Bridesmaid Trouble

[Pemblekemble]

I know this is a topic that comes up again and again, but I'm interested in hearing people's opinions. I'm getting married in a couple of months and will be having one bridesmaid/maid of honour, along with flower girls. The bridesmaid/moh was asked if they were happy to do it back in October/November (and said yes, obvs.) but has shown not a morsel of interest since. I'm not a "weddingy" person myself, and completely understand that it can be boring/annoying if someone bangs on it, but, if asked to be a moh, I would at least feign interest and enquire as to whether there was anything I could do to help...or how it's all going in general.

For context, we've known eachother for over a decade, but haven't seen eachother in a while as we live on opposite sides of the country and life's busy (I've got a young toddler, she's busy at work etc).

I fully expect the "it's your wedding, not theirs" comments, but I think a close friend should show at least a little interest?

What do you want her to actually do? Are you having a hen do?

I sorted the hen party for my best friend (after getting ideas) and let her decide everything else because it was her wedding. What are you expecting?

She’s probably waiting to take your lead. If she lives on the opposite side of the country she’s hardly going to be popping round to help you apply wax seals. Have you asked her to do anything/asked her advice on anything? Have you given her an opportunity to get involved in any meaningful way?

Echoing the others, what are you expecting? My bridesmaids turned up on the day, had their hair and make up done with me, wore the dresses we’d bought together, travelled to the ceremony with me and that was about it… I didn’t have need of them to do anything else, it was our wedding so my Husband and I did everything that needed doing.

As above have you not had a chat with her about it? Do you expect her to lead with it all?

It's not really about wanting her to do anything. As I mention in the post, it's about showing a smidge of interest. I've messaged her probably around three times about the wedding, but she takes weeks to respond (nonchalantly to each one) and so I'm taking it she isn't wanting to discuss anything in relation to it. I'm not sure what else I can do apart from hope she turns up on the day.

Tried to start a few conversations about it, but she doesn't seem to want to discuss, so as I mention above, just hoping she turns up. I don't need her to lead on anything, I was always going to organise the wedding, was just hoping to discuss a few fundamental things, like where she's staying, what the plan is gor the day etc.

So you aren't a wedding person and have chosen someone else who isn't a wedding person to help you? And they aren't enthusiastic about it? What do you actually want them to do?

As I mentioned in my first post, I don't need her to do anything (it goes without saying that most people can organise their wedding on their own). It would be nice to have a normal amount of communication to discuss the fundamentals though and the type of interest you'd expect in any big life event from a close friend. I've read a few other posts on this subject and there's always a heavy focus on "what do you expect, it's your day" kind of attitude, which I find quite strange. I don't think it's too much to expect a close friend to care a little bit about something that means a lot to you.

I've chosen a close friend to share one of the most important days of my life with me, and was hoping I'd at least be able to get properly in contact with her about it. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it?

I get what you’re saying. I was getting married and had similar with my two bridesmaids. Unfortunately I found out that my fiancé was cheating on me and the wedding was cancelled. A few years later, when I married my husband I didn’t bother having any bridesmaids at all.

So she’s just not paying you and your wedding enough attention?

And you’d rather she at least FEIGNED an interest?

It depends doesn't it. On what sort of person she is. Personally I'm not great with text messages and general chit chat. I personally will get stuck in.and help with what's in front of me. I like phone calls to discuss stuff or in person. Aybe you close friend was doing something else when the message came through.
Maybe you could call and talk to her. And check how she is. Is something crappy or stressful going on in her life which means she is struggling to be excited.about something else?

So aggressive 🤦🏻‍♀️. "Feigning interest" is a common expression, not terribly controversial, as your all caps would suggest

So sorry you had to go through that. I hope you had a fab day in the end. I kind of wish I had gone with no bridesmaids at this point!

I think you could be right and there may something more going on in her personal life that I'm not aware of

@PemblekembleWell you say that it goes without saying that you’d organise your own day but I’ve seen plenty of threads here about (and experienced in real life) Brides who expect their bridesmaids to be a team of unpaid events staff. I once spent over a grand to attend a wedding as a bridesmaid, spent 2 days of the week away making fucking favours before having to do my own hair and make up (both things I have no skill in) and somehow ending up taking responsibility for an incredibly drunk groomsman. This was after the bride had screamed at me on one of the two hen parties for pulling her out of the way of a car that was about to hit her. Fool me once and all that, never again!

If you just expect her to show an interest then maybe ask directly if there’s something else going on with her, or if she’s still keen to be your bridesmaid at all.

That sounds like utter hell @CheeseWisely I would never expect that of someone. Everything is organised (bar a few things I can't do until closer to the date), I'm just talking about someone who is/was (?) close to me acting in a "normal" way towards a big life event.

You know that feigned means pretended, right? I was questioning why you would like her to pretend she was interested even if she wasn’t, because that’s kind of weird.

Sounds like you still have time to message her and say something like, Hi Natalie, I’ve decided to just have the flower girls and no adult bridesmaids due to rising costs etc. Hope that’s ok with you and can’t wait to see you at the wedding

How quickly does she usually reply to messages? Is she always slow or is it only the wedding ones she ignores? Any chance she doesn't see you as the same level of friend that you see her?

You should call her and ask if she has changed her mind. Frankly I’m happy if my friend is happy but don’t give a damn about the details of their wedding. I will listen, of course. Maybe give a suggestion or two but that’s about the extent of it. I have a life, husband, kids their wedding is not high on my priority list. It’s their wedding not mine. I’m just showing up to be supportive. Doesn’t mean I have to be consumed with it. Some people are and can do that. And that’s great. But others aren’t. I wouldn’t want to wait until the day of to find out if she is coming or not. So have a conversation with her. Good luck and congratulations 🎊🍾

I don't tend to use words I don't understand, thanks for the explanation though. My point was that she isn't able to go through the polite motions, the things a close friend would normally do, even if she isn't terribly interested. This isn't the same as wanting her to "pretend", we're not kids. There are more potential scenarios than "friend isn't interested in wedding, so acts like a d*" or "friend is interested in wedding and we all skipped into the sunset"

Yes, I think that's a good idea

Sounds like she's either overwhelmed with other things in life and sees the wedding as an extra burden, or she's jealous.