Destination wedding AIBU

[weddingguest07]

I'm now pregnant, totally unexpected and unplanned. But very much wanted. Haven't been with the dad long and a baby was the last thing I was expecting. I should be maid of honour at the wedding.

The bride (sister) was initially thrilled for me but then her attitude changed when I told her I wasn't sure I would be at the wedding. I thankfully hadn't booked anythin, my plan was to sort it soon. It's 2026 the wedding will take place.
The baby will be about 7/ 8 months by the time the wedding rolls around and I just don't know if it will happen.
She said babies can still travel, you can bring it along it's not a problem. I explained it's not about the baby it's about costs. I'll still be on maternity then with a reduced income. I have no immediate plans to move in with dad (will if it feels right but not doing it for the babies sake) so will still have all my outgoings plus a baby to look after.
She's calling me selfish and that I should have been more careful, that she thinks this has all been planned and I've now ruined all her plans. That she's now going to be getting married without her sister and barely any family. What would I have done if it was booked etc.
I'm now feeling really guilty as I do understand her point. I have again explained that costs will be a huge factor, it's not about not being there for her and obviously I would still love to do it but I have to be realistic. By telling her now then she can ask someone else to be maid of honour etc. I've even suggested I could possibly stay elsewhere, but much cheaper accommodation, and just visit for the wedding. But again I wont know until nearer the time. I will also 100% be there for the UK reception though.
I'm an older mum and there could be problems too so until baby is here safe and healthy I have no idea what things will look like.

AIBU?

Prioritise your baby and don't be pushed into making decisions now.

My brother had a destination wedding, came out with the trope of "if you don't come, you obviously don't love me"

They weren't paying toward any of it, I'd have had to cover all the costs for me and the kids. I didn't go. They got divorced 2 years later. Glad i didnt waste my money.
Just decide once baby is here if you want to go. Don't let her make you feel guilty and enjoy your pregnancy and motherhood!

As it's only Greece I think there's no reason why you can't go, just book a nearby cheaper accommodation. Flights to Greece aren't expensive. Babies are really portable

There’s no reason not to go with a 7/8 month old baby and personally I would do anything in m power be there and be really hurt if my sister told me she might not make it. How much will it cost you?

Thanks for the various inputs.

I think we're both being a bit selfish but for our own reasons. I'm not ruling it out completely I am still going to try and make it. Just wish she would look at my perspective too.

It does make me feel a bit better knowing I'm not being unreasonable just being as honest as I can right now with her. Maybe it will be different when I'm further on in my pregnancy and I'm feeling more relaxed about it.

As for having a good salary most people live within their means and that's what I do. But for me to just save for a wedding when I need to save for a baby too is something I'll really have to look at. Yeah I don't need the car I drive or the house I live in etc but why should I give up everything I've worked hard for, for a wedding that's not mine.

No-one is asking you to 'give up everything you've worked hard for' though. Just to attend your sister's wedding in Greece. I would go and book cheap refundable accommodation if you can. Doesn't have to cost a fortune.
Also, you might really enjoy it! Weddings can be great fun even with a baby.

I think you are exactly right not to commit to something a year away when you are still getting your head round the changes that a baby brings. The people who say baby doesn’t cost much, that’s not the point. The more you have in savings before baby the more choices you have, you could even want to go part time.

So much depends on what your baby’s temperament is like. Some easy going, others any change to their routine and nobody sleeps for a week. You could feel very alone at the wedding trying to manage the baby in a strange place while everyone else has a holiday.

Thought .. is it all booked up, your sister could change her plans and have the wedding in UK!

So they are all booked and have been for a few months now. So have the majority of the guests as far as I'm aware.

There's only a few still to book up, I had initially waited to see where this relationship was going and if he was coming along but also because I knew or thought I did that it would be ok and money wouldn't be an issue.

Thanks though that makes me feel better. I think since the pregnancy is still fresh (13 weeks) I'm still all over the place.

I think given it’s in Greece there is nothing really stopping you from going. Millions of people take babies abroad on short haul holidays - in many ways it’s easier than taking a toddler, especially if you’re likely to be breastfeeding!

It's a cost issue at the moment and the unknown.

I know travelling with a baby isn't difficult (I actually went on holiday with my sister and nephew when he was 1).

Right now yes I make a decent salary but my outgoings reflect that. I own a nice house, in a decent part of town. I need a decent reliable car for work (commute is about an hour each way).

I'm still likely to be living alone when baby comes so I'll still have my outgoings with a smaller salary and baby to take care of. I'm in no rush to progress the relationship with dad. We will take it as it comes, it should be working for us both and not because there is a baby involved.

That's why I've said I don't know if I'll be there and will let her know nearer the time. I am planning on saving between now and baby coming so will see how it all goes

Fingers crossed you can make it work! Don’t forget you’ll have maintenance payments from the dad if you’re still living apart.

We had similar situ. We were invited 2 months ore wedding. It was in Canada and would have cost us £2k per person with hotels, fooghte and outfits. And last minute.com.
We declined and they were butt hurt. But I don't have any guilt. If it means so much then pay for my travel then. 🙄

Maybe she should get married in the church hall in town, so all her family and friends can attend.
or maybe if she really wants a wedding in the sunshine she should be paying for the flights and accommodation for the whole shebang.

This is

This is similar prices to what we would need to spend if we stayed in the same resort.

I've briefly looked at other hotels near by and they are about half the price so she may well have to accept that if we go.

As I said I'm not ruling anything out but I just feel she's treating me unfairly. I've been open and honest early enough that she can get another MOH (friend) I'm happy to just attend the wedding as a guest. I can't commit to more as I will have a baby to care for and could be on my own.

My plan is to see how I'm doing once baby is here both financially and how I'm coping with everything. All going well I'll have money saved for a holiday/the wedding and can book up when baby is 2/3 months. If I don't then I'll be able to say at that stage that I won't be there.

So it's £2700 for a week. My initial plan was to go for 2 weeks. That's the prices with me and baby.

I can get cheaper hotels for about half that nearby so think that might be a better option if I go. But still need to think about spending money. The big issue with this though if I am alone then I'm with baby in a different hotel from everyone else most of the holiday.

Where on earth in Greece has she booked? £2700 for one person for a week is an absolute fortune. I can see your reluctance now.

It's some luxury resort it's stunning and I can see why she would want to marry there.

Before getting pregnant that wasn't an issue. But now I'm thinking that kind of money can be used for so much more