Is this too much or am I unreasonable?

[Applecrumble32]

i’m interested to hear whether people think this is over the top or if I’m irritated because of previous issues with our relationship.

My sister is getting married and I’ve been dreading to hear what this will involve from us all (as has my mother who admitted this in a particularly candid moment). We’re not particularly close and can go for months with no contact but when we do meet it’s the her-show. We all have to put ourselves to great amounts of inconvenience to do what she wants. My parents grumble about this but then facilitate it wholeheartedly to my irritation.

Her 30th birthday involved a 6 month extravaganza celebration of everything that is her including multiple very expensive meals out involving travel and hotel stays which we were all expected to attend, a big party and two holidays including one domestic and a two week holiday abroad. All during various stages of COVID lockdowns when people were being isolated in hotels after travelling. I have children and work full time, plus had a company-wide holiday and travel ban during that period due to covid, and so I explained that I couldn’t attend. I know this sounds a bit miserable but this was at the height of news stories where hundreds were dying every day so it all seemed a bit reckless and I risked getting in trouble with work, never mind spreading COVID.

The plans have been announced and she’s not just having one wedding, but two! 6 months apart. The first involves travel and is described as a family wedding but none of the nephews, nieces or cousins are invited. None of the family live near the location of this one so we’ll all have several hours of travel to get to it. The second involves less travel but is described as a huge wedding where some select children can go.

Am I unreasonable to think this is excessive (never mind a pain in the arse for us trying to find childcare)?

And don't engage with any of them until you have researched the terms I referenced above. It will give you an entirely new perspective.

Grey rock is useful too.

I would write a letter to sister and parents.

How lovely you are getting married.
We woudl love to celebrate with you
Unfortunately we can't leave kids alone for wedding 1 as the travel would mean 2 nights and we don't have anyone that we trust to leave them with (after all grandparents are at wedding)
We don't have enough annual leave or money to do both weddings.

So would you like us to come to wedding 1 with kids?
Or wedding 2?

Your choice, we are really looking forward to it.

bright breezy, reasonable, and not suggesting there are any issues.

Then let the fallout be what it will be.
At some point someone has to put their foot down!

so what will happen if you don't go to one/both?
Your sister will have a tantrum, your parents will enable her and you will be treated like an afterthought
Thats already happening so its time to take a stand

Even if you bend over backwards to attend both weddings, you should know that whatever you do will NEVER be good enough for your sister and family. Stop trying, let go of the aggravation and guilt, and get some good therapy to help you do this.

This

To answer your question:

Yes. Too much. Not normal.

By making a stand and choosing to only attend one wedding you may be uninvited to both and ostracised, personally I'm thinking that would be a win under the circumstances.

I can't think what you get out of continuing to engage with any of them.

Honestly OP do you get any value out of any of the relationships with these people? Your Dsis is the golden child, you are the scapegoat. Nothing you ever do will be good enough. Even if you bend over backwards to attend both weddings to make them happy, something else will come along for them to have a go at you for. Id seriously reconsider even being in contact with any of them. First things first, you need to stop doing anything to help them. They dont appreciate you for it, why bother? If I were you, id tell them you'll attend wedding 2 with the children because you dont have childcare for the other. If it causes a fall out then so be it, that might be the wake up call you need to walk away from this toxic situation. And yes, get some therapy!

What do all the other guests think to her having 2 weddings, it must look a little Bridezillaey to those on the outside.

I'm guessing she made you pay for your own flights and meals for her 30th celebrations.

To your initial question, yes your dsister is hugely unreasonable (but then unsurprising seeing the birthday stuff).

Whether you go or not…. I’d see a counsellor and work through that.
It sounds like she is the golden child and you the scapegoat.
And yes setting boundaries is hard etc… and I actually don’t believe is always the right answer. But you’ll have to take a decision, tell your dsister and deal with the consequences either way.
I think you need more than what MN can offer you.

I guess the first one will only be for her and the ‘close family’ aka the OP and her parents.
None of them will be none the wiser.

I wonder what the fiance parents make of it though.

And what are the good points in your relationship with your parents? They don’t appear to like you or your children, they don’t provide childcare, they put you down etc.

If you don’t go to either wedding and people get upset sure it is hellish for a short time as they will all be on your case but you may find it a long term solution as this is the point you turn your back on all of them.

This is all you have to say OP

I would only go to one where my children come too. Why should I get expensive child care just for a destination wedding

This sounds awful OP! Sod the lot of them - your sister is ridiculously entitled and your parents sound awful! You do you - concentrate on the people who you matter to and those who matter to you! If I was you I’d give the hen, following baby shower- gender reveal and all the other nonsense to come a miss as well!

Just say no to both. Not a chance I’m going to a sibling’s wedding where some kids are invited but not mine (ie. The bride’s niece/nephew). Be breezy and brief about it: “have a lovely time, not my thing without the kids unfortunately, but I look forward to seeing the pics”.