Bridesmaid Trouble

[Pemblekemble]

I know this is a topic that comes up again and again, but I'm interested in hearing people's opinions. I'm getting married in a couple of months and will be having one bridesmaid/maid of honour, along with flower girls. The bridesmaid/moh was asked if they were happy to do it back in October/November (and said yes, obvs.) but has shown not a morsel of interest since. I'm not a "weddingy" person myself, and completely understand that it can be boring/annoying if someone bangs on it, but, if asked to be a moh, I would at least feign interest and enquire as to whether there was anything I could do to help...or how it's all going in general.

For context, we've known eachother for over a decade, but haven't seen eachother in a while as we live on opposite sides of the country and life's busy (I've got a young toddler, she's busy at work etc).

I fully expect the "it's your wedding, not theirs" comments, but I think a close friend should show at least a little interest?

Same.

Do you think she wants to do it? Have you discussed dresses/hair/shoes etc?
in my case I had 4 in total. 1 i felt like I was pulling teeth with, dress fitting…didn’t suit her, hair trials…again the same I honestly was about to tell her to not bother but guess what - on the day she stepped up! Massively! The others - no where near me. Last thing I expected tbh.
basically she was young free and single, didn’t want to give up a night of drinking/dating/seeing friends for all the ‘trivial’ things but she absolutely outshone every other on the day, I guess like she should’ve being MOH.

what I’m saying is, there is time for this to turn around, she may well be the best MOH on this planet on the day that matters most.
she must cooperate with some things of course and you can only go through with your request if you believe she won’t let you down on the day!

Maybe just catch up with her without mentioning the wedding. I assume you used to have a relationship where you’d be in touch and chat about general stuff ? I’d message her and say it’s ages since we caught up and arrange a call and then don’t go on and on about wedding and casually ask her where she’s staying and if you need to help her with a booking or recommendations / chat about dress

Dear lord don’t remove her from the wedding party because she isn’t an interested as you’d like her to be. I think it’s nuts how women lose friendships over their wedding. It’s a hugely important day for you, but when the celebrations are all over, do you really want to be down a friendship over this?

If you aren’t content to do nothing, have an honest conversation with her about it. “Hey best friend, I noticed that you haven’t really shown much interest in my wedding and it’s left me feeling a little hurt. Is everything ok? It seems out of character.”

I think you need a new moh/bridesmaid. She's probably having second thoughts about traveling across country to participate in a wedding when she seldom sees the bride. Let her off the hook and ask a better fit.

That’s more likely to cause awkwardness in the friendship. Just blame it on money 🤷🏽‍♀️

Tbh if it wasn't my wedding other than perhaps a casual enquiry it wouldn't seem important to me until the day.

If you want to talk about the wedding call her, if you need help with something ask. See her response. I suspect she's just not thought about it

Stop messaging and either go and see her or at the very least phone her, and have it out. Ask her if she’s OK. Say something like ‘I get you’re not excited about weddings in general, neither am I really, but it’s coming up so I wanted to make sure you were still up for it. When can we meet to sort out your dress etc?’ I know we all hate actually picking up the phone and talking to people these days, but you can’t work this one out on text.

I would assume they are waiting for you to lead the plans.

I'm a bit late to the party, a few people have mentioned finding out what's going on for your friend before making judgements. Weddings are phenomenally expensive events both for the bride and groom and the guests. It made me think about friend of mine is a single parent with two teenage boys who are growing at an obscene rate. They were invited to a family wedding last summer. She needed to travel a couple of hundred miles each way, buy new shoes and suits for the boys and pay to stay overnight or have to drive there and back in the same day. The event cost her around £600 she obviously didn't buy anything for herself.
It's worth bearing in mind that a cheap family holiday for a week for the three of them would cost about £1200. I'm not sure if this is an issue for your bridesmaid and that's why she's a bit slow in responding.
I hope you have managed to get it sorted out with her.

I understand how you’re feeling about this and just wonder if you have hit the nail on the head when you say she is/was a close friend. Relationships do change. Is it possible that living opposite ends of the country and getting on with your own lives you are maybe not as close as you were and she just doesn’t really have any interest in doing it. I would just give her a call, have a chat with her and find out how things are with her.

I know exactly what you mean OP, it is fairly normal for friends to spend a few minutes on anything the other is interested in - renovation, move to a new job, wedding, pregnancy etc ‘so how is all the organising going/did that thing with the groom’s aunty get resolved okay/have you decided on food, ooh yes that sounds lovely/wow it’s all coming together/going to be great/sounding gorgeous’ etc.

How have you got on with talking about dresses etc with her? Is she wearing a proper bridesmaid type one, does she need to have an interest in that? As apart from that I’d just crack ok with doing everything yourself, you sound quite relaxed. Have you a hen to organise?

Mumsnet isn’t the place to have feelings or expectations around friendships! I assume lots of people on here don’t actually have any friends.

It’s perfectly normal to expect your close friends to care about a huge event going on in your life.
Are you seeing her any time soon? Maybe arrange a catch up? Try and give her space to ask about the wedding. She might feel you only contact her to discuss the wedding, she might have other stuff going on.

Can you touch base with her and see if she's OK. Give her the chance to opt out if she prefers. Put a spin on it like you're aware that her involvement in the prep will be limited because of distance and her [insert busy life factors] and you hadn't really thought it through. So you'd understand if she isn't keen on doing it, or if she is then you're fine with her just turning up on the day, no pressure.

I had 5 bridesmaids. Originally just my sister and 2 cousins. My sis and cousin the same age (the other was a child) were fab, very excited and asking what they could do to help, enthusiastic about dress fittings/ helping me decide on colours, flowers etc. My 2 best friends from school heavily hinted that they would also like to be BM so I invited them. But after an initial flurry of enthusiasm it was a bit like pulling teeth. One of them was very flaky and I was worried that she might not turn up at all at the hen and then the wedding (they did). The other was quite moody and (it emerged) bitter about being single. It was fine on the day but in the run up I wished I had stuck to the original 3! I was BM to both of them in subsequent years and interestingly they expected a lot more of me in terms of commitment and duties.