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Original poster

Pressure to organise expensive hen trip

40 replies

TheAquaFawn · 25/10/2024 15:19

I’m MOH for my best friends wedding - civil ceremony spring 2025, main event likely 2026 or later due to them wanting to try for a baby first plus not being able to afford what they want yet. The rings, dress, speeches, first dance, cake etc will all be at the main event, but for some reason my friend wants to have the hen party before or shortly after the civil (she says it’s because she might be pregnant or with a young baby if it’s later). The problem is, my friend has expensive taste and wants a holiday to a luxury spa retreat or similar, and has 20 people she wants invited who come from different countries (myself and her are also based in different countries from each other). I’ve got an 8 month old, no childcare support or budget for a trip, and I’ve tried to explain that it’ll be difficult for me to organise (or even go!) but she just shuts me down. No one else on the trip has children. I’m feeling very stressed about it already, and I also only know one other person in the wedding party so the thought of trying to organise something like this with people I’ve never met plus potential language barriers fills me with dread. I think the reason she’s not being very empathetic with me is that she doesn’t have other close friends who could take on the task (the rest are more acquaintances), and is comparing herself to her fiancé who’s best man is planning a surprise stag trip to a long haul destination. Should I find something that I can do / afford and offer that (this would be cheap and local to me in the UK) or just bail completely? She knows my situation so I do feel a bit annoyed at the expectation of it all anyway… :(

OP posts:
GladAllOver · 25/10/2024 15:22

Get out of this now, before the bridezilla does your head in. "I'm sorry but I just don't have the time".

GladAllOver · 25/10/2024 15:23

She needs to hire a professional wedding planner.

Bananalanacake · 25/10/2024 15:25

What a cheek, why is she expecting you to do it. Say to her ,"Helen, I'm happy to book a table in your local pizza express and send an email round but if you want any more than that you need to find another volunteer".

Original poster
TheAquaFawn · 25/10/2024 15:26

GladAllOver · 25/10/2024 15:23

She needs to hire a professional wedding planner.

I agree and I’ve spoken to her about that but they can’t afford it

OP posts:
ForPearlViper · 25/10/2024 15:54

It's only going to get worse for you she moves on towards the 'main event'. Don't let yourself get lined up as her free wedding planner. If she can't afford one she needs to limit her expectations accordingly. Unfortunately, she just isn't listening to you.

If she won't be reasonable when you try to speak to her again about her plans, try and find some reason to withdraw from the MoH role - it doesn't have to be true.

BigDahliaFan · 25/10/2024 15:59

There's possibly a reason she doesn't have lots of close friends who would organise this...

Just say you can't and hold that line. Offer to do a meal before the big day when everyone is in the country anyway.

WallaceinAnderland · 25/10/2024 16:02

Just decline. In fact do you really want to be MOH anyway?

The 'wedding' a year after they have been married is unlikely to go ahead as it's a bit pointless isn't it.

Brombat · 25/10/2024 16:03

You won't ever meet her expectations, whatever you do...

Original poster
TheAquaFawn · 28/10/2024 11:36

Thanks everyone for your messages. I’m now thinking of suggesting a meal or possibly an activity a day or two before the civil wedding, like a couple of you suggested. Call it a ‘bridal shower’ and tell her this is all I can do for now, but hopefully by the time the proper wedding comes round I’ll have the time and budget to help organise something bigger. And that if she wants to ask someone else to do it that’s fine by me. TBH even this will be a lot for me as the civil weddings abroad, and it’ll take a bit of organisation to find a place for a meal or activity.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 28/10/2024 11:41

I’d just say something like ‘Helen I don’t have the budget to even come on a luxury spa holiday for your hen do. If you’d like me to organise something I’ll sort an activity day and meal here in the U.K. But if you want something more elaborate you’ll have to get someone else to organise it’

bestbefore · 28/10/2024 11:52

So it's alright for her not to be able to afford a wedding but she wants everyone else to afford a hen do! What a cheek!

DoreenonTill8 · 28/10/2024 11:54

bestbefore · 28/10/2024 11:52

So it's alright for her not to be able to afford a wedding but she wants everyone else to afford a hen do! What a cheek!

And is it one of those hens where you all get the pleasure of paying for the bride to be?...

AluckyEllie · 28/10/2024 12:23

Jesus she’s gonna be one hell of a bridzilla. Make some comment like ‘unable to organise what you deserve.’ Sounds like she’s got champagne aspirations and white lighting budget 😂

DPotter · 28/10/2024 12:43

So the civil ceremony is abroad , somewhere you presumably are unfamiliar with ? So you will have all the cost and hassle of this - and it's only part one of the nuptials ?

Don't even think about offering anything. Be absolutely clear - you are unable to arrange what she wants. Full stop. Don't offer alternatives. Like someone else said up thread - she'll be expecting everyone to pay for her too.

I can't pin point in time when this all happened - the bridesmaids arranging the hen do, over seas trips, bride being paid for by everyone else. Used to be much more local, arranged by the bride. No less fun, much less stress and expense.

YellowAsteroid · 28/10/2024 13:19

TheAquaFawn · 25/10/2024 15:26

I agree and I’ve spoken to her about that but they can’t afford it

Show quote history

Aspirational on no budget. Why do people pretend they're rich when they plan their weddings? I'm assuming she assumes that the "lucky" guests at her hen do will pay for her?

And your friend is totally unreasonable to do a civil ceremony and then the "main event" a year later. That's just plain weird.

Vulgarity all round. Just back out of it @TheAquaFawn, and relax.

Original poster
TheAquaFawn · 28/10/2024 14:08

DPotter · 28/10/2024 12:43

So the civil ceremony is abroad , somewhere you presumably are unfamiliar with ? So you will have all the cost and hassle of this - and it's only part one of the nuptials ?

Don't even think about offering anything. Be absolutely clear - you are unable to arrange what she wants. Full stop. Don't offer alternatives. Like someone else said up thread - she'll be expecting everyone to pay for her too.

I can't pin point in time when this all happened - the bridesmaids arranging the hen do, over seas trips, bride being paid for by everyone else. Used to be much more local, arranged by the bride. No less fun, much less stress and expense.

True. I feel like it’d be nice to offer something as an alternative though, it’s just very difficult with multiple locations (of where things are happening and where different people live). She’s been a great friend to me for over 10 years.
Yes she does expect to be paid for. The problem is her fiancé is going on a big surprise holiday for his, so she’s comparing to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheAquaFawn · 28/10/2024 14:10

bestbefore · 28/10/2024 11:52

So it's alright for her not to be able to afford a wedding but she wants everyone else to afford a hen do! What a cheek!

This did occur to me! Also that it’s ok for me to have a young baby and still have to go on a trip, but not her.

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 28/10/2024 14:18

It is highly likely that this situation will only get worse and will prove even more of a headache for you -- but heaven help you if what you do arrange doesn't meet her expectations .
Bow out as gracefully as you can, while you can.

LorettyTen · 28/10/2024 14:23

These people sound like an absolute nightmare. Would it be so terrible to lose her as a friend if you refuse to participate in this circus?
What's all this civil ceremony and main event stuff? Doesn't she know the civil ceremony is the marriage? Why not have just one?
So shallow. Don't get involved.

cansu · 28/10/2024 14:30

Send her a very clear email about what you will or won't be doing.

TheSilkWorm · 28/10/2024 14:33

So she's got no close friends near her to organise a big holiday but she expects one because her fiancé does? Might be a clue in that as to why she doesn't have close friends...

OP you'll have to just woman up and tell her this isn't possible for you.

YellowRoom · 28/10/2024 14:38

She may have been a great friend but she's not being so now. Expecting a complicated, expensive do and for you all to pay for it is cheeky as fuck and not the action of a good friend. Why should you bankrupt yourself because she likes expensive spas?

Smartiepants79 · 28/10/2024 14:40

This is a collection of the most extraordinary wedding related nonsense I’ve heard in ages.
What the hell is a ‘main event’ in a wedding apart from the actual marriage ceremony?? Does she mean a party?? And who has a hendo either just before or after her wedding?? Before is the expectation.
How can she possibly think it’s ok to demand everyone else pays out all the money for something she wants?? I be running away from this as fast as possible.
Please be upfront and brave. Tell her what you can do and not do. She Will quickly show if she’s actually your friend or not.

1983Louise · 28/10/2024 15:04

Finish your friendship, she sounds an absolute nightmare, no wonder she has no other close friends. If you get involved in this wedding circus she'll drive you crazy with her demands, run for the hills now..........

DPotter · 28/10/2024 15:04

You have a couple of perfect let outs - you're based in different countries and you have a young child with no childcare support.

Back out gracefully from the MOH position (cite you were so pleased to be asked but now, having time to realise what this role would mean, you are sadly backing down as you can't do the role justice.)

You can still be a good friend, but not a free wedding planner. One of your first good friend actions could be to explain to her that her friendship group isn't as wealthy as her fiancé's and so can't stretch to expensive, long haul destinations. Maybe her intended could stump up the cash ?

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