Controlling Sister and Mother in Law. Should I be the one to tell them we booked our wedding, or him?

[dublinderby34]

My fiancés sister and mother are very controlling. They often tell me how my fiancé should be spending his time, most recently we went out of town to view our wedding venue and when texting her about it she was telling me how my fiancé “should be spending the weekend with his mum as it’s her bday” wasn’t a special bday or anything and we took her out for a meal before hand….

it’s a constant power battle and she’s very passive aggressive towards me. The mum is very possessive over my fiancé and often relies on him for emotional support.

we have just booked our wedding and we haven’t told them a date yet. My fiancé told his younger sister who lives in a different country and I’m pretty sure she’s told the mum and other sister. My question is, do I play the game and make communication go through me, eg be the one to text and say we booked our wedding it’s the xxx xx 2026 or do I just let my fiancé handle it. Honestly, I kind of want to annoy them and in similar situations my brothers fiancé was the one to tell me about the date etc etc. or, if I don’t bother telling them and they just hear about it I wonder if that will make them get the picture that I don’t want them involved.

I don't understand at all. Why would you play a game by telling her? Surely that makes you controlling.

I don't get why it needs to be such a drama.

Set up a family group or something and tell everyone.

Don't play games.

Tell them together about the wedding. But I would have laughed in their faces about spending a birthday weekend with her. In future refer all communication through your fiance.

Assuming he's consulting you about everything to do with your wedding before agreeing to anything, I would let it go through him. That way you cannot be cast as the "bad person" and risk future accusations.

Personally I'd just set up a
WhatsApp for family with a save the date and information needed like hotels nearby if anyone needs a room
Don't make it a battle, believe me you'll have many to deal with and it's stressful having a difficult Relationship so easier to try and keep things neutral as possible

Was this a previous thread? I seem to remember an OP asking if she should view a wedding venue on MIL birthday instead of going out with MIL and everyone said "no! YABU"

Even if it's not, this is mean "I kind of want to annoy them ... if I don’t bother telling them and they just hear about it I wonder if that will make them get the picture that I don’t want them involved"

And a bit bitchy tbh. Don't do things just to cause drama. They're your DH family, they should be involved

You sound like a right drama queen - just tell them the date and move on.

Yes I thought the same. @dublinderby34 are you the birthday swerver?

Don't play any games.
Games don't end well.

You're coming across as petty and childish, OP. So long as your fiance has your back, then you hold the cards here. If he doesn't, then you're in trouble. Tell them together, and soon, if other people already know. Keep them onside instead of alienating them because with any luck they'll be in your life for a long time and presumably you want to all get along.

I think op if you're marrying your fiance you also have to be willing to respect the family you're marrying into and be prepared to try and support your fiancé's relationship with his family even if they aren't people who you like or feel respected by.

So starting out by using your wedding to try and reclaim power and play mind games with them is honestly a terrible idea.

What you need to do is agree boundaries with your fiancé in terms of what you both will/ won't tolerate from them and then it's up to your fiancé to keep them in line according to those boundaries and for you to try and support him in whatever relationship he wants to have with them.

If he values his mother and sister and wants to have a relationship with them then I would not be setting yourself up as a block in the way of that by playing games and stopping to their level.

Just be mature, rise above whatever they throw at you and be consistent as a couple in communication with them. At the end of the day you want your wedding to be positive so you can relax and enjoy it, why would you throw fuel on that fire!?

We checked with parents before booking the date of our wedding to ensure it didn’t clash with anything. One possible date clashed with a booked holiday so we chose an alternative date.

I don't really see what you have to gain by not telling them the date of your wedding once it's booked.

Mothers and sons have this bond, its different to mothers and daughters. And just imagine, you have raised this little boy, nurtured and done everything for him and you were the only woman in his life, until he met you. Try seeing it from her point a view a little bit. Maybe she is just finding it hard

I don't know why you would tell his sister the date of the wedding and not his mum. I would want to be one of the first to know, that's my baby

You are looking for something that isn't there. Just either do a group chat with everyone or mail out save the date information. This is a bit pathetic isn't it. She is going to be in your life a long time and grandmother to any children. Make friends with her. She is probably worried she is losing her son.

I think you should grow up! Why play stupid mind games to purposely annoy your husband's family? Let him tell them the date or tell them together. Don't start a war with MIL and SIL that is going to impact your husband's relationship with them.

You all sound as bad as each other.

You need a look at yourself tbh. No matter how difficult they are, you're definitely contributing to the situation and DF is stuck in the middle. You're setting everyone up to be miserable.

It doesn't matter who tells them, but I'd be devastated to be the last to know when the date was set for my son's wedding. You know that and want to upset her. What kind of human being sets out to deliberately make someone miserable?

He's not obliged to be with his mother on her birthday and that's his choice, but I wouldn't be setting barriers that mean he can't, which it seems is what you may have done.

It's all up to you of course, but no one, including you, is going to be happy if you carry on this way.

"play the game" WTF? This is your finances mother and sister! Why on earth would you cause more friction and tension. I don't think it is odd for a mother to want to see her son on her bday and know when he is getting married. Leave him to talk to his family, I think they know you don't like them.

Controlled kids often go for controlling spouses but this is truly bat shit. Your df needs to run

I would be reconsidering getting married to be honest. Nobody is going to have a peaceful life going forward if this is how it starts.

You are not just being unreasonable you're being an AH. Would you be happy if your future husband went out with his boys on your birthday? Took you out for dinner another day and used the same 'not your milestone bday' excuse? I don't get on with my MIL at all! However whenever I make plans I ensure it doesn't conflict with special occasions for my MIL. After all, she raised my husband and made him the wonderful man he is today. Will you make alternative plans on your parents' bdays if it's on a weekend?? Your wedding is in 2026!! Are you saying there was no other weekend between your MIL's bday and 2026 to view your wedding venue?? I comes across like you've done this on purpose. Why didn't you book the viewing on your own mum or dad's bday? I hope this man you're with sees right through you before the wedding! It's pretty clear you want to cut him off from his family, by creating drama. Good luck with how your life is going to turn out!!

Yes! I remember her thread. She got a telling off for her attitude, and rightly so, and it was very apparent from her subsequent posts that in fact she is the controlling one and is trying to drive a wedge between her husband and his family.

Extraordinary that she is now posting again, thinking people will take a different view on her increasingly childish conduct.

Edited to add: in fact, I think this might be a troll and Mumsnet should probably look into this.

Well we don't even know if her in-laws are actually causing drama. She comes across as the difficult one to be honest. The fact that she has similar conflicts with her brother's spouse. Comes across like a right drama queen 😂

You have a DP problem.

Don't marry him.

You're marrying into this family. Welcome to your future