How to compromise for wedding

[LoChook]

For a bit of background, the bride’s heritage is Serbian and groom’s heritage is Indian. Both the bride and groom were born in Australia. They will be getting married in a year and have come into a bit of disagreement about the wedding and a lot of it is to do with the cross-cultural differences. Here are the main differences that they’re trying to compromise on:

(1) The bride is wanting a smallish wedding with closest friends and family (around 100 people) whereas groom wants a big wedding. He believes anyone that’s invited to the ceremony should be invited to the reception afterwards, but the bride says that that would be logistically really difficult to accommodate and very expensive (in total, if the bride and groom invited everyone they knew/family, it would come to around 400 people). She says it’s common in Australia for people to be invited to the ceremony but not to the reception afterwards if you’re not that close a friend but that people understand this. However, groom says that this is elitist and makes people feel excluded.

• One reason bride wants smallish wedding is to invest that money in their future (home deposit) instead of splurging it on one day. However, groom wants a big celebration as that is what is expected in his culture and his family would want it – plus he believes a big celebration marks such a big milestone together.
• Bride also believes that a smaller amount of people means more quality time with guests instead of rushing from one person to another.

(2) Groom’s cultural heritage is very important to him. Bride realises this and so is willing to incorporate Indian elements in their wedding (etc. half of the music will be Indian; a few other traditions/customs for the ceremony). However, the groom seems like he wants it to be a predominantly Indian wedding, whereas she doesn’t seeing as it is not her culture.

• The biggest contention is that the groom wants to wear traditional sherwani instead of a suit. The bride wants him to wear a suit as she will be wearing a white wedding dress. She’s told me this is the most important thing for her. Her reasoning is that they are both Australian, and that while they’re both proud of their heritage (and so are happy to add elements of both cultures in the wedding), it should be a mainly Australian wedding. Being Australian is what is common between them and so pushing one culture over the other would be unfair. She’s not Indian, and so he shouldn’t be pushing an Indian wedding. The groom, however, says that his culture is a part of his identity (more so than it is for the bride – the bride agrees that his heritage is more important to him that her heritage is to her). She feels a little trapped here because she’s afraid if she insists on him wearing a suit that she’ll be told she’s not appreciating his culture or not accepting a part of him.

(3) Family expectations – groom’s family seem to be pressuring bride to wear traditional Indian clothing for wedding (they keep on picking out dresses for her to wear), but she wants to wear a white wedding dress of her choice. On the bride’s side, her family doesn’t want an Indian wedding either.

Would you consider any of the bride’s wants unreasonable? To me, it seems like she’s doing all the compromising and he’s not, so I just wanted to see what other people think. Ultimately, her argument is that they’re both Australian, so they should have an Australian wedding.

And just a side note, this is really the first time they’re disagreeing on something based on cultural differences. They’ve discussed child-rearing and are on the same page regarding boundaries with grandparents/how to raise children (etc), so there aren’t these cultural differences in these types of areas. I suppose it’s the differences in ways they celebrate certain events like weddings.

They should do 2 weddings. Or a multi-day wedding with different outfits on different days.
Could maybe do the registry office part with white dress and suit + bride’s family and a few close family members from the groom’s family, then a restaurant dinner, then the Indian wedding ceremony, food and dancing the next day with everybody invited.

i find it hard to believe that they agree on child rearing, role of grandparents, boundaries re family but can’t agree on the wedding.

Yes, exactly. Sounds doomed to me. They should just get married in jeans at a register office with the witnesses, and if that sounds completely unappealing, maybe consider whether they want a marriage or a wedding.

And just a side note, this is really the first time they’re disagreeing on something based on cultural differences.

Well sure, because it was easy to be agreeable whilst dating. It's business now, and down to brass tacks. This is where previously easy to overlook cultural differences rear their head.

They’ve discussed child-rearing and are on the same page regarding boundaries with grandparents/how to raise children (etc), so there aren’t these cultural differences in these types of areas.

Because children haven't happened yet.

I hope the bride's eyes are WIDE fucking open, because she's going to be in a wholly different relationship with this man when they are actually married.

I went to a wedding recently with a mixed culture (British and Pakistani). Both parties had 2 outfits. The groom was in a suit and the bride was in a red dress initially. Then she changed into her white dress. And later on he changed into traditional Pakistani attire (not sure what the correct name is) to surprise her

I think there are much more serious issues going on here, but I can't understand the objection to a sherwani. They look fantastic and can be very formal, totally appropriate for a big white dress wedding.

Expecting the bride to wear something she doesn't want is unreasonable, however.

@Aquamarine1029 has nailed it. This will not go well. Also @LineMadeByWalking point perfectly made.
Like watching the proverbial car crash.

The Bride objecting to what the groom wants to wear, is ridiculous, yes - even more so that you are saying that is the biggest bone of contention.

In terms of marrying into Indian Culture, then anyone would know to expect a massive wedding celebration over several days.
Personally I would struggle to come to terms with paying out for that sort of a wedding, but it can't be a surprise that is what is expected. Are the groom's family contributing to the cost of such an event ? As that would make a difference to me.

I have to agree with pp though about the realism of the clash of cultures in the future (raising dc, looking after family in old age etc) will be far bigger than the way you celebrate your wedding day. If this is such an enormously difficult argument for you, then think very carefully about the rest of your lives, as this is NOT going to be the biggest difference of opinion.

I know an Anglo-Indian couple who did white dress and suit for a very intimidate registry office "legal" wedding, then had an Indian ceremony and reception with wider guest list with traditional Indian dress and customary/religious ceremony. Traditionally, Indian weddings are over several days, and there is room in this for both "types" of event. There needs to be a compromise here - she is really going to upset his family if she doesn't allow at least a "small Indian wedding" with celebrations across two days and it's going to get the whole meshing off families off to a poor start.

It’s not really appropriate for her to refuse to allow him to wear a Sherwani as it’s part of his culture — the same way I’m sure Serbian brides wear white wedding dresses. Sounds like he is compromising more than her tbh. She should wear a dress, he should wear a Sherwani. His parents shouldn’t be telling her what to wear either.

I don’t see why he can’t have elements of his cultural identity at the wedding. If she doesn’t feel strongly about her Serbian identity then that’s on her, but she shouldn’t feel the need to erase his? By default it’s in Australia so it’s an “Australian” wedding — why try and erase your heritage?

I can’t see this going well.

I wouldn't be surprised if things like child rearing become an issue at the time. It's very easy to say things are fine hypothetically.

Numbers compromise - 250
She wears a wedding dress groom wears his chosen out fit.
They incorporate elements of both their cultures into the day.

Or do two days a smaller more intimate day of brides choice and the larger flashier day of grooms choice.

To be honest lots of couples find ways to incorporate both cultures. For example having the morning agenda lean to one culture then the afternoon agenda lead to another culture. Or have different days with different themes/outfits.

For example, the wedding I mentioned earlier. They had Christian vows in the afternoon then the Islamic wedding vows in the evening. They both changed outfits. Some of the wedding party changed outfits, they revised the room/decor/staff/witnesses and took new photos etc attention was very much given to both.

Then a wedding I went to recently of 2 Indians who grew up in England - they had the massive Indian wedding on one day, then a British wedding on the following day

It also probably depends on the guests and your budget as to how much of that is feasible

Does bride not see the hypocrisy in trying to tell the groom what to wear (or not) whilst complaining grooms family are doing the same thing to her?

This issue now doesn't bode well for the future. Family milestone events are often flashpoints.

She’s being unreasonable about what he wears. He’s being unreasonable about the number of guests.

I would suggest the bride choose the outfit for a registry wedding and some photos then swerve into the Indian culture for his later costume, the food and dancing.
I would compromise on the cost of the reception but aim for a larger (200) guest list.
Employ cultural caterers who can make up cost effective curries in small, stand up to eat, bowls, large tables of finger food, some Serbian, and a traditional Serbian cake that is large.

Limit the alcohol; that will save on costs.
Put money towards music and fun.
The wedding could spread over the whole afternoon and evening but any function the next day could be at a public park with people bringing their own picnic or being happy with pizza.

This doesn’t bode well for their future.

Inviting people to the wedding but not reception is weird.

The groom should wear what he likes. The bride should wear what she likes.

They should make a decision about how much they can afford and then invite that many people to the full thing.

There's no such thing as an 'Australian' wedding OP. Australian isn't an ethnic group, it's a nationality. It's laughable that she considers the white dress 'Australian' instead of whatever the Native Australians, who were actually there first, wear.

The most important bit is that, no matter what the groom and his family wants. A huge wedding is a waste of money , if needed for other things!

His family either put their hands in their pockets or STFU. OR, organise a wedding in India which would be much cheaper anyway. The Serbian one can then happen in Australia.

The suits issue just silly, they can always have multiple outfits,