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Original poster

Feel like fiance cares more about his heritage than her desires

26 replies

LoChook · 28/08/2024 04:46

My friend (bride to be) is Serbian and her fiance is Indian. His Indian heritage is extremely important to him and so they have agreed to incorporate elements from both cultures into the wedding.

However, she's starting to become a little frustrated as now the wedding seems to be predominantly Indian whereas she wants a western wedding and doesn't feel like he's compromising much from his side.

For example, she wanted a small intimate wedding and he wanted a big one, and they've ended up having 250 guests (he says that is a compromise as he would've gone bigger if possible). They are also having Indian food and music (with traditional dances) - which is very different to what the bride has imagined her day to look like but is willing to let him have his way as it is important to him.

Her biggest point of frustration is that initially the groom had agreed to wear a suit but now wants to wear traditional Indian attire to the reception. She really wants him and the bridal party to just wear western clothing (suits, bridesmaid dresses) and had wanted that from the start. He's now insisting to wear his traditional clothes and says that she isn't respecting/appreciating his culture, to which she got even more frustrated seeing as she's compromised in all these other areas (the food, music, dances - all of which would be different if she had her way). She said that the wedding day just isn't looking like anything she had imagined it to be.

She had told me that she's worried that her fiance cares more about his culture and heritage than he does her wants, and feels scared to offend him if she expresses that she doesn't want something from his culture included (the clothes). She's finding it hard to express her wants as she doesn't want him to accuse her of not respecting his culture.

Having two separate weddings isn't an option for them. Child-rearing and looking after parents when older (etc) have been discussed and agreed on between them, so it's just that the wedding is causing some tension here in terms of a cross-cultural relationship.

Any advice on how to handle this and how the bride should approach the topic with her fiance?

OP posts:
Galoop · 28/08/2024 04:57

Western clothing is so boring so I don't understand why she wants them to wear that. I'd understand if she wanted Serbian culture incorporated but it sounds like she just wants a generic cookie cutter wedding, so for that reason I feel the heritage is more important. She probably needs a wider discussion with him, as if this is causing issues there's likely to be much bigger ones coming up in the future.

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/08/2024 04:58

Tell her to pause the wedding plans. Seriously.

He's telling her who he is and she should listen. His 'culture' and wishes are king, not hers. His sense of status and impressing others is more important than her wishes. If she caves in now she has a lifetime of this ahead.

Galoop · 28/08/2024 05:00

Maybe they should have two separate things so they both get what they want. I also think the dances sound like fun. But for some things likely music and food I don't understand why it can't be both, same with the clothes why can't she wear a dress and he wear what he wants, I've seen this before and it's nice seeing a mix. I don't think either should compromise on what they wear, but things like food shouldn't be a big deal

SquirrelSoShiny · 28/08/2024 05:10

Galoop · 28/08/2024 05:00

Maybe they should have two separate things so they both get what they want. I also think the dances sound like fun. But for some things likely music and food I don't understand why it can't be both, same with the clothes why can't she wear a dress and he wear what he wants, I've seen this before and it's nice seeing a mix. I don't think either should compromise on what they wear, but things like food shouldn't be a big deal

You might find it nice. The bride to be doesn't.

I really suspect the wedding issue is the tip of the iceberg. It's not acceptable for her to feel like she can't discuss things for fear of offending his sense of culture. He isn't afraid to offend hers - and yes, white wedding is obviously her sense of HER culture.

BeachRide · 28/08/2024 05:16

This won't end well.

lovemyboyz247 · 28/08/2024 05:17

Are they having a traditional wedding ceremony and reception? If so, can he wear his traditional clothing at the wedding and wear a suit for the reception?

I went to a wedding recently where the groom was Indian and the bride was English. It was only a civil ceremony in the morning and the bride wore a wedding dress of her choice. They exchanged vows etc and included some Indian traditions into the ceremony. Then for the evening reception, the bride wore a traditional Indian outfit. It was a lovely day with a balanced mix of cultures and traditions.

I think comprise is key here and she will feel resentful if he gets it all his way. Another factor to consider is are his parents making these wedding plans or it him? If his family are dictating how the wedding is being planned then it might be a sign of how things will be in their lives after they get married. She needs to speak to him, explain that she's comprising and he needs to do the same. It's a special day for both of them

autienotnaughty · 28/08/2024 05:19

Wasn't this exact same issue posted a month ago?

LochKatrine · 28/08/2024 05:29

autienotnaughty · 28/08/2024 05:19

Wasn't this exact same issue posted a month ago?

Yes, I read this before.

Galoop · 28/08/2024 05:31

autienotnaughty · 28/08/2024 05:23

Reading this puts me even more in favour with the groom, so actually the bride wants an 'Australian' wedding as they live in Australia. This relationship is doomed.

Acheyba · 28/08/2024 05:36

This doesn’t bode well for the future. If there’s conflict between the two of them in terms of how much each others culture is represented in a wedding, how’s that going to play out in terms of raising kids or just day to day life?

250 is a massive compromise on size btw compared to how big an Indian wedding is.

She really wants him and the bridal party to just wear western clothing (suits, bridesmaid dresses) and had wanted that from the start.

I first read that as he was insisting she wears traditional dress and I was on her side . Why on earth is she trying to control what he wears?!

I wouldn’t marry anyone who didn’t want me wearing my traditional wear. I think it’s a massive red flag. I’d compromise on food, music etc but what I wear is a huge thing as it’ll be in all our pictures.

Indians weddings are a huge things with so much character and flavour, I’ve seen Jamaicans, Nigerians, ( white) French, British and Americans individuals all been happy to have significant elements of it in their weddings when they’ve married Indians. He’s probably seen similar and is disappointed his bride doesn’t have that same zest for it.

Not inherently wrong , she is allowed to have her preferences as is he, but I think it’s an indicator of future trouble that they can’t sort this out.

Why don’t they write out a list and decide what’s going to be more his traditions - and what’s going to be more her traditions to make sure it’s roughly even? If he wants to wear his traditional wear maybe he has to include a wider range of food now for example? A bit of give and take.

Also in the mixed culture weddings I’ve been to I’ve also seen brides and groom do outfit changes but that would of course involve the bride wearing a beautiful sari 🥻 if he wears a suit for some of it.

Ger1atricMillennial · 28/08/2024 05:45

They made an agreement and that has now changed, and she is pissed off.

However, the cookie crumbles she doesn't feel heard, and this will result in resentment for years to come and will color any future joint decision making.

Wedding planning in actuality is a good way to test a relationship boundary. If they can't communicate well and get through it together then best to go back to the drawing board.

Noras · 28/08/2024 05:51

I don’t see why they can’t have a really small anglicised wedding with European dress on one day and then the big Indian feast on another. The European one with just close family and one or two friends. They need to hive off some of the costs of the big one. My sister in law’s sister did this for her wedding and it worked. However be warned that the groom was really late for the British style wedding ( it’s an Indian custom).

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 28/08/2024 06:08

She had told me that she's worried that her fiance cares more about his culture and heritage than he does her wants

He does. And that won’t change. In fact when they marry it’ll get worse. So if she wants to live her life the way she wants, she should leave him now.

Lampzade · 28/08/2024 06:16

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 28/08/2024 06:08

She had told me that she's worried that her fiance cares more about his culture and heritage than he does her wants

He does. And that won’t change. In fact when they marry it’ll get worse. So if she wants to live her life the way she wants, she should leave him now.

I agree
Potentially a whole host of issues.
The Op said that they had agreed on child rearing and looking after parents. I bet this changes when they are actually married.
As others have said.a small Western wedding and then a big Indian wedding would have been the only compromise

Truetoself · 28/08/2024 06:26

As previous posters said, this marriage is doomed. He obviously doesn't stick to what has been discussed between them wrt to their respect cultures and beliefs so the same will apply when it comes to kids and parents and family.

ThatBusyPanda · 28/08/2024 06:44

Is it possible he’s got a lot of family pressure? My parents gave me very little choice in anything for my Indian wedding, it’s genuinely seen as their day rather than the bride and grooms. I’m not saying he can’t stand up to them (and I wish I had!) but it might not be that he doesn’t love her etc etc.

After the wedding our lives are much much easier!

Berryberries · 28/08/2024 06:52

250 guests and how many are the bride's? If he wants a big wedding then the bride needs to choose other elements or else it's just the groom's wedding! Maybe it could be a Western ceremony but then an Indian reception and then the groom can change into Indian clothes? And then the food can be a mix of Serbian and Indian food. She could tell him that he isn't respecting her culture.

Galoop · 28/08/2024 06:55

Berryberries · 28/08/2024 06:52

250 guests and how many are the bride's? If he wants a big wedding then the bride needs to choose other elements or else it's just the groom's wedding! Maybe it could be a Western ceremony but then an Indian reception and then the groom can change into Indian clothes? And then the food can be a mix of Serbian and Indian food. She could tell him that he isn't respecting her culture.

I'd agree if she wanted a Serbian wedding, but if you look at OPs other thread actually she wants an Australian wedding so hardly like he's not respecting her culture. Also it sounds like she even wants to dictates what he wears which to me in surely the most important thing. In saying that, there's no reason they can't have a mix. Regardless though, it sounds like the relationship is doomed.

Truetoself · 28/08/2024 10:37

If the family are the type to pressure about the wedding what about the rest of their life?

Acheyba · 28/08/2024 13:17

Galoop · 28/08/2024 06:55

I'd agree if she wanted a Serbian wedding, but if you look at OPs other thread actually she wants an Australian wedding so hardly like he's not respecting her culture. Also it sounds like she even wants to dictates what he wears which to me in surely the most important thing. In saying that, there's no reason they can't have a mix. Regardless though, it sounds like the relationship is doomed.

Show quote history

Yeah I think it’s outrageous that she’s telling him to wear a western suit when he’s decided he wants to wear his traditional Indian outfit. Imagine if he was telling her she MUST wear a sari?

I grew up in Scotland, many of my male friends married non-Scottish women. I’d have raised my eyebrows really high if any of the grooms were told not to wear a kilt. Lol.

I think in this instance they’re just not compatible but will probably not want to accept that. Good luck to them anyway.

FKAT · 28/08/2024 13:26

I'd bin him off. This will not get better. So what if she wants an Australian wedding rather than a Serbian one.

There also seems to me to be more than a touch of fetishization of Indian weddings on this thread. That they are full of culture and zest vs 'generic' and 'bland' European traditions. It's weird.

Acheyba · 28/08/2024 13:39

They’re both allowed to have their preferences but she’s out of line trying to control what he wears. I wouldn’t tell someone I was with they must wear a kilt but I’d love it if they did. I come from a mix of cultures and my future groom better not be trying to meddle with what I wear either.

And I don’t know if anyone said about “European weddings” being bland as there’s so surely many variations of “European” weddings? But I would say I’ve attended a fair few Scottish and Spanish weddings and they were anything but bland 🤩 the one Indian wedding I’ve been to was also amazing.

Ponderingwindow · 28/08/2024 13:47

Advise her to put the wedding on hold. They may have discussed raising children and other cultural clashes, but he is showing that he can’t really be trusted to keep to his word.

FKAT · 28/08/2024 13:56

Acheyba · 28/08/2024 13:39

They’re both allowed to have their preferences but she’s out of line trying to control what he wears. I wouldn’t tell someone I was with they must wear a kilt but I’d love it if they did. I come from a mix of cultures and my future groom better not be trying to meddle with what I wear either.

And I don’t know if anyone said about “European weddings” being bland as there’s so surely many variations of “European” weddings? But I would say I’ve attended a fair few Scottish and Spanish weddings and they were anything but bland 🤩 the one Indian wedding I’ve been to was also amazing.

Edited

sorry 'boring' and 'cookie cutter' - not bland