can be interpreted by others as being highly manipulative.

A therapist I was seeing for an unrelated issue identified that often people pleasers have had traumatic childhood experiences or witnessed conflict in family relationships and this is their way of protecting themselves, but ultimately it is maladaptive. It might be worth doing some reading around it.

I definitely wouldn’t say anything to your friend about it.

Well she has you on tap really which is a real shame, I'd say to her i have the decorations they cost this much do you want the receipt? If other friends partners are going he could have invited your husband.

Don't say anything, what would be the point it will just lead to more resentment.

Secondwoman that is harsh but I suspect totally spot on. You see it on here a lot women outraged they are not classed as friends “after all they’ve done”. It’s such a literal binary view of friendship.

You and her are the friends, your husband just gets roped in to help them out by you.

A stag do would be for his actual friends who he sees on their own as well as with their girlfriends or wives.

Before you tell them you are annoyed, have you considered asking? TBH I think it's weird that a groom who isn't the close friend would be expected to ask the husband of a friend of the bride to his stag do, but it takes all sorts. But you are stewing over something and it's odd - the groom perhaps only invited people he is friends with (usual) or didn't notice he'd left someone out... And if he doesn't actually much like your husband, equally, that's just life. Marrying your friend doesn't mean he has to adopt their spouses.

Isn't friendship a 2 way street though im not saying people should be eternally grateful but just take take from "a friend " is also manipulative and selfish,

I am not a people pleaser tbf but I would hate to be ignored and taken for granted like some women are, I know "be kind" is frowned up but the op sounds genuinely kind and is upset her friendship isn't what she thought.

It Sounds like these people like you for what you can do for them, not who you actually are. It also sounds like you do a lot for them and that you’re incredibly soft a bit of a mug, I’m sorry.

Why on earth haven’t you asked to be paid back for the decorations?!

She is your friend, your partner helps out because of you and her making these plans to help with bunk beds and decor, not becuase of their friendship.
I think this is the perspective you need to have.
If say both of you couples broke up with tour partners, would the teo men meet up and remain friends, probably not. But you and your friend would.
Couples can hang out as couples but usually it's not a tight 4 unless theyve all known each other from school or something.
Is your husband even bothered? Mine woudn't be tbh.

Don't be a doormat, and don't pay for anything else until she's paid you back. You need to learn to ask for money though!

Is it his friend organising it though? I went to a hen once and bride told us in secret the moh hadn’t invited a few people because she had to keep numbers low for an activity and didn’t know of a few people so didn’t invite them and she’d had a few irritated people comment

This. Have your husband and the groom ever, even once, gone for a beer or something together, without you and your friend?

You ordered and bought decorations for someone’s wedding day without them specifically asking you to? That’s insane

If you read the Op you can. See the bride has asked the op to do the decorating and she's done as asked. I do think the couple should be paying though but the op thinks she's helping.

My hubby was upset but says now he isn’t maybe he’s had time to reflect that they aren’t as friendly as he thought

If your husband’s mate was getting married and you had a relationship with his fiancée that was not a full friendship but more of an acquaintance because of DH friend, would you be expecting an invite to the hen?

I wouldn’t be and from reading your posts that is what it sounds like here. The groom is your friends fiancé not your husband’s mate

No she told me what she wanted and asked would I sort it out for her as she was away on holiday for two weeks and didn’t have time. Between working kids etc… her mother is to buy some of the decor and I’m to take her a day shopping so I’ll let her mum pick up the rest of the items

You might benefit emotionally if you pull back from them, I had to do this with a friend because she was just not that bothered about me, I've not heard from her for months and that tells me everything i need to know about her friendship, I was hurt but now just annoyed with myself for making so much effort,

This. It sounds like you conflate your identity with your partner’s too much if you take this as a slight on ‘me and my hubby’. It’s the stag’s do and he’s only a friend of you as a couple via the bride who you knew as a single mum. It’s not helpful to compare your DP to friends’ partners as if everyone is friends at the same level. They have their own relationship with groom as you do with the bride. Unless your DH is independently good mates with the stag there’s no reason the guy should’ve invited him.

I’ve done this myself with another friend recently. And will choose friends differently in future.

Your husband isn't the stag's mate, why on earth would he be invited on the stag do?

Could it be the case that your husband simply isn't a laugh and they don't want him there?

Are they friends? Like do they hang out together without spouses? If not, then they are a couple friend not a friend friend.

“Just going through my money for the month and realised I forgot to let you know how much the wedding decorations came to after you asked me to sort them for you! Can you transfer the £80 to me please? I think you’ve got my details but if not here they are…”

How would you feel about sending a message like that to her OP?