Destination wedding AIBU

[weddingguest07]

I'm now pregnant, totally unexpected and unplanned. But very much wanted. Haven't been with the dad long and a baby was the last thing I was expecting. I should be maid of honour at the wedding.

The bride (sister) was initially thrilled for me but then her attitude changed when I told her I wasn't sure I would be at the wedding. I thankfully hadn't booked anythin, my plan was to sort it soon. It's 2026 the wedding will take place.
The baby will be about 7/ 8 months by the time the wedding rolls around and I just don't know if it will happen.
She said babies can still travel, you can bring it along it's not a problem. I explained it's not about the baby it's about costs. I'll still be on maternity then with a reduced income. I have no immediate plans to move in with dad (will if it feels right but not doing it for the babies sake) so will still have all my outgoings plus a baby to look after.
She's calling me selfish and that I should have been more careful, that she thinks this has all been planned and I've now ruined all her plans. That she's now going to be getting married without her sister and barely any family. What would I have done if it was booked etc.
I'm now feeling really guilty as I do understand her point. I have again explained that costs will be a huge factor, it's not about not being there for her and obviously I would still love to do it but I have to be realistic. By telling her now then she can ask someone else to be maid of honour etc. I've even suggested I could possibly stay elsewhere, but much cheaper accommodation, and just visit for the wedding. But again I wont know until nearer the time. I will also 100% be there for the UK reception though.
I'm an older mum and there could be problems too so until baby is here safe and healthy I have no idea what things will look like.

AIBU?

Basically, if people choose to have a destination wedding they have to understand that not everyone will be able to attend. If she wants you there so much why isn’t she offering to help you out with the costs?

If she wanted you there that badly she's have offered to pay for you.

Congrats on your pregnancy but I don’t think it’s fair to say you won’t confirm until baby is a few months old which is getting on for short notice to the wedding. That’s not fair on the bride who needs to confirm numbers, order bridesmaids dresses (usually at least a few months in advance) etc. and as you say ask someone else to be the MoH but she obviously can’t do this when you’re a maybe rather than a no.

Obviously it’s an invite not a summons, you definitely shouldn’t get into debt or anything to go and anyone planning a destination wedding has to accept that the result of their choice might be that some of their nearest and dearest can’t make it. But you need to make a decision. I wouldn’t be remotely concerned about travelling with a 7/8MO presuming it’s a developed country with decent healthcare, I don’t understand your point about being an older mum since it’s not like it’s right after your due date. Finances are the biggie though! Figure out your mat pay, plan your budget for mat leave, perhaps ask your parents if they could help since it is your sister and then make a decision. If it’s a no be prepared she may be upset but if you’re upfront and clear with plenty of notice then you won’t have done anything wrong. If she wanted you there that badly she could offer to pay no??

I would suck it up and go for my sister.

How far is the destination? If it’s a long expensive flight you might have a problem, if it’s just a short hop and you can book a bargain, do that. Could you and your partner make a holiday out of it?

Can I ask where the "Destination" is? If it's somewhere like Mexico I would definitely be saying, "No way" but if somewhere like Greece it may be more feasible.

However, I find it quite ironic your sister is calling YOU selfish.🤔. Hmm! BRIDEZILLA!!!

Your sister is being ott.

But, if there was anyway I could make a sisters wedding then I would do everything.

I think that's the best solution if she feels so strongly about it.
Similar story , except I was the bride and I was living overseas in my husbands home country and when we got married in that country. When we got engaged my sister was going to be my bridesmaid, then she fell unexpectedly pregnant but was still coming to the wedding, but she was going to be fairly heavily pregnant, this was going on for months and of course eventually she pulled out. I understood of course, even though I felt sad about it, and we missed her but it has had no impact on my relationship with her. I hope your sister will come round if she doesn't want to pay for you to go.

I think if you have from now to save and pay for it then you should go. Presuming that it’s Italy rather than Outer Mongolia we’re talking about. Babies of that age are portable and inexpensive to take on holiday

Baby comes first. You’ve given her warning that you might not be able to go. As a close family member, I think it’s reasonable to let her know after the baby is born. You need to see how you feel about it all - financially, practically, all of it. If it was someone else, you might need to just decline, but you should be given some credit for wanting to go and being open about your concerns. Some people find life with a baby very easy but not everyone would feel confident or comfortable travelling with a little one.

If having you there is that important, she’ll pay for it.

I wouldn't ask her to do that, but I hoped she would be more understanding

Personal reasons about my concerns about the pregnancy etc but my sister knows.

The irony of someone who chose a destination wedding calling someone selfish.

Don't attend weddings of someone who calls you names. Easy.

If you're bridesmaid, presumably she is paying for your flight and room already? I would expect the bride and groom are covering the cost of your dress and hairdresser etc.. so is it really to do with money? The baby will fly for free on your lap (correct me if thats wrong,) so it does make me wonder if there are other underlying issues here and the pregancy is a good get out?- and its totally fine if thats the case! You might not fancy it with a new baby!
OR it might be a lovely chance for a family get together, an abundance of child care and a bit of a holiday! I'd be inclined to say I'd go and then if something happens or you can't face it, look at it again nearer to the time, when baby has arrived!
Congratulations on your pregnancy btw

So it's expected that guests pay for themselves to get there for the holiday. All other expenses were paid for. It's the holiday costs I'm concerned about plus spending money. The wedding is a Greek island and it's not travelling with the baby I'm worried about. I do have a pretty decent salary but again it covers what I need it to. I do also know that my lifestyle and car at least is going to have to change. So there will be extra money from that. I have looked at budget. But as a first time mum and no real idea of costs of having a baby how far will it stretch and how much money will I have left over.

Numbers aren't an issue as they have been told they can confirm when they arrive. It's an all inclusive resort so no huge deal. They do have to pay extra though for guests staying elsewhere. I told her now so she can get someone else to stand in as MOH and get all the bits etc needed. If I go I'm happy to just be a guest. I won't leave it until last minute to confirm either.

Asking anyone else to help out just means that I'll have to pay back what I owe. So parents/family/friends. I don't believe getting into debt for someone else's wedding is great.

I did say once baby is here and I'm settled into a routine of sorts then I'll make the decision. I'll also know then how much extra money I have to play with.

I just wish she was happy for me, would accept that I might do budget friendly rather than wedding resort etc. if I can make it work I will but right now I don't know if I can. I think I'm struggling with this the most that she's somehow blaming me and making me feel guilty about something I didn't plan.

Babys don't need to be expensive. Your choice if you spunk a fortune on cots, strollers and a ton of paraphernalia. Pretty much all is available second hand, often for free. You'll only use most of it for 2 years tops before you'll want the different stuff that toddlers need.
Babies are cheap and easy to schlep around and there's a kudos to being a travelling single mum.
Would you have help from friends over there

Congratulations on your pregnancy 🙂
Are your parents not able to step in and assist with the extra costs, without wanting you to repay them? Unfortunately if your sister needs to remember that she has decided to get married abroad, therefore there is the possibility it won't be feasible for everyone.

So I'm a first time mum and I'm excited about it all. Why should I have to give up buying new or what I want for someone else's wedding. That may be selfish but she has her kids and done it her way then. Yeah it's an option. I do have a fairly decent salary but my home and car reflect that.

I might not be single then I'm still with the baby's dad now but we don't live together etc

As for help when I'm there she only has a couple friends going, that I don't know well enough to leave a baby with. Our family is tiny only one parent left, our aunt and me (think this is why she's so upset) and then the rest of the guests are his family who again I don't know or haven't met.

I'm just scared booking anything right now and paying it up as I'm worried things will go wrong. I'm classed as high risk with the pregnancy (would rather keep it private) so I do have worries. In a way this is a miracle baby that I never thought I would have. So being excited scared and wanting to do things my way I don't think is unreasonable.

Prioritise your pregnancy OP.
It - and your health - are vastly more important than any destination wedding, even your sister's.
And congratulations! Sounds like this pregnancy is an amazing blessing. 🥰

Ask her does she suggest you have an abortion and tell people it's so you can be a bm at her wedding....?

As a general rule, the person being selfish is the one who decides to have a destination wedding, generating extra costs for their nearest and dearest, or guilt if their nearest and dearest can't afford it.

This just highlights to me the selfishness of those having a long haul destination wedding and expecting your relatives and friends to spend £££££ to go to your wedding. Unless the bride and groom are pay8ng for everyone.
A relative of ours had a destination wedding a couple of years ago in the Seychelles. We didn't go as we're not close to them and we had no intention to spend thousands. One relative who did go, a pensioner mid 80s, had the flights and AI hotel costs to pay for. Then they had to pay a dressmaker £300 to make their outfit from fabric that the bride gave all the women to get made up.

I don't agree with destination weddings but I do think you are being a bit precious here when the baby will be several months old and is more than capable of coming with you (plus you don't pay for their flight) so it's not exactly going to cost you a lot more than it would have done previously

Oh and move in with the dad. What is it teaching your child about healthy family relationships when you are prepared to commit yourself to someone by having their child but won't live together r

I do think you're being a bit precious. It's in Greece, not Hawaii. It's relatively cheap to get there. You earn a good salary so you could start saving. You have over a year to pay it off. Your baby will be an infant so free. Babies don't need expensive stuff. For my sister I'd do anything I could.