Is this too much or am I unreasonable?

[Applecrumble32]

i’m interested to hear whether people think this is over the top or if I’m irritated because of previous issues with our relationship.

My sister is getting married and I’ve been dreading to hear what this will involve from us all (as has my mother who admitted this in a particularly candid moment). We’re not particularly close and can go for months with no contact but when we do meet it’s the her-show. We all have to put ourselves to great amounts of inconvenience to do what she wants. My parents grumble about this but then facilitate it wholeheartedly to my irritation.

Her 30th birthday involved a 6 month extravaganza celebration of everything that is her including multiple very expensive meals out involving travel and hotel stays which we were all expected to attend, a big party and two holidays including one domestic and a two week holiday abroad. All during various stages of COVID lockdowns when people were being isolated in hotels after travelling. I have children and work full time, plus had a company-wide holiday and travel ban during that period due to covid, and so I explained that I couldn’t attend. I know this sounds a bit miserable but this was at the height of news stories where hundreds were dying every day so it all seemed a bit reckless and I risked getting in trouble with work, never mind spreading COVID.

The plans have been announced and she’s not just having one wedding, but two! 6 months apart. The first involves travel and is described as a family wedding but none of the nephews, nieces or cousins are invited. None of the family live near the location of this one so we’ll all have several hours of travel to get to it. The second involves less travel but is described as a huge wedding where some select children can go.

Am I unreasonable to think this is excessive (never mind a pain in the arse for us trying to find childcare)?

YANBU.
Ask her straight “which one do you want me to attend, because I’m not doing both?”

This sounds so absolutely ridiculous and the birthday stuff does too. You can't be expected to commit all your holiday budget to a double wedding that your kids aren't invited to. Madness!

Why has she been enabled to behave this way her entire life??

You're going to have to say you can't go to both.

For goodness sake don't spend thousands just because you're scared of how she might react...

I’d be telling her that you’ll attend the one that you are invited to as a family.

She’s being ridiculous.

IMO only, it’s up to her how she celebrates and it’s up to you if you choose to attend.

It's an invitation. You are invited, up to you to accept or decline.

@outdamnedspots i’m not really sure. I don’t remember her being like this when we were kids, it seemed to start more in our 20’s when my parents would really pander to her, all plans would be made around her and we’d sit around and miss dinner reservations because she’d be late or had other people to see before us. All would be quickly forgiven because they were so grateful that she’d deigned to spend time with them. They’ve taken her on holidays well in to her 30’s, take her to events and are always really keen to spend any time with her that she spares for them (often at the cost of cancelling plans with me).

I on the other hand am the reliable child who they all place a huge amount of responsibility on and ask A LOT of but speak to like crap. Each of them have done and said some terrible things to me over the years and they’ve each quietly acknowledged the others’ bad behaviour towards me whilst doing nothing to help or change their own.

As well as the expense, travel, inconvenience and slight that our children aren’t invited, this will be another opportunity for my mother to nudge me and point out how successful, wealthy and popular my sister is in comparison to me (ignoring all of my successes and knowing nothing about my wealth or friends).

You might notice I don’t have the best relationship with them all which is why I wondered if my initial reaction that this was ridiculous was justified or because I’m dreading the comparisons which will inevitably come (FYI my partner and I have been together a long time but are not married by choice).

Not going to one wedding doesn’t feel like a choice really. My relationship with my family has always felt like it was on a tightrope and any perceived slight towards my sister (especially missing a wedding (despite there being TWO!!), would be unforgivable in their eyes.

Another sibling who puts herself at the centre of her own world and expects everyone else to do the same. I'd mention something pretty quickly and nip it in the bud. You can't afford two weddings, don't want to go away without DCs, can't take the time off, whatever, there are many possible reasons not to go.
You don't have to indulge her OP. The moment you realise this and stop pandering to her will bring you a warm and wonderful feeling of wellbeing and freedom.
I'd let her crack on with her utterly selfish and self obsessed life and you spend your hard earned money and holiday time with those who are at the centre of your world.

We all have to put ourselves to great amounts of inconvenience to do what she wants.
No you don't.

it seemed to start more in our 20’s when my parents would really pander to her, all plans would be made around her and we’d sit around and miss dinner reservations because she’d be late or had other people to see before us.

Well you (collectively) have created this situation. If I were meeting my parents and sister for dinner, and she messaged to say she was late or not coming, or worse still just didn't turn up, then my parents and I would have gone ahead without her.

Not going to one wedding doesn’t feel like a choice really.

It is though.
You are an adult. You can choose how to respond.

YABU to let her have this hold over you, yes.

Op, it’s a choice. Yes, it is. You don’t want to attend one - don’t. Maybe now’s the time to stop pandering to this madness and start saying no…. Or don’t, and just go along with it as before, because they wont change.

Gosh she sounds massively entitled. I would just say to her you can only attend one as you have to save for a holiday of your own also and you only have so much money/time off work

What will happen if you say you can only go to one? Will there be sulking and crying? Will your parents tell you that you have to go?

I'm so sorry. What a difficult situation for you.

If you go to both weddings you'll feel resentful.
If you tell her you can only go to one then she'll create a massive drama and you'll feel guilty.

Choose guilt over resentment. It'll be hard but really liberating to put yourself and your own family first.

Good luck ❤️

Rather than guilt it’s being made out to be jealous or resentful that I worry about. They’ve always put her on a pedestal and so by default have always told me I’m less than and I must be jealous (I actually feel I’ve achieved a lot despite the attacks on my confidence from them, and there’s a lot about my life that I prefer to hers).

If I say we’re only going to one of them it will be more the reaction of my parents that I worry about. My dad will likely get very angry with me and they have made things very difficult for me in the past when I have set boundaries with her (and them).

I know I’m an adult but our family is small and despite feeling like I’m constantly trying to keep the peace, being on edge all the time, reset my face after something harsh has been said, not cause an issue and brush things under the carpet, they have always made out I’m a trouble maker. Any small sign of pushing back or being upset gets a huge negative reaction from them all.

Not going to the birthday things felt very daring considering everything and I did get several calls from parents trying to push me to go, trying to make me feel guilty. Ultimately, both were also worried about Covid which helped my cause.

My dad might be a bit miffed about our children not being invited but my mum won’t care. Since they could walk she’s had no time for them and has the same attitude to them that she has towards me (sometimes worse).
(reading all this back I know I need a therapist!).

You need this book @Applecrumble32 ! Life changing

this is all madness. One of the weddings must be pretend. Time to say no

This is a terrible dynamic. For your sake, but also for the sake of your own family now, therapy would be an excellent idea. You deserve some support while you're navigating this latest (two weddings) episode but also for the bigger picture ❤️

Since they could walk she’s had no time for them and has the same attitude to them that she has towards me (sometimes worse).
(reading all this back I know I need a therapist!).

That was my thought too, OP. You sound like a lovely person. Your parents, OTOH, sound awful.

How DARE they treat their kids so differently?

I suggest you and your p set your boundaries now. Decide which wedding you want to go to - if any!! - then use the money you would have spent on the other one on a therapist for you.

Why are you so keen to hold your family together? Do you even like them? You don't have to stay in touch with them just because you're related to them.

You don't have to do anything to help them, and you certainly don't have to put up with being treated differently by them.

You deserve much better. I'd focus on you: what do you want? Who do you want to see? Fill your life with things that you enjoy and people you like.

Even if your parents are angry, so what? They are not the boss of you.

I know it will be hard to change the dynamic of a lifetime, but I think you will be happier if you can do this. 💐

A wedding invitation isn't just an invitation is it? It's an indication of the value placed on certain relatives depending on the way things are communicated and can obviously impact future relationships

@fedupoftheheatnow OP’s family don’t seem to value her. It’s all about what her sister wants. Who has 2 weddings like that? Which one are they legally getting married at?

Frankly your dps have rated you second class for years. Stop caring and spend your time and cash on those who love you. Dh and dc..

She sounds so embarrassing. Boundaries and very low contact with her and your parents. And only the local wedding. Who would want to marry someone like that?

You could try writing down exactly what you're prepared to do for the wedding, and why you can't or won't do more. (There will be good, rational reasons for not doing all the mad stuff she wants, of course!)

Arm yourself with this when you talk to your parents. You can pre-empt them by saying, "I know you'll think it's because I'm jealous, but actually it's because XYZ." Keep calm, keep steady - they can get upset but they can't rile you, because your decisions are based in rationality, not emotion.

In the long term I think you absolutely DO need a therapist, because there are deeper problems here .... Good luck!

Are your DCs invited to the second wedding? If yes then I would go to that one and decline the first because of lack of childcare. If they are invited to neither, I would be minded to go to neither.

This is all classic toxic family behavior. Your sister is the Golden Child and you are the Scapegoat.

There is a long running thread on here called We took you to Stately Homes (referred to as Stately Homes for short) that will open your eyes. Look it up.

You are currently in the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and you MUST break free before your parents start to decline. Otherwise guess who will be doing the unappreciated grunt work? Hint: it ain't the golden child.