Pressure to organise expensive hen trip

[TheAquaFawn]

I’m MOH for my best friends wedding - civil ceremony spring 2025, main event likely 2026 or later due to them wanting to try for a baby first plus not being able to afford what they want yet. The rings, dress, speeches, first dance, cake etc will all be at the main event, but for some reason my friend wants to have the hen party before or shortly after the civil (she says it’s because she might be pregnant or with a young baby if it’s later). The problem is, my friend has expensive taste and wants a holiday to a luxury spa retreat or similar, and has 20 people she wants invited who come from different countries (myself and her are also based in different countries from each other). I’ve got an 8 month old, no childcare support or budget for a trip, and I’ve tried to explain that it’ll be difficult for me to organise (or even go!) but she just shuts me down. No one else on the trip has children. I’m feeling very stressed about it already, and I also only know one other person in the wedding party so the thought of trying to organise something like this with people I’ve never met plus potential language barriers fills me with dread. I think the reason she’s not being very empathetic with me is that she doesn’t have other close friends who could take on the task (the rest are more acquaintances), and is comparing herself to her fiancé who’s best man is planning a surprise stag trip to a long haul destination. Should I find something that I can do / afford and offer that (this would be cheap and local to me in the UK) or just bail completely? She knows my situation so I do feel a bit annoyed at the expectation of it all anyway… :(

I'd be backing away from this now before the demands ramp up further. My eyes started rolling at the plan to get married and then stage a show wedding a year later - just ridiculous.

I thought it was an unwritten rule that if you have an expensive destination wedding you don’t have en expensive hen do on top

though there is also a “main event” a year later?? This is batshit. We had a register office wedding before the main event but very few people came, minimal fuss

you have a baby. I’d bail completely out of MoH duties.

Surely if you have no childcare and no budget you can't go?

I'd explain this and suggest she ask someone else to organise it.

The 'wedding' a year after they have been married is unlikely to go ahead as it's a bit pointless isn't it.

Absolutely. Will never happen.

If she shuts you down when you try to talk about it then send a message instead.

Dear Bridezilla, I have my hands full with my little one and unfortunately I don't have either the childcare or the budget for the hen do spa trip so it's really best for someone else to organise it. Love MOH

Do "acquaintances" really go on hen spa trips in a different country and pay extra for the bride? It's not something I can imagine doing myself.

Oh dear…

She is a complete CF.

(Who has 2 weddings😳)

She needs a professional planner if she wants to do an international spa day. (Presumably everyone else is meant to pay for her)

And you need to back out now.

This.

With a young child yourself you are not in a position to engage in a no-expense-spared fantasy event. Bridezilla has to accept that she can't have what she can't afford and she can't command her acquaintances and friends to spend what they can't afford either.

If she can’t afford a professional planner then she shouldn’t be roping in you in.
And she expects to be paid for?
I feel like a miserly old cow at times, but all of this two weddings, we need to stick the baby in the middle, I need 3 different dresses and a rehearsal dinner. It’s just relentless.
Step away from anything that’s not simple, affordable and accessible.
If she falls out with you over it, let her.

The rest of us mortals just celebrate our anniversaries

They can't afford it so you do it for free?

Sounds like someone's getting a good deal out of this, OP, and it's not you...

To be honest, it'll be a bit immaterial anyway. It doesn't sound as if many/any of the invitees are going to be up for an expensive trip which they also have to bankroll the bride for, so I imagine it will be totally unviable anyway.

Quite.

and
There's possibly a reason she doesn't have lots of close friends who would organise this...

@TheAquaFawn I think you have to be really clear with her now. A couple of great suggestions already posted, but make sure this is beyond what you are able to do. I mean the whole "two weddings" thing is bizarre to say the least (in these circumstances). I'd be backing away just from that point of view.

Hi OP, it's so very selfish to refuse to see that you can't afford this massive and unnecessary thing, plus you haven't got the time.

You need to be very explicit either in a text message or a video call about this. And perhaps suggest it'd be nice if she would consider cheaper alternatives so nobody's left out.

You shouldn't be pressured into using family money, or family time, to pander to your friend's fantasy.

Take control of this now.